Paths

[Gwenivere]

Just by the sound of your post, congratulations are in order.  You are taking care of you.  I don't know how anyone that has to return to work does it.  No job may freak you out, but for now....you get some peace.   I'm very happy for you.  

[kayc]

I hope you find a job where you are treated well and enjoy the work, even if it means having to downsize financially, sometimes it's just worth it.  I've never quit a job without having one to go to, it was just how I was raised, and yet in looking back I see how detrimental my last job was to me mentally and physically.  Sometimes allowing that healing inside gives us a clearer perspective to plan for our near future.

[Margm]

I don't remember when I started this topic.  I finally found it again, but I won't go back and read what I have written.  Where ever I was when I started it, I am not there now, but again, I am still there and probably always will be, I just cannot visit some things over and over.. I cannot pass a rock or stone anywhere that Billy was not with me.  I am him, he is me, so I guess we are still together.

I have many, many responsibilities.  These were shared.  No longer shared physically, mentally they are still shared.  I am him, he is me. Yes, at times I doubt my sanity.  Even doubting that though, I know I am sane or I would not hurt so much.  I don't have Billy to share this with anymore and sometimes my mind is so selfish, so full of my own problems that I have a hard time seeing other people have worse problems than I have. 

Yes, he was the most important person ever in my life.  Forgetting him is impossible, he is still with me in everything I do.  I fuss at him because he does not talk to me.  I might not be able to hear him, I just have to carry on as if he is me. 

Father's Day is up next.  Then comes birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and finally the one year mark.  Hettie my neighbor mentioned one day that it was five years since Loyal had passed away.  I told her it did not seem so long.  I visit Hettie often when I am at the Arkansas home.  Her Bible is open next to her chair.  Another is open on the table, and I am sure she has one open by her bed.  We look for peace where ever we can find it. 

The shooting in Orlando leaves many grieving people.  We in this country welcome people from other countries, otherwise why would most of us be here?  People in some countries outright put to death gay people.  I will tell you something you might not know about me.  There are stories behind all of this, too long to account.  My daughter is gay, she lives with a transgender person.  This person and I talked once about Bruce Jenner.  I asked questions of this transgender extension of my family  and we both got so confused we just laughed.  I have a nephew who is a real queen.  I have a sister that is bi.  She once told me she felt she had the best of both worlds..  I thought about this, in fact, with as many gays in my family, or "bi's" I have to think about this.  My husband and I both do not believe in marriage except between man and woman..  But in putting that statement, we both believed that people that "set up house" and live as partners, they should have equal rights.  We know couples of same sex that have been together for years and years.  I can thank God for this, if this is a gene that is inherited (and some will disagree with me), anyhow I did not inherit that gene.  Until you have this in your family, until you learn acceptance and know you would not turn your back on friends or family, then you will not understand anything I write about this..  A woman turned her back on her gay daughter.  The daughter took her own life since she felt she had sinned against her religion, and her family.  This woman now holds talks about parents accepting the difference we have never understood, will never understand, but will have to accept.  If you do not accept this as part of life, then how will you ever accept death as part of life too.  You do not agree?  That is okay.  You don't have to.  I have to accept things some of you will not accept, even if you have it in your family.  I do it because I love my family.  They give me fits.  They give me problems that make my poor old brain wish it could escape.

I cannot escape until it is time.  And, like Billy, the most precious person in my life, I will follow him in time.  Until then I will have strife and my brain will fight against my body that wants to run.  I celebrate his life.  I do not celebrate his death.  He would not want me to remember my last view of him and my brain, in all of its short circuited parts, it allows me to forget my last view of this wonderful person that did light up my life. 

And every person on here, the person they lost was the most important person in their life.  Unfortunately, we are left behind and we have to make the best path we can to honor them.  We all walk it together, but sometimes we cannot see each other.  I wish I was the kind of person that remembers.  Some things I don't want to remember though.  Sometimes my mind is kind to me. 

[mittam99]

Marg, let me start by getting one thing out of the way...

You are something special. Unique to a fault. You do Billy proud every day.

I just wanted to say that the picture quote in your post says it all. None of us wanted this to be our life. But we had no choice in the matter.

I love the positivity of that last line...

"I will find my way" needs to be the mantra for all of us.

[kayc]

I still have not watched the news on Orlando.  Normally I don't turn the t.v. on during the day and I recorded the 11:00 news last night but I've been here all morning so still haven't watched it.  But as is my custom, when I checked on FB today, my niece had posted about hate crimes against gays, etc. (did Orlando have to do with that?  Guess I'll find out when I finally watch the news and read the paper today).  My niece is gay.  Gay, bi, transgender, crossdresser, something is bound to touch your heterosexual family and conservatism.  I posted on her FB thread about doing unto others as you'd have them do unto you, that I hate hate crimes.  I don't understand bullies, but I think they must have some insecurity within themselves, some inner unhappiness that would cause them to strike out at other people that aren't hurting anyone else.  I don't care if others get it, I don't care what their beliefs are, I do NOT abide someone being cruel to others.  You may not have to tolerate someone else's beliefs, but please, be respectful to them as a person!

I like your quote on finding our way, that's what we're all working on.