The Sting Of Death

[Teddy]

Death is an uncomfortable subject. Many people prefer not to talk about it. But sooner or later, we must confront it. And the sting of death is sharp and painful.

[kayc]

Hi, Teddy.  Welcome to this site.  When you are ready, I hope you will share your story...who you lost, when.  Yes, death is an uncomfortable subject...even more uncomfortable to live in the face of it.  Others may be able to walk away from it, but to those of us living with grief, it is ever present.

[Mom's angel]

True.

I've got comments from someone like

" I don't know what I would be doing without my mom"

or someone will say

" if I was in your place I won't be able to control my tears ". 

I do not say anything,  I feel empty inside and cannot find any words, 

Some of my friends brings up topics about their mothers when I'm with them, they say " yesterday I went for shopping with my mom" or " today I'm going to the cinema with my mom". 

I cannot describe the feeling I have at that time, I just slowly shift away, I mostly try to avoid them, 

honestly, if I was with someone who's grieving then I would never ever bring topics that could hurt their feelings, I know that at such times even the smallest thing hurts but this are the obvious statement that can hurt someone who is grieving. 

 

 

 

[hollowheart]

Mom's Angel, I totally agree with you. I have had people say "I can't imagine losing my <insert whoever>"  and I think, well I could never imagine it either! And that hurt so bad because I never thought I'd be in this place and I am and I have to imagine and live with losing my loved one. You only have to try to avoid imagining the worse, I'm LIVING it, so shut up. It does make me angry and resentful.

Teddy, death is uncomfortable and heartbreaking and everyone deals with it differently. I see now that I am utterly broken and lost with this loss and I'm having a hard time finding the path again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that no one truly realizes or cares about how much I'm still suffering through this. I think of my friends who have moved on and have no idea how I suffer and struggle every minute of every day.

[Mom's angel]

Hollow heart,  some people really need to understand that someone like us are living the horrible pain that they cannot even imaging.

One of my friend called me 'lucky' for just a small matter, I stood there struck thinking about all that happened with me, she called me lucky.

 

[hollowheart]

Mom's Angel, I don't know what people are thinking about when they say these things. I have forgiven some friends because I know I have not always been thoughtful, but sometimes I wonder if people even think before they say certain things.

I have seen so many Meme's like the one you posted. I have cried buckets over them so I can't even read them, they are so meaningful and hit me right in the heart. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss my sister and her presence. I am still in total shock she is gone.

[Mom's angel]

I understand that. I have got them too. Sometimes reading them it feels like they were written from my heart. 

Somehow they bring the things I want to say straight out of my heart.

As my mom is for me, your sister is for you.. So I totally understand the pain. 

I posted that for the part that talked about the fake smiles

 People like us put on everyday, others just see the smile but the only one who truly has the ability to see through the fake smile and reach my broken heart is not with me,

I know she is with me but I'll be lying if I say I don't beg to see her actually in front of me.

 

 

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Mom's angel said:

I posted that for the part that talked about the fake smiles

 People like us put on everyday, others just see the smile but the only one who truly has the ability to see through the fake smile and reach my broken heart is not with me,

I know she is with me but I'll be lying if I say I don't beg to see her actually in front of me.

I think that as lonely as I get, sometimes I'm glad I'm not around people because I would surely have on a fake smile. and the thing about fake smiles is people think they are real and I know if I'm "smiling" they will think "Oh, she's great now. She's back to her old self and have moved on!" which is as far from the truth as you can get.  When people see me and say "oh, you seem to be doing ok" It's all an act. I'm just existing, basically. But you know we can't bring up the truth.

[Mom's angel]

Yup, if we started telling them how are we actually doing it will take the whole day.

Sometimes it's better and easier to say "I'm okay" rather then explaining what actually is going on inside me.

[Guest]

I typically say "I've been better" and leave it at that. 

[Gwenivere]

I've gone one step further.  I'll say do you want the truth or the societal correct reponse.  I've found conversations can now be started without the question of how we are.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎11‎.‎3‎.‎2016 at 4:03 PM, Mom's angel said:

True.

I've got comments from someone like

" I don't know what I would be doing without my mom"

or someone will say

" if I was in your place I won't be able to control my tears ". 

I do not say anything,  I feel empty inside and cannot find any words, 

Some of my friends brings up topics about their mothers when I'm with them, they say " yesterday I went for shopping with my mom" or " today I'm going to the cinema with my mom". 

I cannot describe the feeling I have at that time, I just slowly shift away, I mostly try to avoid them, 

honestly, if I was with someone who's grieving then I would never ever bring topics that could hurt their feelings, I know that at such times even the smallest thing hurts but this are the obvious statement that can hurt someone who is grieving. 

 

 

 

Dear Mom´s angel,

nice to hear from you again! I do understand. It still hurts,there,here,everywhere...when someone speaks of big family,though knows I have no one so close...or when anybody complains about mom who loves him and I´d do anything to have a mom that takes care...I could go on talking about...but you also know how it feels.

I´m very sorry for everything you go through,too!

Send you big hugs from the heart!

With love Janka

[Mom's angel]

Thank you Janka.

Yup all of us knows how some of the insensitive comments feels like.

Janka, you're a nice person and you've got a good big family here. 

I do read the posts in this forum but don't reply often. 

I've read you're post about the your friends, I've also been hurt by some of my friends that are very close to me, I've helped them often but sometimes they cannot return the same, but I forgive them because they don't exacty understand my situation.

People take so many things for granted, nothing is permanent. 

I've loved my mom and cared for her( not as much as she did for me)  but yet I lost her. 

We complained for small things when we had everything and when the special one is lost from our lives nothing else matters anymore.

[sharirouse]

Hi Teddy,

That is so very true. I still find myself avoiding the thought of it and not dealing with it but it just makes it more painful when I finally do. Personally I have found that when I talk about it, and say it out loud, it helped me deal. Its a terrible thing that is promised to happen so we should be able to talk about it comfortably without people looking at us like we are lepers. 

[MyMB]

Went to the doctor yesterday when she ask about my appetite I had to tell her that since I've lost my wife I don't have one. I eat because I have to. The I broke down and cried. I don't want to be a burden to my family but it's obvious to me that  nobody knows how I really feel. I just wait for everyday to be over.

[kayc]

MyMB,

I'm sorry, it know how hard it is esp. in the earlier grief.  There's a lot of talk here about people saying "fine" when people ask how they are...I know we don't want to open up to everyone we run across, but it's so important to have someone you can let down with.  If nothing else, please come here and let it out.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor, they're trained to guide us through our grief and it's pretty hard to make our way through it alone.

[kevin]

MyMB , somebody coined the phrase Grief diet,,,,,,it is a symptom of the Grief process and one you are obviously aware of. Your nutrition and rest are so important to your cognitive function and part of this journey you have control over.....Short term tip is use Boost or Ensure until appetite returns. Grieg sucks energy out of you......KayC has some good council....my best Kevin

[kayc]

I understand the not wanting to eat, but at least MyMB is eating, he just doesn't feel like it.  I drink homemade healthy smoothies to get nutrition in when I don't feel like it.  Most of the time I have the opposite problem though...mindless eating.  I've started writing everything down so I can look at it and see what I NEED to eat before the day is over.  

[Guest]

MyMB-

For the first couple of months I couldn't eat or sleep either.  I lost fifteen pounds the first six weeks and was sleeping two to four hours a day with the help of Ativan.  My grief counselor sent me to a psychiatrist who put me on Remeron (Mirtazapine).  It is an antidepressant that has two side effects - increases sleep and increases appetite.  I started sleeping and eating.  The additional sleep helped with the grief, I still cried frequently but I was able to better control when and where I broke down.  I just recently stopped taking it because I feel like I am better able to cope now than I was.

[MartyT]

This is an important article, MyMB, and I hope you'll read it and take it to heart: Self-Care After Devastating Loss

[mittam99]

On 3/10/2016 at 9:28 AM, Teddy said:

And the sting of death is sharp and painful.

Sting is putting it mildly. More like a bazooka blast to your core and then an atomic bomb is dropped directly to your heart. And somehow you survive all that.

[MyMB]

Thanks to all of you. I'm going to do my best to take advice from people that know exactly what their talking about. It all makes sense. 

[Teddy]

On 3/11/2016 at 9:03 AM, Mom's angel said:

True.

I've got comments from someone like

" I don't know what I would be doing without my mom"

or someone will say

" if I was in your place I won't be able to control my tears ". 

I do not say anything,  I feel empty inside and cannot find any words, 

Some of my friends brings up topics about their mothers when I'm with them, they say " yesterday I went for shopping with my mom" or " today I'm going to the cinema with my mom". 

I cannot describe the feeling I have at that time, I just slowly shift away, I mostly try to avoid them, 

honestly, if I was with someone who's grieving then I would never ever bring topics that could hurt their feelings, I know that at such times even the smallest thing hurts but this are the obvious statement that can hurt someone who is grieving. 

 

 

 

Mom have you ever had a brief bout with illness? Perhaps you recovered so quickly that you have practically forgotten the episode.

Well, grief is not like that. “There is no such thing as ‘getting over’ grief,” writes Dr. Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart. 

However, he adds: “Over time and with the support of others, your grief will soften.”

[Teddy]

Thankyou 

[Teddy]

On 3/12/2016 at 6:15 PM, sharirouse said:

Hi Teddy,

That is so very true. I still find myself avoiding the thought of it and not dealing with it but it just makes it more painful when I finally do. Personally I have found that when I talk about it, and say it out loud, it helped me deal. Its a terrible thing that is promised to happen so we should be able to talk about it comfortably without people looking at us like we are lepers. 

Absolutely Shari 

As an example, consider how the patriarch Abraham reacted when his wife died. The Bible says that “Abraham began to mourn and to weep over Sarah.” The expression “began to” suggests that it took some time for him to cope with his loss. * Another example is Jacob, who was deceived into believing that his son Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. He grieved for “many days,” and his family members were unable to comfort him. Several years later, the death of Joseph still weighed heavily on his mind.

 

Abraham mourned the loss of his beloved Sarah

Clearly, Shari such painful and long-lasting feelings are only natural. Each person grieves in his or her own way, and it would be unwise to judge the way another person responds to tragedy. At the same time, we may need to hold off from condemning ourselves if our reaction to loss seems excessive. How can we cope with grief?