I don't want this anymore

[rdownes]

I don't want this anymore the hurt,the loneliness the feeling like I can't do it when I am not working all I do is stare at his picture listen to his music and cry, I feel like I can't breath without him yet I do. I feel I can't face another day yet I drag out of myself out of bed, I feel so empty and alone yet I have a family who loves me I feel like I am moving backward not forward everyday. I want time to stop I want no  memories without Kevin yet from here on out he won't be in any of them I don't want this anymore

[mittam99]

Robin,

None of us wanted this new life alone. There we were, minding our own business so to speak, living the life of love we wanted and in the blink of an eye, everything was turned upside down. From that moment on, we live in a different world.

It feels cold and dark and dismal. It's filled with pain and anguish, and we wonder how on earth we can continue living like this. But here's the rub... we humans have this built in survival instinct. Even though emotionally it feels like we'd rather not be here, we're programmed to keep on going.

And that's the challenge of this grief journey. Finding our way in a world we never wanted and somehow not only surviving, but thriving. It winds up bring a gut wrenching learning experience. Hopefully, what I've learned these past nearly 16 months can help you a bit.

You're still early in your grief. You wake up and everyday your world is filled with nothing but thoughts of your loss and how impossible the future seems. And that's understandable. You're husband was just taken away from you. One thing I've learned is to not think too far ahead. Yes, thoughts of today are incredibly painful but thinking of the future hurts even more. Just try to live in the moment. And just do the best you can.

You'll learn to do the "grief dance". There are different versions. Some days it's one step forward, two steps back. Other days, it might be two steps forward, one step back. And it might even be two steps backward and nothing more. It takes time. There is an ebb and flow to grief. I know it's hard to imagine what I'm going to say is true, but, it does get "better". Better being a relative term. Life will never be the same.

Because you're so early in your grief and because grief is so complicated and overwhelming, you need a tremendous amount of understanding and emotional support. Posting here is a very good start, and I'm so glad you're doing that! I also think grief counseling would be a real help to you. Just like you, I wasn't sure counseling would be right for me but I reached a point that I knew I needed outside help. And my counselor definitely helped me to an extent.

None of us ever wanted to be in a position where we had to join a grief community or post in a loss of spouse section, but, here we are. Continue to post here and please take care of yourself. Let your mantra simply be  "one day at a time". Members here will help walk you through this difficult journey.

Hugs,

Mitch

[KATPILOT]

Robin it's okay. It's okay to feel as you do and very understandable. It will lighten as time goes by. You are at a place I was once and I listened to Kathy's IPOD just if only to try and feel closer to her. It seems like torture but it's not the intent.  There was a line in one of her songs which said "I can't breathe, till your resting here with me". Good God how I related to that. Hang in there dear one. It won't always be this hard.

[Polly]

Robin,

What you are feeling is normal. Next week will be 8 months for me. In the beginning I used to think I was losing my mind. I still have trouble getting myself moving to do things. I just sit here and do nothing when I have so many things that need to be done. My 16 year old daughter yelled at me the other day for this. I know she was just trying to help me. We both hate this new life. My 24 year old step son doesn't come check on my anymore. I think it's just too hard for him to come over here. That hurts me but I do understand. He will come over if I ask him to though.

[CharKath]

rdownes,  I'm at 11 months and yes, life still sucks without my Charley. Its tough this new life. Didn't want it at all. But fate doesn't care about that. Right now im wrestling with guilt and regret. Crying every night, its hard to look at his picture even.  I have an awful time getting up mornings, but I do. I have livestock and they want their breakfast! The longer it takes me, the louder they get and then I wonder what my neighbors are thinking. I still have LOTS of bad days when I just want to give up and wish for death, but I'm still here. Mitch is right, were programmed with that survival instinct and so here we are, wishing we weren't, wanting do overs or another chance and crying our hearts out. I've heard it and read it before, the high cost we pay for being in love. Im sorry your feeling so bad. Try to hang in there, its a long winding road with ups and downs. I won't say it'll get better, I'm not quite there yet, but it is getting a bit easier.

[kayc]

Robin, 

I echo what Mitch expressed.  One day at a time.  I don't think of it as creating new memories without my George because he is still very much in my life, even if not in anyone else's.  He's on my mind when I wake up in the morning and continually throughout the day.  I talk to him in my mind (or out loud at times) and I feel I share my day with him that way, even if I can't get a response.  I know what his response WOULD be, and that has to be enough right now.  Sure miss him though...

[rdownes]

Even though I hate what brought me here I am grateful for everyone on this site, it's hard being in this world now, he was such a strong man he always had an answer for everything, it is just so hard because each day the loneliness sets in alittle more, my daughter found a voice message he sent her on here phone so now I have a voice to go with the pictures yet it only makes me sadder thank you to all for your kindness.

[iPraiseHim]

rdownes,

What Mitch wrote was spot on.  After 16 months, I still wonder how I've lived without my beloved wife.  Grief is another expression of our deep love for them.  I can only face each day as it comes.  By sharing here and journaling to my wife and just experiencing the grief is the first step in dealing with this.  For me as I grieve, I examine my feeling, my motives, and eventually what I am to learn and grow from this. I was in such shock for a long time and it literally took my breath away.  Initially, I could not listen to the same music, watch the same shows, go to restaurants, etc... gradually, by working the grief steps, I can listen to the music we loved, and I have learned much about how to integrate my wife's great character traits with my personality.  It takes time.  Be patient and take care of yourself.  Shalom - George

[Widowedbysuicide]

My heart hears your heart crying and I feel for you.