I feel lifeless...

[Muggs138]

This Thursday the 16th will be 9 months that my love passed away, and this past week for some reason has been one of the hardest yet.  I am not sure why this week is worse than any other

horrible days I have endured these past months since his passing, but it feels lately like a tidal wave keeps hitting me over and over again leaving me breathless.

I don't even know how to deal with this anymore...

 

[mittam99]

Muggs,

Sorry it's been hitting you so hard recently. I lost my wonderful wife Tammy back on March 6, 2015 and the tidal waves of grief still hit me. This is, sadly, the nature of grieving a beloved soul mate. I wish there were easy answers. The only thing any of us can do is face each day the best we can.

I see you've only posted a few times here. Posting here at the forum may actually be one of the most therapeutic things you can do. Where else will you find a caring, understanding group that truly "feels your pain"?

I hope you find some comfort in the days ahead.

 

[iPraiseHim]

Muggs,

If we could we would all take the pain away but we do not have that power.  My wife passed away on February 16, 2015 and I remember well the pain.  Some one told me then that the pain would lessen over time but I couldn't imagine it.  Coming to this forum, sharing when I can, listening to others, and find out the grief work that each of us needs to do to move forward.  Nothing in my life prepared me for such grief, pain, and agony.  I'm in tears now just writing about it. We grieve because we love deeply and the other half of us has been ripped from our life and heart.  There are things we can do even though we don't feel like it.  When you are able and ready, you are welcome to read many of our initial posts and find similarity in all of our journeys. 

MartyT, has some great resources and many others here.  You will need to find your way through just as each of us are trying.  We all fall down.  The secret is to get back up and try again even when you don't want to.  Please know that you are not alone.  We are al rooting for you and want to listen and encourage you.  Shalom - George

[enna]

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time right now, Muggs. It does not surprise me in the least. I didn’t understand those tidal waves either until someone mentioned that we were beginning to awaken from what we might have thought was only a horrible dream. One thing about our grief is that it comes in doses. This is about the time when reality sets in and we are seeing a little more clearly. We will have ups and downs (like a roller coaster ride) for the rest of our lives. So many memories will flash into our minds and when they do we need to remember that the love we had will always be there. We live now day-to-day and sometimes hour-to-hour. This forum gives us the support we need at this time. Kindness from those who come here helps us weather this tsunami.

Anne

[kayc]

Muggs,

I know there's nothing we can say that can take away the pain, but I hope it helps to know that we get it, we've all been there.  Eventually it will be more manageable than it is right now, we couldn't take that level of intensity forever.  

[Muggs138]

Thank you all for you caring words.  It does help me to talk about it on here.  I have been feeling like just giving up lately, the pain is that intense.

It was very traumatic for me the whole situation of his passing.  It was just him and I in our apt together when he had a severe seizure and he quit breathing.  I was never taught CPR so I panicked and called 911 and went and got my neighbor who helped do CPR til the ambulance arrived.  They could not get his heart beating again until they were almost at the hospital and when they did, it was to late, he was brain dead.

A month later we took him off life support and he lasted two weeks off life support.  So I watched him die once in front of me and then be brought back to life only to watch him wither away from no life support. I basically watched all his stages of his death, and I cannot get those images out of my head.

I feel very guilty, like maybe if I new CPR, or ran faster to the neighbor he would be alive. There is a constant battle of thoughts going on in my head from the second I wake up until the second I finally fall asleep.  My faith has totally been tested over all this, I don't even know where to start with that either.  

They diagnosed me with PTSD, and gave me a bunch of pills,and sent me to a therapist.  But I am finding out all the pills in the world will never heal my thoughts, they just mask them. The therapist helps, but as soon as I leave the office its like I was never there.

I find the only thing that helps a little bit is to talk to people that have experienced loss of some kind. Because lets face it we are truly the only ones that can understand each other .

  I know we are all going through the same kind of agony here, and that's why I came on to ty to get some helpful advice on how to keep dealing with this.

I thank you all for listening xo

[mittam99]

My Tammy died in a very traumatic way as well. We had just come home after a long hospital and rehab stay. I thought the day was going to be a good one and was setting up exercise equipment and cooking a special meal for Tammy. Then she started having trouble breathing and said I should call 911, and then told me not to bother because she must have caught her breath at that moment. A short time later, she was having trouble breathing again and I called 911 and they sent an ambulance. 

It all happened so fast and horribly after that. When the paramedics arrived, she wasn't doing well. Her vitals were failing rapidly. Right before they hastily put an oxygen mask on her she said, "help me... help me." She was so scared. And they whisked her to the ambulance. Those were the last words I heard her say. And the look of helplessness on her face will always haunt me.

I ran outside to find out why the ambulance wasn't rushing away. And to my horror as I looked in the back of the ambulance, I saw a man pounding on Tammy's chest with his fist and Tammy bouncing like a ragdoll. It felt like my life ended at that moment.

Tammy was gone before she arrived at the hospital.

And so my life with my perfect, beautiful and sweet wife Tammy became a new life of overwhelming sadness and grief.

15 months later, I still hurt. You never "get over" a loss like this. You do learn to cope to an extent and you learn to ride those grief waves a little better.

It really is a moment to moment existence. One moment you feel sort of "OK" and the next moment you're bawling and it feels like it did that first day. 

This grief journey is incredibly hard.

[kayc]

I hope you continue with the therapist because something they say might be effective someday.  And of course you're always welcome here, that's what this place is for, thankfully!

It's common for those who've lost someone they deeply love to feel a loss of faith, esp. in the first year or so.  It will likely come back.  Try not to worry about that right now.  My experience was that even though I'd always been an avid pray-er, even taught classes in it, I felt I couldn't pray the first year after my husband died.  I learned later on that God was with me all along, but I just couldn't feel anything, and it returned on faith (not feelings), but stronger than ever.  We try to make sense of all we've been through when we can't.  

You have been through so much, I'm very sorry, it had to be horrifying.  A lot of people don't know CPR, I took a class years ago but don't know how well I'd do at it...I broke the doll in the class.  And I can imagine it'd be harder to work on someone you love and are close to.  That's why doctors don't usually operate on their own spouse.

We never get over the loss, we never stop missing them, but it does eventually get easier to cope as we begin to adjust, and believe it or not, it may take a long time, but we get more used to our life...it's not how we wanted it, we may not like it much, but we slowly adapt.

There are tons of links and information on this site so I hope you'll venture all over the site in Tools, etc. and look up the information that is there, it's very helpful.

 

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry to read you had to watch death happen twice.  That would tear anyone's heart to shreds.  It is so normal to look back and think, wish or punish ourselves for not knowing or doing something differently.  But knowing that doesnt ease the pain.  Only time can and we don't even know how long that will take.  We also strive to reach a place knowing we did the very best we could at the time.  We loved this person, we didn't hold back every thing we were capable of doing.  I would have loved to have been the researcher that wiped out cancer, but I was not.

Pills and therapy may not feel it is working and maybe won't for you.  But I am glad you have access to support if a time comes you need it.  I often leave a counseling session wondering why I even went and then the next week it will really help me.  I think that is because it is scheduled and our emotions are not.   

Talking here you can do 24/7.  Marty never shuts the place down so anytime you feel lost and need to reach out, your in the right place.  You might have to wait for people to wake up (I'm a night owl so I know how that goes), but when they do, they will be reading and there for you.  

Im happy you shared what brought you here.  I'm sad you had to experience it.  As many of us feel, we wish we had some magic to give everyone back the life they once had.  If only we could.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that, Mitch (your post crossed with mine).  It helps that we can all share our experiences and know we're not alone in it.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Muggs,

I understand much of your pain and I feel for you.  Please, don't give up on living.

Marita

[iPraiseHim]

I watched my Mom die when she was taking off of life support.   I understand your pain.

It has helped me to come here to share, have other people care, and gently give me suggestions that help to cope with the loss.  When my wife died, the feeling of wanting to be with my wife and not living is strong.  But the fact is that we are to live each day.  Initially,  just learning how to breath, sleep, eat, and live is our job. Your faith is tested. " I stuck to God's promise, " I believe, Lord help my unbelief". Many of us get angry with God, question everything and try to figure out what we could have done better.  The circumstances may be different but the thoughts and emotions are similar.  Hang in there.  It helps me to write (journal) to my wife. I talked to her all the time anyway.  Just share what swims around in your head and you will find  comfort in sharing with the counselor, journal, this group.  We are here to listen and care.  Shalom - George   

[Muggs138]

Thank you guys so much for sharing you stories with me, I really appreciate it. 

I am so sorry for all of your losses and I only hope that all of us can find some kind of peace through all this one day... 

[kayc]

I talk to my husband all the time too, whether inside my head or audibly.  I don't know if/how much he hears, but on the off chance...besides, I'm used to talking to him.  I miss him more than everything!

[Muggs138]

kayc,

I find myself doing it everywhere. People probably look at me and think I'm nuts!

 Like I want to tell him things and show him things I buy or see I know he would like, and then I forget that he's not there.

[kayc]

It's okay to talk to him.  I don't know your beliefs, but I don't believe they just cease to be because they died in their physical form.  And who knows what they can hear or know, there's so much we do know and so much we don't know about afterlife.  If you find comfort in talking to him, that's what matters.

[mittam99]

I still tell Tammy I love her pretty much daily. Hope she isn't getting tired of me saying that!

 

[Gwenivere]

I wish I talked to Steve like I used to.  For some reason, I have become quiet on that front.  Maybe so long since I heard a reply and I so desperately want that.  It's been far too quiet for far too long.  I find myself 'think talking' to him.  But like Mitch, I do tell him everyday I love him.  The very worst is waking every day knowing I can't see him except in pictures and my memory.  Glad for them, but like Coke, I want the real thing.

[kayc]

It's amazing to me how much George is on my mind.  I told him Happy Birthday first thing when I woke up this morning.  I thought about what it would be like if he were alive and we could celebrate together.  

Mitch, I seriously doubt Tammy could get tired of hearing that!

[brat#2]

I don't talk out loud to Dale as much as I did in the beginning.  Like Gwen said, I "think talk" to him all the time though.  But talking to him either way is still talking to him and I hope that he hears me.  I don't know what I was dreaming this morning, but I was crying, I thought in my dream, and woke up actually crying.  I just miss him so.

Hugs to you Kay

Joyce