Pre-planning Your Emotional Response to Death

[MartyT]

Pre-planning your Emotional Response to Death...Ain't it Precious?

POSTED on Soaring Spirits International's blog BY ALISON MILLER ON MAY 25, 2016 READ ON HERE >>>

 

 

[enna]

Well, well, well ~ the best article I've read ~ ever!  I'm so glad someone told this person that you can't "pre-plan your emotional response" to your spouse's death!  How noble of her to think she could.  No sense in telling her, though.  She'll just have to figure it out if it happens.  I hope it doesn't because I'm sure the reality of it would bring her to her knees. I would never tell her to just wait until it happens - that would be beyond cruel . We need to better educate our society about the reality of loss. 

Thanks for the article, Marty. It stirred up an "emotional response" for me to keep educating others about the reality of death. 

[Margm]

I loved the response and obviously the person that preplanned the death has been taking way too much Tylenol. 

And the woman that responded, Alison Miller, I have read her before, but I think it was before Billy passed away. It had to do with the RVing.  It is night and the sun did not shine all day and this grief fog has had me searching the house for something I had a few days ago and cannot find.  So, I am gonna shut the wax laden brain down for the day.  

[mittam99]

Unless you've actually lost what we've lost you're clueless regarding the grieving process. And this woman truly hasn't a clue. They think they know. She apparently never heard the phrase "don't count your chickens before they're hatched". Or "don't assume because you'll make an ass out of you and me". She surely did an excellent job making an ass of herself!

[KATPILOT]

Alison has been an inspiration to me that she gave me courage to want to keep going. In a way of honoring her husband she travels the country in this pink car and trailer often sleeping on Air Force bases because her husband was military.  One day driving back from Tucson to Phoenix I came upon her driving along. The odds of seeing her and that trailer passing through Arizona were a million to one but damn did that make my day. She has courage, a lot of courage, though she wouldn't agree.  If you read enough of her weekly blogs, you hear the anguish she goes through just like we do.

[Guest]

I was  pondering this as I was out walking today, reflecting back on how I was so much better prepared to deal with grief prior to Deedo's death.  At that time my fear was that I would be lousy at grieving, after all, I had known many people who had died and can honestly say I really didn't grieve for any of them.  The sicker and weaker Deedo became the easier it was for me to recognize she was dying and I wanted it to be quick and painless for her.  So many times I would get up at 2 a.m. to give her some more oxycontin.  I would study her and by all appearance she looked  dead and I would so hope that it had been so quick and painless.  Sadly that wasn't to be.  I was with her when she died, she had been in a coma for two days; non responsive for two days but certainly agitated at times.  But I was ready.  We had a Celebration of Life for her 11 days later and for those 11 days I was a rock; a man with a mission, I had this.  On day twelve everyone left and for the first time in my life I knew grief.  It has been 10 months and I still know grief.  We all know grief.  Sadly the author of the message will some day learn grief.

[KATPILOT]

True Brad even if I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Well maybe my worst enemy. It's funny how we can have strength when we need to and then crumble when the task has been done.

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Unless you've actually lost what we've lost you're clueless regarding the grieving process.

Isn't that the truth Mitch.

[mittam99]

One other phrase that just popped into my head regarding that clueless woman planning her "grief journey"...

"Ignorance is bliss". She certainly exemplifies that.

Actually, I hesitate to say her grief "journey", sounds more like she's planning a "grief pit stop".

 

[kayc]

I "commented" on it but then it disappeared so maybe I wasn't supposed to.

[Margm]

Steve, I don't know where, but I have read about Allison.  It struck me because I just don't have the wherewithal to pull that 23 foot trailer.  Billy must not have expected me to be able to because he promised it to our son before he passed.  I just had too many memento's that I could not let go of.  We got rid of everything by 1997 and lived in the RV for about six years, it was our way of life.  It is still my way of life, but not without him.  I think I remember reading about Allison somewhere though and there was so much regret on my part that I could not be "man enough" to handle this.  I can no longer lift things, but I could have got a Class C.  I would still have the same things that got us off the road to begin with.  And here I am making arguments for a lifestyle that I wanted, but not without him.  If I had gone first I know he would have taken the RV, but would have had to stay close because of family.  Fact of life:  He is gone.  There will be no more RVing.  

For the record, I very much admire Allison.  I'm sorry, this "grief fog" makes me not remember when, where, or how I know this.  I used to follow RVSue and her Canine Crew, her blog.  She is about 67 and camps only where there are no other campers.  Most always in a wooded area. She is never afraid.  She is a retired school teacher and you can find her blog by just putting in RV Sue.  Now, she does have two dogs with her.  Tiny dogs.  She hooks and unhooks a Casita trailer (or one similar).

Okay, the fact is, I could not have done it.  I was not old till Billy left.  

And, it just dawned on me Alison is the Alison Miller that wrote the reply.  I hunted everywhere for her blog and could not find it with the address on the back of her RV.  She also is on Facebook.  

[kayc]

I didn't like the post but I liked the response/s.  I found my comment, it was on FB!  I didn't expect that, I thought I was just logging in through FB and my comment would appear on the site, oh well.

[KATPILOT]

Pretty small trailer Alison has to pull around Marge. I bet you could handle that one.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. I know there are a lot of people who will be having a hard time.  For them it is not just another three day weekend. And the rest of us simply owe a debt of gratitude.

[Margm]

I think I might have been able to handle a teardrop like hers.  Certainly a Casita like RV-Sue's.  When Billy left I became the "keeper of the flame" though and could not put all the things I wanted to keep in a small trailer or Class C.  We belonged to Escapee's for probably over 25 years.  There was one "old" lady who wore the moniker on the back of her ancient big John Deere Green Class A.  It was called "Drifting Snow."  Her last name was Snow.  She would enter a campground and the owner would park it for her and hook it up.  When we knew of her, she was already 84.  Somewhere along the line,  reading RV-Sue, or just listening to talk I heard of the pink RV.  And really, after three years, she still suffers like the rest of us.  I like her.

[Margm]

Something is happening to my computer/or this site where when I post there is a lot of room left between the post and the submit reply.  I am obviously doing something wrong and sometimes the posts go up and down by themselves.  We have a "Geek Squad" by some other name that I will have to have them clear things out and I have McAfee virus/whatever to keep away bad things.  Gotta get it checked out.

[kayc]

I didn't have that happen, and I don't think the site has a virus, I have protection, but when I tried to post it had a choice of logging on through FB , so I did that.  My comment seemed to disappear.  Later I found it posted on FB instead, I thought I was just logging on through FB, that's all it had said.

[kayc]

Oh, I see what you mean, you're talking about HERE, not the other site.  Yeah, I see the space.  Maybe it's the website and not you.  Really weird!  Have you mentioned it to Marty so she can have the geeks look at it?

[Margm]

I will message her now.  It seems to have quit doing it but have to get that fixed.  One post probably took up a whole page.

[MartyT]

All fixed now!

[Margm]

Marty, it started doing it last night.  I figured it was my computer.  Might still figure on that.  If it is, I will call the computer "fixers" that work on mine.  It seems okay now.  At one time the page would just go up and down.  Everything seems normal now.  I know nothing about computers except how to use a keyboard.  My favorite was the old IBM Selectrics.

[MartyT]

We are in the same boat when it comes to computers, Marg. Everything I've learned is because something went wrong and I had to figure out what to do to fix it. It's great if and when I have a youngster around ~ my grands can figure out anything! ~ but they're not always nearby when I need that kind of help. The provider of this message board (Invision Power) is pretty good about responding to my requests for technical support ~ thank goodness!

[Margm]

Mine are good to my requests too, but they may switch horses in the middle of the stream and three or four people might work on it.  Sometimes I don't feel any of them work on it and I pay extra $13.99 a month for this service.  Don't use it much.  Wonder why they could not have just said $14.00.  But then, I am the idiot that thinks they are getting a bargain for $13.99 instead of $14.00.