marsha

Thank you, Linda, Kath and Boo - this morning the wave has abated, in no small part to your loving words and to Marty's thought provoking articles (thank you, Marty!). I'm not giving up - I'm too damn stubborn. Sometimes, though, I need to sit on my behind, cry my eyes out, and take a breather. And when it's overwhelming, I've got to write it out. I went for a walk on the beach this morning, 30 mph winds, I was getting sandblasted - but I stayed to watch 3 windsurfers leap on the waves, fly the surf so fast - it was like a gift to watch them. Day to day...Hugs to all, Marsha

Rochel - the triggers abound, that's for sure. At my business, I occasionally get the phone call from a solicitor who's spoken to Joe in the past. They still call and ask for Joe. My employees and I have this gallows humor kind of thing where we're going to tell them to call 1-800-HEAVEN. I know it's like a knife in the heart every time you see it.. Hugs, Marsha

Love and hugs, Kath - I have no great wisdom to impart (surprise!!!) - but I hope for peace for you on your anniversary. And good memories...Love, Marsha

Ted - for me, it took 6 months to wrap everything up. I met with my lawyer on January 2 (January 1st was our anniversary, and 6 months anniversary of Joe's death) - I barely held it together. It's like erasing them, in a way, and it's like a black hole of the soul. I drink a lot of wine, and I don't give a s--t - it's all ok here. Hugs, Marsha

Why is it everything I've done over the past 16 months seems negated by what I'm feeling now - and that's in the trough. Don't know what precipitated this one, I never know until I'm in it. But this morning I cried - thinking of those 4 months of cancer hell. The same thoughts and doubts enter my head - I know I couldn't have changed anything, but was I enough for Joe?? I have this nagging feeling that he was expecting me to..I don't know, save him? Be the perfect angel on earth for him? He sat across from me, a week before he died - he said "I don't feel like I'm dying." What the hell could I say? I knew it was a matter of time - I was so unbelievably scared, for both of us - heartbroken, praying constantly. Why is it I feel I need forgiveness? From Joe? From myself? Sorry, guys, I had to get this out. Hugs, Marsha

Apologies, Boo? Not needed from you, one of the most gracious and compassionate women I've come to know. Work hard, but not too hard! Love and hugs, and I very much look forward to hearing from you again when you come down to the slower cycle - Marsha

Chai - I hear you. When I read the "grief books" that said the same thing about not keeping it it, etc., I don't know, I couldn't quite see how or when to do it. I talked about my grief, and my feelings, here, loud and clear. I posted what I felt in my journal (and even a few pages a week is ok). And I talked to my therapist. Talk, yeah, but I could see from the beginning who was willing to hear it and who wasn't. I think your Uncle Michael would very much like to talk about your dad - your dialogue may start as a common ground of grief between both of you, but it can flower from there. Give it a chance, and just go from there. Trust me, you're not going to make him any sadder than he is; or make yourself sadder than you are. Hugs, Marsha

Ted - My primary doctor recommended a therapist - I held off and held off, but finally went to see him about a month and half after Joe died. I saw him, weekly, for about a year. I was glad I did, as it was such a relief to be able to spill out anything and everything to an objective, caring ear. Because he not only listened to me, but he also gently directed me when I got fixated on my anger and guilt. That, plus being here reading and posting, I believe helped me to realize that whatever I was, and am, feeling, is normal. A very important thing when you feel like you're losing it! Hugs, Marsha

Is it a full moon? Because I've been feeling those feelings of guilt again, too. Except now I guess it's survivor's guilt, like I'm still here and Joe isn't. Ted, that verse was very poignant - I know Joe and I gave as good as we got, but...we're human, not saints. We all lived with our spouses/SO's for X number of years - if we didn't get pissed off, or irritated on occasion...well, you know. Hugs, Marsha

Bam - I think the numbness that we've all experienced is a kind of protection from the trauma of what we've experienced. The suggestions here are solid - emotions will come up, and go, and it's a matter of understanding that what you're going through is normal. Right now, please just take care of yourself as gently as you can - drink a lot of water, try to sleep and eat, and know that you have support here. Hugs, Marsha

Linda - I'm so sorry for the loss of your Brian. I've been playing catch up on reading everyone's posts, and I wanted to respond to yours. I think you're doing the right thing, emotionally, by coming here to vent, and leaning on your most trusted friends to be there for you. I'm at just over 15 months, and I swear I could write a book (well, maybe an essay) on insensitive things people have said. I know how vulnerable you feel right now, and it seems that understanding from others is non-existent. I found I sought out other widows' and widowers' opinions when I needed to unburden myself - I could cut right through the crap, and just say how I felt (and I still do it). I honestly don't know anyone who has a direct line to G-d - our faith is personal, and to me, when a person says something to the effect of what G-d's will is -well, to be blunt, how the hell do THEY know?? I sure don't! Please, no offense meant - just wanted to give my 2 cents - Hugs, Marsha

Happy birthday, Kay - please don't be sorry about being depressed - you have a right to be, with all the crap that's come down. Just try to take extra care of yourself now. I'm hoping you feel better soon, both physically and emotionally. Love and Hugs, Marsha

Jeanne - that's a tough one, and I haven't quite figured it out, either. After Joe died, I changed my health care power of attorney to our niece (but she's in PA), and a good friend of mine who is close here. I'm their power of attorney as well. All of our parents are gone. So I put them down, or my brother, who's in NJ. I figure they're a day's drive away. But still, it's the feeling of being alone in this kind of situation that just makes me so -- sad, depressed, heartbroken, panicky - pick one. I would suggest that if you're close to one of your neighbors, put them down, with their consent, and they can just act as the front line until your friends/family are called. I hear you on this!! Hugs, Marsha

I think your plan is a solid one. I'm thinking that advice is given because at one point or another, we feel the need to flee - away from our pain, away from our environment with all the memories. But it takes a while to realize that our pain goes with us no matter where we are; hence, the waiting is to grieve, to just be, to come to our senses and see where we are - and that takes time. I know for some of the folks here, it's not that easy, as financial circumstances dictate the future. Hugs, Marsha

Laurie - I have no doubt that we receive signs - but I only say that here! I think I was about 3 or 4 months out. I was up very early, getting ready to go in and bake. I had the weather channel on, like I always do. I remember thinking, "I can't do this." Then the "local and accurate" came on, and the music playing was "Mercy, Mercy". Joe would sing this to me all the time. I couldn't believe it. I just sat, sneaker in hand, listening, with tears in my eyes. The strange thing is that I have that channel on all day, every day at the shop - and that's the one and only time I've heard that song, before, or since. Hugs, Marsha

Oh, yes, Fredzgirl - right after Joe died, I got the hugs, the condolences, even the tears. Then it seemed like he fell off the face of the earth. It was very lonely and painful for me, because when I brought up his name, I could sense the uncomfortableness, so I retreated. My lovely employees, both with us for 4+ years, both who loved Joe, both who went through his cancer and death - they wouldn't let it go. They brought him up constantly, and I felt very comfortable talking about Joe with them. We started doing it, easily, with customers who also knew and liked Joe. And then people would bring him up, funny stories. It took quite a while, but I came to realize that not only did they not know what to say, but they were remembering him as well, and it was difficult. Our grief is so all emcompassing. People haven't forgotten Fred. Bring him up, you need to talk. This is not a time to worry about what people think - do what you have to, and try not to internalize it like I did. Hugs to you! Marsha (P.S. Suzanne - thank you for this beautiful poem - I needed this as well)

Joe's sandals sat by the front door for nine months before I could even think of bringing them upstairs. I wear his old t shirts around the house - it comforts me. I've started to go through some things just recently, but it makes my heart so heavy, I just don't want to do it yet. My advice is not to force it just because you think you should be doing it. Hugs, Marsha

If we had 5 minutes to speak to our spouses again, what would we say? Joe and I started and ended each day by saying "I love you". I never took for granted that he would always be with me.. but one is never prepared. I went through a mountain of guilt during his 4 months of cancer, and after. So I guess I would first ask him, are you happy? Is it ok? Then I would do like I did every night, body hug him, kiss his eyes, and say "I love you more than anything". What would you say? Hugs, Marsha

Kimi - I'm kind of like Kathy, in that I've tried to avoid places, situations, music that I KNOW will be a trigger. They come anyway, and sometimes from left field. I had a mini-meltdown this morning, at work (while I was still alone, thank G-d). I think I was remembering the dream I had last night - Joe was in it, and we were holding hands, something we always did. It brought up such a feeling of loss, such yearning. It's hard. I've read the book that Korina mentioned, and recommend it highly. In fact, I kept renewing it over and over again (from the library), and re-reading it. Ted, like Mary Linda, aside from certain items I gave away to Joe's kids, all of his clothes are in the closet. Only this past weekend did I go through his T-shirt drawer. And even that, and I'm at 15 months, made my heart heavy. I will deal with what I can when I can, and only then. Like you asked on another thread, there surely is no manual. Hugs, Marsha

Mandi - I'm sorry I'm so late here. My sympathies on the loss of your Joe - my Joe died of billiary duct cancer, after only 4 months from diagnosis. A friend said that cancer is a hurricane, taking out everything in its wake. And it's so true. I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found this site. It helps tremendously to know that we're not alone in our feelings. Korina and Ted - my husband died of cancer, but the guilt and anger came on in full force. What I've slowly come to realize is that Joe was responsible, in charge, of his own life, no matter how close we were. There was just so much I could do to help him, to love him, to be with him. But ultimately, he faced that journey alone. It is extremely hard to come to grips with this. And hindsight makes it worse, because now we have time to think. I wish there were a manual, Ted! It just helps to talk, talk, and talk about it. Hugs to all, Marsha

Deborah - I read something today that really struck me - "there's no such thing as straight line grieving". We go backwards and forwards, again and again - such is the nature of our grief, and our abilities as humans to be resilient. I try to live in the day, not knowing what the future will bring. I think about it, but try not to dwell on it. But like Kath said (thank you for the laugh!), who we were is still who we are, inside. The hard journey is coming to this understanding, to know ourselves again. That's my take, at least. Hugs, Marsha (P.S., GOOD to see you, Valley!!)

Happy Birthday, Deb!!! Remember that we love and care for you...hugs, Marsha

Jo - "Please forgive me" - Please don't even think that way! You touched my heart, and I'm glad to see you here, talking to us - whenever and however you can. Hugs, Marsha

Deb - the strength is within us, even though the outside shell is a little cracked. Grieving is painful, and that's putting it mildly. I'm at only 14 months. If there's one thing I can say from my own personal journey, and please take this from my heart to yours, is not to put a timeline on anything. If you don't feel strong, don't be. Don't force it. I've done most of my grieving within the 4 walls of my house, and in my therapist's office. I cry, scream, journal, dance, and yell at Joe, and at G-d. I allow myself to just be, in whatever form it takes. No behavior is abnormal. Well, I haven't done a voodoo doll yet, but who knows? Love and hugs, Marsha

Valley - I'd also like to add my wishes to you for a successful surgery, and prayers for a quick recovery, both physical and emotional. Good luck, and be well! Love, Marsha