Surrealism

[Margm]

Surreal: of, related to, or characteristic of surrealism; of or like a dream; fantastic, hallucinatory, bizarre, etc.

I have TV, I have the same programs.  I watch what Bri wants to watch.  I have no interest in TV.  I have interest in my granddaughter.  I want my sister and two kids to be safe.  I have a terrible horror of ending up like my mom.  How do I stop this?  At what point do I see that I am headed down that road.  Will my animal instincts give me the strength to go off by myself and die?  I don't mean to purposefully kill myself, but just something to escape from the horror we had to see my mom go through.  My Billy did not choose his death, other than possibly the smokeless tobacco poisoning him to death.  

I go to bed in mine and Billy's bed.  Occasionally, not often, I feel his presence next to me, I reach and realize he is gone.  I get up from the bed.  I do not cry, I just get up and live.  If this is what we call living.  I think it is existing.  

There are things offered to help me.  I want no part of any of them.  I moved.  Something I was not supposed to do.  I do not miss my old home.  It was empty of Billy.  The apartment never had Billy in it, yet when I hear a door open or footsteps in the hall my first thoughts are of Billy, then I instantly move on.  I cry sometimes.  The sky hears my voice, it sees my tears, but no one else does.  I talk to clouds, I talk to the moon, I talk to stars, I talk when I am driving alone, I talk to the wind and the voice is carried away like leaves in an autumn breeze.  They are all to Billy, and now also to my mom.  My mom left a long time ago, but her shell remained.  I don't want to be a shell.  

One time I visited my mom.  In a haunted voice she said "I cannot pay my house insurance."  What!!!!  My mom never missed a payment.  My mom sometimes saved $500 a month.  Now it is gone?.   Like Billy said, if you die your worries and fears are over and it is placed upon the people you left behind.  My mom is gone now as I will be one day.  I am falling into the same trap she fell into.  I won't relate what all, but I have needy people in my family and a lifetime of being an enabler.  Mama never had to worry about me taking, but she always said my sister had no one to take care of her like I did.  She had to help her.  If I say "no" am I afraid of being alone?  Why can't I say just those two letters "n-o"?

I think sometimes that robbing a bank, being caught, sent before a judge and telling him if I am let go then I will do it again and again.  I don't think they send us to insane asylums anymore.  If they kept me in jail I would have no money to give, no life to live, the state to take care of me, friends and enemy's  Billy and I worked 80 years together.  Bette Davis was so correct, old age is not for sissies..  

I don't want pity, adoration, fear or any other adjectives, verbs or nouns. (I had to make this correction because I obviously do not know what an adjective is, thought I did.).  I wonder sometimes what would Billy do.  I don't have any answers.  In the over 54 years we were together we never really ever talked about dying.  Other people did that, not us.  We both were going to live forever........but we didn't.  .  

[rdownes]

Marg I think to some extent we all feel like a shell now without them,and I know right now I am just existing, one day I hope to do more but for me that is enough right now, when you post I feel a sense of strength in you, you give me hope, I know how you feel about needy people in your family and never saying no out of my seven five still live at home only one is a minor I still have so many stresses on me on top of Kevin being gone my son doesn't work and never has, I know tough love but that is not me my children have always come first I think we do need to learn to say no and put ourselves first sometimes, me and Kevin never talked about death to me he was my Mr. Invincible I don't think any of us have any answers, something's we will never know but I think we are all doing the best we can you are in my thoughts 

[Margm]

30 minutes ago, rdownes said:

but I think we are all doing the best we can

That is it in a nutshell.  We do the best we can.  I am just tired of worrying.  And, we are all shells of our former selves.  My mom was a true shell though, she did not live in her body, some strange foreign lady lived in it.  I pray I can escape that.  I always said I wanted to be "bored to death."  I don't think that will be possible.  I would like to go reading the new "Outlander" book, if she ever writes it.  I was given a chance to review her eight other books.  I said that I did not think 25 pages should be wasted on one sexual encounter.  Right below me on the list was a 74-year-old woman stating she especially liked the sexual encounters in the book.  Hmmm, I deleted all the books from my Kindle (they were 700-1000 pages long).  Maybe I will read them now.  
 

[KarenK]

Marg,

I have tried for years to avoid reality. It doesn't matter. In the end, it found me. I have not escaped time or myself. I now live with the ramifications of trying to hide from reality. I don't drink or use drugs. Instead, I found solace in gambling. It was so much better than facing the reality that I am alone, that my husband and child are dead. Reality was sitting in this house with it's silence and ghosts night after night. I lost most of my dignity and my mind. I escaped reality for a few hours each week. It has come home to roost. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit it.

For so many years, we lived like ships that pass in the night, nearby but never quite touching. Perhaps we should have gone our separate ways, but reality was too hard to face, so we stayed, sniping away at each other. I loved him. He was my life, yet his love dwindled away. His head was filled with untruths that destroyed us. That was reality. I miss his presence in the empty bed. I missed it even before he died. That was reality. Night after night, I relive the horror of the last several years, a reality I can't change.

Like you, I have been an enabler all my life. I cannot change that personality any more than you can. It is ingrained in us to take care of our families, no matter what the cost to us. My brain does not focus too much on getting older, but my body does. That is reality.

Living in fantasy is so much easier and less painful. At least until reality rears it's ugly head.

HANG IN THERE, GIRL!

[kayc]

Trust me, you do NOT want to go to jail, it's not like it shows on t.v. (I used to do prison ministry).

I understand your concern about developing dementia...I share that same concern.  But I figure what will be will be.  I keep myself active, that should help, there's still so much they don't know and they're learning all the time.  One thing I do know, those who get it, once they get past the stage where they know something's wrong, their oblivion is a protection.  My mom seemed in ignorant bliss.  Well not bliss, wrong word totally, but you know what I mean.  So if I stare at butterflies on the wall and don't remember who I'm related to or what happened to my husband, what of it?  Sometimes I think living harsh reality is harder!  You and I live that every day!

I think for you, Marg, the move was probably the right thing to do, and your not missing your house is proof of it...you are in tuned to yourself and what you need.

You're smarter than the average bear!

[Gin]

Karen,

Reality stinks a lot.  The reality of being alone is hard to take.  I hate it.  Even harder for you with the loss of your husband and daughter.  No need for embarassment or shame.  We all are struggling .

Gin

[Margm]

One thing we all have, we are all naked in our pain.  We share.  I hate that saying that misery loves company, but sometimes people understanding same misery is appreciated.  None of this life seems real.  It is not real.  As far as old.  I was not old with Billy.  All life was possible.  All things were possible.  I let myself go and do not care what I eat, as long as it is on the diet plan that will eventually make life shorter.  I've lived a long time.  Some things I cannot change.  I just do have to protect myself.  I don't know how to do that.  Billy knew how.  I have to learn.  I hate teaching an old dog new tricks.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit it.

Nothing is shameful on here.  I took prescription biphetamines in the 1970's for seven years.  They helped me work the midnight shift at the hospital, but they also make you very friendly.  I was friendly enough as it was.  They were so very hard to get off of, it took years.  Sometimes I think they burned up some vital brain cells.  (I don't miss them), (The brain cells either) and if I took one now (illegal) it would kill me with just the fast heart rate.  We all do things we regret.  The thing is, if I could live my life over I would not change a thing except maybe grab a baseball bat and beat the hell out of Billy every time he had that nasty snuff in his mouth.  Might not have changed a thing.  Sometimes though, I think it would have been easier if he had left me for some other woman that might have saved his life.  Hey, my mom lived to be 95 on cigarettes.  She said they were her friends.  She sure did not have human friends, so maybe they were.  We learn some things along the way but losing Billy only taught me empathy and grief.  I could do without both of those.  

[Gwenivere]

We all have things in our past we regret or ashamed of.  Cocaine is ours.  Seduced into that world in the 80's.  But I can't change that and it is done and over.  I'm grateful I was young enough to physically survive times that would be a death wish now.  It often created friction with Steve even tho he was doing it too.  I was more hard core.  Karen, you have been honest in how you handled things and while they may haunt you, I hope it brings some relief to at least speak of them.  We can carry guilt forever if we choose to.  I think about what you went thru losing your whole family and can understand the need for an escape for those ghosts that linger.  All of us here are missing one person, you have the weight of 2 of the hardest.  Reality is indeed so hard now for us all.  I hate coming home in the evening knowing the long hours ahead and that I get to do it all over again tomorrow.  Some days I just want to run off to some fantasy place and leave all the memories behind and forgotten.  It gets so bad that I would leave my dogs because they are reminders.  Talk about feeling guilt as they love and need me.  Sometimes reality just weighs too damned much.  As our bodies fail, too, the struggle gets harder as we face that alone.  I saw an older couple walk by the housectoday and got angry.  Not at them, at life.  About the impermanence of it and it plays by its own rules.  We're just collateral damage in the big picture and it doesn't care.  Well, there's a flow off words.  

Inthink I am learning from you, Marg, to just let them flow.  See where they lead.  Out in he world I have to act sane.  What a chore!

[Gin]

Gwen,

how are you feeling?

[Gwenivere]

I'm still not %100.  Still lose my breath easily.  Supposed to get X-rays tomorrow to make sure things haven't gotten worse.  Ya know, I need things to do to stay occupied, but medical stuff is never on my list.  .  

Thanks for asking, Gin.

[Gin]

Gwen,

i had breathing problems and I had a chest XRay, echo stress test and lung function test.  Nothing.  I had been taking ibuprofen for knee problems, which evidently irritated my stomach, causing bleeding.  No symptoms of that.   Loss of blood caused severe anemia, thus the breathlessness.  Stopped pain killers and had to take iron.  Just starting to feel better.  So hard to do these things alone.  At least Al did not have to be alone thru all his problems!  Wish you well with the tests.

Gin

[kayc]

I'm sorry either of you are going through this alone, it seems so many are having health issues and I'm glad they had us there for them but it really sucks that we have to face everything alone.  I hope you both get better soon!

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Out in he world I have to act sane

Nah, if you do it right you can be crazy out in the world too.  I had a supervisor once tell me "You know Marg, you really are insane, but its a nice insane."  I think she meant I was not a wild woman with scissors or knives.  And, Gwen, I hope you are feeling better.  

My friend's mother lost her first husband, loved her 2nd husband, and loved her 3rd husband.  They all passed away, but after that last one Alzheimer's took her.  Her daughter is on her second husband and after 11 or more years, her 2nd one is barely hanging on.  Following in her mother's footsteps.  You look at them and you wonder if it is possible to love someone else.  And no, it is not possible.  Even if it were, would you want to go through this again?  It's true, life is a bitch and then you die.  But, we had fun a bunch of years.  And, a thousand times a day I tell Billy that I cannot believe he left me.  

And tomorrow is granddaughter's counselor, next day is my daughter's counselor and funeral home puts Mama's cremains right beside Daddy and the dates are all filled in.  Also told my uncle that yes, Billy and I will take the plot behind my mom and dad and I will put a stone up for us.  He is old fashioned, so yes, I am going to put Billy in with all my kinfolks.  After 54 years, they were his too.  Besides the cemetery is beautiful, my grandparents and my great grandparents and besides, what can Billy say?  I guess it is nice to know you have somewhere to go. 

Gin, I am glad they found out what was causing the problem.  Just today I read that the non-steroidal anti-inflammatories were good to help slow down or ward off Alzheimer's.  Guess what, I cannot take them either.  Only Tylenol.  You remember what Tylenol does, it makes a person less empathetic.  Okay, I am.  

Anyhow, hope everyone feels better.  

[KarenK]

Thank you all for understanding. Yes, it helps a bit to speak of it, although this is not an appropriate place. I truly have no one left to talk with. My mother and daughter were my confidantes and they are gone. They lived it with me. I would never "speak ill" of my husband to our son, although he is aware of some things.

Gwen and Marg, I somehow missed out on the drug scene although I lived the "Woodstock" era. Ron and I did a bit of drinking in the early 70's, but lost interest. I'm glad because he was a "mean" drunk.

It is 3 AM, but I'm not tired. Since I'm awake, I did something constructive.  I watered the lawn. Could see pretty well by the moon. Glad no neighbors are awake to send the men in the white coats.  lol

[kayc]

Marg,

What's weird is anti-inflammatories are good for that but bad for other things.  It's a balancing act and in the end, something will get us.  I'm sure this is a poignant time for you, thinking about plots.  Yes, Billy belonged with your family after all this time.  When it comes down to it, George belonged with mine too, not for length of time, but he handled my mom better than anyone, even her kids, and she loved him most, but in the end she didn't remember him, dementia stole that away.  Oh well, he belonged with me for sure, and I have his ashes with me, right in the back yard.  It's where I want mine scattered someday too.  This is the place he felt most at home in his whole life, his "home in the clouds" as he called it.

Karen, you can talk with us, any time, message or post, we're here.

Gwen, let us know what you find out about the x-rays...will they tell you today or do you have to wait for them to pass them around and let you know later?

[Margm]

Kay, my dear uncle would hear of nothing else.  His kids are going to be buried somewhere else.  He is an old fashioned Baptist.  Football scholarship to college and then a coach for many years.  Good man, sometimes comes across as arrogant, but he is okay.  The type that has had to learn that his way is not the same way all people want to travel through life.  He is one of the greatest generations, so he wants to be buried, wife wants to be cremated.  (I'll let them argue that one out), they have been married 64 years.  

I learned something today.  (Hallelujah).  This came from my son.  I was not simple like Billy (not simple minded, just accepting what he could see).  He said he would believe in ghosts if he saw one.  I have never seen one, and this does belong in the surrealism topic.  

All my life, even as a child and teenager I have been "haunted."  Not by certain haunts, just very uneasy, arm hairs standing stiff kind of things.  Does not happen all the time.  My mama's house is one of those places, always has been.  They built it so no one else ever lived in it.  But, there was so much negativity in that house, even when no one but myself was there, that I never could stay in it.  A room in my grandma's house, I could not go into it.  They had built the house, so I don't understand that one.  A house off the Buffalo River that was on the historic farms list.  I went inside and came directly out.  I could not get away fast enough.  Going up Signal Mountain and hearing the voices of people that obviously to the naked eye were not there, that really did not haunt me, but it happened.  Then we went to a mountain and were going to park the RV on BLM land.  I had to leave.  Beautiful place, but it was haunted by something.  

My son explained it to me.  My mom and sister have so much negativity in their lives now and before that the negative energy drives me away.  My aunt's house.  She has always been so negative about everything that I cannot be comfortable in her house.  

So, I am haunted.  Scott always said I was psychic because I would say something had happened before anyone had told me.  To me, that was natural because I expected things to happen ahead of time because I knew the people playing "the game."  Not psychic, probably psycho.  

I am not haunted by Billy.  Nothing negative about him.  He was not perfect, our first part of our marriage was totally negative, lots of trouble, lots of water under those bridges.  Yes, he was a good man before he passed away.  He is not a saint now, although I think God might give him a pair of wings for putting up with me for so long.  Daddy will be the one to tell God that Billy needs wings.  

This actually made sense to me.  So in real life, we do inherit something from our children besides insanity.  

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I'll have to wait til my doc looks at the X-rays.  Hopefully by tomorrow.  

[Gin]

Gwen,

any news on your XRays?    I had another blood test.  Will not know until Monday.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

On August 16, 2016 at 3:32 AM, KarenK said:

Thank you all for understanding. Yes, it helps a bit to speak of it, although this is not an appropriate place. I truly have no one left to talk with. 

It is 3 AM, but I'm not tired. Since I'm awake, I did something constructive.  I watered the lawn. Could see pretty well by the moon. Glad no neighbors are awake to send the men in the white coats.  lol 

Karen, this is the most appropriate place, IMO, to talk about anything that is affecting us or comes up in the grief.  The having no one left to talk to is the hardest.  Yes, we do talk to some people about some things, but that foundation of knowing there is someone you can talk to about anything at any time is a true test of sanity.

i go to bed about 4:30am.  My neighbors are used to goings on in the wee hours.  I've never watered, but I have gone shopping in my garage or taken the trash to the street.  Actually I kinda like wandering around in my nightgown.  I drag thru the day even tho I get my sleep til noon because I seem to be more comfortable when the world is asleep since I don't really fit anymore.  I want to, but not to be at this time.  It was also the hours Steve and I lived for years so very much habit.  It's rare to find another extreme night owl.  Never got into that 'let's do lunch' thing.  Days were for shopping and taking the dogs to the park.  Things I don't do now because of physical limitations and not needing much food to chase the sales which was my fun game.  Now days are medical issues and apts. and after years of that with Steve, the last thing I want to be doing.  I miss us just having the day pass easily and the real interactions begin late evening.  Often he would stay up longer than me to work on his music which is a sound I miss terribly.  

My, I do babble.  

[Gwenivere]

Gin, X rays look stable.  Have to do them again next week.  If they haven't improved my doc is talking surgical intervention which is NOT going to happen.  Docs don't take into account what we can mentally handle and that the grief plays a tremendous role in if we care or are motivated to try extremes.  It's like they think I am making it up when we say I have no one to take care of the dogs or being alone for procedures is more than I can handle.  I barely handled the ER for hours.  Possibly 2 nights as a prisoner in the hospital?  Alone?  Feh.

[Gin]

Gwen,

know what you mean.  Right after Al died, the ortho doc wanted to operate on my knee.  I refused.  No one here to help me.  Are we really a good surgical risk when we are grieving?  I don't think so.  They just do not understand.

Gin

[brat#2]

Gwen, well at least it is stable and not getting worse.  I will keep wishing for improvement.  I completely understand about not wanting to have surgery right now, that thought scares the crap out of me!!!  Oh by the way, babble on, this is the place to do it, we all understand.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

On 8/16/2016 at 3:32 AM, KarenK said:

It is 3 AM, but I'm not tired. Since I'm awake, I did something constructive.  I watered the lawn. Could see pretty well by the moon. Glad no neighbors are awake to send the men in the white coats.  lol

You sound like me!  I couldn't sleep the last few nights so I went out (in my nightgown) and touched up rock chips on my car with paint...had about 50 of them from the failed road surface they put in on the highway.  No telling what the neighbors thought if they woke up in the middle of the night and saw me!  I don't care, that's why I live where I do!

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

go to bed about 4:30am.  My neighbors are used to goings on in the wee hours.  I've never watered, but I have gone shopping in my garage or taken the trash to the street.  Actually I kinda like wandering around in my nightgown.  I drag thru the day even tho I get my sleep til noon because I seem to be more comfortable when the world is asleep

You too, huh?  I usually go to bed reasonable hours but wake UP super early...I love the middle of the night when the rest of the world is asleep!