Margm Posted February 20, 2016 Report Share Posted February 20, 2016 It is like I have lost feeling. There is a psychiatric disorder signified by a book called "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me." I know about this book because of family members. Sometimes I think we overthink things. My grandmother wrote about characters in her long life. Back then they were not given psychiatric diagnoses. Sometimes they were shut away, sometimes abandoned. I don't know what this stage is, but I have the wild desire to drive to a small town in Texas (don't know why Texas) but just to run away and live in a cheap motel. So many family problems and I look back now and remember that Billy and I both gave our lives to all these people, now I just want to run. My sister fired the hospice place, now has to find another. It turns out that is none of my business, so, I am good with that. That is the stage I cannot understand, the "don't bother me, I don't care" stage. I lack feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 20, 2016 Report Share Posted February 20, 2016 Margaret, Sometimes I have wanted to get on a bus and just go anywhere (OK comes to mind, not TX), some small town where no one knows me and I can fade into the woodwork. I won't, of course, I have my animals, but the thought has occurred...just want you to know you are not alone. I think it's wanting to escape from responsibility and problems and have a fresh start. But of course it would not play itself out like in my mind, life doesn't. I'm sorry you're being left out of family decisions, but then, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 20, 2016 Report Share Posted February 20, 2016 Marg, my dear, I don't think that wanting to get away from the chaos and drama of family members' problems is the same as lacking feelings ~ especially given the fact that you are barely four months bereaved and in need of space and time to mourn the death of your husband. As you say, you and your Billy both gave your lives to all these people ~ but that was then, when you had Billy to lean on and to wrap you in his protective and understanding arms. This is now, and you are alone and vulnerable, and doing your best to survive this devastating loss. It seems to me that anyone would want to run and hide from the circumstances you describe. This is not a stage. It is a perfectly normal and understandable desire for peace and quiet, to be alone with your thoughts and feelings, to be free to focus on and give your grief the attention it deserves. I hope that short of driving to Texas you can find a quiet place that is free of stress ~ even if it's a room where you can shut the door, be by yourself, maybe take a bath or listen to some soothing music, refresh yourself and be at peace for a while. ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2016 Well Marty, I have been unable to cry, I just did, but I still wish I was crying in that Texas motel. Of course, it probably has bedbugs. Your right, of course 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Marg, I felt that way just today. I wanted to get in a car and just drive and I felt like just driving off the ends of the earth. Today was Godawful and it is from loneliness. I feel like my Ma only acknowledges me to fix the TV or wifi. I cried all day today. Alone. Oh, and she happened to come into the room while I was sniffling and wiping my eyes and what happens? She sticks the remote in my face because she can't get a picture to show. I'm going to join you in that motel room. Bedbugs and all. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Funny that this was mentioned today. I said to a couple of colleagues of mine several times last week, "I want to get in my car and just get the hell away from everything." The problem though, is that since my grief and sorrow is all in my own self so skipping town will just bring everything with me. I also thought to myself that if I did not need medical insurance, I would quit the job that I love and have had for over ten years. I am so glad this board is here. I had a very rough day today. Sitting all alone in my apartment with no one to talk to. Some friends asked me if I wanted to do anything but I just don't feel up to it yet. I did laundry and cleaning and stuff, shopped for groceries, but there's such an emptiness. I look at his picture and melt thinking, "Why did you have to go? I hope you can hear me. Please know that I have been crying for hours on a daily basis for nearly 3 months now because you should be here with me." This is so, so hard. Sorry to hear you are having such a rough go, Marg. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Today I went to a funeral of someone I don't even know, to accompany a neighbor...the deceased is the son-in-law of a sweet lady at our senior site, we wanted to show up in support of her...but I have to admit, I felt, "my life is so lonely that I will even attend the funeral of a stranger at a moment's notice?" That's bad! Margaret and HollowHeart, I'm going with you, but not to TX, too hot and too many storms. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Kay, Margaret and Hollowheart, Can I come with you? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Kay, your funeral bad is not as desperate this. I play this game on my phone where I have to rescue this man. I get updates through the app where he sends messages on his whereabouts and How to save him. Every time I hear the 'ding' I sorta pretend it's a real message from someone. It's the only texts I get. Sad x 10,000. So sad it's funny. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 KayC...you just broke me up.......... Funeral Crashers at a moments notice...you are a character. Did you get treats?, 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Girls, wish we could all take a virtual road trip. Alas, you all know what happened to me. Ear buds in ears, listening to music that was supposed to relax me, at home by myself, between 1:00 am and 2:00 am, three police cars -, lights all flashing, plus an ambulance. I cannot disappear. I have to be able to communicate or they (family) will call out the national guard. I have to give them points though, this was my fault for mentioning falling. I was happy I was not hurt, but they could not get me on the phone. If I fall again, if I am able, will only let them know if I am hurt and in the hospital. I cannot blame them for caring. I have a lot of girlfriends, mostly widows, most I graduated high school with over half a century ago, and a lot I have worked with over 43 years. Plus, my widow neighbor who really saved my life, made me see that we can juggle family, finances and even my moving off and leaving her, which will be hardest.on both of us. I have one friend with a number of health difficulties and might have to go to assisted living. I know I need to get out. My sister posted something, not directly to me, but it had to do with saying how people should act when they are in "hot water". I think Eleanor Roosevelt said something about women being like tea bags, you know their strength when they are in hot water. I think I picked Texas because it is so big and you could get lost in a small town in the middle of it. I won't do it though, I think they still have Texas Rangers and I would get found. Then I would have to convince people I was sane. I might not pass that test. But wish we could all get together, Janka from Slovakia, Debi from Brussels ( absent lately) our girls from England and everywhere. If I was rich I would bring you all together. I honestly think we might make a night without crying. I hope you all feel better, and I hope we all find some peace. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 My dearest Margaret! I believe that one day we two will meet. I love you !!! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Janka, I feel like I know you, you have a beautiful spirit and you brighten up our space. When I get to my home computer, I am going to Google Slovakia and visit your country. Until then, I hope your health improves a lot. We love you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Kevin, it was the strangest funeral I've been to in that there was no sermon, no one stood up and said anything about him, no slideshow. There were pictures and there was a dinner of nachos. Very odd. I didn't know the man that died but I knew some of the people in attendance. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 TH, it is like I say, no matter where I go, there I am. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 On 2/22/2016 at 6:27 AM, kayc said: Kevin, it was the strangest funeral I've been to in that there was no sermon, no one stood up and said anything about him, no slideshow. There were pictures and there was a dinner of nachos. Very odd. I didn't know the man that died but I knew some of the people in attendance. Sounds more like a memorial-like remembrance than a traditional funeral. I feel like with memorials anything goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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