Talking Heals

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne. I have been thinking of that song since Mary wrote about bridges.

Hearing it again after all these years evoked a flood of beautiful memories, and made me realize how much I have been carried by loving friends and tribe this past many months. I am so blessed to have been gathered in by so many loving people, when I was shattered beyond my own recognition. It is most amazing how much healing we need, and how unfathomable is the grief and pain we must experience on this journey.

You are right about learning to turn to self-care after years of other-care. It is an evolving recognition of our own needs, wants, dreams, and for me, at least, my remaining worth. We lost a big battle, a big game, by lots of standards, and yet, we are still here. I believe I am here, walking, getting ready to go be a mud pie maker again, only by the Grace of my Creator. Nothing I did, for sure. I have just been surrounded by angels every second.

I am still doing little Snoopy dances for you, dear Anne. You are a remarkable example of mind over matter. Lovely work, congratulations.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Kay,

You'd better be sleeping. And planning a day of rest and self-care for tomorrow.

This is the time to take care of Kay for a few days.

Starting right now.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

I know. It would work better if I could take my own advice consistently. But if I'm telling someone to take a break...

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I hope you are resting and taking a day for yourself.

Please do so.

Much Love and {{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

And this is part of our journey.....

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief Sometimes you don't want to remember the irritating aspects of your loved one . . . the annoying traits, the arguments, the immaturities. Guess what? We're all human! It's ok to remember what you don't miss as well as what you do miss. Embracing the foibles of your dear one is just as important as honoring their virtues. Everyone is a package deal and you have permission to remember it all, with love.

[enna]

I really hate being without Jim. I guess it is part of the journey. I remember when....

[Conbon20]

Hi Anne,

I wish I was where you are at. It has been six months since I lost my wonderful husband and for awhile I thought I was doing pretty good. Now I don't know. I recently had hip replacement surgery and although I am grateful for the wonderful care I had, I now am home alone recooperating. I can't drive yet and so am somewhat isolated unless my daughter comes to visit. I try to stay busy but some days like today.... I find I am crying and I know it's because I miss my husband so very much. We were married 46 years which is a lifetime. I do know that prayer helps because I do alot of that but will this terrible hurt in my heart ever go awaY? i truly don't think the good Lord wants me to be this unhappy so I take hope in my belief in him and that things will get better. Thanks for letting me pour my heart out. Connie

[enna]

Oh, my dear Connie,

I just came on and read about your hip replacement surgery. I am so sorry. Grieving is hard enough without these secondary loses. So many of us seem to have health issues. How are you doing? Yes, the recovery will keep you down for a little while, but I am sure that when you start walking and completing your therapy you'll be good as new. I know you have pain right now but soon you won't even know that hip used to give you trouble!

I know that you are so new in this grief journey. You and Woody were married for 46 years and that is a long, long time.

You know that you can't hurry this path we are on. You asked if 'this terrible hurt will ever go away' and I can't answer that for you but I can tell you that after my first year I am beginning to focus more on the good memories and there are happy times in my life right now.

You are such a sweet person that I know there will be happy times for you. I know that you will learn to blend the deep pain of not having Woody there with you and catching yourself remembering the joyous times.

Is your daughter close? Tears are part of this journey we are on and we will never know when we'll cry. I had to leave the store more than once. One time I just went down the cookie isle and eye-balled the oreo cookies (Jim's favorite) and I lost it - thank goodness I didn't have to much in my cart then because I had to leave. Another time I was in a department store looking for a few new tops to wear and I found myself buying two golf shirts for Jim. I got to the car and remembered that he would not be able to wear them! So, his son got two new golf shirts when he was here visiting! I miss Jim. I have good days. The same will happen to you.

And yes, I believe that our faith will help us get through this heartache but we will have to work very hard. Hugs, Anne

[KATPILOT]

Yes Connie, Anne has it right. There will be better days ahead but just take it one day at a time. We all know what it's like to realize that what you had is gone and it tears you up every time you think about it.

I copied something written in a brochure from my hospice group meetings. It is on my fridge attached to a magnet with Kathy's picture above it. It simply says:

It will never be the same

I will never be the same

you came

we loved

you left

I will survive until I survive

and one day I will find

myself alive again.

That someday has yet to come but it's getting closer. I know I will be sad but I will find myself happy too.

Maybe that's the best we can hope for because indeed, "we will never be the same"

Anne, isn't it interesting how an animated movie like "UP" can bring us to tears?

I can hardly bear to watch it now.

I am the old man and she's gone

Stephen

Stephen

[enna]

Yes, Stephen, I love the movie "UP" and I do cry - only I am the old lady and he's gone!!!

I think that 'feeling' is very important in our grief. It makes this life seem much more real when I allow my feelings to come through.

I had a very hard time with that in the beginning. I thought I was suppose to 'suck it up' - after all - we are born and we all will die...

Boy, was I silly to only think with my mind - it was only when I started to feel it in my heart that I began to realize what a beautiful man my Jim was/is - I so wish he were still here like he used to be - I would tell him over and over again how much I do love him - how wonderful I think he is - how blessed I am to have him in my life - Oh, we spoke those words many time to each other; but, now that he is dead I want to say them over and over again.

I am an optimist and I do believe that joy and happiness wil be/is in my life right now.

Thank you for that saying that you have on your frig - I copied it and have it here in the computer room - a positive thought... Anne

[mfh]

Anne, thank you for the UP post...I do love that movie and yes, I weep when I see this and the whole movie. Thanks for this. I don't have a lot more to say today...sort of scattered.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Please be at peace. I just went to listen to "Make Me a Channel of Your Peace" about 20 times while I paced, realizing that it is past time that I am allowed to put down this sword I have carried since SNCC days. I choose this version in part for my crazy adopted little brother, Patrick, who carries anger in every drop of his pure Irish blood. What a fighter! Famous in his home town! He is slowly healing now.

I am going to go be an artist, and center in my clay. If that gets boring, I can go back to silk screens, oils, acrylics, water colours, whatever. I have put down my sword, and I hope to never, ever need to pick it up again.

I wish to write only from and about L*ve and Peace.

I am not retiring from life, but rather, I am transcending my natal sign and becoming my rising sign, which is Venus. I will make beauty and grow flowers and laugh and share more with people who "get it". I found, in my foraging for versions of "Make Me a Channel of Your Peace" the following, and I share this with you, because I remember this from somewhere...

lex orandi

lex credendi

lex vivendi

It is

The Rule of Prayer

Is the Rule of Belief

Is the Rule of Living.

It is a very old concept. Do you know the source? You educated educator, you.

So, I recommend that you not even think about this quote, but go listen to "Make" a few times, and let yourself float in the peace that will enter your heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, I listened to several of these and thank you so much. One of my very favorite prayers...we have a bronze of Francis...small but lovely...in our living room. I remember hearing the Westminster Abbey choir in England a few times. I love S. Temple also. I will see if I can post the version I have...it is a spin off and very comforting. They ALL make me cry....I think because I long for peace.

There is no way you can be bored with all those ways of making art and expressing yourself. Go for it.

Peaceful evening

Mary

[kayc]

Connie,

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now, but glad you occasionally have your daughter there for you. You will never stop missing m8issing your husband, but you will grow more accustomed to these changes...it does take time and we've all discovered here, grief is a lot of work but if we put in the effort, it really does help. As was already said...one day at a time. When we go through something difficult such as a surgery or job loss, it makes our grief/loss seem all the more acute as the person who always helped and comforted us in life is not there to do so now, and we keenly feel it

To the rest of you,

Wow! Arrest me and everything?! I did not read all of these responses until I got back as I had not the time earlier.

But a word of explanation...my sister Donna's life was turned upsidedown when she was 25 and had her accident. Her three year old son was killed and her four month old baby was taken from her and adopted by our parents, as she could no longer take care of him...she became quadriplegic and had severely damaged vocal chords so she can't communicate with people. It's very hard to understand her speech. Once a month we take her out (she's now 70) and she so looks forward to that. Once a month she gets to go out to eat and run her errands and get some love and attention...and that keeps her going. And now my sister Peggy no longer drives, she falls easily, and has to use a walker. She has an overbearing husband that none of us would choose to live with and this once a month, when I pick her up and drive her to town to meet the other sisters, it is her respite from the world. If I did not go, I would be letting them all down. And they are my mainstay, they have always been there for me...when my mom was abusive, when life was hell growing up, it was my sisters who were there for me. When a husband turned out to be a monster, it was my sisters who saw me through the difficult times and were my support. I cannot let them down, it is my turn to be there for them. They are aging, and all I know is, throughout our lives, it has always been us, together, making it. No matter what our differences, our choices, our opinions, our politics, our religion, we are still close. And I will always push myself for them...it is, after all, once a month.

Anyway, I made it through the day and don't have any plans for tomorrow other than a few household chores, and perhaps lunch with a friend Sat. or Sun. My life really is very simple. I could not keep up with any of your pace! I just survived a hellish week at work and hopefully next week won't be a repeat. I am thankful I am only working four days a week, not five. I think I needed the "slow down".

[enna]

From the time I have come to know you, Kay, I would only expect what you did today in being with your sisters. You are always giving, you are always thoughtful, you are always kind. I agree with you that there are times that we have to step up - we always seem to manage. We always seem to come out alright. I call this caring - someone is watching over you, someone is loving you, and I know George is with you.

Have a restful day tomorrow and Sunday and we will call Harry off of you - his brother can stay in Washington so there will be NO arrests. You do know that we have you in our hearts and so understand you're need to care for those sisters of yours. What a beautiful person you are - yes, you are beautiful.

[mfh]

Connie, I think when we are grieving and at the same time have had surgery that we feel far more vulnerable and alone. We want the person with us who could help to make it all easier and less frightening. You are home now recuperating alone and with lots of time to think. Your body has been been through a lot as has your heart in its loss of your beloved.

It does get easier to carry this load...the grief lifts considerably, we learn how to carry it and when we have those times when pain just takes over our entire being...we know it will pass. We will always miss our beloveds but in time we do get involved in our own healing and in creating a new normal and a new life. That does NOT mean we do not hurt. I know I will hurt forever until I am with Bill again. But we learn how to carry the grief, grow from it, transform ourselves and go on in life. You are in the time now where it all becomes real and as I said you have just been through a lot having a hip replacement. Even the drugs they give you for pain and sedation affect you for a while after the surgery.

I hope you have some friends that you can call upon and just ask them to come for tea....or to run an errand for you and then stay a bit to chat. come to this forum and share the load here. We are all here for you. I am sorry that you have such a full load right now with the surgery added to all you are dealing with in losing your husband. Do keep posting here and reading posts...it all helps us heal a bit.

Peace to your heart

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary, I hope you are resting, being in peace.

I asked one of our teachers about "the Lex" as I called them as a girl, and here is what he wrote back:

There are four reasons to pray:

1. To praise God.

2. To give thanks to God.

3. To express sorrow for our shortcomings. (sins)

4. To petition for our spiritual and temporal needs.

Lex orandi, lex credendi, lex vivendi, is an ancient teaching of the Catholic Church.

Below is a somewhat different translation. The idea is that one must live

in such a state of confidence in the Divine Providence that one is likened to

a flower opening it's pedals to the sun in the morning. Perhaps Saint Theresa

of Lisieux said it best: "Lord behold your little bird opening it's mouth unto Thee."

There are three things each prayer must have.

1. Crisis: One must recognize the need for something to change.

2. Petition: One must sincerely petition God for that which is needed.

"Ask and ye shall receive."

3. One must have a confident expectation of a favorable answer to

our petitions believing fully that if that which is requested is for

our greater good it will be granted. Saint Benedict actually raised the dead.

Pax Domini Sit Semper Vobiscum

R

So, I thought I'd share that here, in this discussion.

I go now to meditate and pray. They are pretty much the same to me, actually.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Well, I did learn all those reasons to pray once upon a time...maybe in theology classes...not sure.

I look at prayer (for me) as listening...listening to the voice of God, aligning my self with my Self with Thy Self. My major prayer is and always has been "thy will be done". I guess I do not really believe in prayers of petition anymore. Sort of like this: I ask for it to rain on my field so my crops grow. However, down the road is someone asking that it NOT rain because of an outdoor wedding that is planned. So what does that mean? Or as my brother says. He wants the Cubs to win and his buddy wants the Sox to win when they play each other. So my prayer is listening so I can hear MY (real) voice which is one with THE Voice and also prayers of gratitude always. Now yesterday I was prayed over by a Tibetan Buddhist Monk..I have no idea what he said but he was a healer and for me I saw that as a transfer of energy real or symbolically...healing energy, a quieting of my being, a reminder to have hope. So I ask that "thy will be done" because no matter how I see it, God's will is what is best for me because God (I refuse to say he or she) is pure love and if pure love be done....I'm good. That is a frightening prayer at this stage of my transformation...because it means total abandonment to the will of God...and trust that it will be good for me...like being able to see next Thursday. Just some of many many thoughts I have.

Going out to the Buddhist center at 3:30 again to see the mandala sand painting and hope there is more chant at 4. It is very quieting out there in the woods.

IN the meantime, I am drinking water and watching the Quiet Man because I love the movie and have a strong desire to return to Ireland again some day.

[Conbon20]

Oh, my dear Connie,

I just came on and read about your hip replacement surgery. I am so sorry. Grieving is hard enough without these secondary loses. So many of us seem to have health issues. How are you doing? Yes, the recovery will keep you down for a little while, but I am sure that when you start walking and completing your therapy you'll be good as new. I know you have pain right now but soon you won't even know that hip used to give you trouble!

I know that you are so new in this grief journey. You and Woody were married for 46 years and that is a long, long time.

You know that you can't hurry this path we are on. You asked if 'this terrible hurt will ever go away' and I can't answer that for you but I can tell you that after my first year I am beginning to focus more on the good memories and there are happy times in my life right now.

You are such a sweet person that I know there will be happy times for you. I know that you will learn to blend the deep pain of not having Woody there with you and catching yourself remembering the joyous times.

Is your daughter close? Tears are part of this journey we are on and we will never know when we'll cry. I had to leave the store more than once. One time I just went down the cookie isle and eye-balled the oreo cookies (Jim's favorite) and I lost it - thank goodness I didn't have to much in my cart then because I had to leave. Another time I was in a department store looking for a few new tops to wear and I found myself buying two golf shirts for Jim. I got to the car and remembered that he would not be able to wear them! So, his son got two new golf shirts when he was here visiting! I miss Jim. I have good days. The same will happen to you.

And yes, I believe that our faith will help us get through this heartache but we will have to work very hard. Hugs, Anne

Thank you Anne for responding to me. It helps to know that someone really cares. Yes, my daughter lives pretty close and she is a blessing to me. I am recovering from my surgery pretty well. I had home health workers here for several weeks and next week will start my first outpatient physical therapy. I know when I can drive again and get out of the house, I won't feel so isolated. I still have so much of my husband, Woody's stuff to discard or donate. I can't even bear to open the door to his room right now. I went through a frenzy right after he died and donated most of his clothes, etc. but he was a collector of things he loved so I have to contact his past magic friends to see if they want some of his magic and then there are his books, and tapes, etc. etc. He has a wonderful son (by his first marriage) who has helped me alot and I know John will help me with the rest of his stuff but I don't look forward to doing it. The memories flood in and my whole composure just melts in a sea of tears. I know I must go on and I know he wanted me to go on. One day at a time I guess..... one day at a time. Thanks again for listening. Connie

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Well now I feel like a dork. I just posted a thing on the positive thread urging us all to back off on Kay (Kay, I was kidding about my brother you know). Then I drop in here and find everyone doing exactly that. So ignore that part of the post--just read the first few paragraphs about my walk this morning and move on. Nothing to see there.

Connie, six months in the shock has pretty much worn off and you are confronting the naked raw emotions of your grief. Adding the sense of isolation the surgery has created likely is making you feel even worse. Others have given you good advice. All I will add to what they have said is the importance of staying hydrated. Drink plenty of water. The PT will make sure you get exercise regularly. It took me over a year to start going through my wife's closets--and there are some things 31 months later I still have not gotten to. And I still cry frequently--though less so now than at six months.

Don't fight the grief. Let it come. That was a mistake I made early on. Instead of riding with it I fought it off. Part of that was I was still teaching and it just doesn't work very well if you break down in the middle of a class. But it was a mistake--at least for me--that slowed down coming to terms with what happened.

Dear Kay, you did what needed doing and did not stop to count the cost. You remind me so much of Jane in this. You were/are very different people, but that piece you very much share.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Mary, I wrote to him and stated my prayer, more like yours, and my interpretation of "theLex" and so, he sent this from St. Ignatius, which I like a lot

"Lord grant me Thy Grace, then do with me as Thou will."

Much Love This day of Peace for Us All.

fae

[kayc]

I add to your list of reasons to pray two more:

To listen.

To commune with God, for He is a being, a real live breathing being who longs to have relationship with us.

[kayc]

Ahh, in reading further posts, I see that Mary mentioned that.

[feralfae]

(My response to R. I guess I see prayer more as a state of being. Simply following my Path.)

"I learned "the Lex" as a tiny girl, from one of my early tutors. To me, it meant all that you say, in numbers 1-4, but more; it meant that I must live my life as prayer; being as open to Holy Direction, when in life as when in prayer. Absolute openness to and trust in my Creator. Only thus will my life unfold along the Path that has been set before me. ( my prayer since I was a small child, and still is: Thou preparest the Way before me. My cup runneth over. Thank you. Amen.) I must allow myself to always be present within and in the presence of G*d.

I ask about this, because before I went public on CB with some facts, I prayed and prayed that I would be guided in the correct action, and I think Doug wrote most of what is on CB. And I asked for a sign that I had done what was proper. And out of the Heavens, one of our patrons called, and said whatever the amount I had disavowed, he would make it good and add a heaping measure, for Heaven and the future's sake. (He also likes Robert Frost.)

I am blessed beyond words. And I got to post on CB how this gift was, as far as I am concerned, a Gold Star from my Creator. I hope that is more praise than bragging. I will continue to use those funds through our foundation to do good works.

Doug is truly enjoying this game, and now, I pray only for peace for my soul, as I put down my sword — I hope for the last time. That need, however, is not in my hands, although I pray for peace. I, too, have been a good warrior for a long, long time.

I have no words to thank you for all that I learn from you, no words at all. I do not think you need my simple prayers, but I will always mention your name to G*D and the Holy Mother when I pray each day."

After a few more rounds of this discussion, I wrote:

"Thus, I pray, (my talk with you has caused me to modify it a bit, now that I am becoming mature enough to take perhaps a tiny bit more responsibility for staying on my Own Path):

Thou preparest My Path before me.

My cup runneth over.

Thank you.

*<twinkles>* "

I think I got a passing grade from this tough teacher. Whew, he has helped me through so much, helping me to keep my faith and preserve my spirit these last months. A true Bridge.

Okay, all you Bridges of the Valley, keep having a restful and joy-filled day. I go off to natter elsewhere about other things.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

A book I am finding to be most helpful to me on this journey at this time is called, Understanding your Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

He says, "Think of your grief as a wilderness - a vast, inhospitable forest. You must journey through this wilderness. To find your way out, you must become acquainted with its terrain and learn how to follow the sometimes hard-to-find trail that leads to healing. In the wilderness of your grief, the touchstones are your trail markers. They are the signs that let you know that you are on the right path. When you learn to identify and rely on the touchstones, you will find your way to hope and healing." This book gives those touchstones and then offers you time to write in your grief journal if you so choose. I like the journaling which I do in a folder on my computer because it helps me to look back and see where I started and where I am headed. We who are here know that this is hard work. We do not heal by simply wishing it. I thank those of you who are walking with me on my journey. I intend to make this a memorable journey.

Oh, if I didn't mention it, I only have about five or six of his books. He has become one of my self-appointed gurus.