Talking Heals

[mfh]

Anne, good for you for sharing. And you are right, that is not whining. You are surrounded by a loving circle. I totally understand the predicament you find yourself in...seemingly poor quality of life vs death. Let us hope and pray this new team can find a way to improve your quality of life. You have experienced a great deal of loss...Jim and your health...all within a short period of time. You need us..the group and I just know we are all here for and with you.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Good night, Mary. Do you have your shoes by that chair for when you get up??? Thank you for your call earlier. I love how we can be just friends. I would 'fear' having you as a therapist!!! kidding.....

[mfh]

Now now Anne, be nice! No shoes. No slippers. No sleep. Wide awake again. Hope to sleep some tonight. Yes, Anne,just friends...

Mary

[enna]

I know rules have not ever been your 'thing' but it really is important for YOU to wear shoes. You could have cut your foot!

Nice is my middle name, Mary. hee heee

[Wifflesnook]

Anne keep sharing. I feel your frustration and I would feel the same. The whole thing is SO UNFAIR! The adjustments you have had to make seem far beyond what you should have to do, and I know you just want to be quiet, grieve and try to heal. We are with you in love. Jan

[KarenK]

Anne,

Being a "newbie", I did not realize that you were having problems with your heart. I just want to tell you to take care of yourself. Take that Lasix. I know all too well what could happen if you stop. The getting older and not being able to do all the things we once did is definitely a downer. "The heart is willing, but the body ain't."

Although I do not appear to have a heart problem, I have had high BP for many years. I take 100 mg Atenolol, 20/25 mg Lisinopril HCT, a garlic pill, and an 81 mg Aspirin each day which controls it to a liveable point. I did have an EKG, Echo, & stress test last year and all results were acceptable.

I'm sure the techs had their laugh for the day during my stress test. Nobody told me not to wear cowboy boots for that one. I'm sure I sounded like an old mule clomping along.

Your Friend,

Karen

[MartyT]

This thread is so appropriately named ~ and you've all been here long enough to know that "talking [writing!] heals." So does listening with empathy and compassion. As does meditation / prayer. We are all in this together, dear ones. I am so sorry for all the health issues plaguing each of you, and I'm sorry that your soul mates are not here with you in a physical way to care for you and see you through these frightening times. You have every right to be angry, scared, and sad as you face whatever lies ahead. I hope it gives you some small measure of comfort to know that we are with you in spirit, just as your soul mates are here with you in spirit, surrounding you with light, and faith, and hope ~ but most of all with love . . . ♥

[feralfae]

Dearest Anne,

First of all, your can say more with four smiley faces than some people can say with ten times that many words.

Thank you for the updated report on the medical adventure, as Doug and I called his adventure. I cannot say I know how tough this is for you, because I am not in your (or dear Karen's! -- Hi! Karen,I hope we can visit more as soon as I get my feet back under me a bit more balanced.) cowboy boots. But Anne, you still need to come to Montana and sit on the deck and enjoy a cup of Mary's Evening in Missoula tea while we watch the clouds drift and shift in the light as they are blown by the prevailing winds across the Continental Divide. You still need to do so many things, and we all want to see you enjoying life again.

I know there is the alternative of MM for high blood pressure. I have no idea how you go about getting a prescription for that, but I do know it is used extensively, reasonably, in many countries because it does not have negative side effects. Your mileage, as they say, may vary. I have several friends in Europe and China who use MM for HBP.

I have not done much reading on congestive hearts. I do know that every day there seem to be more and better healthier alternatives to corporate medications which have severe negative side effects requiring more corporate medications.

Keep on talking here with us. Stay close around the fire, and we will serve cool drinks to keep you cool. Remember that doctors - MDs -are just one set of people with one set of knowledge. Naturopaths, herbalists, and others may be able to offer you some alternatives. I wish I could be more help, but I am sort of in coping mode and then heading in next week so maybe we can figure out these latest nerve jumps going on in my body. My personal hypothesis is that some of the nerves that had been declared non-functioning permanently are coming back to life because I will not give up walking and exercising. Ha! I love pulling jokes on the MDs. And it just keeps happening!

I know you are doing all you can, and maybe sometimes overdoing, on the exercise. I know you are also practicing very healthy eating. I hope you can find time to look for some alternatives for your treatments. Life is a truly wonderful opportunity to play, love, and learn. Even in our grief, we can feel the love of a friend, smile at a rainbow, and be blessed with the fragrance of roses. We are so beautifully surrounded by the miracles of Life and L*ve.

And I am so glad we finally got emails coordinated! I am sending {{{hugs}}} as I look forward to my day of pampering. nd of course, *<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Karen,

I had to laugh at the thought of your doing the stress test in cowboy boots! Haha...

Anne,

I wish I'd read this last night instead of now...I don't always make it on line after work, esp. after taking my mom out, I am beat by the time I walk Arlie and it's 8:00 at night and I finally sit down. This morning I started here and got interrupted, am just now getting back to it.

Anne, you are definitely not whining, you are with your friends and we all care about you. I hope once they figure out exactly what is right for you that you can have enough quality of life that makes it still enjoyable for you. We've all grown rather fond of you here and we want you to stick around for a long time!

Mary,

I'd be wearing the shoes! I wouldn't want to answer to Anne! Teehee...

fae,

Making myself some green tea right now, seems to be the thing my body loves the most!

[mfh]

Kay, I appreciate your long days...I can only imagine how tired you are.

fae, I ran out of Missoula tea and am frustrated. Hoping tomorrow to be able to get more....none other does it for me. I forgot to stop for it today. AWGH. See my post about the book Will You Dance...I just finished it. Off the charts incredible.

Kay, I do think about that. You know Anne is from Illinois originally as am I and I know someday she will visit her daughter there and that is pretty close to Wisconsin (share borders, of course) and she has threatened to show up at my door...this is not a pretty thought..especially if I answer in bare feet..which I probably will.

Anne, did you did what Kay and I wrote....but you do not scare me enough to put shoes on...nope!

[enna]

hummmm

♫ ♪ ♬ ♪ ♪ ♫

.......how do you solve a problem like dear Mary...how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand.....

Yes, Kay, I am not suppose to use the word 'whining' - we are sharing and eventually i shall learn to have more compassion for myself along this journey. I really do love myself so it should not be too hard to work on the compassion part.

I have tea and scones anytime anyone comes to visit - I guess I'll need to order some Missoula tea - Kay and I will still have our coffee in the morning!

I am still smiling about the cowboy boots on the treadmill, Karen.

[mfh]

Anne, you make me laugh...

It is impossible you know to hold a moonbeam in your hand...

I am glad you got that message...you are not whining. You are sharing pain.

I do drink coffee in the morning...rarely after that.

I think the cowboy boots on the treadmill might be a first for those folks to see...clomp clomp clomp

[enna]

This is from Tara' Brach's book True Refuge

"We talk endlessly about love, but when we bring to mind someone we love and really investigate 'What is this love?', we drop into the mystery. What is this existence itself, with all its particularity, its strange life forms, its beauty, its cruelty? We can’t understand. When we ask 'Who am I?' or 'Who is aware?' and really pause to examine, we can’t find an answer." ~ True Refuge

[enna]

I do not like weekends. Months ago I was not fully awake to this aloneness I am now faced with - Those who have mates are busy with their lives. I am not a joiner and I know that there are people who are now single because they have lost their soul mates but I am not one to jump in and join a group of singles! I knew from others talking about it that once you have lost your spouse you no longer belong to the groups you hung out with for so many years! I guess people really do not know what to do with someone who is now single. We are not invited to go out for dinner - I do not like going to movies alone. I do not like eating alone so I am not too good at preparing a good meal for myself even though I have to make myself do it - I would prefer to eat just the things I like when I want to - I have comfort foods around so when I find myself standing in the kitchen area all I have to do is take a handful of.......

It is painful to sit down by yourself and eat healthy. I cry way too many times because it is painful to not have Jim around.

I hope that this will pass. It is not a good feeling. I ask my friends to go to lunch and we do hang out, but it's those weekends when everyone is busy with family. I haven't ever gone clubing nor do I go to bars! I can't go to church services because when I do all I do is cry - I pray and meditate but always by myself. Does this pass or is this my life from now on?

[mfh]

Anne, you are describing year 2 for me. It was like suddenly almost I realized what my life had become, that people move on, couples do not invite me places...a couple do occasionally but not often and I get that because Bill and I did not think beyond the end of our noses as we planned weekend time...but it is lonely especially on weekends. Meals are another story and all you said is what I also experienced. It DOES get better. The weekends are still an issue but I am learning to plan something small just to break up the days (though today I went WAY overboard--I blow it now and then). I do not know how to tell you how much I know what you are feeling and I do not know how to assure you that it does shift because of some variables like feeling better about being alone; learning how to carry the pain more easily; finding some meaningful things to do and yet with all that...Sundays remain hard much of the time but now not as much as a year ago. The awareness of what life is, it seems must precede any changes we want to make or any creation of a new normal and new life. But that takes time and that is painful. I am sure others will have insights also.

I am sorry you are in such pain....I just had a good cry with my friend sitting outside her house in her car...and she had a good cry with me...it does not go away but I know when I cry that the tears will cleanse me and pass.

Peace

Mary

[KarenK]

Anne,

In my case, weekends are no different from any other day. With both of us being retired, each day's routine was much the same until the cancer diagnosis. Of course, each weekday then revolved around whatever aptts. were scheduled. Those became the only time we left the house together.

I suppose what you are feeling sort of relates to my desire to be around people, just not converse with them yet, for fear of breaking down and not being accepted. I've noticed that there are local "meetup" groups, but they seem to be aimed at dating. There are a few "Widows" support groups which meet for activities, but most of them describe the wonderful time they had at a particular function. I suppose I'm not ready for that wonderful time, yet.

Perhaps one of the keys to finding our "new" normal is not to focus on what we used to look forward, but to focus on new things that interest us. I know how hard that is, especially when you are swimming like mad to get to the surface. I can't imagine traveling any great distance without Ron, although I'm perfectly cabable of doing it. It would just be a little scary, leaving my "comfort" zone. Seeing a person our age eating alone in a restaurant always seemed so sad and not something I would relish the thought of doing. As I type this, I wonder why we never asked that person to join us. In an unfortunate way, I guess it's because there are so many less than sane people in today's world. It's hard enough to trust a friend, much less a stranger. I think clubbing and bars is for the much younger set. Like many others, "been there, done" that, pre-Ron. I have considered joining a bowling league(if I can still throw a ball), but that requires face-to-face communication which I may not be ready for. We belonged to one for many years until his partial foot removal. In one league, when we were about 40 years old, there was a lonely "older" woman who was always chasing Ron. I don't want to become that "old" woman.

I don't think we'll be stuck in "limbo" forever. It just seems like it right now. Each of us will find their own way out of this "fog" when the time is right for us.

While I have you "on the phone", please tell me what your hobby "pinning" is. I've not heard of it before.

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, this journey is so new yet for you that I totally understand your desire to hover close to home, to avoid social groups, and more. I still spend a lot of time alone and prefer that to empty prattle. I like real people who share themselves. I do hope you check out that support group you mentioned. It does help a lot. As for traveling alone...not fun for me either even at this point in my journey but someday I might do a trip with a friend...who knows. We traveled a lot so my interest is not great at this stage. Eventually you will find places to put your energies and interests but right now you are still raw and exhausted.

As for pinning...there is a site called Pinterest. It is free. You are given web space to create digital bulletin boards, to decide the topic of each board, to name it and then to "pin" photos, videos, audios, websites and more onto those site. Here is mine if you wish to see a sample: http://pinterest.com/mfriedelhunt/

[enna]

and then there are nights when sleep just does not come...do I stay in bed wide awake or get up and do something, anything..

so I choose to get up and do something...tonight it was to sit on the patio with Benji and look up at the sky...there is a battle going on up there...bolts of lightening flash only to show the groups of clouds still hanging around from the day...I use this time to talk to my Jim...I believe that he does hear me...because I choose to believe it...wondering what it is like where he is...does he really see me and is it his voice I hear during the day encouraging me to continue this grief journey I'm on...so many things to think about in the still of this night...

I do not mind being still...it does not bother me as it used to...I still cry very easily but the tears are quieter now...oh, I know that there will be times when another explosion will come...it's that way on this journey...tonight it is just so quiet...it almost feels good to sit in this stillness...but I have things to do tomorrow so it's off to bed to catch what sleep I can before another day begins - alone.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Anne I so know what you mean. Since marrying my Pete in 1962 I have never been alone until he died last year. We were so bonded together even though after retirement we often did different things. I talked and talked to him. If a thought came into my head it had to be expressed to him. Poor Pete you may be thinking but he never said he was fed up with it. He seemed to think everything I said was interesting. And that was mutual. And now? As a half person I live on, alone. I'm lucky to live in a very small village where when I walk Kelbi I almost always meet someone to have a chat to. I wonder how pathetic I look though, walking alone, apart from a little dog when Pete and I always walked together. I don't honestly know how we get reconciled to this alone-ness, we who have been part of a close couple. I still think it won't last forever. He will come back. Stupid but I think that hope is what keeps me going. I've always been a person who needs to communicate, which is why if it were not for the Internet I might have lost my mind by now. Truly.

I suppose we have to learn to turn loneliness into solitude, and appreciate that. We who lost our soul mates relatively late in our lives know that we will never find another (and don't even want to). When I sat on Saturday night with my friend John and enjoyed chatting to him, I still could not forget the fantastic feeling of being with Pete in the same situation. We lived together so long we mixed up our memories. Did that happen to Pete or did it happen to me? Ad our personalities became kind of blended even though in many ways were were so very different. As a half a person now I feel so damaged. Mary has expressed this so much better than I can. This isn't doing anything to help you or anyone else is it? It's a howl of pain but I know you all know so well what this is like, and here we can say what we feel and the sharing helps

[kayc]

Jan, much of what we feel is a "howl of pain", and we're here to express ourselves, whether it's pain or helpfulness, it's all necessary. Your cry of pain lets us know we are not alone, that what we feel is normal.

In the early years the weekends where unbearable...that's part of the reason I tried having another relationship. I realize now I was just putting off dealing with the grief/pain, trying to avoid being alone weekends, hoping to rebuild some of what I'd lost...but it didn't work. And in the end, I still had to face doing the aloneness. I have had more time to get accustomed to it now, and it's not as bad as it was in the beginning. I feel I don't have much to look forward to, not like I did with George, but I'm also more used to it. As Karen said, "Perhaps one of the keys to finding our "new" normal is not to focus on what we used to look forward, but to focus on new things that interest us." It does help to schedule a little something here and there to look forward to, even if not every weekend. This can be lunch with a friend, or in my case, a trip to the park with Arlie. It needn't be big, not all of us can afford cruises and such, but just anything that picks up your spirits, anything you find yourself looking towards. I wish I weren't so far away from colleges, I'd take a class! Maybe in a few years when I retire, I can do so...perhaps a photography class...something not to promote my career, but something just for me, for the fun of it.

Even if retired, weekends differ from weekdays in that that is when others are busy with their families and thus unavailable, unless they are single, that is. It really helps to have some single friends to do things with. Plus, we realize what married couples are experiencing on weekends and our lives can seem pathetic in comparison. Try to let go of comparisons. Let that expectation be in the past, let it go.l Try to focus instead on what IS instead of what isn't. I know, that is hard, it takes practice, but with practice we get better at retraining our thinking.

[enna]

"when I get where I'm going.....

there'll be only happy tears...."

thank you Jan and Kay

[enna]

What I have learned from reaching out and accepting grief counseling from HOV for my journey since my Jim’s death just over one year ago.

Yesterday was a milestone in my journey. My grief counselor gave me my wings to continue on my journey as we said good-by after a year together. Her positive encouragement throughout my journey only helped me move through this pain. Her assurance that what was happening to me was all ‘normal.’ “No, you are not losing it. Yes, that is part of the journey. It is alright to feel that way.” Her questions helped me to see where I was on this path. She gently asked, “What are you feeling, now?” “It’s ok, I’m here, you’re doing fine.”

It was not easy for me to ask for help. I had always done things on my own. I considered myself a take-charge person. I was the nurturer. I was the resilient one who didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. And then, over the months, I began to see what it meant to be vulnerable. It was not a bad word. Actually, I have found out that it is a sign of courage and perseverance.

I found that this journey I’m on is going to be easier for me if I use the tools that are available to me. I read and question so much more now. I’ve always been a reader but when Jim died everything became a blur. I remembered nothing. I really thought I was losing it. But, I kept on reading and listening to material that was available for those who are grieving. I started to meditate daily, sometimes twice a day. I’d ask questions to my grief counselor and she would answer or tell me she’d find out for me and she always did.

One of the books that has opened my eyes today is by author Brene Brown called Daring Greatly. She talks about vulnerability as “being the core and heart of human experiences.” It’s that allowing myself to be vulnerable that gives me the courage to ask for help – to allow others to see that I am afraid, and to allow others to help me along this journey.

Another tool that I have found to be valuable is this online grief discussion forum. I have gained many insights to this grief journey from others who have so openly shared their journeys. I thank all of you for being so honest and open. It has helped me. You have held my courage for me as you promised and I am so grateful to all of you. I do not want you to stop supporting me I just want you to know that I will now be here for you. It is such a give and take place to be.

As I said to my grief counselor as she left yesterday – “I don’t know how to thank you except to say thank you and I will always be grateful for reaching out and asking for help.” My journey is not over. It will never be over, but I have begun to heal and this is a very positive feeling. Anne

[MartyT]

Thank you, dear Anne, for this positive and hope-filled message. I hope our newer members take your wise words to heart, and I am so grateful to you for being here, for staying here, and for sharing your journey with all of us. We are blessed to have you in our midst. ♥

[kayc]

Yes Anne, you have learned much since the beginning of your journey and many of us have been the recipients of your generous thoughtfulness.

[mfh]

Anne, I hope you are incredibly proud of yourself. I have seen you come light years in the past months...truly. I know saying good-bye to Julie had to be somewhat bittersweet as you also celebrated another step forward on your path. As for helping others...you have been doing that all along as you posted...you modeled taking risks, sharing pain and reached out with love and with videos and quotes. I see this journey here as a give and take from day 1 because by sharing we teach others how to share and to take vulnerability risks. When I first logged on I have no clue if I reached out or not. I do not remember but I suspect I was 99% on what you call the receiving end. I think all of us are as we are so raw and in survival mode...

It is hotter than Hades here today. The heat index is 103 with humidity way up there. When I let Bentley out this morning I was greeted with a steam bath which has only gotten worse with heat warnings out through Friday. I have taken lots of water and Gatorade out to the yard where two people insist on planting my trees today in spite of my pleas to it some other time. The trees are sweet...small compared to what I lost.

The woman who is the owner is out there along with her young male assistant. I do not know her well but I know her well enough that she came in for an hour more or less to talk as her husband is in a nursing home (just placed) and Dx is AD. She is running the nursery and going through a lot of pain. He will not come home. He would be impossible to take care of at home because of his stroke years ago and his temperament. She is sad and confused and lost. I know her pain too well.