Falling

[kayc]

I'm assuming the microwave is supposed to be a "built in" not a stand alone?  The nut that screws on top of the lampshade you can get at any hardware store.  You can probably just put it on there for now until you have time to run that errand.

I'm sorry your neighbor bailed on you and even sorrier he put you through all that.  Like you say, he was probably having a bad day and that sometimes filters people's responses but you're right, he shouldn't have taken it out on you.  I'm glad you didn't just let him bash your valuables!  Sometimes it's important for people to listen and if they can't, leave.

Well you have all of the stuff there now, and the putting away/arranging begins.  Can you get someone to help you lift the furniture so you can straighten out the rug?  This is why I don't move, I don't have help and know I can't do it alone.  Ugh, I wouldn't even know where to start, I can see why you've had anxiety this summer, plenty of reason to!

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay... I appreciate it. The microwave is the kind that hangs from the cupboards over the range, and it requires two strong people-like men-to hold it up and install it. Also, the vent is supposed to somehow connect to the duct that leads to the outside. So I have no way to cook other than going down to my dad's house. Greg is out in CA shooting a movie or commercial or something (he's a camera assistant). He texted me he would be shooting a scene at the beach this evening and some other thing tomorrow. I think he'll be back here on Monday.

So, for the most past I am back in my own house, with most of my own things that I need, aside from some minor details like clothing and a kitchen. I thought it would feel better to be here, but I feel devastated. Could be partly because I am totally exhausted from yesterday and spent most of the day on the couch - other than three appointments in the morning. Going down to my dad's house now feels horrible because he is so very much NOT there...it's just a dirty condo with tons of junk in it.

And up here at my own condo, it doesn't look too mad, but it doesn't seem right either. I have lived my entire adult live across the country from my family, so my sisters' homes were full of family pieces that were handed down to them by my parents as they acquired nicer newer furnishings and also inherited things from my parents older relatives as they passed on. Meanwhile, I had nothing from the family. Now my house has only about six small items that my dad brought to me when he moved to AZ and only one item - a lamp - that I had before that. Everything else here was his and it doesn't seem right because he's not here. I haven't heard him talking to me yesterday when I was frantic with moving or today, exhausted from moving either. I think I need to hear from him that he got the memo that we were moving. I never summon him; he just shows up & talks. I asked Lena to try to contact him; I think animals may be closer to spirits than people. I got a lengthy response from the cat but I'm not sure what it all meant...

[iPraiseHim]

I would call a few appliance installer/repairmen or  contact the deacon in a few local churches and ask who do they know that can help you. Asking for help is humbling.  Being a deacon, the hardest job was to find the person who needed help to serve them but they didn't ask or want to bother.  Someone will have handymen that can help.  It's worth a shot.  If I was closer I would lend a hand.  I'm not an expert but handy and persistent to get the job done.   

You have done a lot of work.  The best part of moving is when it is done.  Give yourself kudos for getting it done.  Every step on this journey feels weird.  Just take it in stride... one step, one day at a time. "Keep walking, keep moving on" - Shalom

[Clematis]

Thanks, George! I may have to wait. If I can't get my friends to do it by early next week, I'll call on my dad's handywoman. She and her crew were referred to my dad by my friend - one of the two that have been helping me with the house project. It will get in - I may just have to wait for a few days. I could also walk across the street and ask my neighbor if I could heat  up something in her microwave over the next few days. She is about two years younger than my dad's age and I know she missed me while I was living down there for seven months. She probably wouldn't mind...

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 Every step on this journey feels weird.  Just take it in stride... one step, one day at a time. "Keep walking, keep moving on"

You're right - it does feel really weird. Well, maybe tomorrow will feel better when I'm hopefully not so exhausted...

I finally heard my dad say something to me..." the next time you go down to the other place you should bring my fire extinguisher back with you - you really ought to have one in the house".

[MartyT]

This post I read just now made me think of you, Laura: Leaving Stuff Behind  ♥

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty! Now there is a scary idea-moving to or from Hawaii; just the idea of the paring down one would have to do is frightening When I moved to Flagstaff, I came on the bus with a suitcase, and shipped my two bicycles in boxes and sent everything else in a large trunk. I used to be able to fit all of my sheet music in one small cloth bag with handles that I had made. Now it has an entire shelf and will not fit. And now there is a ton of stuff from generations before. I found a little bundle of letters from my mother's father to her mother when they were were courting, postmarked 1927-1928...just as an example. I now have several large photo albums from my parents' wedding.

My sisters were talking about their portions of this stuff some time when we were together in the past year and were saying that Mother just hung onto all of that old family stuff way too long. By the time it got passed on, she was dead and we were at or near the point of paring down ourselves. When we were growing up and young adults, we were intrigued by all that old stuff because we knew those people-two generations above us and grew up listening to stories about the generation above them, and my mother would barely allow us to touch any of it. But the next generation didn't know any of those people and they don't want that stuff...

[Clematis]

I keep having these encounters with my father's former next-door neighbor that make me want to smack her. I get really tired of having people telling me what I should do, prying into things that aren't their business and so on. Several times a day people like my neighbor ask me "What are you going to do with your dad's place?" and then tell me what I should do without knowing any details.

This neighbor complained to the property manager (anonymously) after complaining to me about my parking my dad's car in a visitor's spot while moving, which is totally within the rules. Then she told me that I really need to sell my dad's car, which she has told me repeatedly. I pointed out that lots of people have told me the same thing and most of them have had some interest in procuring the car for someone who needs an inexpensive car in great shape with low mileage. She looked embarrassed and dropped it. She is a nosy neighbor, which I don't appreciate, but was invaluable when my dad was alive and not doing well.

Today she told me that "he is in a better place", and when I failed to look impressed and appreciative of this information, she repeated it about four more times with explanations of how I may not understand this but it is true. I finally asked her if she had his current address at this "better place". She looked startled and started making up a heavenly address. I told her that I'm not really sure exactly where he is, but that he talks to me every day, and has given me practical advice that is current and not a repetition of things he said when he was alive, like, "Make sure you pick up the fire extinguisher when you go down to the other place..." She was dubious about my report that he has been talking to me.

Then I felt badly about being flippant and went on to thank her for being so kind in paying attention to my dad's comings and goings - or lack thereof - when he was alive. She used to call me when he had fallen outside, or if she hadn't seen any sign of him for a day or two. And if I couldn't reach him by phone I would call his neighbor and she would go look in the window next to his door and tell me she could see him sitting in his chair, and I would be greatly relieved. I told her that she had been an important part in his ability to live in his own house, which is absolutely true. I will always appreciate her doing what she did, but I wish she would stop telling me what to do and what it is.

[kayc]

I guess there's two sides to being nosy, one comes in handy, such as reporting to you when your dad fell, the other side...not so much.

[Clematis]

That's true. I think part of the problem is that I am tired of people telling me what to do and prying into things that are none of their business. I understand that people are curious and I certainly have asked a lot of people a lot of questions out of curiosity. But several times a day someone asks me what I plan to do with my father's house and anything I say is challenged and a lot of really bad advise shoved down my throat. My dodging and changing the subject in an attempt to be pleasant but not discuss this further are met with more pressured arguments that I do this or that. Sometimes I give them the numbers, which I resent because I shouldn't have to reveal personal information to get someone to stop badgering me.

Even my friends do this; Greg, one of my best friends and one of the two who has helped me so much this summer told me emphatically the other day that I needed a personal financial consultant to help me with this and that I should avoid foreclosure at all costs. I told him that I have a financial advisor, an accountant, and an attorney who specializes in trusts/wills/estate planning who are helping me. He was not impressed and brought up renting and just selling it. I told him (again) that renting it would be a big hassle that would cost me five or six hundred dollars a month-and I have my sisters to consider-they don't want that. To sell it as a regular sale right now would require fixing it up and getting all of the rest of my dad's stuff into a storage unit (immediately and indefinitely) and that would cost quite a bit. On top of that I would have to bring at least $20,000 to $30,000 to the table to close it. Why would I toss all that money into the wind for no reason?

It seems like everyone around me is an expert about everything and they figure I need to be told what to do. I understand that they are concerned and trying to be of assistance. I don't like it when people tell me, "That is not something I care do discuss with you" or "That is none of your business", but my other responses have not been very effective. I did get the property manager to back off some time ago...she was doing the same thing-- pressured real-estate advice, and when I demurred she pointed out that she was a realtor and knew what she was talking about. I replied, "Yes, I know you are a realtor, but you are not MY realtor." She hasn't said a word about it since. The neighbors and my friends and acquaintances are another story.

[MartyT]

I agree, Laura, that how you respond can sound quite nasty ~ but with your training and your solid communication skills, it seems to me that you could come up with a nice but firm way to let people know where you stand on these matters. For example, you could say something like this: "I understand and really appreciate your concern, but I need time and space to figure this out for myself" ~ or words to that effect. You might try writing out what you would consider to be a suitable response, then rehearse it so you're ready to use it the next time someone offers you their unsolicited advice.

[iPraiseHim]

I say, "Thank you for sharing" or "thankful for the unsolicited advice". - Shalom

[kayc]

5 hours ago, MartyT said:

"I understand and really appreciate your concern, but I need time and space to figure this out for myself"

That sounds really good, Marty!  I know she wouldn't want to be snippy to Greg, he's been a really good friend, but I also know how annoying it is to have people question you like you don't have the ability to think for yourself (I've encountered some of that as well).

[Clematis]

I really appreciate the responses and understanding from all of you. I really don't want to alienate anyone - especially not Greg! He has been SO good to me through thick and thin for a long time, and so has his wife. 

I have a good friend who is a psychiatrist with a very kind and gentle way of being in the world, although she is tough underneath. She has a remarkable way about her. Anyway, I was whining to her on the phone about this today and her advice was to say, "I really don't want to talk about it" and she sighed as she said this as if the mere thought of talking about "it" was exhausting. I think the delivery is part of her suggested message. And she commented that it was really a step down from the other choices. I think she's right, because if I say that, it's all about me and not a commentary about the person or their nosiness. A neat little sidestep that also happens to be true - I do not want to talk about my dad's condo and what will happen with it. Unless, of course, the timing and the person is of my choosing (like talking to my attorney at the time to make a decision).

Your recommendation was also good, Marty, and from the same spirit of not commenting on the nosiness and just commenting on my self and not being critical.

[Clematis]

I don't seem to be falling anymore and my head seems to be less of a magnet for blows. I do sometimes feel like I am in free fall, and so I put this here under Falling. I am getting worried about having headaches every day for three months triggered by light and noise, and accompanied by fatigue. I have lost at least half of my work, and am worried about finding more because I am so tired. I really don't thing I am capable of working full time at this point due to the accident.

This morning I awoke with a headache from a dream that I had lost my house and about everything in it. I was forced to live in a teepee and was in there with my few possessions trying to figure out how to put up room dividers so that you couldn't see the bed from the "couch" area, where I was hoping I could see clients and make some money. Of course Lena was long gone. You really do need a house in order to have a house cat.

My friend Greg, upon hearing this, told me, "That wasn't a dream-that was a flashback!" He has a point; when I was a very young adult I lived in a teepee with my ex-husband. We had just met and that was where he was living - in his teepee. Ultimately, I left because in addition to other problems he decided that he didn't really want to work and had made the decision that we would sell our house and move back into the teepee. In Flagstaff, where the temperatures go below zero in the winter - frequently. I thought that if I left I could manage to take better care of myself. So far, I have...

[kayc]

That's what I was thinking as I read your post, that you've already been there!  But no need to fear, Lena would live in a teepee, probably a whole lot better than you.  I have a neighbor with a yurt and she has up to 25 rescue cats at any given time.  

I know, not what you want to hear.  I don't think you'll lose your place though, Laura, it just shows that you have concerns about getting work/income.  Maybe you should file for temporary disability in the meantime while they're trying to figure out how to fix your headaches and other problems.  I'd have a lawyer oversee it as they normally deny it the first time and it takes an attorney to push it on through, I wouldn't just give up.  I know, look who's talking, me who can't drive at night and thus can't hold a job because of it (everything here is a long commute) but I didn't file unemployment OR disability.  I just figured they wouldn't give it to me since I'm not dying of cancer or something.  They'd figure I could lick envelopes at home so am still employable.   Yeah, if I wanted to make $4.00 hour!  Of course they always tell you that you can get $4,000.00/month, yeah right!  If that was the case we'd all be doing it while watching Dr. Phil!

[Clematis]

It was such a hard summer, working almost every day-sometimes long days-on my dad's estate, consolidating his and my stuff together into my condo. I am far from done going through all of his stuff, but at least I did manage to get moved into my own condo, fixed up a few things, and got rid tons of stuff. Most of the work I was doing is gone; the guy I was working for lost the contract. I do have a short term contract of my own and am trying to focus on doing a good job of that. 

In a way I am kind of relieved; I don't think I am really in any shape to work full time or to drive 2-1/2 hours (each way) to work on a reservation, even two days a week, like I did for four years before the accident. I used to have so much energy it made people tired just to hear what I did in a given period of time. Now I have headaches, light and noise sensitivity, and I get very tired, even after a short day. I sometimes feel like I could just go to bed at 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening because I am so tired, but I am not actually sleeping all that well. It's hard to imagine how I could be working full time at this point. But I need to work.

From what I've read recently, I wonder if I was really doing too much this summer. Maybe I should have been resting and not trying desperately to get this move accomplished this summer, in ten weeks. But now it is back to school time, I should be working full time, but I am working part time and don't think I could be doing any more. It's hard to even think about what I would have to do to get more work. I feel guilty about not busting my butt pounding the pavement looking for more work, but am not sure I could really do it.

I had dinner with a friend and her family; they are in town for the week. I was talking to my friend's partner about how I think I have too much fatigue and headache to work full time. My friend's dad jumped in and more or less told me that I was malingering because it had been three months and I must not want to work because I was making too many excuses. He pointed out that my dad always worked hard and I should follow his example. I pointed out that my dad was to tired to do much of anything after he had Parkinson's, and my friend's dad told me that was different because my dad was retired before he was so tired. I pointed out that I had a head injury and he told me that the only problem I had was a bad attitude. He was basically telling me that there was no good reason to be tired three months after a concussion - like I must have suddenly developed severe laziness. This guy is a retired physics and chemistry professor and was a truly brilliant guy-major scientist and mathematician, but my friend and her partner keep telling me that he has dementia and some significant frontal lobe problems. You guys know me somewhat by now...is he nuts, or do I sound like I actually don't want to work?

[kayc]

OMG!  I can't believe that guy!  I hope you have the sense not to listen to him or let him affect how you feel about yourself!  I think you should be getting temporary disability until such a time as they figure out what's going on with you and what to do about it!  How dare this guy!  He's not a doctor, don't listen to him!  It makes me so mad, I wish I could have five minutes of his time!  Grrr!  He may be brilliant with math & science but he doesn't know beans about head injuries, or YOU!  Lazy you are not!  Laura, the only reason you are not making hay is because of the head injury and the grief.  Grrr again!    Okay, reading he has dementia and some frontal lobe problems I'll give him a hall pass, but please don't pay him any never mind.  I would not see him again, if you want to see your friend, try to schedule it separate and apart from his/her dad.  I'm sorry, Laura.  Sometimes I feel like people can be real axxholes.  Judging from how my week has gone thus far, I guess this is the week for them.

[Clematis]

I love these people and it is really hard watching Herb fall apart like he is. He was SO brilliant, and has slid so far. He had a stellar career in every way, and now he doesn't talk much. I think he knows he's not capable of what he used to do cognitively. His daughter, one of my best friends in my life-20+years) has been telling me for some time that Herb has dementia but I wasn't sure whether to believe her. He's obviously no longer a walking world encyclopedia, but I never saw him do anything like that attack on me last night. My friend's partner Susan was sitting next to me and told me several times, "just ignore him". Probably what I should have done. But he was like a second father to me in my adult life and it's hard to stop considering him as an authority on practically everything - because he was. But he is just a year younger than my father - will be 88 in October - and he...aint what he used to be. It will be a horrible blow when he - and his wife - are gone. They were both truly amazing people...

As to my abilities, I have improved incredibly and many of my symptoms are mostly gone, but I am left with a headache that is triggered by light, noise, and stress. Having only short term part-time employment is stressful, but I really don't think I could work full time right now, and just the idea of it makes my head hurt. I think without a doubt I have post concussive syndrome, and as far as my health is concerned I think Marty was right when she kept telling me to slow down. I wasn't able to do it because I was sure I'd be working full time by the beginning of August and I thought if I wasn't back in my house, I might just snap in two. But what I've been reading about head injuries is all about rest rest rest. Not my forte.

So, I see my doctor, who - like most doctors - thinks concussions are nothing to worry about because they go away on their own. He will get my chiropractor's notes before my appointment, and I asked the chiro would he please please, along with his notes send my doc some recommendations to my doc about adjunctive therapies or treatments that would be medically sound and mainstream. Medical massage? I think my doc would write referrals if they seemed reasonable and medically logical for me at this point. I have also provided both of them with five pages of my day by day symptoms since day one of the car accident. Anyone have any ideas that would help headaches triggered by noise, light, stress, and neck tension? I guess the only solution for the fatigue is rest for the brain. Real rest.

 

[kayc]

It's hard when the person attacking you is a dear friend AND not in their right mind.  All you can do is dismiss it and try not to let it get to you...you know it's not true.  It just hurt me to hear your self-doubt, that's not what you need, what you need is TLC and understanding.  And rest!  Maybe really soft music, meditation.  There's a lot of good meditations here on this site in tools for healing section.  I love their soothing voices, very calming.

Massage is a good idea too.  

Most concussions go away on their own, but if it's to be taken lightly, why did my friend, when she was in a car accident and got a concussion, have to have an MRI?  Why did she get a hefty settlement because of her headaches?  Another friend has had neck pain since her car accident several years ago and got $22,000 settlement, not nearly enough for the pain and suffering she has, she eventually quit her job and retired early because she just couldn't function because of the pain!  They've put her on pain medications that have further messed her up, I think she needs pain management, not narcotics, but that's not what they've chosen.  I just don't think this is something to be taken lightly!  

I pray something (work wise) turns up for you that you will enjoy and be able to manage.  This has been a hard year for you, and I agree that it would have been too much for you to manage full time work especially with a long commute while experiencing all of this trauma.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay! I really appreciate your concern and comments.

[Clematis]

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon and hopefully he will be helpful. I'm going to ask him to refer me to medical massage and see if that is a good adjunct to the chiropractic. My doc is a good guy and very smart, but not particularly clued up about head injuries and soft tissue problems. Nevertheless, he is generally pretty good about going along with reasonable suggestions that I propose to him. Any ideas? 

I suppose the big one I have been ignoring has been rest and not worrying. That's a hard one for me...

[kayc]

Honestly, I'd be seeing a specialist, someone who DOES know about head traumas.

[Clematis]

Tough to do in a small town surrounded by other small towns - but not too close by. There is a dearth of services of many kinds. I had a good apt with my doc today. He is getting me a prescription/referral for medical massage that hopefully will dovetail nicely with the chiropractic to get my neck in better shape. He is also documenting that while not disabled or not competent to practice my profession, I am not currently able to work more than part time, which constitutes a loss in wages as far as the legal situation is concerned. I was able to get the dots connected between the PCP and the Chiro and the Massage clinic, which is the most mainstream massage place around, one that requires a prescription from the PCP and directives from the chiro, and will work with the insurance from the car accident. The atty was rather happy to see all that lined up. I figure it should make it easier for me in the long run to have connected the dots for them... And it takes a load off my mind. Maybe I can sleep and rest now...

[kayc]

I hope you can rest up!  I do understand about living in a rural area, I have to commute even to see my regular doctor!

[Clematis]

Yeah, it's tough in rural areas. I feel fortunate that the best doctor I have ever had - also was my dad's doc - is ten minutes from my house. I was also able to find a terrific dentist ten minutes in the other direction who is competent, caring, and funny. The chiro is less than five minutes from my house. But if you need a specialist, good luck and hope you can wait! For me, seeing a neuro if it's not really necessary could be dicey because it's likely that I will be fine before long. If they find nothing that may not look good to the atty on the other side, and if they do find something it could follow me around and make it difficult for me to work in the future. I am not at retirement age yet and need to get in some more years of work.

I am hoping that being in a rural area with a dearth of services will play out in my favor when I find myself in the position soon of looking for more work...after all, I am credentialed in two areas and could work as a school psychologist, counselor/psychotherapist, or social worker in a wide variety of settings. I could do all three for some small school district who might think my resume looked like a gold mine...or piece things together...or who knows what! I am trying to be flexible and not panic since that backfires...

Kay, how is your Kitty?