Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[Finch]

12 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Dear Finch.....given your situation, I think that nothing, ever, will be "enough" for you.......no replacement for actually having shared a physical life with Crystal.  It might become an obsession that will prevent you from continuing to live your life as best you can.  I imagine that with her gone, and all of your dreams and hopes for a life with her shattered.....that you are frantic to gather all of the "pieces" of her that you can, hungry for every detail, knowing that there will be no more chances at fresh memories of her.  I believe that, of course, Crystal does indeed, know of your message to her, and so much more you'd have wished to convey.......she "knows" all of this, now....and I cannot help but feel that she'd not wish for you to torment yourself over such things.....she knew you were with her in your heart and mind, and she felt your love for her, always, even at the end of her physical life here.  No answer you could get from her friend who relayed your message would ease your feelings, totally......if there had been a significant response, she would've said as much?  No such response to your message would not be negating her love for you....she may have been unable at that time, too close to the end.....but rest assured, she surely felt your emotions, and carried your love with her on her final journey on this earth. I hope that you can find that enough...and not torment yourself over not being there!  

Thanks. What you say about nothing ever being enough is true. Nothing can fill in for the stolen future and possibilities. And all the fragments left over.. I do have an insatiable hunger to gather them all. It's become an obsession because it's all I have left.

I'm sure the friend would have said if there had been a significant acknowledgement to my message. But as much as I reason it in my head, I'd like to know for sure, evenm if there was a slight one. It's just not right that she was in bed for several days and I was unable to be there are get a message through right until the night before she died. It would just comfort me to know if she acknowledged it in any way. In case she was wondering where I was and wasn't able to vocalise it. Chances are, she didn't understand. It's possible that me finding out there was definitely no acknowledgement might make me feel worse. But I'm not sure I can let this rest. I know none of these negates our love for each other.

And I don't want to upset the friend. Just like I didn't want to upset her father when I contacted him. I don't want to upset these people. But it's just not right that I have to move around in the shadows like this, scavenging for tiny bits of information. Making the grieving even harder.

It took me 8 months just to find out the woman I loved was cremated. 

My grief counselor likened my situation to when someone married dies who was in a secret extra-marital affair. The person they had the affair with is outside everything and has to grieve apart from them, and is shut out from everything, the funeral, the going through things etc.

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

It seems you are bothered by not having been with her when she died or feeling powerless, unable to have changed things for her.  If so, these might help, as they have so many of us.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[Finch]

Thanks very much Kay, I will check out those links. I know you went through something similar with regards to no goodbye.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Finch said:

My grief counselor likened my situation to when someone married dies who was in a secret extra-marital affair. The person they had the affair with is outside everything and has to grieve apart from them, and is shut out from everything, the funeral, the going through things etc.

What you are experiencing is known as disenfranchised grief, Finch. You might find this article helpful as well: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

See also the additional articles listed at the base of this one: Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

[Widowedbysuicide]

Many of my thoughts are with you Finch.  I feel heartbroken for so many on here.  We all struggle to keep going.  May you find some ease from grieving today.

Marita

[Finch]

Thank you Marita.

[SoLost]

Hello I'm new to this site but my pain is raw and real. Finch I am too grieving a friend that was more then a friend. We loved each other but had our own families. I too find myself stalking his families pages to see what's going on. He had a double lung transplant 3 years ago and I met him over 2 years ago. We actually did get to meet and we had lunches together and we talked about life and what we wanted. We agreed to be together but then I decided to cool things down because it didn't seem like we would ever be together. We agreed to be friends and talk which we did he would tell me how much he missed me and I the same he would beg me to meet up for lunch but I always declined because I wanted a life with him and it hurt that I couldn't have that. Well September 9th he messaged me and I went back to sleep never answering his message. Then I found out he went into the ICU on the 12th with acute rejection. As if that wasn't enough I ended up taking my son to the ER the same hospital he was in days before he passed?!! I had NO clue I could have said goodbye. I missed my chance. I pray that he comes and visits me in my sleep just to let me know he's ok. I've had that happen with other frirnds so I know it can. But no luck yet. I missed his funeral but found out today where he is buried. 

I hate this I hate this feeling and I'm on prozac. NOT HELPING!! It dose suck being the best friend but not allowed to be there. I feel you pain I do.  

[Brad]

SoLost -

So sorry you have need to join us.  You have so much to deal with but know that you are among people that understand your pain.  I hope you have found a good grievance counselor.  Since you are on Prozac I'm guessing you are seeing a therapist; maybe they can recommend a good greivance counselor.  I would assume that there are few you can turn to when you need to vent. We are here for you.  Please visit often.

[kayc]

SoLost,

Welcome here...I am sorry for your loss and for the pain you are in.  I know the situations differ, but I hope you can glean something out of these links.  I think the information is good, I just wish they'd used a better example...
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html

[Margm]

I know this helps no one.  Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey were together for years and years.  He could not leave his wife, but he had left her.  Because of religion they could not be together.  She could not attend his funeral, it was his family only.  She had him while he was alive, they had him in death.

My uncle lived with another woman and her family because my aunt was such a terrible wife.  He did not divorce her but lived for years with the other family.  At the funeral, my aunt put that family along with her's and my uncle's family in the obituary and had them sit with the family members.  I thought that was very nice of her to do that.  Not many people would have.  

My brother-in-law lived with this woman for over 25 years.  When he was in the ICU she wanted to pull the plug on him.  My husband came in as  his next of kin.  The doctor had told her "we have to give him a chance to live." Billy took over his care.  Well, he went to a nursing home for awhile.  His live in partner passed away.  We brought him to live with us but he wanted to live alone.  We put him up in a nice senior place and I had told him he would find someone else.  He had women fighting over him.  One little woman though won him over.  They got married.  He had advanced  Parkinson's disease, she had advancing dementia or Alzheimer's.  They had two happy years together.  He told us they were the happiest of his life.  He passed away and his little wife had already advanced dementia.  He always made lemonade from lemons.  He was someone I admired.  

I am rambling.  It is past my witching hour of midnight.  Going to bed.

[kayc]

Wow!  Had she pulled the plug when she wanted to, he wouldn't have gotten to experience the best years of his life!  You and Billy were very kind people.

[Margm]

I think of my brother-in-law often.  He was in rehab in the nursing home.  He had been in the ICU for so long he had what they called ICU syndrome.  He had such a personality that he "owned" the nursing home also.  Valentine's day he was elected King of their Valentine party.  My daughter bought him a sports coat for it.  He was about 11 years older than Billy.  We have pictures of him and the little white haired woman that was queen.  She was dressed totally in red.  When he went to where the seniors lived we moved his things down to the end room of what they called "The Aristocrat" in downtown Hot Springs. His window looked out to where all the lights at Christmas and all the festivals were held. The walls in the front were made of rock with the quartz crystals mixed in.  I did not want him living here.  I wanted to keep him with us.  He had just reached 70 and he was looking for companionship though.  He had outlived two companions and Billy used to take him to get groceries.  The women who lived in their little apartments all vied for his attention.  He never lacked for women paying attention to him.  He had that kind of personality.  After he married again, we would see him and her shopping at Walmart often.  They would come out to see us.  Just those two years together watching them were wonderful.  After he passed away, she went to live with her daughter in Kansas.  I had 54 years with Billy, but he made those two years he had with his new wife look like he had found paradise.  Some people can do this.  

[Finch]

On 10/4/2016 at 0:48 AM, SoLost said:

Hello I'm new to this site but my pain is raw and real. Finch I am too grieving a friend that was more then a friend. We loved each other but had our own families. I too find myself stalking his families pages to see what's going on. He had a double lung transplant 3 years ago and I met him over 2 years ago. We actually did get to meet and we had lunches together and we talked about life and what we wanted. We agreed to be together but then I decided to cool things down because it didn't seem like we would ever be together. We agreed to be friends and talk which we did he would tell me how much he missed me and I the same he would beg me to meet up for lunch but I always declined because I wanted a life with him and it hurt that I couldn't have that. Well September 9th he messaged me and I went back to sleep never answering his message. Then I found out he went into the ICU on the 12th with acute rejection. As if that wasn't enough I ended up taking my son to the ER the same hospital he was in days before he passed?!! I had NO clue I could have said goodbye. I missed my chance. I pray that he comes and visits me in my sleep just to let me know he's ok. I've had that happen with other frirnds so I know it can. But no luck yet. I missed his funeral but found out today where he is buried. 

I hate this I hate this feeling and I'm on prozac. NOT HELPING!! It dose suck being the best friend but not allowed to be there. I feel you pain I do.  

Hi SoLost.

 

Thank you for posting here and relating to my story. I can certainly relate to alot of the aspects of this friendship you had, about how it was so much more than a friendship. I can completely understand what it is like to love someone with everything you have, but who has their own family and life and practical things standing in the way. I also understand what it is like to want so badly to be with someone but not be able to. Our reasons for that may be quite different, but I'm sure alot of the feelings and emotions are the same. I'm glad that you both had the amazing opportunity to meet and look into each others eyes, and talk about life together. What I would not give for one chance to meet Crystal in person. 

I do not blame you for checking his family's Facebook pages, it's only natural that you want to have some connection to his life still. It's become somewhat of a ritual for me.

When he messaged you on the night of the 12th, you could not have known that he would end up in the ICU, or that you were in the same hospital. I would assume some of his family were able to be around him at that time? If you are worried he was alone or something.

I'm glad you found out where he is buried. It was a small relief to discover where Crystal is laid to rest, even though I cannot ever visit her. Are you going to visit the grave?

I hope your pain eases. And if you want to share more thoughts and feelings given our situations have similarities, I am here to listen, even if I may not have amazing advice to offer.

[WolfsKat]

7 hours ago, Finch said:

, I am here to listen, even if I may not have amazing advice to offer.

Dear Finch.......I do not think ANY of us think we have "amazing advice" (well, Marty may be the exception, of course!)........believe me, just "listening"......sharing your thoughts & feelings......giving sincere sympathy and understanding........letting others vent their true feelings, and empathizing.....THIS is what is amazing, and so appreciated!

[Cookie]

On ‎10‎/‎03‎/‎2016 at 7:48 PM, SoLost said:

Hello I'm new to this site but my pain is raw and real. Finch I am too grieving a friend that was more then a friend. We loved each other but had our own families. I too find myself stalking his families pages to see what's going on. He had a double lung transplant 3 years ago and I met him over 2 years ago. We actually did get to meet and we had lunches together and we talked about life and what we wanted. We agreed to be together but then I decided to cool things down because it didn't seem like we would ever be together. We agreed to be friends and talk which we did he would tell me how much he missed me and I the same he would beg me to meet up for lunch but I always declined because I wanted a life with him and it hurt that I couldn't have that. Well September 9th he messaged me and I went back to sleep never answering his message. Then I found out he went into the ICU on the 12th with acute rejection. As if that wasn't enough I ended up taking my son to the ER the same hospital he was in days before he passed?!! I had NO clue I could have said goodbye. I missed my chance. I pray that he comes and visits me in my sleep just to let me know he's ok. I've had that happen with other frirnds so I know it can. But no luck yet. I missed his funeral but found out today where he is buried. 

I hate this I hate this feeling and I'm on prozac. NOT HELPING!! It dose suck being the best friend but not allowed to be there. I feel you pain I do.  

SoLost:  Love is love and grief is the result when you lose that love no matter what the circumstances.  I feel for you and send you a hug, Cookie

[Finch]

On 10/23/2016 at 0:25 AM, WolfsKat said:

Dear Finch.......I do not think ANY of us think we have "amazing advice" (well, Marty may be the exception, of course!)........believe me, just "listening"......sharing your thoughts & feelings......giving sincere sympathy and understanding........letting others vent their true feelings, and empathizing.....THIS is what is amazing, and so appreciated!

Thanks WolfsKat.

This place has been a salvation to me in that respect. Having somewhere I can go to where people can relate and understand what I am going through. And relating to what others are going through.

I just wish there was a magic button I could press for all of us.

 

 

[Finch]

I don't know how to get through the next couple of months. The 1 year anniversary of losing her is coming up in early January, and that's following Christmas. I'm absolutely terrified.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It's my first Christmas as well.  My plan is no plan.  I was getting really anxious when I thought about how to celebrate without him.  So for my son and I we are going to do what feels right as the moments come.  There is no stress in this for me and I am relieved that I can just go with the flow.

I hope you will find some peace this year of firsts Finch.  I wish there was that magic wand option to change things...  I will think of you this season and pray for comfort for you.

As a child my husband's family had Christmas dinner with my family.  50 Christmases.  And New Years Eve was special as he proposed 37 years ago.  January 5th will be the 1st anniversary of his suicide.  They say not to base your memory of your loved one on how they died.  I chose to remember that he did chose to go.  I can not be angry that he felt he needed to die, I am sorry beyond belief.  My Gord was a quiet man who was a gentleman in every sense of the word.  I will love him forever.

[kayc]

Elsewhere on this site are tips for the holidays. I'm on my malfunctioning kindle or I'd link it for you. Tools section I think.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Edited November 25, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted ♥

[Finch]

On 11/24/2016 at 4:42 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

It's my first Christmas as well.  My plan is no plan.  I was getting really anxious when I thought about how to celebrate without him.  So for my son and I we are going to do what feels right as the moments come.  There is no stress in this for me and I am relieved that I can just go with the flow.

I hope you will find some peace this year of firsts Finch.  I wish there was that magic wand option to change things...  I will think of you this season and pray for comfort for you.

As a child my husband's family had Christmas dinner with my family.  50 Christmases.  And New Years Eve was special as he proposed 37 years ago.  January 5th will be the 1st anniversary of his suicide.  They say not to base your memory of your loved one on how they died.  I chose to remember that he did chose to go.  I can not be angry that he felt he needed to die, I am sorry beyond belief.  My Gord was a quiet man who was a gentleman in every sense of the word.  I will love him forever.

50 Christmases with your two families. Wow. That's truly amazing. Half a century. And the New Years Eve proposal. Gord sounds like a romantic fellow. And your love for him feels immense.

No plan seems like a good plan for you and your son, doing what feels right and taking care of yourselves. 

Deep down I dreamed I'd one day spend Christmas with Crystal for real.

It was a dream and it may never have happened. I sometimes hate myself in the strongest way for not being brave enough. It makes me sick to think that I might not have done it even 10 years from now, knowing what I know and feeling what I feel now. I hate myself. I've rationalised this all in counselling. That I was who I was and I can't change that. And that maybe what we had was special and unique because of the nature of it, and just what we both needed. And that the way we celebrated this time of year was special because it was between us. And what she did with the rest of her family was separate. I'm just writing my stream of consciousness now and trying to reassure myself. I was reading back through some old messages between us from a few years ago, and she was talking about how I made her feel loved and special. She made me feel that way as well. 

I should try and treasure how special this time of year was for us. A decade of shared Christmas and Hannukah traditions. I'm struggling to be restrained and not contact her dad again. Part of me wants to know what happened to my Christmas gifts from last year. The ones she never opened. I think it's because it feels like a way to be close to her again.

I'm rambling now.

I hope you also find peace as well over the next months, with all the firsts.

 Thank you.

 

On 11/25/2016 at 2:31 PM, kayc said:

Elsewhere on this site are tips for the holidays. I'm on my malfunctioning kindle or I'd link it for you. Tools section I think.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Thanks Kay and Marty. I will take a look.
 

 

[kayc]

Thanks, Marty!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you my true friends.

[Finch]

Thoughts going through my head recently.

 

1) My last phonecall with her was in a stairwell at my place of work. Every time I walk up or down that stairwell, I feel awful, remembering it. Because when I last spoke to her I had no idea it would be the last time. I find myself touching the walls there to try and feel close to her.

2) I keep thinking of all the things we shared about her kids and wondering whether their dad and rest of the family are aware of everything that I am. I have the urge to tell them these things. For instance a brand of potato chip I used to send her that the kids would try and really like. Or what video games they liked playing. They are now 11 and 7 years old so it's not as if they can't communicate these things themselves and I'm sure there is plenty about them that I don't know, but I feel like I would be able to unlock more of Crystal to them. I feel like they might appreciate it. Especially her parents. 

3) I saw one of my therapists yesterday and I went through the timeline of Crystal's last week with her in great detail, which she had encouraged, as I had not fully opened up to her much. I read out to her the texts I exchanged with the friend I was in contact with during that time, who was relaying to me how Crystal was each day, and it brought it all back. It was so difficult. It reminded me how helpless and frustrated I felt, and how I was trying to balance wanting to say so much with worrying about having to be extremely careful not to reveal too much about my relationship with her. And the horror of not just not being with her when she died, but not being with her in that entire last week. A week of scant information, panic, fear, helplessness.

 

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I can understand your torment.  I re-run Gord's last days too.  I did it constantly at first and I was looking for the key that would explain why.  It is true torture.  Nothing has made me feel better or solved the why.

I wish you some peace Finch.  This journey is certainly not easy.  I think we need to take every opportunity to find comfort, peace and joy.  Nothing will ever be the same but we can find some joy in our great memories.

Thinking of you always.

[kayc]

I wish to express Marita's sentiments also.  It seems most of us replay the ending over and over again.  It usually doesn't bring us peace to do so.  However, as we progress through our grief journey, hopefully we'll address some of the issues involved in these thoughts.  We have to come to terms with our role in their lives and accept that we are not responsible for their death, regardless of our feelings, and that we made the best choices we could with the knowledge we were given at the time.  Hindsight does alter decision making, but that's not a privilege we're afforded.