Paths

[kevin]

 

[WolfsKat]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

Water bugs and Dragonflies 
by Doris Stickney.........................................

Marg......that story is so perfect!  I know it is meant for children.....but I love it, and the analogy is so special.....thank you so much for sharing this!

[Margm]

Someone had sent it to me.  I talk to Billy when I am driving.  I have even been so stupid as to say "please show me some sign that you hear me."  I have felt/seen him three times, but not when I asked to and all times were when I was falling asleep.  Even that felt good though.  And, of course he has never shown me a sign. (Although, you cannot convince me that finding his wedding ring nugget was not some sort of sign that he heard me.  Of course, I could just believe that I had just overlooked it, but I prefer to think he put it there for me.)  Another good analogy was when I was a kid and fishing, I would pray that Jesus let me catch a fish.  Somehow, wanting a sign from Billy that he hears me sounds like my prayer for the fish.  I don't know where he is.  I yell at him sometimes when I am in the truck and there is no one else on the road with me, one of our country highways.  No more screaming, that just gives me a headache.  I guess he has his new wings and cannot reach us water bugs on the bottom.

[WolfsKat]

Marg

I talk to my Connor often.....my cats are getting used to it, although they do look at me strangely from time to time!  And, it is NOT stupid to ask for a sign, I do this as well (and have yelled a time or three out of sheer frustration).....and I think many of us do, and it is very natural to long for such signs.  I remember you relating the story of the "nugget", and thinking, DEFINITELY a sign!  I read, somewhere, that receiving signs, or a sense of their presence, is more common when we are falling asleep, or in the dream cycle. The writer theorized that it seems to be easier for the departed to make contact then, when are shields are down and we are more "open" to receiving. It does make some sense! The writer also suggested that the spirit doing this has to use a lot of "psychic juice" to enable the message/sign.....and some are more adept at it than others, and the ability for them to do so increases in time.  Who knows?  I like to think that there are always possibilities we "water bugs" can hope for!

[Guest]

Living in a small town, there are not a lot of choices of where to go eat.  Deedo and I had our favorite Friday night date place.  It is also the place we would take the kids for breakfast on the days they were leaving to go back home.  Now I go there but I always invite neighbors and treat them.  It help me not focus on what I'm missing.  I don't mind eating alone when I'm traveling but can't do it yet in town.

Kat- Deedo told me to look for signs; I think I'm too daft to see them. Awake, asleep does not matter.

 

[Margm]

I have not really been "alone" since Billy left.  I know he did not choose to leave, but leaving sounds better than the splat in my face real word.  It is winter weather in Arkansas right now. Snow is forecast, but will be just wet icy stuff. The house is big.  My neighbor, when I asked her if she was afraid, told me that she never was.  My house is big, but hers is on so many levels of this small mountain town.  It is huge.  Too big for her to handle, but too dear for her to leave also.  She and her husband built it.  They grew up here in this smallish mountain area.  Can you believe one community is called "Hog Jaw?"  But, there is another called "Toad Suck."  Cannot say all this without saying my dad was going to move us to a town in Louisiana called "Dry Prong."  This is all, off the subject of "alone" though.  My weird, strange mind, when I am alone imagines werewolves, ghosts, witches, vampires, and other unreal characters.  The dust bunnies under the bed have sharp teeth and are big enough to give names.  I am a terrible housekeeper.  That is why I want a very small space to live in.  After the 15th, I will be "alone" except for my imagined visitors.  I doubt if I will be alone long, but still, will be afraid of "something" and not knowing what that something is, or where it is located, just FEAR itself..  Small town, short street, no crime, deputy lives at beginning of our street.  The thing that scares me most is my weird mind.  

[Guest Janka]

I think it depends on many things.When I was in my earlier stages of my grieving,there were those who told me that I should let him go as he can´t stay wedged between two worlds,that I should let him take to where he must go as there is no return back.I always said that it´s not my intention as it is the greatest love we feel for each other and so sudden death of him is hurting us two so much that we can´t fall apart.That´s it!Anyway there were still those who didn´t understand this kind of love as they had never experienced it in their whole life.It´s been a long and hard fight to be apart and wait for an end to bring us together again and forever.Even now I´m feeling the loving presence of my beloved Jan while writing these words.After 4 years I´m aware of making any advancements in this state I´ve come to.I think that everything I´ve been going through is necessary to bring us two into the heaven.Now I know that it has to be this way.One day I´ll be with him again,face to face in his arms,as one for eternity.I would give my life for him as he is worthy of all of this by all means and I know that he would do it too in the name of this endless love I´ll pray for all the rest of my days.

With love Janka

[WolfsKat]

Dear Janka......that is a beautiful, and touching tribute to the great love you and your beloved Jan shared!  You are right, your friends may mean well, but they truly just cannot understand that kind of deep love if they have not been so fortunate to have found it themselves.  Continue to do what pleases you, and is good for you!

[Margm]

I had to go back aways to find this thread.  I have mentioned that Billy helped me refind my faith when I had cancer.  As above, when I try to sleep, I think, think, think.  It is usually to beat myself up for things I have done and things I did not do.  Last night, the words to an old song came to make me think other things.  Just remembering this age old song for this age old brain helped me go to sleep.  Oh, I had medicinal help too. I won't stretch it out.  I Believe:  I Believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows; I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows.  I Believe for everyone who goes astray someone will come to show the way.  I Believe above a storm the smallest prayer can still be heard.  I believe that someone in the great somewhere hears every word.  Everytime I hear a newborn baby cry, or touch a leaf or see the sky, then I know why I believe.  

This is not to force a religious belief on anyone.  I have doubted myself, I have doubted seeing Billy, I just plain have doubted.  Faith is complete trust in someone or something.   I'm not there yet.  But I have not thought of this song since the last time I heard Elvis sing it long ago.  I can doubt it, or I can believe the words came to me for a reason.  Sometimes I get my mojo working, then it fades.    

[kayc]

I like that song too, Margaret.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

On January 4, 2016 at 7:41 AM, Marg M said:

 

Wow, I missed this.  Marg, looks like my path.  Messy and makes no sense!

[Margm]

What is that movie called, Dumb and Dumber?   I think we are Numb and Number.

[Margm]

This forum has helped me so much.  I know there are other people suffering the same pain, on different levels, as I do.  I see where Kevin has chosen to try to change his life to some extent.  I admire the courage and I wish him the peace that passes all understanding.  

I tried going to another church pastor and talking to him.  I heard my words talking to him. I watched him attuned to his text messages and not listening to  me.   I was searching for my faith, the faith that Billy had helped me find before, and I kept this faith until Billy could no longer help me.  Then it somehow drifted away, just like Billy did.  I hid out at my daughter's house, which I could have done indefinitely.  But, this is February 1st, no one can pay my bills for me, no one can get me moved out of this house but me.  Hiding, avoiding life, that was not the answer, but I could not tell if I was hiding, avoiding, or healing.  

We each talk about having friends that do not understand.  We talk about their misconceptions of our grief and their shallow words.  Well, I have to give an analogy to my story.  My dad used to carry me to church as a young tot and leave me.  Our family had been part of this town, this area since it was first settled.  My relatives were some of the first people who came to this pine forest of Louisiana.  My Sunday school teacher took me out to the car for my dad to take home.  I was so young, but I can still remember  my dad's anger at this Christian woman, a woman who knew him and his family forever.  She told him he should not be bringing me and dropping me off, he should be bringing me and staying with me.  I can remember my dad's anger at her insolence.  The very idea, this woman judged him.  That was the beginning of my dad's conversion.  He was a deacon the rest of his life.  He was a Mason and pillar of the community.  We were there, him and my mother and me, every time the church doors opened.  Sometimes well meaning people can make a change in our life, one we were not ready for, one we would say "they just don't understand."  That is true in most cases.

One of my widow friends that is now deaf knew what I was doing.  I was hiding.  What she said made me angry, but like my dad, what she said made a lot of sense.  It is not going to be easy, but no one can do this but me, and hiding is not going to get it finished.  She told me "you have to go finish this.  You have to get busy and in getting busy you will accomplish getting away from that house and you will also stay too busy to feel sorry for yourself."  I got angry at first.  This little woman had nursed a bedridden husband for seven long years, with him pulling out his feeding tubes and other herculean things she had to do.  And, she said "I would have done it seven more years if I could have just kept him with me."  He has been gone now for at least seven years.  After I got over my anger, my self-righteousness, I thought about what she had said.  

So  here I am, at "de house" and I have two car loads of people traveling from California to help me.  I told them "I no longer cook" but they are coming anyhow.  Until they get here, I will pack all Billy's things myself and then I will let them help me get away from this house, this town, this state.  Seriously though, I do know the house, the town, the state did not kill Billy.  His disease took him away.  I still blame them though in the back of my grief-laden brain.  I quit counting the weeks.  I hope there is hope for all of us.  Sometimes you have to listen to friends, especially if they have gone through their own grief..  Their grief is not the same as yours, but they do have a small amount of knowledge that might help at some time.  I will quit now.  I have work to do.   

[MartyT]

We're all in your corner, dear Marg, cheering for you! 

[Margm]

I do not want anyone to think I belittle their grief.  I don't.  I had 54 years with the kindest person in the world.  The one who could make me laugh, gave me children, had my biggest fusses with, went through so many detours and crossed bridges that are no longer there.  One size does not fit all.  I still cry...........a lot.  I talk to Billy constantly.  My mind may even have gone feeble, but I am not trying to belittle anyone.  I know how short a time it has been.  Bringing in those five big storage boxes to fill with Billy's life, pictures, hobbies, the weight of them on my already weakened condition from radiation caused colon injury, knowing if anything else happens, they cannot fix me.  My time may be short.  I do not care, I just want to lessen the load my kids will have to handle if I don't finish what Billy and I started.  

[kayc]

Oh Margaret, don't you have a friend to held share the load?  A sister, neighbor, someone who can carry those boxes for you?  I wish I was there so I could do it.  It helps to have someone there when you're going through stuff too.  They may not be able to make decisions for you but you can make decisions and hand it to them to put in the box.  I wish I'd had someone helping me go through things, I should not have done it alone, you could hear the wails clear down the street!

And I agree with the lady about dropping your kids off at church.  Perhaps I would not have been molested by my Sunday School teacher when I was under five if my parents had been around, perhaps the teacher saw me as vulnerable prey knowing I had no one there for me.  That reason aside, I doubt the lady was judging your dad, more like putting her opinion on him.

[Margm]

Kay, I think you come from the same place I do "please, I had rather do it myself."  The last time my granddaughter was here she rearranged our first aid/medicine shelves and we could find nothing.  I am just wanting to hurry and pack all of Billy's clothes, hobbies, etc.  I cannot use them and will give them out later, but right now I have already had people coming in like "I want this, I want that."  And, they can have them, but I want to smell all his clothes (I know that is weird), find all his little cards he wrote me, etc.  At first when I had help a big case (and this was in a wicker basket case, beautiful, that I had saved all my granddaughters little notes, grades, etc. in.)  It was thrown into the big fire and burned.  The people, besides myself, don't know what to throw away and what to keep.  I know I sound like the "dog in the manger" but I don't want to miss a thing.  Dishes, cooking utensils, anything of mine they can give away, throw away, I don't care.  One of these days I will go through his stuff, but right now I am just putting them in boxes to move and will write on the boxes.  Then, maybe next year, maybe the next, maybe never, I will get rid of the stuff.  Just too raw a wound right now.  But, these boxes were not full, they were just empty boxes.  And yes, I have family descending on me this week.  I have a great granddaughter I have never met.  Billy would have loved to have met her.  He loved children so much.  I think right now my love has dried up for everyone.  I guess this is another step.  I am getting knee aches from all these steps.  

[hollowheart]

15 minutes ago, Marg M said:

  One of these days I will go through his stuff, but right now I am just putting them in boxes to move and will write on the boxes.  Then, maybe next year, maybe the next, maybe never, I will get rid of the stuff.  Just too raw a wound right now. 

Marg, Kay, you guys are touching my spirit right now with how much you have accomplished when I can't even go INTO my sisters apartment let alone pick up a box and pack anything up. I admit, I'm taking advantage of the fact that I dont' have to do anything right now. Maybe that is why I don't. But I know if I had to I'd be just like you two. Marg, I know I'd just put things in boxes as fast as I can and pack it away for another day. I can't even bare to look at any of her things, all her favorite things that she won't get to use again.

I'm sure you all would be able to hear my crying from here if I really took time to go through everything. I did it once looking for  important papers the day she passed, but I was numb that day.

Marg, I'm sorry you have so much work to do alone. God bless you both.

[Margm]

You guys, I have help coming.  Just want to do most of it myself.  I don't have to lift, cannot lift much, but I can pack.  I loved those two weeks of hiding out.  I like to call it healing, but it was avoiding what I had to do.  Just like I said, gonna pull on my big girl panties and am doing it.  Got a lot done today.  More tomorrow.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I find it hard to eat.  Know I have to and am forcing stuff down.  

[scba]

Marg and Kay, I admire you. I couldn't pack his stuff, my MIL did it. I simply left the apartment we shared unable to do that. My inlaws dismantled all, on top of their pain. I will always feel grateful, guilty, and in debt for that.

 

[Margm]

I think that is my biggest problem, I don't want anyone touching his things.  At first, relatives just took things without asking.  I had to put a stop to it.  I was not ready to let anything go.  I have thrown away his medications and his "health" foods.  They did not work.  My mama used to tell me the story about the "dog in the manger" and I know I am like that.  All his hunting books, dog training books, rod wrapping books, all of his books on animal calls, I certainly will never read them, but I will keep them and when I go, my kids can do with them what they want to do.  

[hollowheart]

On 2/2/2016 at 7:37 PM, scba said:

Marg and Kay, I admire you. I couldn't pack his stuff, my MIL did it. I simply left the apartment we shared unable to do that. My inlaws dismantled all, on top of their pain. I will always feel grateful, guilty, and in debt for that.

This will be me. I just don't know if I can do it. I will pay someone to pack her stuff if need be.

Marg, I hear where you are coming from about people touching things and trying to take stuff. I think it depends on who is doing it, like nosy people eager to be in her business and see what she had. 

I had an an aunt going through her apartment mentioning unopened packages of toilet paper and styrofoam paper cups, saying they will "go to waste". Mind you this was the same day she passed and SHE WAS STILL LYING ON HER BEDROOM FLOOR. Can they take her body before you start taking stuff? Good grief.

[kayc]

HH,

The morning of George's funeral, a friend's live-in (George didn't particularly like her) infiltrated my space by coming up to my house uninvited when I was trying to get ready for the funeral!  It seemed so inappropriate and was only made worse when she snatched his hat off the holder and exclaimed, "I want his hat!!"  to which I snatched it back and exclaimed, "It's HIS hat!  You can't have it!"  No way in hell would I have given her his hat!  It took me nine years before I gave it to the one person I knew he'd want it to go to, his best friend.  He had tears in his eyes when I presented it to him.  NINE years it took me!

[hollowheart]

Kay,

Wait, this was your friends live-in girlfriend or significant other coming to your house? I mean, of all the people to come by on the DAY OF. And then to take something. I don't get these people. I love you snatched it back. Ha!

Oh and one more dumb thing from my family. My sister HATED this one cousin. H A T E D, and yes, I wish it had been him instead of her, but I digress. Anyway, my aunt wanted to have a discussion with me and my ma about him coming up to her apartment to take out some bags of garbage (?????) That was so randomly random. I was like 'what bags? Huh??' and WHY would I want him traipsing through her place with his thieving self (yes he steals what is not nailed down) I was just...done. And she knows she hated him.

First, I can carry out bags of garbage myself and anything else to heavy to move I'll pay someone. These people make me want to move to the mountains and become a recluse.

 

[kayc]

Oh yeah (snatched it back), and in quick order too!   It was George's friend's SO.  

Yes, for your aunt to interject the cousin like that is totally wrong!  I grew some moxie REAL FAST when George died!  People can really use their bullying/intimidation when you're most vulnerable if you let them.  Grrr!!

As for the moving to the mountains and becoming a recluse, that's where I live, and they FIND you!