Insanity as a heritage

[Margm]

Back in "the day" people did not go to psychiatrists.  Yet, over time my sister studying psycology was able to label my mom as borderline personality disorder.  I had already labeled her a bunch of non-psychiatric terms.  Yes, I was disrespectful, but not to her face.  I had already seen her deck my gentleman dad three times.  We would respectfully say Mama was exaggerating when she was lying.  My two kids are bipolar and I am sure my dad was also.  What I got from this gene pool was chronic depression diagnosed after15 years of psychotherapy.  Somewhere along the way they found out I had a Factor IX blood deficiency which I did pass down to my daughter, but I have always been asymptomatic. Daughter has problems, but it stops with us.  (Queen Victoria's blood disorder that caused so much hemophilia in her decendents).  I love genealogy and Billy was going to drive me to all these little lost cemeteries around our deep roots in North Louisiana.  As soon as I can get moved, I will continue this.  It takes hours of your time and I love it.  It is like time travel.

My faith, lack of faith, search for faith is a big part of my journey and I hope it provides me with some peace.  That is my journey though.  I know what "I" have to do.  

But I am southern, always have been.  Not a member of the KKK, never have been, or any of' my relatives.  Not sure what a redneck is, but I probably am one.  I come from the hippy generation, but my friends who lost their life in the Vietnam war did not deserve being spit on and ostracized, (sp?)  That is about as political as I get.  I sometimes will have ideas different from yours, but t grieve just as hard.  Billy was my mighty protector and I am totally lost without him.  I do know I cannot do what "we" were going to do.  I am looking for nothing but peace.  I don't want solitude, just peace that passes all understanding.  

If I seem odd, or "off" to some of you, maybe I am.  At my age, I have no one to blame but me.  I enjoyed making Billy laugh, and my friends all know I have a few loose screws, but I hope I do not put any of you in a bad mood or hurt your feelings.  We do all have cultural differences. These are mine.  I did finish high school, two business colleges, two years of college, but honestly, my intellect left when Billy left. Ain't nothing left.

Anyhow, this is my "different" culture.

[brat#2]

Marg, I think, especially now in our grief, we are ALL a little odd, that's what makes this forum so interesting and what makes our individual journeys unique.

[KarenK]

Marg,

My BIL is a certifiable Paranoid Schizophrenic/Manic Depressant. I spend as little time with him as possible. Ron's mother was odd also. Trust me, you are nothing like either of them.

When I was very little, I used to bang my head on the sidewalk. I don't know why. Drove my parents crazy. I continued this until they showed me a picture of a woman with a horn growing out of her head(Ripley's Believe It Or Not stuff). I quit banging my head, but to this day wonder if that may be part of the cause  for my sometimes losing all sense of reason. Not really, but it's a good excuse.

Since my husband and my daughter died, I have done a bunch of things that made no sense, the worst of which was spending money I could ill afford and destroying my life. That is not "me", but it is now "on me". Can't get it back, can't fix it. If Ron were here, he would somehow help, but he's not so I live with it the best I can.

Unlike so many of you, I do not expect to see them again in the afterlife and I do not expend any energy in wishing to do so. They would both be ashamed of me.

Like you, someday I will find my way. The energy I do have is spent trying to just survive.

Peace

[Gwenivere]

5 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Unlike so many of you, I do not expect to see them again in the afterlife and I do not expend any energy in wishing to do so. They would both be ashamed of me.

Not sure where the shame is coming from.  But I know I have driven myself crazy about this afterlife thing.  Never believed it before thru so many losses.  Somehow Steve's is challenging that.  Mostly because I cannot yet grasp the idea of not seeing him again in this life.  I think mine is a desperation to ease that to keep going on.  They 'say' energy can't be created or destroyed.  And we are forms of energy.  The closest I can come is he has become a part of a pool of it.  Not very consoling.  If only we could know.  I do know I wish I will see him again but I have to be open to that may never happen.

[KarenK]

Gwen,

The shame is is realizing what I have done to myself and they would not be proud of me. I have not carried on with honor into a productive life, only a destructive one. I was not as strong as I professed to be and am not "okay" as I told Ron I would be. We all live in our own personal hell, I guess.

[Margm]

Karen, you have reasons to do just about anything.  You have lost your mate and a child.  I cannot imagine the pain.  I don't even want to imagine it.  As far the being irresponsible, I am about ready to try a little irresponsibility, I am so tired of being responsible.  Heck, as a teenager, back in the days of night clubs like the Whisk-A-Go-Go, I wanted to dance in those cages with white go-go boots on and not much else.  I could have pulled it off as a teenager, but I bet I would make more money now.  My poor deacon daddy would have had to resign back then.  

[kayc]

Margaret,

I am a redneck, and proud of it.  My son is a redneck.  He told his wife before they got married he'd never buy a new car, no matter how much $ he made.  he can buy one that doesn't run, fix it up, pull the dents out of it and drive it.  He eats what he kills.  His idea of fun is usually out in the wilderness somewhere.  We come from a town where no one cares how you dress or what you drive.  I see from the urban dictionary that redneck connotates something else to other people, around here it's more a way of life.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

The shame is is realizing what I have done to myself and they would not be proud of me. I have not carried on with honor into a productive life, only a destructive one. I was not as strong as I professed to be and am not "okay" as I told Ron I would be. We all live in our own personal hell, I guess.

I feel you are expecting too much from yourself.  The last thing we need in grief is judgement, especially from ourselves as we tend to be the harder in ourselves than we would anyone else.  But I don't know the history either.   I told Steve I would be OK too.  That turned out to be a lie.  I didn't know it at the time, at least not about how devastating it would be.  I wish I knew some comforting words, but you are right.  When we are in our own hells, there is no solace.  I don't know if you are looking for forgiveness.  But I do know that can only come from you.

[kayc]

Karen,

I think you're probably you're own hardest critic.  I rather imagine Ron would understand how hard this has been for you and would want to put his arms around you and make everything okay.  I've been hard on myself too for having married John, yet I know deep inside of me George would be the first one to understand rather than judge me, and would feel for me and want to put his arms around me.  If you carry on anything, carry on Ron's love and care for you.

[brat#2]

Yes, I believe we are harder on ourselves than our partners would be.  Society seems to expect us to go on, live "normal" lives, be just as productive and confident as we were before we lost our partners, not realizing or caring how hard that is to do, so we try and if we don't succeed we feel we have failed.  I try to tell myself that I'm doing good to get up every day and accomplish little things right now and feel Dale is proud of what I've accomplished so far.  I believe all of our loves are proud of all of us doing our best to continue life without them.

[mittam99]

23 hours ago, kayc said:

Margaret,

I am a redneck, and proud of it.  My son is a redneck.

As an aside, can you be a true redneck if you're from Oregon?

One thing I've noticed about my grief is I now have a much lower tolerance for BS. And when I hear someone complain about how horrible their life is due to a hangnail or something, I just want to scream!

[Margm]

We are back in Arkansas:

Well, we made it.  My granddaughter came with me.  Have not had a slow moment yet.  Came home to pay bills and get some things straight.  Was good to see my son.  He has my temperament but he is his dad's son.  You sometimes think about how much you hurt, but then Billy was his son and his daughter's idol, servant, and Scott said there was no man he was afraid of except his dad.  Now, Billy never was mean to those kids, ever, but he meant he respected him that much.  And, it was not the fear my daddy whipped into me.  It was true respect.  And my granddaughter, Billy was her first Nanny, and she lived with us 15 years.  She was his heart.  He was her "Dade", and her granddaddy.  He home schooled her and we took care of her every need. She lost a double dose of love. I hurt, but so do they.  I have not slept in our bed in a month, don't know how that is going to go.  Went to see Hettie to let her know we were here.  She is my sister widow neighbor.  Two days traveling and three days to take care of business.  March will be spent in Louisiana.  In April, the house will be on the market.  Too many doctor visits for family in March (in Louisiana), and hopefully none of them mine.  I will honestly be glad to have an apartment.  I hate keeping up a house.  One man's trash is another man's treasure.  I understand.  To my mom, her house was her castle.  My neighbor is like that too.  We just never were homesteaders, but the majority of my friends are.  We were odd man out.  (I'm sorry, I have not taken time to read the forum yet since I got here.)  Have to get settled.  I miss Billy terribly, but the sadness and crying have not hit me yet.  But then, I have not gone to bed.

[brat#2]

Marg, glad you made it safely.  Good luck tonight.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

As an aside, can you be a true redneck if you're from Oregon?

One thing I've noticed about my grief is I now have a much lower tolerance for BS. And when I hear someone complain about how horrible their life is due to a hangnail or something, I just want to scream!

Yep!  If you're from Oakridge...

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

As an aside, can you be a true redneck if you're from Oregon?

One thing I've noticed about my grief is I now have a much lower tolerance for BS. And when I hear someone complain about how horrible their life is due to a hangnail or something, I just want to scream!

Yes.  What you need to finish get a flannel shirt, cut off the sleeves, make sure your jeans ride too low when you bend over and wear a baseball cap that has no meaning.  

I'm reminded of an ER episide where Greene was dealing with a self centered woman going berserk because she needed her B12 shot and was late for work.  He said....I have brain cancer.  I win.

[kevin]

I am now very short and terse when commenting to a$$holes about Grief.......the only comparable emotion, I would think, would be the Grief associated with the passing of a young Child.............all others are so far back. I was asked and my answer was I felt the Pain of Grief was 10x worse than any pain I ever imagined.........plus Cognitive powers totally depleted.........On a positive note spent 8 days  on the Coast, touring the orchard areas of the Okanagan Valley, Museums, and few good restaurants....first Brocolli is up, tomatoes just seeded......Trying to stay busy....

[Gwenivere]

Only 10 times, Kevin?  I think you are being a bit generous.  As for the idiots out there, there are way too many of them.  That's a real problem with the depleted cognitive abilities.  It's great you got to get away.   My panic attacks are hard to control right now so I'm kinda stuck just doing the mediocre day to day crap.  Hope you had some good meals!

[Margm]

I think I am able to get away from the remarks that are insensitive, except with relatives, and two of my friends have said something, trying to help me, but they need to wait until I ask for help.  Any of these insensitive people that attack all my "peeps" on this forum need to wait until we ask for help.  My mom was the queen of comebacks, and so is my spitfire daughter.  Myself, when someone says something untoward, I think I tend to take that shovel and dig that hole a little deeper, where they cannot see the top of my head, and then they cannot address their well meaning platitudes to me.  Honestly though, I have not had to dig that deep.  Mostly, I have been told to read my Bible.  One told me to read Psalms starting at the beginning.  I have honestly read the Bible when I could comprehend it.  But now, I have a hard time comprehending People's magazine, and it has pictures.

I do know in the Bible it says it is appointed to man once to die and after that the resurrection.  I am sorry folks, sometimes I get John Donne, William Shakespeare, Bob Dylan, Woody Guthrie and quotes from the Bible mixed up.  My sister usually catches my errors.  

Billy has not come to me in this house since I have been home..  My granddaughter and I watched a horror movie called Crimson Peaks last night and even after that I was not visited, even with words in a dream.  I left his urn at my daughter's house with his brother's urn.  Maybe he is angry with me for doing that.  She watched basketball last night with the two sport fans though, and I know he liked it better than the horror movie.  

I will leave Monday morning.  You would not believe all the doctor appointments my family has this next month.  Counseling every Tuesday for my granddaughter, Endocrinology on the 21st, my daughter's colonoscopy and other tests after Easter, my daughter's partner (yep, significant other type of things) major surgery up here the first of April.  April will be spent up here and my granddaughter (Billy's heart) will have to be away from me for a month.  A long history of strife with this problem, remember my daughter has mental problems.  Her partner.......well "she/he" has her own problems.

Life gets complicated sometimes.  Throw in an Alzheimer's mother and a sister who is super intelligent, but has no means of support, and I think I can find things to occupy me.  I am headed to my own apartment away from this beef-vegetable soup existence as soon as I can.  The last time I said "Lord willing and the creek don't rise" Billy passed away.  I don't say that anymore.  Some believe in God, some don't, but for myself, God thinks I am a comedian and tends to laugh at my plans.  I hope everyone has as good a Sunday and next week as is possible.  I know the people on Facebook miss my "word salads" that I make you all read now.  Sorry.

As an addendum, my favorite color is purple.  Actually, I love red and purple mixed together in swirls.  I was so surprised to come home to the most beautiful comforter with pillows of the colors of red and purple.  Everyone says I bought it.  I have no recollection.  Life/death are strange partners that rob our memory. It was laying on my king size bed so pretty.  A nice welcome..........I guess from myself.

[Margm]

Another story:  Yesterday when I was doing my running around in this small town, I was not struck by how much I hate the town.  I don't hate the town.  This is where Billy and I used to take short vacations because it was close to Louisiana.  There are back roads/forest roads all around me and the Ouachita National Forest that Billy loved.  Walking these roads with him and him taking pictures or using his calls to call up varmints, I will miss that.  

Mama told me a story one time (she did not approve of my gypsy life) about a family that drove up to a man sitting on the porch and asked him what was the town that he lived in like, they were thinking of moving there.  He asked them how was the town they had just left.  They told him it was full of judgmental people, gossips, sinners, and just overall bad people.  He told them that the new town they were thinking of moving to was just like the one they had left.  So, they moved on.  Next, another car full of family came up.  They said they had had to move because of a job change and how was this new town they were moving into.  He asked the same question of them and they said that their church was full of wonderful people that had given them a going away party, the town told them how much they would be missed and they had hated to leave that town.  The man told them that the new town was just like the one they had left.  People would love and accept them and they would enjoy all the people and the whole town.  

I never moved or left a town because it was distasteful.  I loved the places I lived.  Billy was always with me though and I could have lived in a tent with him and would have been happy cooking over an outside fire.  (We camped out often).  But, he is not with me and I have to protect myself for myself, as soon as I quit digging this hole.  I don't hate the town I am in really, Billy just left me alone in this state and I want to go back where we were.  He still won't be with me, but we had beautiful memories (some nightmares too), but I feel him in our former home more than this one.  Cannot afford to keep a big house up, and maybe even if I could afford it, and I probably could, it is as good excuse as any to leave. Like I said though, I won't make concrete plans, they seem to tickle the powers that be.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Mostly, I have been told to read my Bible.  One told me to read Psalms starting at the beginning.  I have honestly read the Bible when I could comprehend it.  But now, I have a hard time comprehending People's magazine, and it has pictures.

Haha, I love it!

[brat#2]

Marg, I tend to do the same thing, I dig a hole and hope people can't see me.  Since Billy hasn't come to you in this house, that is his way of telling you are doing the right thing.  The comforter sounds beautiful, my favorite color is purple too.  Have a safe trip.

Joyce

[Gin]

yesterday I shocked a friend when I told her that I have Al's ashes in the back room.  He wanted them spread in his home town in Pa.  I did not know I could make that trip, so I just brought them home for now.  I would like mine mixed with his and then bury them or scatter them.  She kept asking, "not even in an urn?"  She genuinely was shocked.  Maybe I lost another friend!

[brat#2]

Gin, you are not alone, I have Dale's ashes in my office still in the boxes from the funeral home. I bought a little urn and have some in that, but haven't decided what to do with the rest.  He wanted scattered in his home town and at our home here in Florida, but I haven't been able to make it to Ohio and not sure I want them here because I'm not sure if I will stay here in the long run.  I would like mine with him too. I'm just not ready to scatter the rest yet.

[Margm]

My uncle called and graciously offered me two burial plots in our family cemetery.  He is in his 80s now and really was rather silent (bless his heart, I know he was shocked) when I told him what I had done.  I appreciated his offer.  I will have a memorial stone for Billy and myself, and my kids know when I go to have an urn to mix our ashes.  Then they can bury the urn at the base of the memorial stone I will have placed in his family's cemetery..  We also have his brother's ashes.  Billy had a little sister who was buried in a cemetery out in the country.  Billy never knew her.  She was to start her first day of school but passed away with one of the diseases they had back in the 1930's.  Billy's dad had wanted to be buried next to his little girl but my mother-in-law, even though she was from this area, she would not have it, so weakened by his cancer, Billy's dad gave in.  They were never very happy together.  All I remember is fussing.  When she passed away, horror of horrors, they dug her grave at Billy's dad's feet, rather than next to him.  A solemn time that we all went away laughing about.  Billy's mother would have fought herself out of the grave to have been put at his feet..  They corrected it.  I will have a memorial stone put next to ours and will have Billy's sister's name and his brother's name as brother and sister on the stone.  His ashes will go there.  I never knew the sister, of course, but I greatly admired and loved his brother.  He really lived the life of taking lemons and making lemonade.  My family's cemetery is beautiful, but Billy's family's cemetery is in his small town, and in his memory we will have our memorial stones there.  I was a Mims a lot longer than I was a Haynes.  By that time, neither Billy nor I will care, but our relatives have a place to visit, if they ever want to. One of my girlfriends from high school, so many years ago, she has her husband's, her mom's, her dad's and I think her sister's ashes.  Times, they are a changing for some people.

[Margm]

Just as an aside, I just finished reading My Mother Was Nuts, by Penny Marshall (Laverne, of Laverne and Shirley).  I hope you all remember her.  Her mom and dad did not get along at all.  Her mom passed away and Penny took her ashes up on the 17th floor of maybe Lorne Michael's office, I think maybe in Brooklyn, and scattered them out the window.  When her dad passed, she did the same thing.  She is a funny woman and I loved reading about her growing up in Brooklyn.  Your grandparents lived with you too.  Her grandparents did not like each other either, so grandfather moved across the hall with a couple of ladies over there.  Life can really get crazy.