Chubeka Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 "It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever." Each morning I wake up and wish for just a touch of your hand, that would be enough... 02 May 2016, my life changed forever. It was around 8 pm when I received a call from Alpha's brother telling me that he had passed away in a car accident driving from home back to his city of work. My initial response was "No! it can not be! I was talking to him that morning and he was telling me he was washing his car, preparing to drive to Durban", then I dropped the phone quickly thinking maybe it was a prank. I went to check his 'last seen' on whatsapp and found it was earlier in the day so I texted him and asked where he is and if he is safe. I anticipated his response but it never came... That moment I knew, he was really gone. The next few days, I sobbed and never got any sleep because I was failing to imagine what it would be like living without him. I met Alpha in 2009 at the age of 18. His brother is a very close friend of mine and we were in high school together, he hooked us up. At the time I felt I was too young and he also had a lot of emotional baggage he needed to deal with. Then we became friends but always had feeling for each other. He still pursued me and only in 2014 we decided to give it a try. I was loved, he was my everything, everything I ever wanted in a man. Kind, patient, caring, giving, selfless, dedicated, hard working, smart, prayerful, loving and just everything beautiful. He went to the moon and back for me. He gave me the kind of love and respect I was longing for. He was saving up to pay Lobola (dowry) for me in December 2016. We shared dreams, plans and the future. I cry about everything that concerns him. I cry at the mention of his name. I cry at how I never got to tell you just how much you mean to me. I have so many regrets, so many what ifs; its driving me crazy. Its like you left me in a room of emptiness where this feeling of darkness is just weighing heavy on my heart. At times I sit ad wish he took me with to the grave. I wish he never left me, because he was my life and now I have nothing to live for. I don't wanna work, I don't wanna see people, I just want you back and tell me we can still get married. You are everything and without you I am truly nothing at all. Thank you for reading this. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Thank you for writing it and welcome. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Your words mirror so many of the feelings we all have felt since losing our beloved soul mate. It's an overwhelming loss that is consuming. Life has changed forever. It's hard to imagine it happened and it's hard to imagine life going on. When my wife Tammy died unexpectedly on March 6, 2015, it felt like my life ended too. And in a way, it did. The woman of my dreams and the life I loved was gone. The dreams of a happy future together was gone. Like you mentioned, it felt like my life had no meaning or purpose. I was an empty shell. Yet here I am 16 months later... It's only been two months for you and this journey will be long. I'm glad you posted here, it's a good step. Try to get plenty of rest and stay hydrated. If you haven't already done so, consider grief counseling. And keep reading all the posts here. We're all on a similar journey to yours; the one none of us ever wanted to take. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope, in time, you will find some comfort and peace in your life. Mitch 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I feel your pain and wish you didn't have to be here it is the worst feeling in the world, we are are at the same time frame of loss my husband passed onMay 17,2016 it is the hardest thing you will have deal with at least for me it is, I wish I could tell you it gets better right now I am not at that level, I still cry everyday, I still miss him everyday, and as much as it hurts we need to feel this to at some time feel some peace not that we will feel better but so we can live with our loss because we have people who need us, I listen to music all the time I look for songs to express my feelings it helps me, this site has helped me these people know our pain and even though they are suffering they try to comfort you with a hope that peace might be someday achievable post your feelings it help you are not alone in your journey 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I am so sorry for the loss of your One. It tugged at my heart when you said 3 hours ago, Chubeka said: just a touch of your hand, that would be enough I remember that passionate cry within myself. It has been 11 years for me since my George died...it took me a great while to learn to cope, little by little, but the missing him continues. I hope you have a grief counselor, they are trained to help us through this journey. Remember to breathe, to eat healthy, drink water, get exercise, and take one day at a time. It does help to express yourself as you are doing. Welcome, you have a lot of people that understand here. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I am sorry for you loss. As been said above please do your best to take care of you. It's been 1 year 1 day since my Dale died and it is still very difficult. However, with the help from this wonderful people on this forum and time, I am learning to adjust a little, but missing him doesn't go away. Keep coming back and post whatever you are feeling, you are with a great group of people here and they do help. Joyce 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 You write your feelings in such a lyrical way, I can feel your pain. No matter how long we were with our mate there is something about their death that we have regrets about. We have regrets that the final moments were not fulfilled as they would have wanted them. We feel we had so much to say but it was not supposed to happen, so the things we should have said were left unsaid. I have had to block those regrets out of my head. It is coming up on nine months. At first I counted every Saturday as another week, then somewhere along the way I started counting out the 17th as one more month. I noticed someone on here, who suffers like we all do, noticed that a certain day had arrived and it was double digit months since their mate had passed. I wonder if that is how it will be, if that is how our life will be? The important dates we will always remember, and the year will come along and we will remember it. Please know you have come to a place of compassionate people who feel their own pain so deeply that they can feel yours too. Please keep reading and posting. Even small moments of help, small steps help. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Chubeka - Welcome to our little forum and I am so sorry you have reason to be here. For you the grief is so fresh and raw. Most, if not all, of us can relate. Do know there is hope but your journey is an incredibly long one. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, make it through one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time and slowly they will all accumulate into weeks, months, years. You will always love Alpha; that will never change. What will change is you. You will find an inner strength that you can not recognize right now. Again welcome, you have found a wonderfully supportive community. Brad 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chubeka Posted July 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 May God bless you all. I really appreciate your words, so comforting and making me feel a whole lot better that I at least have people relating to what I am going through. I truly appreciate it all. I appreciate this forum. I will keep on posting. May you all heal from your losses. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mylovehasleft Posted July 13, 2016 Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 On 7/11/2016 at 5:10 AM, Chubeka said: "It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever." Each morning I wake up and wish for just a touch of your hand, that would be enough... 02 May 2016, my life changed forever. It was around 8 pm when I received a call from Alpha's brother telling me that he had passed away in a car accident driving from home back to his city of work. My initial response was "No! it can not be! I was talking to him that morning and he was telling me he was washing his car, preparing to drive to Durban", then I dropped the phone quickly thinking maybe it was a prank. I went to check his 'last seen' on whatsapp and found it was earlier in the day so I texted him and asked where he is and if he is safe. I anticipated his response but it never came... That moment I knew, he was really gone. The next few days, I sobbed and never got any sleep because I was failing to imagine what it would be like living without him. I met Alpha in 2009 at the age of 18. His brother is a very close friend of mine and we were in high school together, he hooked us up. At the time I felt I was too young and he also had a lot of emotional baggage he needed to deal with. Then we became friends but always had feeling for each other. He still pursued me and only in 2014 we decided to give it a try. I was loved, he was my everything, everything I ever wanted in a man. Kind, patient, caring, giving, selfless, dedicated, hard working, smart, prayerful, loving and just everything beautiful. He went to the moon and back for me. He gave me the kind of love and respect I was longing for. He was saving up to pay Lobola (dowry) for me in December 2016. We shared dreams, plans and the future. I cry about everything that concerns him. I cry at the mention of his name. I cry at how I never got to tell you just how much you mean to me. I have so many regrets, so many what ifs; its driving me crazy. Its like you left me in a room of emptiness where this feeling of darkness is just weighing heavy on my heart. At times I sit ad wish he took me with to the grave. I wish he never left me, because he was my life and now I have nothing to live for. I don't wanna work, I don't wanna see people, I just want you back and tell me we can still get married. You are everything and without you I am truly nothing at all. Thank you for reading this. I am so sorry for your loss I recently in June of this year 2016 lost my love And Almost everything you wrote feels like you pulled the words from my mouth 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 13, 2016 Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 42 minutes ago, Mylovehasleft said: I am so sorry for your loss I recently in June of this year 2016 lost my love And Almost everything you wrote feels like you pulled the words from my mouth I lost my husband in January and I can read my thoughts and feelings in your words also. Although I wish we weren't all here I'm glad we have found this safe haven. Marita 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 13, 2016 Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 10 hours ago, Mylovehasleft said: I recently in June of this year 2016 lost my love And Almost everything you wrote feels like you pulled the words from my mouth I am so sorry you too are going through this. I'm glad you have come here and find some words that you can relate to. I want to welcome you and hope you will continue to feel comfortable coming here and reading and posting. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 13, 2016 Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 I feel as Kay does. So sorry you are here. Marita 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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