shell

Lori, How wonderful! Thanks for telling us. Hugs, Shell Marty, I read Helen's Christmas Gift a couple of nights ago and loved it. Thanks. Hugs, Shell

Ann, I got the book you recommended and am really enjoying it. I have had ADCs and so did my mom. Also my neighbor and one of my moms best friends, so I do believe in them. I just feel hurt that my mom hasn't "contacted" me in some way, though I think she might have, but can't be absolutely sure of this incident. I thought surely she would. I know that's stupid and probably selfish to feel hurt, but does anyone else feel that way? Hugs, Shell

I love the candle idea and lit one for my parents. Thank you, Marty! Love and hugs to you, Shell

Annie, Wow! You really deserve a big hand for all that preperation and getting through it so well. That would be tough under any circumstances! It sounds like you had a wonderful night and I'm so happy for you. Now, REST!!!!! Big hugs, Shell

M, It's normal to feel extra anxiety this year about the coming dates. As you said, the first year you were still in shock. I don't have much advice I'm afraid, except to just try to ride it through as best as you can. You are going to be weepy and depressed on those days, so feel free to just cry it out. I think you'll know whether you can make it through your boyfriends party when it gets closer to the night. You can always leave if you feel uncomfortable, but you might also have a good time too! You never know which way it's going to go, but it may take your mind off things for a few hours. I've never been to counseling, so I'll leave it to the others to answer that. I wouldn't hesitate to try it though. Hope it goes smoothly for you....try to just float along. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, How neat! I can't wait to hear about it! How did you find someone? Hugs, Shell

Mollie, Good for you. That's a good attitude and philosophy. And you are so right about how forgetting about ourselves can make us a strength for others. Welcome to the board! Hugs, Shell

Karen, I second what Lyn said! You are so loving and your son is lucky to have you. I can imagine how hard it has been all these years and you have handled it so well. My best friends son lives in Bellingham! Big hugs to you, Shell

Hi All, I am also thankful my mom and dad are not suffering anymore. I'm thankful for all my wonderful, loving kitties. I'm thankful for my GriefHealing family, you have all helped me so much. I'm thankful that I have my brother and that he and I get along. I have to add that I'm thankful I have come this far and discovered so much about myself, both good and bad! I'm trying to keep the good and change the bad. And I'm working on just being thankful for each day, for just being. I'm also very thankful for Marty, for without her we would not have our family. Love and hugs to all of you, Shell

Ann, How wonderful that you get all these signs! The thing is, my mom was somewhat psychic and I am a teeny tiny bit, but nothing compared to her. I just keep wishing I would get more signs (I've had a few, I think). Thanks for the book suggestion, something I'm definitely going to read! And thanks for sharing your experiences! Hugs, Shell

Ann, So true about each death being different. And I also think age plays a part. We respond differently depending on how old we are, what's going on in our lives at the time, if you're married with your own family, etc... I'm not saying that any of those things makes the grief more or less, just that it influences it. Grief is just a very complicated process, huh? Hugs, Shell Shelley, Ann said it much better than I did. That they don't want to breakdown or face their emotions, so when you get emotional, it makes them uncomfortable. They shouldn't tell you to get over it, but they are probably struggling too, only aren't showing it. And some people have really delayed reactions. Or for that matter, they might just think they are "helping" you by trying to "shake you out of it". Maybe you should have a heart to heart talk with your sister along these lines. You might be able to make your feelings known to her and maybe she'll understand better. I know my brother and I have talked this out because he isn't grieving as deeply as I am. But talking about it made us both respect the others feelings. Hugs, Shell

It does come and go. Just try to "go with the flow" emotionally and live day to day. And remember that the next day may be surprising...you might have an "up" day. It does happen. I say that because for awhile I didn't think I could be happy at all, but once I sort of gave myself permission that it was ok to feel joy of any kind, I did better. I felt like I was betraying my mom if I felt happy at all, but I realized that I was still here and had to live. I also wanted my kitties to be happier, that made a huge difference. They really pick up on your feelings and they were depressed too and worried about their "mom" being so unhappy. I started faking it around them, acting cheerful and they got happy again too. That made me feel so good and I knew my mom would be happy about that, so by "faking" my happiness, I started to feel a little happier. The old expression "Fake it until you can make it" really is true and helps. Hang in there, sweetie! Hugs, Shell

Allalone, All I can say is, I know how you feel. Hang in there...the "better" days will get to be more frequent eventually. A big hug, Shell

Wendy, I think that silliness is one good way to fight the grief blues! I have done some really silly things along this whole path and they always made me feel good, so get silly...it's good therapy! Hugs, Shell

Karen, Thanks for the lovely post. You are always so loving and gracious. A Peaceful Thanksgiving to you too, and everyone else. And Bob, you are just too funny! I'm glad you're going to take up the offers. Have a good time. Hugs to everyone, Shell

Suzanne, Thanks for sharing your experience. How wonderful! Lori, I can't wait to hear about your experience! It's so exciting to talk with people who have actually done this! Good luck. Hugs to you both, Shell

Shelley, Some people don't want to. or can't, talk about whoever died because they are trying, in their own way, to come to grips with it. It's almost like they are making some headway, and then someone brings it up and they feel the emotional grip again, and feel they are slipping backwards. It is hard for the other type of person, who wants to talk about it, to be around the other type, who doesn't want to talk about it. I think it's easy to be harsh about those types, but I realized that that was their way of coping. Like a wall they have built around themselves to protect them from the grief and their afraid talking about it will crumble that wall. I guess we all talk about how everyone grieves in their own way, but unless they grieve like we do, we think they aren't grieving. Does that make any sense? Hugs, Shell

William, I agree. I think they are very symbolic as far as trying to tell us what's bothering us that we don't realize or want to face when we're awake. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, Thanks for the link. It sounds like fun, I'm going to check it out! Hugs, Shell

Allalone brought up two really good observations. That your grandfathers illness might bring back the memories of your father and that you may have felt your mother married too soon. That would also make you feel maybe "shoved aside", I don't know. It's so hard when your whole life changes and especially when it's several things at once. Hang in there, things will smooth out eventually. In the meantime, can you get together with your mom where it's just you and her, and maybe your brother? So your step-father won't be there? Maybe you can explain your feelings to her and start mending your relationship. Let her know how much you miss what you used to have. Do you see your brother much? How does he feel about the step-father? If none of this is anything you care to share, I'll understand. Hugs, Shell

Allalone, I'm so sorry for all the extra stress you are having to deal with. It seems like it hits all at once, doesn't it? I agree with Bob, that you need someone to talk to and possibly meds to help you get through this rough time. I take meds and so do many of the others on this board and it has really helped a lot of us. As Bob said, you can handle more than you think, but sometimes it just seems overwhelming and that's when you need help (I know that it got that way for me). Hang in there and keep us posted. A big hug, Shell

Allalone, I am always surprised and disgusted at how some people act! If your lawyer says that he can't do anything like he's threatening, then I would tell him that now that your mom is gone, there is no connection between your family and him. That you would rather he didn't contact any of you. I see no reason why you should have to put up with him at all. Good luck. Hugs, Shell

Hey everyone, I had a thought and wondered what you guys think of it. Watching the Lisa Williams show it occured to me that most of the situations she deals with are where unresolved issues were around when the person died or the death of the person had unanswered questions to it. So when some of us get upset because we don't feel our loved ones are trying to send us messages, maybe it's because there weren't any serious unresolved issues left, so they don't feel the need to send us any message. Does that make sense? Hugs, Shell

Allalone, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in June, so we're at about the same point. Everything Lyn told you is so true. And the fact that you feel all alone, but don't want to be around people is so normal! I can't count how many of us have felt the same way. I force myself to be around others, but generally I'm much happier when I'm by myself. My mom and I were extremely close too, and I still can't believe she's actually gone. After she died (at home) and we were waiting for the funeral home to come, I just went in and laid down with her and put my head on her shoulder. Like you, I felt peaceful and calm. I'm sorry that your mom had to go through so much pain and the only comfort you can give yourself is that she is at peace now, hopefully free and happy. That's the only comfort I can find for myself, that my mom and dad are at peace. Welcome to the site and I hope you visit often. Hugs, Shell

Deb and all other dreamers, I agree with Maury, that anything is normal in dreams. And that not being able to get help is just the frustration of not being able to keep someone you love from dying. Unless dreams are very bizarre, you can usually find the "symbolism" in them if you think about it enough and in a broad enough way. I have really srange dreams and have finally just tried to ignore them. Most of the time I understand them, but if I don't, I just let them go or they drive me crazy! There are some that really stick with me, but in general I think we put too much importance on them sometimes. When grieving our minds are definitely going to be a little mixed up, but it's normal. May all of have some dreamless nights! Hugs, Shell