Frustrated & Annoyed...When does it end?

[Brianna]

It's been days now & I'm still in this negative space & I hate it!! I keep trying to start my days off on a positive note & then BAM like a thunderstorm it all comes raining down. I can't stand it! All the lies, all the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the loneliness... I just want to have one good day, one day where I can belly laugh without pangs of guilt & sorrow for laughing & being momentarily happy & thinking about the world of crap that is now my life. I don't want to think I love him but... anymore. I love him so much but was everything a lie? How can this happen? Why....? I don't know how much more I can handle. How can God keep putting so much on my shoulders? I'm on my knees begging for relief, I can't... I can't take anymore... this is too much... I need some support, I can't handle all this on my own. I keep trying to be strong but its just too much. I pray & scream & cry & do my grief workbook & go to therapy & group but nothing helps.... what else can I do?

[MartyT]

Brianna, my dear, you ask "what else can I do?" All I can tell you is to keep doing what you are doing, one moment, one hour, one day at a time ~ and as trite as it sounds, remember to breathe. We are here to listen, to care, to sit with you and to support you in your pain ~ and to remind you that you are not alone. 

An excerpt from Nan Zastrow's article, You've Got the Power -- How to Know If You Are Doing Your Grief Work:

Many people who grieve deeply believe that grief is passive. They believe grief will just resolve itself over time. Others search aimlessly for a cure. They want to believe there is some magic potion their physician can give them that will cure the pain, forever. Some grievers expect that someone will set their minds at ease by saying the exact, perfect thing that will help them accept their loss. Perhaps their clergy or a spiritual advisor will say the magic words that will help them trust in God to heal their wounded heart; and help them move on. But more prevalent still is the belief that some morning on waking up, the griever will be miraculously over whatever it is that ailed them this long.

But grief isn't like that. It doesn't just go away. And, no one ever told Gary and me that we had the power to heal our own pain. Like other grievers, we wanted that magic cure. The painless effort. The simple answer. The quick fix. What we found, instead, was that grief was "work"-and only we had the power to heal our own grief. 

What is grief work? Read on here

 

[mittam99]

Brianna, I think you're doing all you can. The thing is, this isn't something that quickly goes away. Grief is complex and it's painful. You're only three months in.

Last June when I was at three months into my grief journey, it felt like the walls were closing in and the world outside was a cold, uncaring place. It felt like I was living in a different world. And I was. I was missing that special person that made everything better. I wasn't sure I could take all the agony of this life alone.

Now at 18 months, while I'm still in pain from the tragedy of losing my bride Tammy, I'm in a different place. I can see things in better perspective now. 

It just takes time. And slowly the pain will give way to some sense of peace and comfort. 

[Brianna]

Wow Marty that was amazing... I look forward to sharing that with my group. Thank you, I needed that so much ::sigh:: I didn't realize I was already doing some of those, thank you for giving me things to look forward to & work on. Thank you so much for the support, your wisdom is always so comforting. 

Mitch, I feel the same way... Its so hard. I miss him so m u c h... Everything reminds me of him & I think people are sick of hearing me whine about it but I don't know what else to do... I have moments of clarity sometimes where I have a better perspectives on things, followed by a swift kick in the pants that brings me right to my knees. Praying for God to please help me, comfort my pain. My birthday is coming up & I could careless, I wish it would just go away. My Mom is talking about the holidays & it makes me sick to think about them but I never know when it could be her last. Everything is so overwhelming.

[Patty65]

I have no idea for how long -- but how can we not have it on the forefront of our every thought?  It still is for me.  All around me all the time.

One day about a month ago, I let my business partner take me to this place called "The Sacred Garden".  It was to do a full moon labyrinth walk in a giant labyrinth.  We didn't end up staying for it because there were too many people and I started losing it a bit.  But before I did, I noticed that every time I tried to open my mouth to say something about the evening or event or place, the sentence was going to begin with "Ron..." or end with his name, or be about him or whatever.  I could not be in that moment, maybe because I am still in his, or our, moments.  I finally zipped my mouth closed and just listened, nodded, and struggled through one of my first "social" events.

The details paramount in my mind are sure to be mundane to others who do not understand how all-encompassing this loss is.  The pain and endlessness is so maddening, but I'm told if I get mad at being miserable and grief-stricken and in pain, then who am I really hurting?  Only myself, and none of us don't deserve any more hurt.  We don't even deserve this hurt.

[rdownes]

Brianna I am so sorry it is so bad right now I understand I am only a month further than you. So many times I have cried out I can't do this anymore. I can't take this anymore I want this nightmare to just end I want my Kevibn back. I truly wishthere was something magical I could say to make your pain go away to make everyone's pain go away,none of use wanted this but it is the price we pay for loving someone so much I would never trade this pain for anything now though because if I did I would never of been blessed to of had Kevin and his love I was lucky, you will find your way it takes time. Scream cry,vent whatever it takes to get through those hard times, I am learning that for me sometimes it's all I can do and it won't last, I try to remember his love and how he would not want me with him, he would have traded his soul to the devil to keep me safe.Even if you need to deal with things one breath at a time you will get through this at your own pace and hopefully find your peace. Grief will keep knocking us down over and over again all but I believe that  if we hold on to their love and memories we can get back up my heart truly goes out to you HUGS Robin

[rdownes]

Brianna you are so right life can be so overwhelming holidays and special days will be hard. I have only dealt with first Father's day that was hard I spent most of the day crying but got up the next day realizing I made it through , I told my family about a month ago I would not be celebrating Christmas this year, but now I am thinking I will wait and see what happens I realize that until I pass away I will only have Kevin here in spirit and in my heart these days are gonna be here every year whether I want them to or not so I will just wait and see what happens you do what you feel is right for you and just explain it to your family.

[Brianna]

Patty, I've had to do the same thing. I feel like every sentence starts off with is name or is about him so I just shut my mouth & then get secretly obsessive about the silence. That's why I find myself isolating because then I feel guilt about that too...  

Robin, Thank you your support means a lot to me you're always here. Why can't there be this magic anything we can do every once in a while just to get a little relief. I feel the body can only handle so much... I am so sorry Father's Day must've been hard, My SO wasn't a father but I felt pain for his father & missed out with my own in my grief. I have also told everyone no on the holidays but I don't think they believe me. The holidays are my favorite time of year but we just got so many things together, I can't look at them or unpack them yet. Just thinking of them makes bile rise, it kills me. Like you said I'll just wait & see... I can spin it into a positive & do it to honor him... I dunno...

[rdownes]

It does get overwhelming and can consume our entire being I remember one night I somehow just told myself I need a break I told Kevin I love you but I can't do this tonight so I just watched West Side Story you see I was so consumed with looking at his photos,listening to his music I was scared of losing his memory.I still feel sad,and lonely and miss him like crazy but is has become easier for me in that it doesn't consume my whole day anymore somehow I am adjusting to him being gone I don't like it but I have no choice I can't have him back so I am just trying to hold onto his love and I keep trekking forward toward finding a sense of peace and yes you could definitely turn holidays to a positive and honor him  I am now feeling that I have learned so much in losing my Kevin,my life is a gift not a given, I have learned that I need to let go of anger and try to help people even in his death my Kevin has brought me life.

[Brianna]

Thank you for sharing that with me Robin & I hope I can get there too, I try to watch TV but someone suggested I watch Grey's Anatomy & I do nothing but cry while I watch it & now I'm so sucked in how can I stop? So every once in a while I sneak in a comedy but it doesn't make me laugh, I hope I can one day because I love my TV & Movies & I spend so much time looking at our photos & listening to our music & crying & talking to him/screaming at him that it would be nice to have a real break from all the emotions alone & just laugh. 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Brianna said:

It's been days now & I'm still in this negative space & I hate it!! I keep trying to start my days off on a positive note & then BAM like a thunderstorm it all comes raining down. I can't stand it! All the lies, all the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the loneliness... I just want to have one good day, one day where I can belly laugh without pangs of guilt & sorrow for laughing & being momentarily happy & thinking about the world of crap that is now my life. I don't want to think I love him but... anymore. I love him so much but was everything a lie? How can this happen? Why....? I don't know how much more I can handle. How can God keep putting so much on my shoulders? I'm on my knees begging for relief, I can't... I can't take anymore... this is too much... I need some support, I can't handle all this on my own. I keep trying to be strong but its just too much. I pray & scream & cry & do my grief workbook & go to therapy & group but nothing helps.... what else can I do?

Everything you are feeling is to be expected under the circumstances.  I doubt everything was a lie.  People don't like to let on things that they're ashamed of or feel guilty for, so they put on a front to protect the relationship or your thoughts of them.  I know I hate to be lied to, that's what broke up my marriage with my kids' dad (23 years), he never got real with me.  In the process I've learned a lot since about how different guys' thinking is from ours.  I just wanted him to get real with me, open up to me, but he never could.  That didn't mean he never loved me, but he just never showed it and I never felt it.  I am so sorry for all of the pain you are in, I wish I could take it away.  I can't do that but I can tell you it won't always feel this way, this level of intensity, this degree of pain.  Even your questioning.  You will get through this.  (((hugs))) 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Sometimes it is enough of a struggle just remembering to breathe.  Focus a little more on caring for yourself as it will help you deal with each moment of this journey.

[Brianna]

Thank you KayC :: hugs :: its just so hard when you start questioning you begin to question everything. I'm trying not to get in my head too much & just accept things for what they were. He was sick & there was nothing I could do or say to make him better, no amount of love couldve helped but I gave him good years & happiness so that means so much in the grand scheme of things I guess...

Yea Marita it is, sometimes it feels like the elephant in the room is sitting on your chest & you have to remind yourself to breathe... I'm trying to take extra steps today to be more mindful & try to have a better day. I hope you do too :: hugs ::

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Brianna said:

He was sick & there was nothing I could do or say to make him better, no amount of love couldve helped but I gave him good years & happiness so that means so much in the grand scheme of things

Print that out and read it when you begin to doubt again...