What did you do with the bed?

[deniz]

Hi,

I haven't been visiting here for a long time. The first anniversary of my girlfriend Z.'s death is getting close, like almost a month away. And I'm about to move into a new place, a nice one. After Z. was killed I had left my apartment, my stuff, everything but the clothes and some books. For almost a year, I've been staying in a very small room furnished with a single bed and a small desk only. I was kind of enjoying the plainness. Then I was kicked out (another story), and found this nice place. The thing is, I need to bring my old furniture now. I feel I'm even liking the idea of having a decent room again. But I realize that thinking about the bed scares me. I had, or have a queen-size bed in my old apartment. I had bought it when Z. and I were together and very happy. I had thought that it would be comfortable for us. And it wasn't, isn't a very large bed, but it was okay because we both are, were tiny people. As you can see, it was my bed, I had bought it and placed it into my apartment, but it was our bed actually. After she died, I did not sleep on it, not even once because I had left the house altogether.

Now, the idea of having to lay on that bed again scares me a lot. I'm afraid that the thoughts and memories will be too heavy to bear. Don't get me wrong, I can say I'm doing quite all right. But I still avoid things that would make me think of her. And I think I might have gone a little too far in that. Just yesterday, I changed my seat in a restaurant because the woman next to me was working on AutoCAD on her laptop, she must be an architect like Z. The black screen of the software was a lovely thing for me. I admired Z. working on it, proud to be her girlfriend, there used to be an excited feeling in me that told me about the happy days to come. And I didn't want to think about that yesterday. Now, think about the bed. Having to be reminded of everything that was lost, each and every night, to be felt on each part of your body. Also, I'm afraid that I'll feel like living with her dream forever. It's just intimidating. I thought about selling it, cutting altogether whatever ties I have to that bloody bed, losing its track forever. But I'm afraid that I might be trying to hide from something I cannot run away. 

That's why I came back here. I just wonder. Did any of you felt the need to get rid of your bed, did you resist it, what did you decide and how things turned out for you and your bed?

[mittam99]

Deniz, as is with everything in grief, this is a personal choice. I still sleep in the same bed I shared with Tammy. Since Tammy was mostly bedridden the last few years of her life, it feels like a place of comfort to me, knowing she slept there. I like to imagine she's right beside me. But again, everyone needs to make their own decision based on what feels right to them.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm very sorry for your loss Deniz.  I lost my husband of 36 years back in January so I can understand much of your pain.

I too have avoided certain places and things to protect myself from a major grief break down.  As far as our bed I have kept it and sleep in it each night.  I use the same sheets and pillows but I have changed the bed coverlet to something feminine.  We had a neutral cover before.  I want to paint the room to make it different as I feel the need to make it my own.  This is in a home that I own and so far it is working for me.  I am comforted by keeping the bed and using it as a place of remembering the good things in my life past and present.

I pray you can find genuine peacefulness in your life.

Marita

[Polly]

I still sleep in our bed. I still usually sleep on my side of the bed. When I roll over towards Rich's side of the bed, I usually grab his pillow and hug it.

[kayc]

I had a custom made bed for 40 years and have it still.  When my George died, I started sleeping in our loveseat recliner.  I say do whatever brings you the most comfort, but don't do anything permanent you might regret.  You might try new bedding, etc. to see if that helps.

[Gwenivere]

One of my hardest tasks is changing our bed sheets.  I always have to tend to that unused side.  We used to love new sheet day because it smelled so good.  Just not the thrill it used to be.

[Patty65]

Oh Gwen, I won't say how hard (impossible) it is to change our sheets. 

But the bed, I've slept in it from night one back in the house, it's been hard often, but it was and is still comforting in the hard, grieving kind of painful way things are in this alternate universe.  I spent a couple of nights on the couch when it was too hard at first, and that was worse.  It was our spot I don't want to give up, and it helps me feel close to him.  In fact, being in the bed is where I go directly from work, most nights since.  Someday soon I have to find something else I can manage at home.  All in due time I guess.

[KATPILOT]

On ‎7‎/‎31‎/‎2016 at 1:57 PM, Gwenivere said:

One of my hardest tasks is changing our bed sheets.  I always have to tend to that unused side.  We used to love new sheet day because it smelled so good.  Just not the thrill it used to be.

I relate to that so much Gwen. Kathy would always drag me to bed after she changed the sheets. The smell!   But the bounce sheet. OMG we had to find the bounce sheet or all was lost. Heaven forbid it would be trapped under them. Oh damn I miss that every time I do the sheets. Just one other thing gone forever but I make sure I find it.

It was hard at first but slowly I became comfortable in sleeping on her side. Now years later I switch from mine to hers each week. Keeps the bed even but perhaps it helps me feel closer to her.

[iPraiseHim]

Each person is different. In the last couple of years my wife was alive, she could not lay down in the bed.  She had to sleep in her LayZboy chair.  She couldn't breath in a prone position.  So I was already used to sleeping alone in the bed.  I always slept on my side until after she died. No I sleep in the middle of the Kingsize bed because each side is worn.  I'm thinking of flipping the mattress over but will need to buy a pillow top cover because it is too firm without it.

I do use "her LayZboy chair every day instead of mine .  It just feels comfortable to me and easier to watch shows on the computer I bought and set up to make it easier for her.  Each person needs to make their own decision as to what is right for them.  Shalom  

[Patty65]

19 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

It was hard at first but slowly I became comfortable in sleeping on her side.

I've thought about that.  It feels almost sacrilege to sleep there.  Then sometimes the thought comes that maybe it would be good to. Closer to him to.  Hmmm.

Patty