Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[kevin]

On 12/12/2016 at 5:48 AM, kayc said:

 What you "feel the need to do" is for yourself, not necessarily in THEIR best interest.  And not necessarily what Crystal would have wanted.  If she'd wanted her kids and friends to know you, she would have told them long ago.  This desire within you has become like an obsession, but you need to get control over it.  

Finch, your judgement appears clouded.........KAYc statement is solid.....this is what a good Counselor will recommend....

[Numb and Lost]

27 minutes ago, Finch said:

Hi,

I was reading your posts and nearly everything you said with what you have been through in the last month, I can relate to in some way. I'm so very sorry for how much this hurts and how complicated the situation is. The feelings and emotions you are experiencing, I experienced similar, and still experience. If you've read my posts in this thread then you might recognise this? I know how you feel when you ask 'who hurts for me?' To their family, you don't exist. You are invisible, a ghost. To most of Crystal's family and friends, I don't exist and I now have no connection to the things in her life bar looking from afar on Facebook and brief contact with one of her friends (and 1 very cautious message to her father). They grieve together, we grieve in isolation. They don't know how significant we were in their lives. How much we meant to them and they to us. It's not fair that what we had or what we hoped to have in the future isn't validated by others. I too often think - wouldn't Crystal's parents be upset to know there is someone hurting so much over their daughter? So much profound hurt, like them? But then I measure that against the fact that the Crystal I loved was different to the Crystal they loved. And she didn't tell them about me, so I should respect that and not risk causing them pain. It's so tough to navigate and to consider their feelings when our pain feels literally unbearable. So complicated and difficult to know what is the right thing to do and to this day I go back and forth on it. I have discussed it many times on here and with my grief counselor and with friends. I don't know if I can offer you effective advice. I am still finding my way but I do want you to know that you are not alone and I will listen to whatever you want to talk through, and everyone else here will listen.

The contacts I have made so far have been very cautious, as I said. I don't know if I will make any more. I would probably recommend that you let some time pass first before acting on any decision to contact. Let your head and heart be in a better place so that your judgement is clearer and you can more objectively weigh up the pros and cons, and they whys of doing it.

Does anyone in your life know what you are going through? Does your husband know? Any friends you can talk to who might support you?

Finch

 

 

 

 

 

Yes when I read through some of your posts I identified with a lot of what you were feeling. I confided in a few friends, some I wish I wouldn't have as only one has been very supportive. My husband does not know. He can be pretty crazy and there is no telling what he would do if he found out. Another reason why contacting anyone would be risky. That is why most of the times we saw each other I was paranoid, paranoid he would somehow see or find out. So we were going to meet a little out of town that next week. That was the last conversation we had, planning that day that never came. Then of course the text I never responded to. That will haunt me forever. I did send the sister a fb message just saying I was a friend and I was sorry, really just feeling her out to see if she might know. Evidently she didn't she just said thank you. That hurts too wondering if I meant as much since he didn't tell her.  I didn't tell my siblings of course but I am not that close as I think he was to her. I even considered contacting her through a fake Facebook anonymously just to see how she would react. That's what I was thinking is I would wait and see how I feel about it as time continues. Some days I feel like I will just die if I don't do something. My head starts getting dizzy and I just feel sick. I am 33 and I can't imagine living with this terrible pain for another 50 plus years. My only other idea was contacting a guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. It was actually his fb status that let me know he had passed. I don't know how good of friends they were recently though but I don't think he would judge me or tell anyone. But I don't know how much good it would do either. But I talked to him about personal things in high school of course that was years ago. I also have to worry about opening up a door for continued messages from him or my husband finding his reply etc. Certainly seems crazy to worry about it now that he isn't here anymore. I loved him so much he was everything I ever wanted and he wasn't never mind. So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had. As long as he was alive I felt there was more to come and there was a reason I met him even if I wouldn't know for years to come. I always thought at some point in this life we would be together. All that hope is gone and I feel like everything is just so hopeless. I do love my husband but he's had an off and on drug problem and has put me through pure hell at times. He was my silver lining and everything I could ever want. He recently sent me a fb friend request which I at first didn't accept because I didn't want my husband to ask who he was how I knew him or anything. But I couldn't resist accepting it. It felt so good to have that connection. To be able to see when he was active. I looked at it all day to see when he was on there. There were periods in those years we didn't see each other or talk much when we were trying to do the right thing, and I thought well no matter what happens I feel better now that we are connected on fb and I can see how his life is going and know he is here. Now he is gone just when he was opening up more than he has before and I was beyond excited to see him. I pick up my phone all day and want to look at his page even though I know nothing has changed. So I look at his family's instead. I am still struggling very much with acceptance he was just so alive. The last time I saw his face was in a FaceTime call. He said why haven't we done this before it might be the only way we get to see each other. We were having trouble getting schedules together to see each other. He was excited about his motorcycle and told me about it. He was just beaming. I said jokingly but serious too "please don't die on it" and he just laughed and said "what." That's how he died. That's the last time I ever "saw" him was on that call. 

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Welcome the numb.  I called it my numbing down.  Now after 17 months, I cannot do it.

After 17 months I have some periods of almost happiness.  I feel too guilty to be happy.  I think that goes with all of us.  We were happy with our mate but we have lost a whole half side of our body and we tend to flop along.  You think you cannot enjoy things because your mate cannot enjoy them with you.  If you have other people, family, in your life you will have to try to help take care of them, but you really do have to take care of yourself first.

After living with Billy nearly 55 years my first impulse was to follow him, and I did not mind doing that at all.  I did not want to live without him.  I tried grief group, (This is the only place that I found that addresses our grief). We lived for and took care of family during all that time and I have a hard time listening to music.  I turned politics off TV earlier to music.  Turned to easy listening music.  They just played "A Time for Us" from West Side Story  and that is what we thought.  Eventually there will be "a time for us" but there never was.  I get bitter sometimes.  We fitted into those years a bunch of things we wanted to do, so I will give up on that sadness.  We have to take care of  ourselves, but in my case, I also have to take care of family and sometimes (other than my teenage granddaughter), I have to just ignore family.  

I cannot say it gets "easier" cause there is nothing easy about it.  I will say things get different, and the definition of that has to come from you.  I cannot tell you what my different is.  Sometimes I do not even notice seasons have changed.  I will say, somehow we do manage to flop along.  I don't know how that saying goes, two steps forward, fall back one.  Just keep reading.  You will recognize your feelings somewhere in this forum and you  will see how we all feel at different times.  We are all from different backgrounds, different parts of the country, but grief is a common denominator.  

I also can not listen to music. I can't stand it hardly. But when I get in the car with my husband and kids of course I can't just say I don't like music anymore. However one day I cried out to God that if he could just let me know he was ok and I would see him again I would be ok. I turned on the radio even after having it off so long onto the Christian radio station. These are the lyrics to the song that was playing. 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had.

Yes. You are mourning the loss of a dream, and what you are feeling, although painful, is understandable. I invite you to read this, in hopes that it speaks to you and offers you some comfort: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Yes. You are mourning the loss of a dream, and what you are feeling, although painful, is understandable. I invite you to read this, in hopes that it speaks to you and offers you some comfort: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

Thank you 

[Finch]

17 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Yes when I read through some of your posts I identified with a lot of what you were feeling. I confided in a few friends, some I wish I wouldn't have as only one has been very supportive. My husband does not know. He can be pretty crazy and there is no telling what he would do if he found out. Another reason why contacting anyone would be risky. That is why most of the times we saw each other I was paranoid, paranoid he would somehow see or find out. So we were going to meet a little out of town that next week. That was the last conversation we had, planning that day that never came. Then of course the text I never responded to. That will haunt me forever. I did send the sister a fb message just saying I was a friend and I was sorry, really just feeling her out to see if she might know. Evidently she didn't she just said thank you. That hurts too wondering if I meant as much since he didn't tell her.  I didn't tell my siblings of course but I am not that close as I think he was to her. I even considered contacting her through a fake Facebook anonymously just to see how she would react. That's what I was thinking is I would wait and see how I feel about it as time continues. Some days I feel like I will just die if I don't do something. My head starts getting dizzy and I just feel sick. I am 33 and I can't imagine living with this terrible pain for another 50 plus years. My only other idea was contacting a guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. It was actually his fb status that let me know he had passed. I don't know how good of friends they were recently though but I don't think he would judge me or tell anyone. But I don't know how much good it would do either. But I talked to him about personal things in high school of course that was years ago. I also have to worry about opening up a door for continued messages from him or my husband finding his reply etc. Certainly seems crazy to worry about it now that he isn't here anymore. I loved him so much he was everything I ever wanted and he wasn't never mind. So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had. As long as he was alive I felt there was more to come and there was a reason I met him even if I wouldn't know for years to come. I always thought at some point in this life we would be together. All that hope is gone and I feel like everything is just so hopeless. I do love my husband but he's had an off and on drug problem and has put me through pure hell at times. He was my silver lining and everything I could ever want. He recently sent me a fb friend request which I at first didn't accept because I didn't want my husband to ask who he was how I knew him or anything. But I couldn't resist accepting it. It felt so good to have that connection. To be able to see when he was active. I looked at it all day to see when he was on there. There were periods in those years we didn't see each other or talk much when we were trying to do the right thing, and I thought well no matter what happens I feel better now that we are connected on fb and I can see how his life is going and know he is here. Now he is gone just when he was opening up more than he has before and I was beyond excited to see him. I pick up my phone all day and want to look at his page even though I know nothing has changed. So I look at his family's instead. I am still struggling very much with acceptance he was just so alive. The last time I saw his face was in a FaceTime call. He said why haven't we done this before it might be the only way we get to see each other. We were having trouble getting schedules together to see each other. He was excited about his motorcycle and told me about it. He was just beaming. I said jokingly but serious too "please don't die on it" and he just laughed and said "what." That's how he died. That's the last time I ever "saw" him was on that call. 

 

I also experienced the loss of a dream. The hope of a relationship in the future. I still dream about it. 

I am 35 and one year ago I could not see myself reaching 36. But I'm here, somehow.

The guy you were friends with in high school sounds like the safest option if you were to approach anyone. I can only tell you from personal experience that when I contacted one of Crystal's friends, I was glad I did, mainly because it filled in some gaps about things I was desperate to know surrounding her final days. But I played it very cautious and didn't say more than I was a concerned penpal from overseas. The friend was very helpful and it relieved some of the desire I had to contact her family. But your situation might be different so may not have the same outcome. That's why it's good to give it some time and think more clearly down the line.

Don't punish yourself about the fact that he seemingly didn't tell anyone about you. I have accepted that Crystal did not tell anyone about me. At first I was confused and angry about it, but now I actually see it as something beautiful. What we had was special, unique, personal and private. An escape for both of us. We had each other and that's all we needed. She had her family and other life there. Noone else needed to know. I was hers and hers alone. Maybe the same for you? It sounds like you were in a complex situation, both of you. You didn't tell your husband, and he didn't tell his wife. You know how much he meant to you, why wouldn't it be the same from his point of view?

Do you have kids?

I know you don't feel like it now, but if friends are not a good option, speaking to a proper grief counselor might be an outlet just to have someone listen to everything you need to get out. You said you feel like you will just die if you don't do something. Well, something proactive to do, especially in your situation where you are keeping this from your husband, you need to find outlets for your grief, for the good of your mental and physical wellbeing. So a counselor might be one. Especially as your grief is so complicated. It's really hard to unpack all the elements and make sense of it all. Don't face this alone, please.

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Finch said:

 

I also experienced the loss of a dream. The hope of a relationship in the future. I still dream about it. 

I am 35 and one year ago I could not see myself reaching 36. But I'm here, somehow.

The guy you were friends with in high school sounds like the safest option if you were to approach anyone. I can only tell you from personal experience that when I contacted one of Crystal's friends, I was glad I did, mainly because it filled in some gaps about things I was desperate to know surrounding her final days. But I played it very cautious and didn't say more than I was a concerned penpal from overseas. The friend was very helpful and it relieved some of the desire I had to contact her family. But your situation might be different so may not have the same outcome. That's why it's good to give it some time and think more clearly down the line.

Don't punish yourself about the fact that he seemingly didn't tell anyone about you. I have accepted that Crystal did not tell anyone about me. At first I was confused and angry about it, but now I actually see it as something beautiful. What we had was special, unique, personal and private. An escape for both of us. We had each other and that's all we needed. She had her family and other life there. Noone else needed to know. I was hers and hers alone. Maybe the same for you? It sounds like you were in a complex situation, both of you. You didn't tell your husband, and he didn't tell his wife. You know how much he meant to you, why wouldn't it be the same from his point of view?

Do you have kids?

I know you don't feel like it now, but if friends are not a good option, speaking to a proper grief counselor might be an outlet just to have someone listen to everything you need to get out. You said you feel like you will just die if you don't do something. Well, something proactive to do, especially in your situation where you are keeping this from your husband, you need to find outlets for your grief, for the good of your mental and physical wellbeing. So a counselor might be one. Especially as your grief is so complicated. It's really hard to unpack all the elements and make sense of it all. Don't face this alone, please.

I do have two kids. He had two also. I get really torn up when I think about his kids. He loved them so much and would do anything for them. Now they have to grow up without him. I did see one counselor. I didn't feel uncomfortable with her I just didn't really think it helped very much. She may not have been the right one though I don't know. I do have the few friends that know but it's like they imposes a timeline on my grief. They think I should be better by now. People say "just take your mind off of it try not to think about it." As you well know I'm sure that is impossible to do. How do you take your mind off someone you have thought about every since you met 11 years ago. Would you say you are much better than you were a year ago? I hope one day I can smile at his memory rather than cry. I guess I have doubts about how he felt because we didn't really talk about it. It was just better not to talk about it in our situation. I feel like he felt the same as I do though. I've never felt anything like what Infelt between us both when we were even just sitting by each other. I feel like if I was his widow and I knew he was mine I would just cling to his memory as if I was still married for the rest of my life. For me I feel like he isn't mine to cling to. I try to tell myself this life is only temporary and I will see him again in heaven. But then I wonder will he even want to know me there? Was I important enough that he looks forward to me coming there or just his wife? It's silly thoughts to some, and I really cant put it into words, my fears and concerns. I wonder if we even can know each other there since I knew him through sin here. It hurts so much thinking I might be here for another 50 years with no answers. Right now I'm only looking forward to heaven and I know that is no way to live, but it's just how I feel. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I feel too guilty to be happy.

I read an article here when I was newer in my grief and it said we have to give ourselves permission to feel happiness.  Grief and guilt are not what hold us to them, our bond is through love and we can share our grief journey with occasional happiness.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had.

Yes, you have a complicated grief and with all grief comes other significant griefs, like loss of a dream.  
Finch, I suggested she come here and read your posts so she'd know there was one other person in the world that gets how she feels.  I know that not having your grief acknowledged is very hard.
Numb and Lost, the more people you tell, the greater the chance of it getting back to your husband.  If I recall he was borderline abusive, I could remember wrong, I think you said he'd been trying harder, but the relationship hasn't been good, hence the affair.  You were looking for what you didn't have with your husband.
You feel bad that no one knows, but honestly, what mattered in your relationship with this man was what the two of you shared, not what anyone else thinks about it.  You have a friend that you can talk to about it and I'm glad, it's good to have one safe place to go to.

[kayc]

Marty,

Thank you for posting that link.  I knew there was one, just couldn't remember where.  One of the reasons I directed her here is the other site she was on the moderators aren't grief counselors and they don't read all the posts and very seldom interact, let alone post articles, etc.  I felt she could benefit by being here, and especially since she wouldn't be alone in what she's going through.

[kayc]

33 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I do have the few friends that know but it's like they imposes a timeline on my grief. They think I should be better by now. People say "just take your mind off of it try not to think about it." As you well know I'm sure that is impossible to do. How do you take your mind off someone you have thought about every since you met 11 years ago.

That's the trouble with turning to friends who haven't been through it, they just can't get it, they don't understand.  There IS no timeline!

[kayc]

21 hours ago, kevin said:

Finch, your judgement appears clouded.........KAYc statement is solid.....this is what a good Counselor will recommend....

I think all of us have "clouded judgement" early in our grief, we call it the foggy brain.  I made the worst mistake of my life after losing George, I turned to the wrong person and married him.  He was a con who preyed on me and it turned out to be the most expensive lesson of my life!  I will literally be paying until I am 80 for that one!  I never would have married him had I not been heavily grieving and so vulnerable...and had I not had "foggy brain".  I try to warn people away from making similar mistakes whenever I can, even though it's embarrassing to bring it up, I figure if someone can learn from my mistake then maybe it can stand for something worthwhile after all.

[Numb and Lost]

14 minutes ago, kayc said:

That's the trouble with turning to friends who haven't been through it, they just can't get it, they don't understand.  There IS no timeline!

Right! They don't get it at all. Another thing too, I think they feel like my grief should be less as I was not his wife. That certainly doesn't mean I loved him any less, not just in a romantic way but just love in general. I loved him as a person and as a friend. I loved him for who he was. He had a good heart. My husband can be a nightmare when he is on drugs. He has been doing better but if he were to find out I'm sure he would get on drugs and there is no telling the outcome. Now when he is sober he is kind and a good man but even then there is no telling what he would do if he found out something like this. I have already told people I wished I wouldn't have. It's people that's I trust but still now it's something for me to worry about. What happens is I see someone I'm close to and they can tell something is wrong. As soon as they ask the waterworks turn on and then they get worried about me and basically don't let me go until I tell them. Hardly anyone knew before and I've been just so alone and emotional I've told a few people. One thing I have learned is you never know which people will be there for you until you go through hard times, and sometimes the ones that are there are a surprise to you. 

[Numb and Lost]

I wish I knew what was better for me. I don't know if I need to look at his pictures and try to think about his voice when I start to miss him, or if it's better for me to try not to think about him. Obviously his pictures and his memories just get me really upset. Sometimes I think I dwell on it because I'm scared to death to let go, and I'm scared of forgetting how happy he made me and how he made me feel. Why does death hurt so much? Why can't we just understand they go on we just can't see them right now. The sting is when I think of his beautiful smile and it hits me that it doesn't exist anymore, that his entire self is ashes now. No matter how much I tell myself he does exist in heaven and he is happy now.  I look at that screenshot of a text between us and he is still so real to me, and my love for him is real. I was always scared he would break my heart but I could have never imagined it would be like this. It had been a long time since I had seen him and I just wanted to hug him. I wish I could have at least had that. Every single day just brings more and more tears. 

[kayc]

26 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

Why does death hurt so much?

Because it leaves this friggin' hole in our heart.

[Margm]

I am rewriting.  Wish I had not gotten into this because of the mistakes I made, my admission of guilt, and finally the forgiveness.  Because of the relationship between my husband and me, I wrote a lot more.  Probably part of the reason when I write grief, I substitute guilt for that word.  I did hurt my family, I hurt Billy, and I hurt myself most of all.  Strange thing was, where there was no trust before (because of his mom's affairs), he saw the damage my guilt did to me.  Ironically, after telling, after the forgiving, he knew it would never happen again and he trusted me for the first time and until he passed away he knew I was trustworthy. But, it could have been so different.  I could have kept it all inside me and let it eat away and I could have gone first.  Then, some unkind person could have told him about my secret life.  All those years would have been a lie.  Possibly his grief would have turned into anger.  That would have hurt him even more. I'm glad the truth came out, I am glad he finally trusted me.  We had many years to heal.   

I wish I had not gotten involved in this.  Every relationship is different. You just do not want to hurt the innocent.   In this case, the innocent are the ones that are left behind.

[Numb and Lost]

Thank you for sharing your story Marg. I would never dream of telling his wife at all. The only family of his I wanted to tell is his sister. Just by what he has said and my own surveilance of her Facebook I think she is someone that wouldnt mind, and would keep it just to herself. I don't think she is super close to his wife. But again I don't know anything for sure so I haven't done that. I'm sure some of his friends might have known just like a few of mine did, but I have know way of knowing who. I pray all the time maybe one of them did and that person might reach out to me and give me some sort of resolve I'm yearning for. 

[Margm]

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky.  Even brothers, sisters and friends.  It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory.  You have your own family to protect too.  It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up.  I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love.  And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered.  They cannot defend themselves.  

[Numb and Lost]

32 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky.  Even brothers, sisters and friends.  It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory.  You have your own family to protect too.  It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up.  I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love.  And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered.  They cannot defend themselves.  

I come from a very strict upright Baptist family. I would have never imagined in a million years that I would tell my parents about any of this, but when it happened I was desperate and I needed help with the kids for a day or so. I still can't believe I told them. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

6 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I wish I knew what was better for me. I don't know if I need to look at his pictures and try to think about his voice when I start to miss him, or if it's better for me to try not to think about him. Obviously his pictures and his memories just get me really upset. Sometimes I think I dwell on it because I'm scared to death to let go, and I'm scared of forgetting how happy he made me and how he made me feel. Why does death hurt so much? Why can't we just understand they go on we just can't see them right now. The sting is when I think of his beautiful smile and it hits me that it doesn't exist anymore, that his entire self is ashes now. No matter how much I tell myself he does exist in heaven and he is happy now.  I look at that screenshot of a text between us and he is still so real to me, and my love for him is real. I was always scared he would break my heart but I could have never imagined it would be like this. It had been a long time since I had seen him and I just wanted to hug him. I wish I could have at least had that. Every single day just brings more and more tears. 

I am sorry for your loss and wish that you had all your questions answered.  I wish that for everyone who has lost someone they love.  

The complications of a secret relationship make it difficult to grieve openly and freely as you try to protect either yourself and your family, or his family.  I don't know how I would feel in your situation or in his sister's situation but as a wife I know I would be so hurt to know my husband betrayed what was sacred to me.  I would also be fearful of how my children would react to finding out that their Dad wasn't really the perfect man they thought he was.  I think the risk of confiding in his sister may be more destructive than you imagine.

This is not to say that you don't have a reason or right to grieve his loss.  You certainly do have that right, and you have the right to get help.  A qualified grief therapist would be able to help you work through some of your grief and would be a safe place for you.  I don't believe for one minute that your grief is any less than mine is.  The pain is indescribable I know and the questions and the wondering about the future eat at you relentlessly.  That's why you need to get professional help.  You need it for your family too.  They may understand some of your grief but they won't understand the depth of it.

All of the if onlys and woulda, coulda, shouldas in the world won't change your situation; I am sorry this has happened to you.  This forum is filled with great people who are not here to judge anyone.  We all just want to learn how to live with our grief and try to help others who are grieving also.  It is safer to talk here than to tell any friends.  The people who don't understand that you are grieving don't need to know the details of the relationship you had and if they are thinking you should be over it then they aren't really a true friend to you.  I wish you the best.

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I am sorry for your loss and wish that you had all your questions answered.  I wish that for everyone who has lost someone they love.  

The complications of a secret relationship make it difficult to grieve openly and freely as you try to protect either yourself and your family, or his family.  I don't know how I would feel in your situation or in his sister's situation but as a wife I know I would be so hurt to know my husband betrayed what was sacred to me.  I would also be fearful of how my children would react to finding out that their Dad wasn't really the perfect man they thought he was.  I think the risk of confiding in his sister may be more destructive than you imagine.

This is not to say that you don't have a reason or right to grieve his loss.  You certainly do have that right, and you have the right to get help.  A qualified grief therapist would be able to help you work through some of your grief and would be a safe place for you.  I don't believe for one minute that your grief is any less than mine is.  The pain is indescribable I know and the questions and the wondering about the future eat at you relentlessly.  That's why you need to get professional help.  You need it for your family too.  They may understand some of your grief but they won't understand the depth of it.

All of the if onlys and woulda, coulda, shouldas in the world won't change your situation; I am sorry this has happened to you.  This forum is filled with great people who are not here to judge anyone.  We all just want to learn how to live with our grief and try to help others who are grieving also.  It is safer to talk here than to tell any friends.  The people who don't understand that you are grieving don't need to know the details of the relationship you had and if they are thinking you should be over it then they aren't really a true friend to you.  I wish you the best.

I certainly wish I hadn't told some of the friends that I did tell. I think when someone first knows about it they are open to listening. After they have known for maybe two weeks they think I should be ok and they are tired of listening. So I think what happens is when I find someone that is even interested in listening or seems to care if even just for a moment I start crying and end up talking. It really is a dangerous thing for me to do to put my family at risk like that. I just get desperate. I don't think I've told anyone that would betray my trust but obviously the more people that know the greater the risk. I guess I just like to talk about him because it keeps him alive to me. 

[kayc]

Apples of Gold (book) has a saying, "A word spoken cannot easily be retrieved."  I think it's in the Bible too. It's true, once you tell someone it can never be taken back.

[Finch]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky.  Even brothers, sisters and friends.  It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory.  You have your own family to protect too.  It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up.  I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love.  And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered.  They cannot defend themselves.  

Every situation is different.

I was lucky enough to find just the right person to contact. I do not for one second regret contacting Crystal's friend. I did so very diplomatically, even at a time of desperation and panic, and the friend was very receptive.

Without doing so I would not have gotten that final message to her the night before she died, or know about her final days. Or know that her ashes are planted with a tree by a lake. Or know her kids are doing ok. Crystal was the woman I loved for 12 years, not just a friend. I had and have every right to know the things I wanted to know and I refuse to punish myself for wanting to know them and for wanting to lessen my suffering. She wouldn't want that for me. She obviously wouldn't want it for her kids or parents too, and I recognise that.

She told me on many occasions that I should contact her dad should we lose touch. She said it to me again, on the phone just 1 week before she died. She gave me his address, his phone number, his email. Years ago I gave her those of my own sister in case something happened to me. It was a pact we had, one to the grave and one we took very seriously. We didn't lay out exactly all the details, but neither of us were to be left in the lurch, forever wondering what happened to the other. If anything I would be betraying her by not carrying it out. 

So I don't regret contacting the father either. Again, I did so extremely sensitively and diplomatically, at a time of great inner struggle, panic, guilt and desperation. In fact I award myself a (GOLD) medal for doing it in such a way that juggled all these factors. And he said to me it brought him great joy to know we had a strong friendship, and he thanked me for being her friend. That meant so much to me. To hear that from her father. I did not tell him any details beyond anything platonic when it became clear he did not know about us. I just wouldn't do that. It helped to give it some time so my judgement was less cloudy and I thank those on this forum for advising caution. They have their own memories of her that I do not wish to interfere with. But I don't regret contacting them, personally. Which is why I recommend to Numb, that she doesn't do anything rash, talks it out with someone she can trust, (I am lucky in that everyone in my own life I have told has been incredibly understanding and supportive) and lets some time pass to see if the urge to reach out is still so strong, if it has little risk and is a way to give her even a tiny amount of comfort. 

My grief counselor has supported me in these actions, encouraging me to do what feels right, as he knows that I will always do so while considering these peoples' feelings.

21 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm sure some of his friends might have known just like a few of mine did, but I have know way of knowing who. I pray all the time maybe one of them did and that person might reach out to me and give me some sort of resolve I'm yearning for. 

It was a hard pill to swallow to realise that noone knew about me, but as I said earlier, I see this now as a reflection of how special it was. I hope one day too you might see it like that if that turns out to be the case for you.

 

[Margm]

Finch, you did what helped you.  I actually see you feel good about it.  If you feel good about it, you have no problem.  You did what you had to do for you.  That is all we, any  of us can do, your relationship involved a whole family...........and then just you.  II did not read all that you wrote.  If you feel good about it, then you did what you had to do to help yourself.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm so pleased it worked out so well for you Finch.  We all have to walk in our own shoes and I believe that your steps were well thought out and your path was planned to do no harm.

I realise that not everyone or every contact situation will work out as well as yours has. I must really credit you for being so vigilant in checking into all aspects of your plan. While you were able to find some comfort for yourself you did not compromise Crystal's reputation and were able to tell her father that Crystal was a good friend to others including you.

I believe you are a gentleman Finch.