Sudden Death

[Fabian30]

Hi everyone,

My husband died on March 7, 2016 in a car accident. I was in the car along with our almost one year old daughter, luckily our other daughter who is 3 was not with us. The car that hit us was likely speeding ,and this is all under investigation, and it hit directly where my husband was sitting. He only lived 30 minutes and wasn't conscience. I was pretty badly injured with spinal, pelvic, and rib fractures. I, myself have no memory of what happened...none at all, which I am thankful for. We are young people at only 29, and I am deeply affected and saddened. I can't say the days get easier because they don't. Everyday is new challenges and knew thoughts. I stare at his picture and just think you had no idea this was coming. We were so happy and our marriage was actually going well. We had issues but we worked through them every step of the way.  I just miss him every minute. Even at work.. we were management for the same company but different locations so sometimes I would get guidance from him. Everything we did was together. I'm grateful for the time we had. I really am, but I wanted more and I know he wanted more from his life. Now leading into my question. My sister wants me to get counseling about what happened. However, I don't think I need it yet. She believes that I replay the what ifs to much, and go over and over about what could have gone differently that night.  I think it's normal to do this, especially considering how long the investigation will take for me to have some facts and somewhat of a closure. So should I force myself to counseling or wait until I think I need it? 

Thank you to those who read and respond. I appreciate it. 

[mittam99]

First of all my condolences on the reason that brought you here. That is so horrific. I am so sorry you lost your precious husband. 

As to the grief counseling, it is generally a good idea. You've just had a traumatic, life altering event. You need all the help and emotional support you can get and being with a professional one on one is a good start. 

This grief journey is hard and I hope you continue to post here. We're all dealing with the trauma of losing a loved one and we're all here for each other.

 

[kayc]

Welcome to our site, I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad your daughter wasn't in the accident.  

We recommend counseling with a professional grief counselor that is trained in grief, they are able to guide us through this maze of grief at a time when we have a hard time forming a thought, let alone knowing how to navigate through this.  I hope you'll consider it.  I sought a grief counselor when I was about two weeks out.

You are right that it is normal to go through the whatifs, most of us have.  It's also common to feel guilt, even though we've done nothing wrong...it's just a feeling, it doesn't mean we should feel that way.

Everyone handles their grief differently, and you might feel you don't need counseling, but if you do start feeling the need, I hope you'll select a grief counselor, not just a regular one, they aren't equal and the same.

I hope you feel comfortable coming here and reading and posting, you're among many others that understand.

[Clematis]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family-it is terrible and a huge loss. It is also really new-grieving ls a long and difficult road and two months is very little time. I think it's really helpful to have a grief counselor all along the way. At different points along the journey, you may need different kinds of help, but I think that at every point you'll need all the support you can get. A grief counselor is really helpful because it's a specialized area; it's not general counseling. This forum is also very helpful to many of us, because even though we aren't professionals we are in our own ways on the same path, and the companionship can be soothing and comforting. 

For me- and I don't think this is unusual-in the beginning of grieving there were a lot of people around me who were eager to talk and listen and wanted to know how I was, but that sort of thinned out and I still really needed more support and ability to talk about what I was going through than my friends and sisters were willing to tolerate. (We all lost our dad but I was taking care of him and they had been on the other side of the country for the years and had a very different experience than I. Also, although the grief counselor has been extraordinarily helpful, that is only about an hour a week. It is really nice to come on here and find people who are willing and eager to listen and offer any help that we can. I hope you keep coming back here. -Laura

[Finch]

Hi Fabian, I am very sorry about what happened. 

 

I started seeing a grief counselor just a few weeks after my bereavement, which was also somewhat sudden. Like you, it was my sister who particularly encouraged me to do it. I'm still seeing them now 4 months later and I do find the sessions helpful, particularly in trying to deal with guilt and regret. There has been some good practical advice and he has been a good 'anchor point' on my journey. I see mine once a week but there is no reason why you couldn't space it out more if that suited you.

You could try 1 session and see how it goes. If it's not for you then no harm no foul.

However, only you know when you are ready.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Fabian,

I am so sorry for your sudden loss.  I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack 17 months ago.  I was in a huge fog of shock for probably the first 15 months...there is still a little residual shock.  I don't have any family here where I live; my work colleagues are my family.  The man who runs the center where I work is a most compassionate man, and he arranged for me to meet with a grief counselor, if I wished to do so.  He had a background in social work and I think knew a little more about what I could possibly need.  He made sure I knew it wasn't mandatory that I go.  It took me a little while to decide to go, but I was glad I did.  I only went for like 6 weeks, because the counselor was set for retirement.  But those six weeks really helped.  I am still working on giving myself permission to feel what I need to feel and grieve as I need to grieve, without judgments or advice from those who do not have a clue what this is like.  I recently tried a loss of spouse support group, but it was too intense and I wasn't comfortable.  The only advice I will give is to be gentle with yourself.  Rest as much as you can, and talk.  We are kind of like a family here, and understand what your loss is all about.  Come here and write your feelings, or ask questions and let the answers sit with you.  Let those who are around you give you the support you need.

[MartyT]

Dear one, as others have stated, you know yourself better than anyone, and this is a decision only you can make ~ but knowing what to expect from grief counseling may help you decide. Grief is not a pathological condition, and as you say, your own reactions to this horrific death are normal for you. I don't think of grief counseling as something everyone necessarily "needs," but rather as a source of information, comfort and support that can help you find your footing when your entire world has been turned upside down. As a grief counselor myself, I am admittedly biased, but I see it as a gift you can give yourself.

See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You ~ including the Related Articles listed at the base.

[brat#2]

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss.  I understand that a grief counselor can be beneficial during this time, however, you need to do what feels right for you.  Coming here and posting and reading responses as been very beneficial for me.  I've tried several in person support groups and have found they are not for me, but coming here and feeling the love and understanding that I get from the people here has been very wonderful.  Please feel free to come back and post whenever you want and we will be here for you.

Joyce

 

[Witheverypieceofme]

Fabian,

I am so sorry. I lost my spouse about 9 months ago when he was 27 to a sudden accident as well, while we were on vacation. I started seeing a grief counselor about a month after he died and I am still seeing her. It helped me tremendously while I was holding tightly onto the "what ifs"...almost every night I would replay how our day went and what would have changed the outcome. It is totally normal for us to think these things, and it doesn't mean that we NEED to go see someone about it, but in my circumstances which I feel are similar to yours...it truly helped. Where I had a lot of support the first couple months, it slowly drifted while everyone else went back to their normal lives besides me, which is why I am thankful I still had someone to talk to. I was actively on here as well, not always posting but doing a lot of reading, and can say that you have found the right place to share your thoughts to people who have been through your type of loss. 

Sending healing thoughts your way...

Melani

[Sherbear512]

Fabian- I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot clearly express the emotions we feel in this situation and only you will know the best way to help yourself heal, but I wanted to share with you my experience so far. I lost my husband of 3 months on March 25 of a traumatic accident. My best friend is a counselor and immediately found a grief counselor for me. I've been going about 2-3 times a month. There is no miraculous healing going on, but In these sessions, I've worked through some guilt, some regrets and just gotten advice to cope with the extreme ups and downs that I have been facing. I have actually come to look forward to the counseling sessions as I am able to open up and be my true self with no judgement. My friends and family are helpful but sometimes it's hard to set boundaries or tell them what I need, which is one point that had gotten through in the counseling- only I know what I need and I need to let others know this bc they cannot read my mind. I hope you find a little bit of peace and comfort in the memories. On my hardest nights, I come to this forum and find a little comfort in the posts and knowing I am not alone.

sincerely,

Sherry