Falling

[kayc]

Laura,

It sounds like you live in my part of the country!  Deer, elk, skunks, that's all part of my everyday driving existence!  I'm glad you didn't hit any of them.

[Clematis]

Yeah - me too! Do you live in the mountains?

I got pulled over one night for driving too slow. The cop asked me if I had any idea what the speed limit was. "65" He asked me if I knew what speed I was going. "55" Then he asked me why I was going so slow and I explained that my understanding was that one should go slower if there was bad weather or at night, when one should be watching for animals. Then he got really excited and asked, "What kind of animals?" I began listing some; elk, deer, skunks, rabbits, snakes... He looked disappointed and I wondered if he thought I was watching for unicorns. Jackalopes? Dragons?

[kayc]

I do live in the mountains, but only 2500 elevation, still, I get a fair amount of snow and it's usually below freezing in the winter.  Even when it's not freezing we have to go slow because of the animals.  I've hit bear, elk, deer, and yep, skunk.  I've also been hit by bear, elk, deer.  It's been a few years since I've hit anything, maybe because I've slowed way down.

You are right, slowing down for animals trumps the posted speed limit.  They can actually ticket you for going the speed limit if the conditions don't warrant it. 

[Clematis]

Early this morning one of my new smoke detectors started chirping -very loudly. Lena and I were both startled and she looked over her shoulder at me with her ears laid back, meowing loudly like, "Fix that terrible noise and fix it now!" I had the fire department come over and change the batteries. They do that here and even bring the batteries - at no charge; I guess they figure they would rather do that than have you fall off a ladder and then come get you. 

These guys are so familiar to me - they came so many times to help my dad. Sometimes they transported him to the E.R. and sometimes they just came and picked him off the floor. They came on Christmas day and helped him get into bed, even helping him into his PJ's. I brought one of the fliers I made to the fire house before his Celebration of Life in case they'd like to come but I didn't see any of them. But these three tonight had all helped him at some time or another, and so I reminded them of who he was because I wanted to thank them and for them to know what had become of him. When I told him his address, they all remembered him and one of them was one of the guys from Christmas. It was sad but kind of sweet as well.

When my dad died I went all over town with those fliers giving them to people that he knew. He had so few friends at the end, in his new home of the last ten years, but everyone who knew him really liked him. People told me all the time, "Oh, I just love your dad - he's the sweetest man!" When I went to his barber shop they thanked me for telling them, commenting that so many times people just disappear and they never know what became of them. I wanted the people who valued him to know. I suppose now what I was supposed to do was put an obituary in the paper, but I wasn't even close to being able to do that. Now I guess it's probably too late...

[kayc]

Laura,

The purpose of an obituary is to let people know he died.  If you are still running across people that didn't know, it's not to late to do one.  I've seen people do them months after the fact.

[Clematis]

I think people know, and the truth is that I actually went around and personally told everyone I could think of who knew him. I also went through his address book and called everyone I could find. My sisters told their own children and one of my sisters told one of his old college friends. They left the rest to me, even people that they knew and I didn't know or barely knew. I spent two months compiling a list of everyone I could think of and either calling them or hand-delivering the little fliers I had made up about his Celebration of Life to the people who lived nearby. Most people here do not get the newspaper. I guess what I did was probably better.

Thanks, Kay - I wasn't sure. I kept thinking I was supposed to do that. Someone told me that in today's world it's probably best to not post when the memorial is going to be because someone reads it and breaks into your house when they know you'll be gone. Then two months had gone by and I didn't know what to do. If anything. So it's good to know I can just let go of it now.

[kayc]

Honestly, to most people that mattered, those who knew and were close to him, they already know. 

[Clematis]

Happy Veteran's Day to my dad. I sure wish you were here to commemorate the day with me.

[Clematis]

Just when I am totally convinced that everything is gone...

My sister who had stopped speaking to me has resumed communication, which is a relief but wasn't easy. She is so passive aggressive and feels like she is the victim of everything. If she is hostile and aggressive to me and feels so bad about it that she feels physically ill, I am supposed to intuit that somehow and make her feel better. Not much I can do about that, but I did suggest to her that if she was that upset about something she could always try telling me so at least I had a chance to listen to her, know what the problem was, and maybe we could even talk about it. Then we actually did this several times - said things to each other, listened, responded, and discovered that the worst of it was total misunderstandings. She seemed amazed, which was a little amazing to me. How is it that my sister has communication skills that would be deficient in a 10-year-old? Oh well, I still love her and am relieved that she decided to speak to me again. I'll have to remember to be careful.

On a better note, something else happened today. Last fall when my dad was really going downhill, my cello teacher - also in her eighties - had her second cancer episode and we stopped cello lessons. I talked to her in the spring and she was doing better but not teaching, and I wasn't up to playing much. Anyway, things had not been going well for some time with my lessons; it's no fun for teacher or student when the student isn't practicing. I still made some progress since I was still playing, but not much. So I started practicing a few weeks ago and am making progress but feeling lost. I really do need lessons, but was so afraid she wouldn't take me back on. But when I called her to chat and say that I had begun practicing regularly, I asked if she would take me back. All she just asked when I wanted to start back. How cool is that!

[kayc]

Oh Laura, I'm so glad for you!  For your teacher too...there's nothing more precious to a teacher than to see their student doing well.

[Clematis]

12 minutes ago, kayc said:

Oh Laura, I'm so glad for you!  For your teacher too...there's nothing more precious to a teacher than to see their student doing well.

Thanks, Kay! I just posted a video of Lena under Tools for Healing. A video created by Glo Rodriguez for National Black Cat Day, which is today!

[Clematis]

I got a new phone, an iPhone 7 to replace my iPhone 5, whose battery is failing. I am trying to get everything off the old phone before switching to the new one. There are dozens of voicemail messages from my dad. I listened to them all, deciding which ones to hang onto and which ones are virtually identical to others. You know how it is with the person you talk to every day of your life. So much comfort in all that repetition and sameness, the patterns that once formed the fabric of our shared life and now there is an echoing hollow memory like a vessel that used to be filled every day and now it is permanently empty.

Listening to his voice I wasn't sure if it made me feel better or worse. No, actually I think it was both better and worse, but the net result was that crushing hollow feeling in my chest that I wasn't able to breathe. Except, of course, I keep breathing. It is he who does not breathe even though I hear his voice. After some time of hearing his recorded voice I heard his voice in real time beside me, "Are you still listening to that old fool?" So long since I had heard him call himself that. It's eleven months since we both breathed in the same room. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it seems like so long it's hard to even believe he was ever here with me in Sedona. But I sit in his chair and know there is no other way it could have gotten here. He was here and sat in this chair for ten years and now he has no need for it. Hard to believe...

[iPraiseHim]

On ‎11‎/‎23‎/‎2016 at 11:24 PM, Clematis said:

I got a new phone, an iPhone 7 to replace my iPhone 5, whose battery is failing. I am trying to get everything off the old phone before switching to the new one. There are dozens of voicemail messages from my dad. I listened to them all, deciding which ones to hang onto and which ones are virtually identical to others. You know how it is with the person you talk to every day of your life. So much comfort in all that repetition and sameness, the patterns that once formed the fabric of our shared life and now there is an echoing hollow memory like a vessel that used to be filled every day and now it is permanently empty.

Laura, I went through that recently switching from iPhone 4 to Samsung Galaxy 4.  I didn't want to lose the calls and my wife's sweet voice.  I recorded them on my answering machine as a back up.  I like to hear her voice because it reminds me how alive and in love we were every day. I don't hear her voice anymore. And it is pretty quite in the home.  It helps me to remember that it was real and not just a dream.  - Shalom 

[kayc]

I lost all George's voicemails two weeks after he died, I hadn't expected it. I was devastated. I still remember his voice but I wish I had a recording.

[Clematis]

On 11/25/2016 at 7:04 AM, kayc said:

I lost all George's voicemails two weeks after he died, I hadn't expected it. I was devastated. I still remember his voice but I wish I had a recording.

That is sad...it would be nice

[kayc]

I'm just very glad I can recall his voice, his talking to me, so vividly, alas,some cannot.

[Clematis]

I can't figure out whether or not to set up my dad's (artificial) tree at my house or not. If I don't set it up, I'll probably get rid of it and go back to setting up a little tiny tree. If I do set it up, I will have some time to figure out what to do with it in the future and maybe let go of it, or maybe find a way to keep it. Setting it up would mean working through last Christmas and how sad that was to have my dad falling apart and my being so scared. It might also be a way of honoring how hard he tried for me to have Christmas be ok...maybe because I was trying so hard for him. I know that for him Christmas was always magical because my mother made it that way for him. I always wanted to make something special for him on the holidays but never really had any idea what to do other than just being there for him and try to do some little things for him from our shared history. I always felt totally inadequate, but he would tell me he thought I was wonderful no matter what I did or didn't do. It's so sad to have him gone.

But what to do about the tree? I think if I don't do it, it will be kind of like Christmas never came and December just slipped into January. I guess that's kind of what happened last year - December slipped into January and then he was gone halfway through the month, followed by what seemed like interminable cold.

Lena always seems to enjoy the tree - should I set it up for her? I have pictures of her last year near the tree and it was so sad because I couldn't really enjoy the tree or any of it because my dad was so sick and just hanging on. Last year there were still some unwrapped gifts under the tree in March because...well just because. How does anybody ever figure these things out?

I always used to set up the tree for my dad because it seemed to make him feel a little more cheerful to have the lights in the house. Who knows? Maybe I should just try to do the same thing for myself that I would have done for him...

[iPraiseHim]

Laura, I would follow what gives you peace. I am learning to take care of myself as well as i took care of my wife and her mother. I give myself permission to enjoy life because that is what my wife wanted for me all along.  It took me a long time to get to this place in my grief walk.  It sounds like Lena would enjoy it and maybe you too! - Shalom

[kayc]

Laura,

I vote for you setting it up, but like George said above, it's whatever you feel brings you the most peace.  I set up a tree and decorate because my George loved it so much, it's a way to honor him, and I feel him close to me throughout the season.  But the first year I didn't want any part of Christmas, I only did it because my kids wanted me to.  I understand either way, and neither is right or wrong, only what's right for YOU.

[Clematis]

I guess I would rather have it, even though it will be hard to have his tree without him. I keep thinking it's getting kind of late, but that's probably not true, especially since I usually leave it up until at least Valentine's day. Last year I took it down a few days before my sisters came out in mid March. The year before we left our trees up until June - my tiny tree and my dad's big tree. I collected a bunch of cat ornaments from the thrift store that benefits the Humane Society here, but they only made it out once. Anyway, I have mixed feelings about all of it, but always enjoy the lights...

[kayc]

I think putting up the tree with the ornaments and all of the memories with it can be part of the grieving and healing process, although the first year a person might want to skip it if it's way too fresh.  It seems to me that the pain and tears can also be part of the processing and thus healing.  It doesn't hurt so much after a few years, now I cherish the memories although the not having him here with me is still...hard.

I bet Lena enjoys the lights too, she seems pretty alert and aware.  Kitty seems to ignore the whole thing but Arlie sure loves it.

[Clematis]

Kay, I think I will do it! I had thought I had found a new helper to help me work through what is still left that I need to deal with in my dad's house, getting my camping stuff put back away (from September), making room for the tree, getting it over here, an all that so that I can even think about getting the tree over here and up. Wow- that was a humdinger - was it even a sentence? Anyway, he was supposed to start tomorrow and now I don't seem to be able to get hold of him. I hope he's still going to help me. I think I can do it if I have some help. This guy is very sweet and would be perfect... He said he would help me, but then he got sick, then I saw him and he was ok and then today I couldn't find him. I hope he hasn't vanished.

 

[Clematis]

Tonight I played a gig with my ukulele group at the Elks club. It was fun to be out playing the cello and being with my friends, but since my dad was a member there it was sad to be there without him and know he's never coming back. I sure miss him and I feel lost without him.

[kayc]

Laura,
I hope you get your help too!  It's nice that you got to play...I miss being able to drive at night, I miss so much now.

[Clematis]

My helper showed up and we got started today; turns out he really does want to help me, and this is a relief. He needs the money and I need the help from someone I can really trust on multiple levels. He is a really sweet guy.