Talking Heals

[feralfae]

AH, I was going to read back through this, then Marty mentioned delicious chocolate, and so I am off to forage for some Maya Gold prior to pouring a bit more cab and returning here to catch up.

As if anyone could catch up with this bunch!

BBL

fae

[feralfae]

Ah, thank you Anne, I would recommend discussing the advantages of Ayurvedic medicines, in conjunction, sooner rather than later, if you are so inclined.

With Maya Gold and Hook & Ladder 2002 Reserve Cab in Raven Glass, I go now to watch a part of LOTR, Doug's favorite story, hands down.

I had moose tenderloin a la Doug with mixed grains and grilled onions, and another glass of the Cab for dinner at our big round table, feeling Doug's spirit very close.

It was a communion with Doug, and many prayers of gratitude for his presence and love in my life.

I am blessed beyond words.

*<twinkles>*

off to the Orc Wars, which are far, far worse than mere Goblin wars, so they tell me.

fae

[enna]

I knew Marty would fess up sooner than later - I am just wondering what a 'bite sized' piece of fudge is for her! If it comes in 1/2 lb blocks how much really goes in the freezer? She fools noone!

I really like a cab with the right meal, fae. I have not had moose but I do like my red meats - mostly filets or rib eyes. I am so happy that you are keeping your Doug close to you during these days. I am posting something on your thread right after this.

I am just wondering if we have any more chocoholics out there that we haven't heard from yet.

[MartyT]

A bite is a bite is a bite . . . ♥

[kayc]

Haha, Marty, that reminds me when my daughter was a child and made homemade monster cookies that had M&Ms and chocolate chips and oats and raisins, they were wonderful, she made them in a huge vat, I remember it called for a dozen eggs. She sold them for $1 each to raise money for camp, and my sister bought a bunch, each individually wrapped. Well she put them in the freezer so she wouldn't eat them, but then she discovered they are good to eat frozen, ha!

[enna]

I started this on Friday August 9^th - I never dreamed I'd be thinking along these lines today.

Fear of the unknown – I don’t know if this is the first time I’ve experienced this emotion but today I was overcome with a fear that I have not ever been aware of before. With all the health issues coming at me rather quickly I started to wonder why my body was breaking down. Was the past six years catching up with me? Was my body saying that it has been through more than is aloud? Today as I lay in that machine that scans the inside organs I wondered what was being pictured – are cells crumbling before my eyes? What is the relationship of heart failure, kidney failure and now lung failure? Our body is usually a wonderful machine. When our blood flows through our body as it should all goes well; but, when the blood can’t do its job then what happens? It got me to thinking about end-of-life. Not in a morbid sense but just thinking. Slowly all organs begin to stop until there is nothing left to nourish them. Then death comes. Is it something I should be afraid of or accept as part of my completion of the life cycle? We know that since there is life then there will be death. My question now is: “What happens after death?” My faith tells me that there is more when our earthly bodies have ended. This is the time that I would love to sit and talk with my grandparents, parents, siblings, and my Jim just to ask them about their new universe and what I could be doing to better prepare myself for their life the way it is now.

My finite mind cannot grasp this now but I still wonder.

I guess all I really can do is be kinder, more loving, more open to the beauty around me, more accepting of myself, show empathy to those I come in contact with on a daily basis, be present to someone in need, be grateful for what I have and not wish for what I don’t have, and eat much more chocolate, because I don’t think I’ll need it where I’m going. And finally, I’m wondering just what is, “a bite, is a bite, is a bite"…? Is it like “a rose, is a rose"…? There will never, ever be enough roses so maybe there will never, ever be enough chocolate! In my opinion, if it goes in the freezer it does not stay there very long – how could it -

And Kay, I love the story of the cookies.

[HAP]

Beautifully said Anne.

Harry

[KarenK]

I confess that I too am a chocoholic. Anne, you are okay because chocolate is good for your heart.

I used to buy fudge at the fair every year along with one of those giant cinnamon rolls. But as I get older, I find that chocolate candy makes my teeth ache. My favorite is Red Velvet cake. We used to have an Amish restaurant(in rural northern Arizona, no less) that had great home cooked meals & the best Red Velvet cake ever. I would buy a slice & cut it into 4 servings because it was so rich. But, alas they have closed their doors.

Karen

[enna]

Hello dear Karen,

I just knew that we had many, many chocolate lovers here. And Red Velvet cake - yumm - I so agree with you that it is very rich.

How are you doing? Know that I have Debbie in my prayers. Are you remembering to stay out of this AZ heat? It has been very hot this summer.

Tatum must be giving all of you some happy times. I love dogs - they just make me happy.

Thank you, Harry, for your kind comment. I hope that the soreness has gone out of your body after all the walking you did over the weekend!

Today, that fear I experienced a few days ago seems to have left me. I am trying to understand this loss of my health as I still grieve for my Jim.

I am sure that we can consider the loss of one's health a secondary loss. I try very hard not to say, "Why me?"

Anne

[kayc]

Oh Anne, I don't know that you can BE any sweeter, but it must be the chocolate you eat! I'm sure the caregiving along with the grief takes it's toll on our bodies and however they react, that's what they do, but you are in the hands of a good team, and remember the doctor said he's going to get you through this. And we're all praying for you!

Love you,

Kay

Karen,

Praying for your daughter too. Please continue to keep us posted, you are one of our family and we share in what you are going through.

[mfh]

Anne,

I do believe when we experience painful scary things in our life when we are raw with grief, that those are even more difficult to experience...all the hurt pours out. I do not see the loss of your health as a secondary loss. I know that it is possible/probable that the stress of caregiving, loss, grief and more has contributed to this loss but I see loss of health as a major loss and separate in so many ways from the loss of Jim. If you experienced this when Jim was alive, none of us would consider it a secondary loss...it is a loss that is made worse (if that is possible) by the loss of Jim and being alone. I do get that even though I have not experienced loss of health. I have gotten a taste of health stuff in many instances since Bill died...and it is just tougher...let's face it. You are in my heart, Mary

[enna]

Dance – I was reflecting on this word today and came to the realization that for me movement is like breathing. I loved to dance when I was young. It was like riding a horse – if you let the horse do the work all you have to do is move with it – it took me awhile before I became comfortable on a horse but I was never afraid. Now with dance, I did not have any trouble moving whether there was music or not. I enjoyed the movement. Today dance and riding horses are only dreams but the breathing is still very much present. Focusing on breathing relaxes my muscles not only in my face but in my body as well. I am discovering a new form of dance and that is to allow my breathing to be that movement I can no longer do.

As we look up at the sky during the darkest part of night there are always flickers of light reminding us that there is something far greater than what we can imagine. I think my Jim and all of those loved ones who are no longer walking this earth with us still surround us perhaps in those flickers of light. I miss my Jim and would love to have his physical presence still with me. Since he is not, I create my own image of him and try to look at the darkness of the sky hoping to get a glimpse of him.

This second year as a widow is proving to be more difficult for me. I am awake and that ‘fog’ is lifting. I still do not know what lies ahead for me. I definitely have changed. I am seeking my purpose. I actually have conversations with Jim knowing that it is just another way for me to move from day to day. I know others have done this before me but I never gave it thought until Jim died. I find a calm and a peace coming to this ‘circle of fire’ knowing that those here understand.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Anne and All,

I lost a post somewhere... no matter.

Here is the link to the YouTube centering meditation that I find helpful

You might enjoy it.

fae

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEgLw6bTtxs

[feralfae]

Anne, I had typed a long post to you about your journey and the rough patches.

This is hardly a secondary loss, as Mary so wisely pointed out.

This is a major setback and you are facing it with great courage. Being scared of the unknown must be normal for those with health problems. The worst part is that Jim is not there with you to comfort you and share your hopes and fears. I know we are a poor substitute here, but please feel free to email or PM or anything. You are not going through this alone, any more than we would leave dear Mary alone to go through her eye surgery. This is why we are here. Because helping to heal others is the best way to heal ourselves, I am finding.

We are here. I am here. We are all with you on this journey. As Kay says, we have your back.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[DeeU]

Dear Ann, Your posts are so wise and insightful and beautiful. I am impressed that you are going inward and contemplating these changes and all you have been through in such an honest way. Love, Dee

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

I always read your postings with empathy. Your beautiful nature shines out towards us and we are all hurt because you are hurting. Mary and Fae are right. The illness is a double blow and you are so brave to deal with it as you do, without your beloved Jim holding your hand. What can I say? I send my love

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, I can only add my voice to the chorus of support that is being sent heavenward on your behalf. ♥

[enna]

And to all of you, I send my love. Thank you for your kindnesses. It is those acts of kindness that give us the strength we need to move forward even though we do not know what is before us. I believe that our kind words to one another help to heal us in a way that is not tangible. Now I am off to prepare for the carpet cleaners - Benji seems to think that this is the time to let me know of his displeasure that things are not in their same places - he left me a 'present' right in the open livingroom floor this morning!! He goes to doggy day care soon.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

We now know that Benji is feeling the chaos and sense of being out of element in his own way, most definitely! He will no doubt be happy to be back at doggie day care where things will be more "normal."

You are right that we help to heal each other with out words here. There have been days when a simple message from someone here has made the difference for me between feeling lost and alone and feeling loved and acknowledged. I am impressed with the loving care and concern shared here among us all, people who do not know each other in every day life, but who feel the call of others in deep grief and pain, and who find it in their own hurting hearts to reach out a hand, a loving word, a gesture of concern, a sign that there is another person who understands and supports this journey for each of us.

I cannot help but think sometimes that some miracle from G*d led me here, to find the solace and support I have found, to help me on this journey, to hold me up sometimes when I felt that I was outside reality in some way, so lost was I in my grief.

I sat outside yesterday between sanding efforts, and looked at the sky and asked if anyone knew where my life is going to take me. I probably have about 35-40 years left: people in my family tend to live to late 90s or even to 105, in a couple of instances, and remain very active until well into their 90s usually. Where will I be in 10 years? What will my life be then? When will I feel ready to be more engaged with life? Am I doing the right things now?

All these questions are less scary and more approachable, and even making little plans for tomorrow seems to be easier, because of the friends I have made here, and yes, I do consider this gathering to be one of my Tribes.

And I am so very thankful to have you here as one of my friends and Tribe members. I agree: this place is such a wonderful, safe place to open our hearts and allow the healing energy of compassion, love, faith, and hope to take up residence where there was only grief before. Now there is some hope, some faith in the future, and some compassion for myself and others.

The lessons I am learning here with all of you are tremendous ones, and part of my healing. Thank you, Anne, for your insightful comments and your loving concern. You are a gift to my heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne,

Most feel the second year is harder than the first, I guess because perhaps we didn't expect it to linger this long, but we eventually come to realize that this is a permanent thing, that it affects us forever and accept that our lives are just altered. It is such a process that helps us come to this realization! You are doing well with all that you have had to deal with, that's not to say it's been easy, I know it hasn't been! It's harder than anything we could have imagined and that we are surviving is both a surprise and amazing.

What's upsetting Benji so? Is it sensing what you are going through?

[KarenK]

Because this thread is about "talking" and I am in pain, I guess this is an appropriate place for this post.

My heart hurts at a memory I cannot erase. Ron was so very ill and one day shortly before he died, I walked into his hospital room and he said to me "You don't take very good care of me". I was sort of stunned. For months, I had done nothing BUT take care of him, from top to bottom, in addition to dealing with all the doctors and appts. He said I wasn't feeding him right. At the time, I was actually providing the tube food to the hospital, as they didn't provide the particular kind he was supposed to have and I had to show the nurse how to run the pump. I remember so many times at home when he refused to let me hook up the feeding pump because he just "didn't feel like it right then". I tried and tried, but he was an adult. I could not force him, but in the end, I was the one who "did not take good care of him". Maybe it was just the illness talking, but it stiil hurts and doubly so, because at the end, I was the one who made that final decision.

This is a place to bare your soul, I suppose. Where did I go wrong?

Karen

[enna]

Oh my dear Karen, I am so sorry that you are in pain. And yes, this is a good thread to talk about your pain because talking does heal.

I am sorry that the words Ron spoke to you hurt you so deeply. I do not know why those we love sometimes lash out at us but it does happen and it does hurt so very much. You were a good caregiver. We do the best we can. You know in your heart that you did all you could do. I wish I could tell you something that would ease the pain you feel. You said it best when you said, "I tried and tried." That is all we can do. You did not go wrong anywhere, Karen.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

Oh, I am so sorry you are having these feelings, dear one.

Doug never complained or criticized, but a couple of the nurses once ganged up on me and tried to tell me Doug needed more ice cream and cake, things that would help him put on weight. Doug was very determined not to have sugar, because cancer loves sugar. The hard part was that they scolded me in front of Doug, and he was too weak to say anything. I felt so bad, but I knew I was feeding him the right foods. He had made it far longer than any mainstream medical people thought he would, and I think his diet had something to do with that, not to mention his remarkable discipline. Once he gave up sugar, he really gave up sugar.

Karen, you cannot know what was in Ron's words meant: he could have wanted a cup of coffee! Also, when people are very ill and preparing to leave, they often have anger and disappointment, but I don't think you need to carry any guilt about how you took care of Ron. You did the very best that you could do, and that is all any of us can do. If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken Doug to another country immediately after the diagnosis. We wasted a lot of time trying to figure things out, neither of us knowing anything at all about cancer.

I believe that you did the very best you knew how to do each day, in the circumstances before you. I hope you can give yourself some compassion and understanding about this. You did the best you could

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne,

I see, I missed the part where you are preparing for carpet cleaners, that explains it. Is it done yet? Gotta keep our Benji happy!

[HAP]

Dear Karen,

Jane once asked me how I put up with her sometimes vile moods during the last months of her life without getting angry back at her. I told her that sometimes she was right to be angry with me, but that most of the time--especially when she said something way out of line, as your husband's comment was--that I knew it was the cancer talking, not her. For many years we had a quote up on the walls of our classroom along the lines of, "We revenge ourselves for other's injustice toward us on those closest to us." Both Jane's illness and your Ron's put them in a great deal of pain and frustration. That anger had to go somewhere--and somewhere safe--us. They knew we loved them enough that no amount of hurt was going to drive us away--the way it might a stranger like a doctor or a nurse.

Sometimes, in our grief, we do this to the people around us. I have been periodically guilty of this myself. Fortunately, my friends have endured it, knowing what Jane meant to me and that despite my best efforts that pain is going to leak out sometimes in inappropriate ways. I've seen my father do it--and several other folks I have known who have lost spouses. I know my father does not do this purposely, nor do the others. In fact, we are all most likely unaware we have done so unless someone points it out to us.

Pain is pain. We can be stoics. We can be howlers at the moon. But this pain is so great it sometimes robs us of our good sense, robs us of our compassion, and robs us of our social graces. And the pain our spouses were in perhaps makes this pain look mild by comparison. I don't know--it has been a while since my last death by illness. I know both Jane and I were frustrated and angry at the end of her life. We both tried to keep that inside us, but we both had our moments when things were not perfect. But before her last operation we spent a day forgiving each other for the things of the past and the things that might lie ahead. We are all of us imperfect beings. We make mistakes and say the wrong thing at the wrong time--and most of the time we do not mean to cause the hurt we do. Our pain burns us and we scream at those we love because we love them and know they will bear a part of our pain without us having to ask nicely.

Spider Robinson says, "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is multiplied." That is also as good an explanation of what it means to love another as I have ever seen.

This will sound strange, but Ron's words were as much about love as they were about hurt and fear. He shared there his pain and fear in the most powerful way that he could. And you returned that love by swallowing that pain and continuing to do what needed to be done without complaint or anger. In that moment, he shared his pain and you answered him with love. Take some joy in that act. Not everyone manages to pull it off.

Peace,

Harry