Falling

[Clematis]

The Association manager cc'd me on an email she sent to the rental agent from whom my horrible neighbor rents. The email requested that the horrible neighbor come to the next board meeting to discuss her repeated violations of five different rules, mentioning that the manager has extensive documentation of these violations. Indeed - I have sent her 63 emails in less than two months, most of which had photos attached. I was amazed. Finally something happens! I doubt the neighbor will show up at a meeting where she is obviously going to at least be berated by a group (the board of directors) with plenty of documentation of her infractions. But if she refuses to go, that will look worse for her.

[Clematis]

Everything fell apart with my helper and I am back to working on my dad's house alone. Not only did it fall apart but I ended up feeling hurt and betrayed by how that all transpired. I haven't been hearing my dad talk to me as much as I did at one time, but when all of that happened last weekend, suddenly he was right back at my side and I could hear him talking to me quite clearly again and frequently. I sure miss him, but it's nice to know he is still watching over me.

[kayc]

Laura,

I'm sorry things didn't work out as planned, but I'm glad you heard from your dad, I know what a comfort that can be.  I had some devastating news that caused me great anxiety once and I literally felt George with me, his hand on my back...the only time I've felt something that felt physical, but it meant the world to me.  I think they're here more than we realize.

[Clematis]

1 minute ago, kayc said:

 I think they're here more than we realize.

I think you're right, Kay. I really miss him, even though I feel him around me. Things have been so hectic with all kinds of pressing commitments, but now Christmas is pressing upon me and it feels so cold and lonely and meaningless. Even though we didn't do much special the ten Christmases he was out here in AZ with me, we were always together and I guess that's what the special thing about the holidays is all about anyway. But now Lena and I are alone without him... 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Clematis said:

Even though we didn't do much special the ten Christmases he was out here in AZ with me, we were always together

That is the very thing I miss the most.  It's hard, esp. because it's so permanent.   I'm glad you have Lena.  Nearly losing Arlie this week has been very very hard on me, all the more so with Christmas approaching.  I find Christmas doesn't matter in comparison, only having Arlie survive does.  (My sister had given me a present to put under the tree for my daughter, and she didn't tell me it had chocolate in it...he ate 14 pieces in their wrappers, I've been worried about obstruction and the toxicity of the chocolate made him very ill).  We took a trip to the animal hospital in the valley, about 60 miles from here, and got some medicine for the chocolate poisoning, but we have to wait and see what happens with the wrappers, they haven't passed yet but neither are they obstructing, although that could still happen.  The vet told me the signs to look for and if that happens, I'll get him in for surgery asap.  Sleepless nights and sheer terror!

[MartyT]

Oh Kay! Poor Arlie! I'm so sorry! Do keep us posted ~ and know that you're both in our prayers!  ♥

[KATPILOT]

Kay I'm so sorry to read about Arlie.  I hope things turn out well and surgery won't be required. My best hopes.

[Clematis]

Kay - I'm so sorry to hear about Arlie and the chocolate - that's awful. I sure hope he gets better and is ok!

I agree with you about Christmas - having our fuzballs with us is more important.

[enna]

Kay, keeping you in thought and prayers for Arlie's situation right now. My wish for him is that the cellophane leaves him body soon. 

[kayc]

During the night I'd left 2/3 stick butter to bring to warm temp. in the sink, far side...he got into it and ate about half of it, which is bad for his Colitis.  He woke me up at 1:00 am needing to go out to his pen in short order.  I checked on him during the night but he wanted to stay out, his system wasn't feeling good.  I still don't see how he reached it, but he can be innovative when it comes to doing things.  Today he's off food, I gave him enough pumpkin with a bit of white rice in it to get his metamucil and probiotics into him, that's it for today.  I'm going to make his system rest 24 hours before getting any food, so he's not going to be happy today.
Still no sign of the wrappers, he has indications (before the butter incident) that he's inflamed inside, I'll spare you the details, let's just say I've gotten good at deciphering a lot from the looks of his excrement.  I can only imagine how his insides are right now.  Lord, what a week!  And tons of snow coming today, tomorrow, etc. so my plans may be dashed.  I'm going ahead with frosting the Christmas cookies just in case I get to see anyone.
 

These are the kind I make, they're traditional in my family for several generations:

[MartyT]

Just keep 'em away from Arlie, Kay! 

[kayc]

You're not a kidding!  He's a handful and too tall for his own good!

[Clematis]

On 12/23/2016 at 9:28 AM, kayc said:

You're not a kidding!  He's a handful and too tall for his own good!

The cookies look great! How is Arlie doing? Did he get better? Hope so!

[Clematis]

I've been over at my dad's house sorting through more of his things. I really wonder if this will ever end. Some of it is getting easier now, but overall it's still overwhelming and I get stuck in things and am totally stymied. My credit union in Flagstaff is doing a special collection of warm items for people who don't have enough clothing to stay warm in the winter. I thought I'd go through what is left in my dad's closet and although did find some things to take to the credit union, I found it was harder than I thought it would be. Maybe that's why I put it off.

It is now a year exactly a year since my dad went so abruptly downhill and we both saw the writing on the wall that he was not going to be able to keep living at home because he could hardly walk, was incontinent, could not transfer himself, and so on. He was adamant that he did not want to continue if he couldn't stay at home and I tried SO hard to keep him going so that he could stay at home. A year ago he was at the nursing facility where I now take Lena - for five days respite - so I could figure out how to get some help so he could stay at home. I tried so hard but it was so futile and he was so weak it was just awful.

So here I was a year later going through the things on the shelf of his coat closet - things he hadn't worn since he moved to AZ because it didn't get cold enough. Leather gloves, cashmere scarves my mother bought for him, wool ascot hats, angora lined leather gloves... I remember him as a strong man out shoveling the snow, walking home from the train station, shoveling more snow and wearing those things. He was so strong and had enough energy for several people. I put my hands in those gloves and it is like looking at his hands.

Time is such a strange thing. Sometimes it seems like he was alive last week and sometimes it seems like it has been ten years. But whatever it's been it's still hard to believe that he's gone and he's never coming back. Except I can hear him talking to me, telling me that he's not really gone and he'll never leave me. Going through his hats, scarves, and gloves I kept wondering how crazy I really am to feel as I do, but I kept hearing him tell me that I should just do what I want..."Get rid of all of it if you want" and "If you want it you should keep it". I just want to see his hands in those angora-lined leather gloves, ready to go shovel the snow...

[kayc]

It is hard sorting through their things and knowing they won't be back to use them.

I could use George's help shoveling snow today, or what to do about my vehicle situation.  George always knew the answers or where to go to find them.  I miss him, so much.  Time doesn't seems to hold the same meaning when they're gone, whether it's been a day or years, it feels like both at once.

Arlie...he's better but not totally over it, it set off his Colitis and that is still showing signs of not being completely right, I just keep working at it.

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Time doesn't seems to hold the same meaning when they're gone, whether it's been a day or years, it feels like both at once.

Yeah, time is a weird thing. My dad was out here with me for ten years and I've been without him for almost exactly a year now. The year seems longer than the ten years most of the time, but sometimes the last year seems like a blip compared to the ten years, which seem like an entire little world. He missed my mother terribly and we both knew whatever time he was out here with me would be the final phase of his life, but we both made the best of what it was every day. Spending time with him alone outside of the craziness that was sometimes our early family life enabled me to make sense of things and to put a positive - and very different - spin on my younger years and even the years before I was born. Saying goodbye to him a year ago was like saying goodbye to all of that, since now the entire older generations that populated my childhood and youth are now gone.

Losing my dad has been so hard. I've lost by best friend and significant other of the last ten years as well as my father. He was the guy I adored as a child, the guy I struggled with but who stood by me anyway as a young person, and the role model I followed to develop my career in the mid part of my life. He was my biggest fan and the person who always wanted to hear everything I had to say about everything. I remember him telling me when I was a teenager, "No one will ever love you more than your parents do". Hard to tell what was really happening inside my egocentric mother, but that was definitely true for him. It's such a loss and hard to believe it's over. Well, maybe it's not all over - just the part where we both walk the earth together is over.

Going through his gloves and putting them on really hit me hard. It's like filling his shoes, but filling his gloves is so much more apt and powerful since he was so capable with his hands - playing music, building and fixing everything under the sun, writing for a living, and doing all of the things one does in life. I have his build, even without the gloves my hands look like his, I am so much like him in the ways I think and pursue things. 

Coaxing him out to AZ after my mother died was the best thing I ever did, and the only reason I got to know him. People used to see us together everywhere and I thought people idealized our relationship as more than it was, for their own personal reasons. But I think they were seeing more clearly than I because I was too caught up in things to have a good perspective. I sure miss him, and it still seems hard to believe how I will will keep on without him.

[kayc]

You had something with your dad that I never had with my parents.  I can see how you can miss him so much.

[Clematis]

Yeah, it really was something special, and a gift I never would have anticipated receiving in my life. Nor he! I don't think he ever would have anticipated having a daughter so devoted in the last decade of his life, helping him to preserve as much as possible in every way in his decline. It's what I would want in his position. I hope I am as fortunate.

So, it will have been a year this Saturday since my dad died. It has been a really difficult year and right now is a difficult time. I am still combing through my dad's possessions and it's still a mystery and a treasure hunt. On the one hand I think it's taken me a long time to sort through things, but then again I think it honors him to take time to carefully sort through the things that he valued enough to hold onto and to haul across the country. I may never know why many of these items were important to him, but I am learning things about him I never knew as I sift through his possessions. 

I arranged to get a storage unit today. I was starting to feel like I was in free fall trying to figure out how to dispose of what is left in my father's house before it closes in a month or so. My friend Greg was helping me today and we looked at a pile of boxes filled with papers/letters/ old mail. I commented that those boxes were probably 98% stuff that should be shredded or go into recycling. I have found some amazing things in boxes that were almost entirely trash. To me, it's worth the time and trouble.

[kayc]

That's the hard part about going through someone's stuff.  You never know where a treasure will lie!  I'm glad you have some help with this herculean task.

[kevin]

Laura, I went through all of Angela's files one paper at a time........I sorted into two piles, save and burn.....The save pile will be kept for another few years, then burn it also........Even taking last clothing to the Red Cross was tough.......Finally arrived at the point I'm changing some of the pictures on the walls.......this is a process 

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, kevin said:

Laura, I went through all of Angela's files one paper at a time........I sorted into two piles, save and burn.....The save pile will be kept for another few years, then burn it also........Even taking last clothing to the Red Cross was tough.......Finally arrived at the point I'm changing some of the pictures on the walls.......this is a process 

Thanks, Kevin. I appreciate hearing about your experience. I think that probably, like you, I will later get rid of things that I can't part with now. There have even parts of this process that I had people pushing me and I tried to hustle along, but most of the time I have proceeded at a pace that seemed right and doable for me. I felt afraid of my sisters' criticism in the beginning, because they thought I should be hustling along. At the time it seemed like feeling guilty, but eventually I realized it was fear of them trying some retaliatory action. But over time I felt angry about these sisters that did not care about him when he was alive and do not seem to care much about me now. There is only concern and interest related to his money.

Over time, they managed to hear my message to them that I had been told from multiple sources - had I followed their advice years ago and pushed him into assisted living, everything he had would have been long gone and there would not be anything left to squabble over now. And so I have done as I felt best. When he was alive, I helped him keep the best quality of life that was possible by helping him to remain living at home. Now I am going through his possessions at a rate that I am able. In a way, having had the car accident and head injury may have been helpful in a way because it forced me to slow me down. I regret any rushing I have done, but don't regret taking the time it has taken.

My family on both sides included people who saved a lot of stuff from generation to generation. Some of it is valuable by now, some is interesting, some is very sentimental and some is none of those things. Determining the difference is only part of paying respect to my family. Taking possession of all of it is awesome, as a responsibility and an honor. My father, my mother, their parents, and others have cared for and treasured these items for all these years. It's kind of amazing that they are now at my house. I used to have furniture from the Goodwill and Target, and now I have a Persian rug, antiques and furnishings that my parents carefully and thoughtfully acquired over decades.

It's hard to not know more about why people kept this or that, and I sometimes wish I had been able to ask him these questions when he was alive. But then I know him well enough to realize that he wouldn't have answered and maybe even couldn't provide meaningful answers to my questions. And he certainly didn't want me pawing through his stuff when he was alive. It is what it is...

[kevin]

I put together collages of Pictures in these picture frames for my Wife...Appears they all helped her memories, now going into the second year and my downsizing project, which ones do I keep and which ones do I surrender or throw out...these are 2x3feet, good size,...I am just starting this project and will offer some pics to her family and see what kind of response I get....don't expect much but hope to be surprised....Some furniture is difficult because  it has the History, but difficult to move on when the memories are so physical        . 2017 is my year of the downsize and changing/removing pictures on the walls......'Just sent the first text.....step 1

 

Edited January 5, 2017 by kevin
grammer

[Clematis]

Today is the one-year anniversary date of the last day of my dad's life. I seem to be having trouble putting one foot in front of the other, completing tasks, returning texts and phone calls, and so on. Last night I had one dream after another about my dad's house and trying to get the remainder of his stuff into storage before the house forecloses, and this morning I had trouble getting out of bed and keep crying. I had thought the one-year anniversary thing was going well, but I'm not sure. Maybe this is just how it is...

[kayc]

Laura,

I think the anniversary date is very hard, it always has been for me.  It'd be great to have a year where I'd forget it until it was over, but I'm not sure that will ever happen.  I was on line before you posted yesterday, was gone all day yesterday, so I'm sorry for the late response.  Arlie was having a horrid allergic reaction last night, sneezing constantly for nearly two hours last night, until I got four Benedryl in him.  I worried about him all night but he's better today.  You know how it is, being a mom.
Maybe you needed a day where you didn't have to be "productive" and could grieve as you would.  I'm glad you've made it through that date.

[Clematis]

Glad to hear that Arlie is better. It's scary when our fur babies are sick...

My dad died in the middle of the night and so which day is the anniversary date is a little confusing. Yesterday was the anniversary of his last day alive, but today is the date that I see over and over on his death certificate when I handle his affairs. Last night seemed like the time to observe his Yahrzeit with my friend Greg and his family, especially since it was shabbat and so we lit the shabbat candles, said the Mourner's Kaddish, and Greg made challah out of pizza dough. I came home and went to bed feeling like I was in free fall and might die in my sleep like my dad died in my sleep/his sleep a year ago. I don't know where I got the idea that I would die in a year or less after his death. But I am still alive.

I am not sure what the anniversary is supposed to be like or what I am supposed to do. I am Jewish but don't really know a lot about some of the customs since I am a convert and didn't grow up with it. Observing a Yahrzeit includes saying Kaddish and acts of Mitzvah in the name of the loved one who has died. I made a special visit to my 96-year-old new friend at the nursing home today. I am learning Turkish to talk to her - she doesn't speak English. Usually I bring Lena but today I brought her some mini raspberry strudels today and we shared them. She is now on hospice and I know her daughter is worried. Having gone through what I did with my dad near the end, I really feel for her daughter. It must be hard having her mother at a home for her safety, but where she cannot really communicate with the staff.