If You're Going Through Hell

[mittam99]

19 hours ago, TerriL said:

We have good days and we have gas days.

Terri, there is more than a modicum of truth in what you "mistakenly" wrote. Although we don't have many of them anymore, the days that we can consider "good ones" (a relative term, for sure) need to be cherished.

On the other hand, a lot of our gas days can be traced to visits here:

[TerriL]

Mitch, I have not been to a Taco Bell in ages!!! Now I'm hungry for some.  Wait...is that Marg's number in the window? lol Sorry, SW, I couldn't resist!

[Margm]

Well WW, it might have been for a good time a bunch of years ago, but after the sobering dinner I had with all those women I graduated with, my "good times" are for sure a long time ago.  And, I think all my friends "good times" are gone too.  One wrote me on email today and told me that they were so unhappy.  I would not have understood this time last year, I understand this year.  Most all of them are widows.  In fact, one of them is married to the husband (still alive) of one of the widows.  Now, if you can follow that logic.  They all get along just fine though.  

[Gwenivere]

The Taco Bell pic is great.  The placement of the do not enter sign is pretty funny.

[TerriL]

SW, that's so sad about the email you received from that one friend. I am having a bit of trouble following the other situation---I'll assume the widow was divorced from the husband the other woman had been married to? That divorced woman remarried and THAT is the husband she lost? Making her a widow? Am I getting it right? Are even the remarried women unhappy? I think when you've been married to the love of your life, it would be difficult to find another person who comes anywhere near to what they were to you. (The older you are, the slimmer the prospects, too, perhaps.) In many cases, like mine and yours, too, Marg, our relationships evolved and grew even more solid as the years progressed. Decades. I don't know that I'd even want to put that kind of time and effort into another relationship at this point. I've read some blogs about a few older women' lives and some are widows who have found love a second time around. They're in the 70s or whatever, have decent enough health and they're busy traveling with their new partners and very happy. I wish them every happiness and all the luck in the world, because lord knows, there's enough suffering and strife already. We need to look for happiness wherever we can find it and it doesn't necessarily have to be in another relationship. I love to look at videos of baby animals doing their cute baby animal thing. That always gives me a smile and reminds me of the other things in life that are worth my time and energy. 

Speaking of trying to help animals, did I tell all of you that instead of selling Paul's car, I was going to donate it to the wild animal rescue Paul and I have supported for years? I was going to forego making money off it (which I could certainly use, but would not bring me the same solace as helping the animals) in exchange for doing something to honor Paul. Their web site says they take any vehicles, running or not, etc. But, when I called them, they basically turned me down (because they don't feel they'd get enough money for it at auction---that's what I was told) and sent me an email link to eBay's charity section, where I can sell it myself and a portion of the proceeds goes to my charity. That would mean I would still have to handle all the details of selling it and possibly having people turn up here wanting to "test drive" it, compromising my safety. Paul and I have donated lots of money since the 1980s to this organization and have used their services many times by bringing in injured wildlife. When he passed away, instead of flowers or services, all I asked was that people make some sort of contribution to the wildlife rescue we both supported. So, I have to admit my surprise and disappointment (and maybe some anger thrown in, as well) at their turning down the vehicle. Now, I'm in the process of researching other charities who accept vehicle donations, but a large portion has to go to the charity itself. To see how little of the money actually goes to some of these causes and instead, supports the CEO and all the others down the chain, is mind blowing. It's given me a whole new outlook on donating. If any of you donate to causes on a regular basis, you should definitely look them up on "Charity Navigator", which is a site that grades charities by how much money is routed into the programs they supply to the community as opposed to the people running the organization. 

 

[HisWife]

Patty65 - I had a similar experience to yours that you mentioned in your July 26 post regarding someone asking for your husband.  Al has been gone now 30 months and a few weeks ago I received a phone call from the alumni association of his university.  The student was very polite and asked to speak to my husband.  I replied, "I'm sorry, he's deceased." The student then replied, "Oh, ok. Would there be a better time to reach him?"  I about lost it.  I said, "No, because he is DEAD!"  The student, who seemed to speak with an accent, was totally beside himself and apologized profusely and said he didn't know what the word "deceased" meant. A few days later, I did receive a note from the alumni president apologizing and said they would remove my husband's name from their call list.  Very nice but still a total ambush that just blind-sided me.  No matter how far along I am in this grief journey, I've found there are going to be set backs - some minor and some major. This was definitely a major one for me.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

supports the CEO and all the others down the chain,

When I found out how much money goes to the CEO's of these companies I had to quit giving.  Makes no sense whatsoever.  The CEO of the Catholic Hospital I worked for one year got his million dollar bonus but the workers got nothing.  This same CEO at this "not for profit" hospital that told us in meeting that if a patient had even one acre of land somewhere, they would get their money.  

Actually two were high school sweethearts.  Married, had three kids and then he went to one of our other classmates.  Both women are my very good friends, one a cousin naturally, and he still lives.  My cousin remarried a man who had lost his wife a few years before to cancer.  They had at least a 30 year marriage and he passed away.  Like I say, both women are my friends and either get along or at least seem to.  Afterall, they share step children and now even great grandchildren.  We all have lived a bunch of years and if they still have their husbands and wives, I am sure fear the inevitable, but maybe like me and Billy, figure it will never happen to them.  Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  I always enjoyed it.  

[kayc]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

So, I have to admit my surprise and disappointment (and maybe some anger thrown in, as well) at their turning down the vehicle.

I don't blame you!  I'm surprised it was "too much trouble" for them to deal with it in an effort to get free money!  I guess people just want cold hard cash nowadays!

The link was helpful...don't just compare overall scores, however, take a look at where their money goes.  For instance, ASPCA spends little on administrative but does spend on fundraising, when is pretty much necessary when that is your sole income.  I like the work they do and it's all over rather than a small locale like some of them.

[kayc]

His Wife,

I'm so sorry you had that experience.  I think most of us have had similar experiences.  It's pretty rough, especially when it usually comes out of nowhere and just hits you, like there's no way to prepare for that.

[TerriL]

HisWife,

When my husband died last October, for the first several months, I kept everything as it was. I paid for two cell phones and kept his name on everything. After several months, I was feeling worse grief-wise (the shock was wearing off) but I mustered up every bit of courage I could to call and have the accounts switched into just my name alone. I called the electric company and explained that I needed to change the name on the account to mine since my husband had recently passed. She suddenly pipes up and says to me, "I'm sorry but I need to speak to the person whose name is on the account!" The pain I was feeling, coupled with the snide tone of her voice (and the realization that she obviously had not listened to what I told her), just sent me over the edge and I yelled at her, "Well, good luck with THAT one, honey, because he's DEAD!!! Now are you going to HELP me or NOT?" Her attitude instantly changed and she became flustered and apologetic and said she'd have to put me on hold for a second so she could find out what to do. I did manage to get that changed, but I burst into tears when I hung up. Just a week after Paul passed, I received a call on his cell phone from the eye hospital he had gone the day he had his second, major stroke. They were calling to confirm his appointment with a doctor so and so---someone he hadn't gone to and I didn't know. At first I thought it was either a scam or even a sick joke, but I told her that Paul wouldn't be going. The receptionist said to me, "Well, I need to hear that from HIM!" Again, I told her to go for it, because he was dead and if she talked to him, tell him his wife misses him. She began stuttering, stammering and apologized. Wow, even the hospital that called and told me my husband's MRIs showed he had multiple strokes didn't know what it was doing. And this is supposedly a first class, "world-renowned" eye institute. 

Yes, these situations never fail to amaze me. 

[TerriL]

Marg, I think many of us had that "it only happens to other people, not us" mentality. When paul was alive and we would receive emails about other guys he had worked with on the fire department passing, I'd feel so bad for their wives and family. I'd always send a card or donation to their charity of choice (no, I wouldn't look it up! lol If they supported it, that's all that really mattered and my opinion had nothing to do with it.). I know that I felt so grateful and blessed to still have my husband, but I always had that buffer of "these things are what other people go through". I knew a day would come as we got much older where something could happen, but I felt sure that it was still YEARS away. And then, just like that, Paul was gone. One week, he was working in the garden and we were driving around town running errands together and the next week, I'm having to give my approval for him to be removed from life support and I'm sitting in a funeral home, making arrangements for him. Just like those other surviving spouses I had read about in the emails. To be totally honest, I still have moments where I stop and wonder if I'm hallucinating all of this. I can't believe it's all over, his life and my life with him, just like that. 

[TerriL]

Kay,

The ASPCA is a charity I admire, as well. I looked up my wildlife rescue and I have to say, a good portion of the money accrued does go for the programs at the center. Their Executive Director, of whom I am a long time fan, as she has been so instrumental in initiating animal cruelty laws and police units in our locality, in addition to working to expand these laws nationally, has a relatively small yearly salary, compared to many CEOs in some of these charities. She's pulling in about $100,000 a year, which might be a lot to ME, but isn't a lot in terms of what Exec. Directors would normally be making. I'm almost tempted to call HER and tell her what happened when I tried to donate my late husband's vehicle. I wonder if she would be okay with the way the financial department is handling it. I was actually told that the reason they weren't keen on taking my husband's classic car (it's rusty and not restored, but it has a good engine that runs and a good battery) is because they had high hopes for an old Corvette that was donated and it didn't bring in the amount they were hoping for. I know that this car is worth at least $1500.00. So, if I wrote a check for that amount and tried to give it to them, they'd turn me down? I suppose, after expenses, there wouldn't be enough left for them? I have no clue, but they need to change what they have written on their web site, about taking ALL vehicles, running or not. They DON'T. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

I can't believe it's all over, his life and my life with him, just like that. 

Bigger than life for 54 years, then poof it is gone.  I see him everywhere.  I do not miss that big empty nothingness of a house.  The quiet was louder than all my neighbors combined.  I will probably move again.  Not any time soon.  Later, when my  mom is gone, I have to have an apartment with a washer and dryer.  Like my own clothes being washed before and after.  Like the wrinkles smoothed out.  I threw away/gave away ironing board and iron.  Just the little nettles of life as it is now.  I wanted to live like Billy and I used to live.  Well, I do, and I was used to it then.  I remember going to wash clothes at my mom's.  We hung out clothes then.  I brought them home, forgot about them in the hot car but hung them out later.  I then learned the lesson of "sour" clothes.  So much learned, so much lost, so much to learn again.  I definitely am going to make mistakes.  I already see a lot of them, but I would not go back to that empty big house with the quietness so loud it drove me battier than I already was.  We do what we have to do, when we can do it, and sometimes we get something right.

[Froggie4635]

In this second year, it is all about the before and after...and the never will be.  Before I met Mark and I lived all alone, what kept me going was the hope that one day I would have what I wanted most.  When I found it, I was so happy living in the now.  We never many plans, other than where we were going for this holiday or that holiday, and I was completely content with that.  Even if it was just running to get groceries, it was an adventure.  When we bought our house (which was MY idea...I wanted him to have a place where he could do his woodworking), THAT became our adventure.  And it was our little corner of the world.  And we were content with that.  There were conversations about visiting some of the places he loved...and also a trip back home to where I grew up, so he could see my past.  We were never able to do any of that.  Like Marg says, everywhere I look in the house, I see Mark...even though I have re-arranged some furniture and hung things on the walls.  Since the fog has lifted, I see him everywhere and there is no hiding it.  Every so often, I get a little stirring to escape Houston, Texas and go somewhere and start over.  But, for now, I am HOME.  I have a difficult time deciding what I want to eat for dinner...can't imagine trying to decide where else I wanted to live.  When I was younger, and before I married, I would always get an itch to change something, or venture somewhere...to just get lost.  Well, now I feel lost, but for a different reason. My home is my safe place and the place I am most likely to walk into so many memories.  

[Margm]

41 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

My home is my safe place and the place I am most likely to walk into so many memories.

They tell you not to make any changes that first year.  I had to get away.  I blamed the house, the town, the big city hospital, the state for Billy's death.  There was not a reasonable cell in my brain..  It was very hard physically moving.  Mentally I am no better than being up there.  It will be this way no matter where I am.  I cannot find him anywhere because he is gone.  I need to be here because of my mom, but I don't even like it here either.  I have to come to grips with the fact I am not going to like it anywhere, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot.  And, I don't even know why I have to do that.  I guess just because he said "the one left must stay."  But really folks, unless we make ourselves die, we all have to stay.  I liked my idea of taking the rest of his morphine pills and going way off into the forest, and I could have gotten away where I would not be found for weeks or more.  But, we do not know for sure about the afterlife and I wanted to be with him so bad, but what if that was a way I would never be with him.  We really don't understand things and I'll be damn if I am going to take a chance on not being with him if it is like I was brought up to believe, and I want to believe one day I will be with him again.

When he first left I was like a mad dog.  I would not let my kids or anyone touch anything of his.  In the end, I gave it all away.  I could not use it.  The kids had what they wanted.  Billy  could not use it anymore and looking at 20 fishing rods and reels did not make him alive and I did not see him in those rods and reels.  He is not in his Tee-shirts, but they still smell like him, although I do not open the box.  I look in the sky and I see his bearded face, his dear face. And, that is all I have plus 54 years of memories to sort through ever so often.  If I want to numb down, I think of the bad times.  But, there were so many better times.  Just like always, I have no answers.  Like my friend, whose husband has been gone nine years, she said "your still early into it."  I will always be early into it. 

[Patty65]

I remember asking my therapist right after it happened, how long can I live like this?  She perced her lips in a sad smile, and said, "A long time, as long as it takes."  That was not the answer I wanted to hear.  "Early into it" has been hard to hear, here on this forum and anywhere/everywhere.  It means there's so much hard ahead.  But the truth is what we deserve, even when it feels impossible.

I have a bag with all the pillows that were on his side of the bed.  A plastic bag to preserve the scent. So powerful emotively. I so wish all his aloha shirts smelled like him still -- when we were first married, he was still living in California for the first few months till he found a job here, and I missed him so -- I would go into our closet and smell his shirts.  But I was too efficient washing when we were together, they just all smell like laundry detergent now. 

The bad times -- I don't talk or think about them, at least not yet.  I remember Marty saying we tend to glorify.  I thought about why. I probably wrote about it here.  I just don't think for us here struggling so with the loss of our soulmates, that it was their essence.  It was all lessons -- lessons he was learning and I was learning and we were learning together. Lessons for all time.  Maybe someday I'll want to talk about it, but I doubt it.  At least not all on its own.

I'm so glad that you didn't go into the forest.  I'm glad you must stay.  I know we are all, mostly, words on a page, but it is more, and important, that we are here together, for me -- for that very reason -- we must stay.  Might as well all stay and work on staying together!  

Patty

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

When I was younger, and before I married, I would always get an itch to change something, or venture somewhere...to just get lost.  Well, now I feel lost, but for a different reason. My home is my safe place and the place I am most likely to walk into so many memories.  

I was the same.  Life before we were together or settled down was a roadmap of adventures.  Choices unlimited.  If none presented themselves, I created them.  I never really felt lost, just caught up in youth and all the world had to offer.  Discovering myself.  

After decades of continuing that with him and his now disappearance, I know what lost means.  Not lost like in woods thing like on a hike, lost in your own life.  

Our home is my Catch 22.  I can't imagine not being in what we built, but everywhere I step foot, look at, touch is ours.  So many things that never get used now too.  Being single in a shared house is daunting.  Down to pots and cooking utensils because cooking for one means quick and easy because it is just fuel now.  I wouldn't know how to leave this house.  I would have to move everything we had to a strange place AND know strangers we in our place, changing it.  So I love it yet it is also the source of the pain.  How one balances that I have yet to figure out.  What was comforting in now a reminder of times past as I am certainly not building new ones with him.  That book hit its final chapter.  I've changed a few things, but they are so miniscule in the big picture.  

I deluded myself I would find solace here when he died.  That is what I want to live here in what we worked so much on to make perfect, but I'm still waiting on that.  

[TerriL]

I also have to echo Patty's sentiment, Marg, that I'm so grateful and glad that you did not go deep into that forest. I know I have felt the same way at times. I sit and wonder sometimes, what kind of life I have without Paul and it doesn't seem like much of one. I do have my cats though and I would never want anything to happen to them because of my selfishness. I know that they would not fare well should something happen to me, so I keep moving along, getting through the day, even if it feels as if I'm on automatic pilot. Like Kay always says, I'll start the day with great ideas or plans to get accomplished and the next thing I know, it's fife o'clock, time to think about feeding the cats and getting in the shower and I wonder where the entire day went. I'll have not accomplished ONE thing I had planned to do. I now sleep in the recliner in the living room. The sheets that Paul slept on right before he died are still on the bed, which I know sounds horrible. His water bottle is still sitting on the dresser next to the bed and the blue towel he used for his last shower still hangs over the shower door in the bathroom. I remove it to take my shower, but always hang it back up again for him. I had to watch today as my brother in law came over and cut more pieces of the swimming pool apart---this time the heavy steel outer ring. I didn't cry this time, I just felt numb and exhausted. 

I've also thought about both the good and the bad times. I think I began trying to think of some of the not so great times, just to see if it would lessen my pain at all. I was afraid of the "glorification" thing people do when someone dies. I was honest from the start about the good and the bad between Paul and me because the BEST was in the second half of our relationship, which means we loved each other enough to stick it out and not bail when we were going through the bad times. It was a testament to and proof of how deep our love for each other truly was. I've thought about getting out of this house, but right now, I believe the smartest thing to do is stay put. I could get quite a bit for it at the moment since they're saying houses are in short supply here in South Florida. The problem is, where would I go? And if I could get a high price, that means I'd also have to PAY a high price for a new home. That Catch-22 thing. So, for now, I'm surrounded by memories and I try to feel comforted by it, like a warm hug. I am scared by the "early into it" part though. OMG, it's bad enough now. What's to come as it creeps ever closer to the one year mark this October 15th?

Thank goodness we have each other on here. I began calming down more and feeling less alone once I joined this forum. I feel as if I've gotten to know the people behind the "words on a page" and you've helped me tremendously.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

I remember asking my therapist right after it happened, how long can I live like this?  She perced her lips in a sad smile, and said, "A long time, as long as it takes."  That was not the answer I wanted to hear.  "Early into it" has been hard to hear, here on this forum and anywhere/everywhere.  It means there's so much hard ahead.  But the truth is what we deserve, even when it feels impossible.

I don't know if to helps, Patty, but at 21 months I still feel early into it.  I'm guessing not because it blows my mind that I am still feeling so many new things. The ripples never seem to stop.  I sometimes feel....I can do this and then something very minor can happen and I overwhelmed again.  I really do have to remind myself of the burden of grief because the longer it lasts, the less people have tolerance for it.  One woman I know literally says nothing now if I mention Steve.  That really hurts because I know she feels sufficient time has passed.  I think you get a pass for the first year and then you are on your own.  Outsiders create timetables for us.  Even in the first year.  6 months was a biggie about how I should be feeling more accepting.  The bad thing is these misconceptions can too root and fester.  I spend a lot of time digging out the weeds they create.  And as we all know, weeds are hardly and will grow despite the harshest conditions while the good stuff takes much more care.  

[TerriL]

Gwen, I guess great minds think alike once again---the Catch-22 reference! Must be true then, if we both thought of it at the same time. I used to be more adventurous and up for change, too, when I was younger. I wasn't having problems with the Crohn's at that point, I was still dancing, my whole future was ahead of me. There just seemed to be so many possibilities. And now, I don't see those possibilities any longer. I just don't even know what kind of future is in store for me anymore. I've been trying to change my diet for the better, purchasing more produce. Before, Paul and I would eat most of it up before it went bad, but now, alone, I can't eat all of it and I end up tossing so much out into our compost bin. Or Betty the Iguana gets special treats. So, I get that part, too, about not really cooking much. I bought a new cookbook at the urging of my goddaughter and her fiancé. It's called Thug Kitchen. IT's hilarious to read, but has very healthy recipes. So, I promised them I will give it a serious try. She's worried about me keeping my health up and I do appreciate that. It's always a nice thing to know someone wants the best for you.  

[TerriL]

5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

One woman I know literally says nothing now if I mention Steve.  That really hurts because I know she feels sufficient time has passed.  

Isn't it amazing how so many people are suddenly such "grief experts"? They haven't necessarily gone through it themselves, but they know it all. 

[kayc]

Terri, I think I would contact her and ask her about the policy "take all vehicles", it does seem like a slap in the face.  It wouldn't matter so much if he were alive and the two of you were just donating just because, but the fact that this is part of what he has left makes it all the more personal a donation and all the more slap to have it rejected.

[Gwenivere]

Or they lost a dog, thier parent, a close friend.  All very valid yet not the same.  They cannot fathom coming home night after night to utter loneliness, yet they think it can't be THAT bad.  I've often thought, try it a week, a month and get back to me about it.  No takers.  We really scraper these preople about what can happen to them.  I know many times after to speaking to someone they are thinking.....I'm sooooo glad that is not me.  I know because I felt that way once too.  

[brat#2]

42 minutes ago, TerriL said:

I've also thought about both the good and the bad times. I think I began trying to think of some of the not so great times, just to see if it would lessen my pain at all. I was afraid of the "glorification" thing people do when someone dies. I was honest from the start about the good and the bad between Paul and me because the BEST was in the second half of our relationship, which means we loved each other enough to stick it out and not bail when we were going through the bad times. It was a testament to and proof of how deep our love for each other truly was. I've thought about getting out of this house, but right now, I believe the smartest thing to do is stay put.  That Catch-22 thing. So, for now, I'm surrounded by memories and I try to feel comforted by it, like a warm hug.

Thank goodness we have each other on here. I began calming down more and feeling less alone once I joined this forum. I feel as if I've gotten to know the people behind the "words on a page" and you've helped me tremendously.

Terri, that was Dale and I to a tee, I would not want to live our first 10 years together again, but the last 24 was where we shined and fell even more in love and learned to really like each other because we stuck together through the bad times.  I've done the same thing, trying not to glorify our relationship in my mind and remember the hard times too, that is what made us "us".  I don't plan on moving from our home for awhile, it does give me some comfort, but things can always change.

Yes, I'm very glad I found this place and all of you.  It is comforting to know you all get it and know how I'm feeling.

Joyce

 

[brat#2]

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Or they lost a dog, thier parent, a close friend.  All very valid yet not the same.  They cannot fathom coming home night after night to utter loneliness, yet they think it can't be THAT bad.  I've often thought, try it a week, a month and get back to me about it.  No takers.  We really scraper these preople about what can happen to them.  I know many times after to speaking to someone they are thinking.....I'm sooooo glad that is not me.  I know because I felt that way once too.  

Gwen, that is so true, I've had those thoughts so many times myself.