Paths

[Margm]

“I felt like I was being carried over the threshold of a sisterhood of loss. I knew I was not walking alone, and that eventually I would bob back up to the surface of the deep, because the women around me showed me what healing looks like.” ― Anna White, Mended: Thoughts on Life, Love, and Leaps of Faith  

I am afraid I am one of those people who was "lucky" to some of you others.  Strange, I don't feel lucky, I most often feel hollow, lost, and mostly I throw myself pity parties.  I lost control and brought out terrible anger down on my most loved and supporting family.  My feet are size 7, made of heavy Louisiana clay.  Today Billy has been gone 11 weeks.  We retired together in 1997. so we had 18 years of retirement that we spent helping raise a grandchild and get our son off mainline drugs, and hepatitis C.  We bought a new RV to travel in, finally having time to enjoy retirement.  It never has left the pavement we parked it on in March.  But, I do consider myself lucky.  He went to twice yearly checkups, but he "fell through the cracks" of medical science.  He left me in a hurry, I popped a morphine pill in his mouth if he even changed expressions.  My 5 feet tall body would have lovingly carried his 6'2" body everywhere if I had had the chance.  Whether it was three years, 35, 10, or more or less, the pain is still the same. I am not young anymore, and I have many friends around me that help me with my grief.  This forum has helped also..  This forum is inhabited by beautiful souls.  One of my friends, a seven year widow sent me the image below.  I wish for each of you to find such help as I  have found.  There is no substitute for Billy though, and in my despair, I feel I will be with him sooner than you younger sufferers.  I wish you peace.

[kayc]

That would be a good one to share in Significant Quotes!

[kevin]

That is a very perfect verse.....and Timely......

[Margm]

I kept one of my "grief" books in my daughter's bathroom.  Twice she came out crying.  Where it helped me to some extent, nothing really helps all of us, sometimes none of us.  I did throw the book away..  She gets help from gazing at his pictures, listening to sad music.  One time she played me my grandmother's favorite hymn "I Come to the Garden" (and I am not sure of that name).  Even my granddaughter could see it upset me.  So, we don't all take grief the same.  You don't walk the path that I walk on.  I read C.S. Lewis occasionally, and I found this below today.  It might aggravate some of you.  My whole life, it seems, was love for Billy.  Once, when I had done something terribly wrong, he told me that he still loved me, but he didn't like me.  That happens.  Love hurts so bad sometimes that I wish I had been abandoned on a desert island, never seeing anyone.  You have to love, even though it hurts like the dickens.  

[Margm]

I think this thread is my own personal journal.  On C.S. Lewis, I find some of my Baptist friends warn against his "The Chronicles of Narnia."  I loved the series and think I must have a very dense mind.  C.S. Lewis lost his wife to cancer after only four years of marriage (if I am remembering right), so he wrote from his heart about a lot of things.  

[Guest]

C.S. Lewis also wrote the book: A Grief Observed following his wife's death in 1960.  It is compilation of his notes dealing with grief in the first year.  I think his quote from the book sums up where I am at today:

"Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

C.S. Lewis - A Grief Observed

[kayc]

One of George's favorite songs was I Come to the Garden, so I had someone sing it at his funeral, it's beautiful.

I love C S Lewis, he got things a lot deeper than many Christians, he experienced more and I think that's why.

[Guest]

Just a little historical footnote: C.S. Lewis was raised in a very religious home but in his youth became an atheist.  It was his friend J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy, who was responsible for converting him back to Christianity.  Aside from his ficticious works, C.S. Lewis was also known as a Christian Apologist, writing several books defending Christianity.  His wife was raised in the Jewish faith but converted to Christianity before meeting C.S. Lewis.  

[kayc]

I've read many of CS Lewis' works, the one I still want to read is the Chronicles of Narnia, I've heard great things about it.

[Guest]

Chronicles of Narnia is a delightful series.  Seven books in all, it's a young readers series though very fantastical it is highly influenced by his experiences during WWII when he would escort children from London to small towns up North to get them away from the bombing.  There are many books I'll read and reread and this series is one of them.  I don't know what it is about British Children's Lit. but I really enjoy them from David Copperfield right up through Harry Potter, I have to read them once a year.

 

[Margm]

My granddaughter was introduced to John Greene's books.  They are for young readers, but you have to be careful.  Now is not the time to read them or watch his movies.  He is a lot like Nicholas Sparks, and I try to stay away from this kind of book.  Billy's favorite author was C.J. Box.  He writes about a wildlife agent in Wyoming, I believe (Joe Pickett).  They are mysteries.  Billy was a voracious reader and loved mysteries, especially southwestern ones.  He was in the middle of the last C.J. Box  book when he passed away.  I started it and finished it.  If "i am him and he is me" then we will enjoy the books together.  I loved the Narnia series.  I even liked Harry Potter.  I read up on C.S. Lewis and his friendship with Tolkien.  It was a tragedy about his wife, and maybe that is why we feel close to him.  Like the thing I put on "paths," I am tired of reading the same page over and over and want to turn the page.  I hope I have the strength.  I just finished Burt Reynold's autobiography, and while it won't win awards, I enjoyed it.  Was happy to be able to turn the pages.

[Guest]

I bought Burt Reynolds a cocktail in the Stanley Rod and Gun Club in Stanley, Idaho (head waters of the Salmon River) in July, of 1979.  Wild night!

[Margm]

Well, I hate to say it, but if Billy would have allowed it, I would have kept a copy of his Cosmo "centerfold."  That would have meant a quickie divorce, so I didn't do it.  He actually seemed like a nice guy.  Of course, it was HIS book, but I do wish he and Sally Field could have stayed together.  I think he did too.  

[Guest Janka]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

My whole life, it seems, was love for Billy.

Oh Margaret,

I feel the same as you.My real life began since my beloved man Jan came into my life.It´s true!

Janka

[Margm]

I never knew any other life Janka.  My mama and daddy, straight to Billy, never being "on my own" in any way.  Not knowing how to cook, keep house, be a wife, be an in-law, or be a mother.  Billy was a much better mother AND father than I ever was.  At night he would be sitting up in the big red rocking chair if they had colic or were distressed in any way.  No wonder my kids and grandkids suffer so much.  He coached all of their YMCA sports and he homeschooled one of our granddaughters.  I remember one night our oldest/and at that time only, granddaughter was sick.  Our son and his wife's bedroom was on the other side of the house.  He slept on a quilt on the floor to be there if she needed anyone.  He was not a perfect husband or man at first, but I definitely was never a perfect wife.  At the last, since the 1990's, he was perfect in every way.  We never fussed.  I miss him.

[Gin]

That was one of my husband's favorite hymns, also...In The Garden.  My husband played the mandolin.  At his memorial service my nephew and niece accompanied the hymn singing on the mandolin and flute.  Al would have loved it.  We had 5 of the old, old hymns at the service.  We old timers loved it.  Then the final hymn was a jazzed up version of Just a Closer Walk With Thee done in Dixieland style.  Al and I saw the Canadian Brass do that at a concert last year and he loved it.

Gin

[Guest Janka]

5 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I never knew any other life Janka.  My mama and daddy, straight to Billy, never being "on my own" in any way.  Not knowing how to cook, keep house, be a wife, be an in-law, or be a mother.  Billy was a much better mother AND father than I ever was.  At night he would be sitting up in the big red rocking chair if they had colic or were distressed in any way.  No wonder my kids and grandkids suffer so much.  He coached all of their YMCA sports and he homeschooled one of our granddaughters.  I remember one night our oldest/and at that time only, granddaughter was sick.  Our son and his wife's bedroom was on the other side of the house.  He slept on a quilt on the floor to be there if she needed anyone.  He was not a perfect husband or man at first, but I definitely was never a perfect wife.  At the last, since the 1990's, he was perfect in every way.  We never fussed.  I miss him.

In life there´s possible meet you a thousand times to do not find...
and meet you once to find forever...

           Janka

[KarenK]

One of my favorite movies is Shadowlands, the story of how C.S. Lewis met his wife, Joy and found love late in life. It is  a sad one, though and you may not want to watch it right now. I have not read any of his books.

Marg, I will check out the C.J Box books. I read J.A. Janka who writes mysteries about an NPS employee.

[Margm]

Billy and I started living in an RV back in about 1993.  We were not retired at the time, but we parked in RV parks around Shreveport/Bossier and pretended.  Our RVing at that time was trying out the parks.  Our favorite one was off I-20, near the Texas border.  After retirement we got to enjoy one year of RVing before family problems made us get off the road, but we lived in one for about six years total, trading up each time to a bigger 5th wheel.  That is the only home I cried about when it drove off so we could settle down in stix and brix and take care of family problems.  We could not have enjoyed being on the road with the possibility of our son dying.  He had already come close to dying when he was shot.  Drugs.  Ironic, he is going to take our never used new RV now and go try to save his son from drugs.  I hope he has as much success, as it was a frightening bunch of years that turned into hepatitis C that nearly killed him also.  So, that was our retirement.  I'm not bitter.  His life was the most important.  And, he did it himself, cold turkey.

We read JJ Jance totally, Dana Stabenow, (not sure of that spelling), Margaret Coel, Tony Hillerman, and other southwestern mystery writers.  The RV was fixed where we read in bed with lights on each side.  Crazy, but that was even more enjoyable than the hikes, traveling.  Dana Stabenow writes about Alaska.  Mysteries.  Loved Michael McGarrity also.

My dad suffered terribly through his four year cancer battle.  I read him Louie Lamour and comedy books by Patrick McManus, like one called "They Shoot Canoes Don't They."  Laughter to him was good medicine.  At least Billy's cancer took him quick..........too quick for my own feelings, but did not see him suffer long.  My dad suffered terribly.  Not good.

 

 

[KarenK]

Boy, did I get that wrong! I must have been thinking of our sweet friend, Janka. Yes, Jance is the author, BUT Nevada Barr is the author of the NPS employee. I have read all of Jance, also.

Am checking out the Box novels now.

FUZZY BRAIN SYNDROME TODAY!

[Margm]

I tried to remember Nevada Barr, could not bring up her name.  Not sure of my own name.  JJ Jance wrote about a woman peace officer who took her murdered husband's place somewhere around Tucson, in a small town, maybe Bisbee?  .  She remarried and I have not caught up with her in years.  Nevada Barr's are mysteries at different national parks and have not read her in a few years.  Thanks Karen for reminding me.  I will have to write them down before I go to Amazon because I will forget as soon as I get there.

[Guest]

Marg-

I also read The Fault in Our Stars and Looking For Alaska (both John Greene books) during Deedo's treatments.  I doubt I could do them now.  Also read If I Stay - another one to steer clear of right now.  I just want to find a book that will hold my attention and make me laugh.

[Margm]

Try Paper Towns  Saw The Fault in Our Stars, my granddaughter has read them all.  Paper Towns is not a tearjerker and Billy saw them with us. We did  not know he was sick then.  Then try C.J. Box, about Joe Pickett a wildlife officer.  Pickett is average person, but he hangs in like a bulldog and won't let something go.  Now he has a friend who is a former Navy Seal, or one of those guys, worked secret things, and he is a mean sucker, but he is Joe's friend and as long as he can keep the police away from him it goes okay.  Lots of action.  Start with the first book though.  We started when his girls were kids and the oldest now is finishing college, so there are plenty of books.  Might not be for everybody.  If you  just want to laugh, read Patrick McManus.  Outlandish, and I think the guy is still alive.  

[scba]

50 minutes ago, Brad said:

Marg-

I also read The Fault in Our Stars and Looking For Alaska (both John Greene books) during Deedo's treatments.  I doubt I could do them now.  Also read If I Stay - another one to steer clear of right now.  I just want to find a book that will hold my attention and make me laugh.

Brad, I'm reading this book. Short chapters, irony, no life lessons nor tears. Good before going to bed. Easy to read. 

Jonas Jonasson

[Margm]

Since I started this topic, I think I will put the picture below.  Life does not have a way of following any certain path.  The emotions, the trials and tribulations we all have followed, we all have experienced, whether it be three days, as my first posting, or eleven weeks, two days, at this posting.  My very good friend went to school later in life to be a nurse.  I was so shocked when I found out she specializes in hospice.  Then you think, someone has to put up with this crazy life, someone has to ease our loved ones into their new life, someone has to help us adjust, or try to adjust.  There is no set pattern.  To the picture below, I am an elderly woman.  My mind might be 20, but my body is the age it is supposed to be, and it has seen many battles and somehow emerged as the one left behind to pick up the pieces of a shattered existence. My only goal is to put some order to what has been left behind by our 54 years together, so our middle aged children can just handle their own life's.  My grandmother nearly died so many times, marrying at 15, cancer, whole body sepsis, radiation, having seven children in ten years, yet she remained many years after her beloved husband left.  In the note left to her middle aged children when she did go to be with my grandfather, she begged them not to fuss.  Oh, she knew that was going to happen.  Now, the only one left of that big family is my 94-year-old mother.  My grandmother's will was written on a Big Chief tablet of paper and written in pencil.  She was able to save up quite a bit of money for a little country mouse with a tiny country store in the middle of nowhere, and she had a lot of land to divide among them. Anyhow, the picture below is how it is supposed to be, and how it is for me.