loulou

Hi Niamh.I'm thinking of you tonight as I sit here crying.One year...mine is coming up in 2 weeks.Yesterday I was ok.Now I'm in pieces.Sat. will be one year that I saw my Dad alive although we would talk daily.I remeber kissing his face telling him I loved him.My god the pain is unbearable.I'm thinking of you my friend.I read this post just now,and it felt uncompleted without my reply.Us daddies girls....Anyway,I agree with everything everyone says...such a blur.So hard to except.Love you sweetie.

I have pulled ties from everyone in my life.I try not to talk about it,even to my fiance,because the sting of people not caring or understanding is too much.I think about him all the time,and have never felt so lonely.I really dont like anyone who tried to act like they would be there for me.No one really was or is.

I'm sorry Niamh,for all your loss.I know the anniversary of your dad is coming up in a month and a few weeks.As I was reading your post I began to think of my long line of loss...My Dad's whole side of the family is gone with the exception of his sister.Mine seeems to start on the night I never speak of,when I witnessed a good friend murdered at 17.She was sweet,and it was traumatic.I lived with my grandma and grandpa for a good period of time.My grandma went first,less then a year my grandpa.Lately I think of my dad having to lose them...why did I not understand how hard it was at the time for him?Now with him leaving me,I cant seem to move on without him.I wonder if the pain will ever stop..or if I even want it to.I think of all the holidays,every one,spending it with them,now gone.I have no family left,my mom who is not close to me,my brother,who dosnt hold a relationship with me.I miss my Dad too Niamh.So much.I know your pain so well...

all the time.I always want to call him.we were always talking on the phone.anytime anything happens I think to call him,then remember.It hurts,and makes me think of how alone I am now.

i understand everything you are saying.My younger sister and brother are 1 an 8.I dont really know what to believe about what happens after we pass.I miss my dad so much.He was always upbeat and made me laugh.I have no one to make me laugh.Life is so dreary now.

ha,sports!My Dad was a sports fanatic.He actually passed away during a bowl game of his number 1 team of all times.He was supposed to stay home and watch the game instead of going shoveling.They were losing when he passed,but won after he passed.

I too,lost my dad suddenly and he was young.49.He was healthy,and strong and funny.The grief is unbearable.I still have a very hard time with him being gone.I cant come to terms with it,and I lost lots of friends during this time.I was very close to my dad,we were bestfriends who talked every single day.My phone never rings now,and the hole in my life is huge.You are not alone,this site helped me through the first few months.I still read all the time,but dont post as much.It is hard to see people who have their parents,because it hurts so much to not have mine.I miss him every second.I miss his love and laugh.No one loves me like he did,and its so hard to lose that.Goodluck to you on this very hard road.

Hi Daughter,I tried to post yesterday but my fiancee walked in the room,and to me this site,and what I write is personal and private.I'm sorry for today.My year mark is coming up Jan.1st and I cant believe it.I have been also saying,This time last year...alot.It's very sad to me that this much time has passed,because I'm still so upset and dont want this time to pass.I'm scared to even see snow,and people shoveling,because thats how he died.Friends going quite when you speak of him,ha!I know that all so well.Everyone I talk to goes quite when I bring him up,and it hurts so bad.Its kinda telling you not to speak of him,which hurts.I'm pregnant so I dream all the time,and he has been in alot of them,but to me it makes it harder to wake up.I wonder how you are getting through today...I wonder how I will get through the first of Jan.I always thought I would get really drunk,but since I will probably still be pregnant,that wont be a option.Maybe I will go into labor.Wouldnt that be odd.Anyway,I was thinking of you.Goodluck getting through the day.

Hi everyone.I do not write often anymore,but I do read all the posts.Its just been so hard to reply,like a mental block.This subject is part of my process though,I'm obsessed with this thought right now.My Dad was 49,and his "buddie"asked him to help on a side job on New Years night outside shoveling snow.I told my dear Dad not to do it,but its not in his character to turn someone down.Anyways,I guess he started to not feel well,and his "buddie" told him to go sit in the car.My father died sitting in his car ALL BY HIMSELF,while his dumb buddie shoveled snow outside of it.I have become very angry about this.I hate this guy now.I'm so mad at him that I cant be around him.Why didnt someone sit with him?Or check on him or call an ambulance.The thinking of it brings such horror to me.He was gone when paramedics got there,although they tried to bring him back.My brother and I made it to the hospital so fast,but our goodbyes were too late and I spend everyday wishing I could have had just 1 min. with him to let him know how very much I loved him.Sometimes I wonder if that was they way it was ment to be.Him going by himself.It dosnt help much though.I know how this thought is so painful,and I'm sorry for everyones pain.

2 sweet girls!No!I'm so very sorry to hear this heart-breaking news.Only 10 months after your mom!I have no words.You know we are here for you.I will pray for you and your family.

My Dad always said,"dont worry lou,I'm gonna live to be 100"and he dropped dead at 49.He didnt even make it half way.I get very angry when I think of all the people who have their dad's into their 80s or 90s.My Dad was fit,and young in age and at heart.He was so full of life.10 months ago I had my dear dad,and my life has changed without him.2 days ago was my sisters birthday.She turned 9.My heart breaks for her.My dad was everything to her.Can you imagine the closest person to you passing away in the blink of an eye at 8 years old.And yet she is handling it better then me.I know how all of you feel.I miss him so much I barely have words for it anymore.I cant believe I have lived 9 months since he left this earth.I'm pregnant right now so my emotions are over the top,but everyday I cry for my daddy.I just want to hear his voice,smell him,see him.I feel like I'm a 9 year old.Today it feels comforting to know people feel the same.

This is what hurts the most to me.My dad loved me so much,and never was scared to show it.He showered me with affection,attention and love.He made me feel special everyday of my life,and thr loss of his love leaves such an aching hole.No one could love me that way.No one does.It hurts.I find myself trying hard for approval and a show of affection,but no one fills the void,and I feel worse.I miss him so bad.I wonder if the pain will ever stop.

I was wondering,being next of kin...does that give you legal rights to our dad's ashes?I'm having trouble getting my dad's ashes from his so called girlfriend when they were mine from the beginning.Nobody even wanted them,and she said she was holding on to them for me,and now refuses to hand them over because she wants to split them for her kids(my brother and sister who are 1 and 8).I want ALL of his ashes,and dont feel the need to split them with children that are younger then my own.Chai,I too freaked out about not being in control of his ashes.Its awful and mean.When I went to see the medium she told me my dad said not to worry about his ashes,because that wasnt him.It helped for a bit,but now that we are talking about it I'm upset again.How could someone keep that from us?It almost sends me into a panic.and how can she compare her relationship with him to yours?How very thoughtless.

I posted not to long ago about my little trip to see a very famous medium.I bought the tickets 2 weeks after my dad died and waited months and months on edge,thinking if they were to read me it would change my life,make me feel better,make up my mind on life after death ect.I left chicago feeling more confused then ever.My dad 'came through' but the messages were split.At first it was so on,I was sobbing and was truly shocked,but half way through she started saying things that made no sense when it came to my dad.Each day I wake up thinking something diffrent.One day I will think its all bs,then the next I will remember something she said and wonder how the heck she knew that if she wasnt communicating with his energy.It didnt help in the sense I thought it would but the times I do believe I feel so much better knowing he could be around and is ok.If it was in my power I would go back.Just to see.I wonder....

Niamh,I'm so sorry for your pain.I know how much you miss him and long for him.I have been very sad lately(For 8 months...)but I feel very much alone.I have stopped posting for the most part,I dont know why but I'm lost for words.I read all these posts from new people and I want so bad to post and make them feel not so alone,but its like I'm all out of thoughts that make sense.Every thought is just a repeat over and over.I still cry my eyes out every single day.Is this normal?I still miss him so bad it hurts and cant believe he is gone.I'm very mad that I'm grieving alone.He was so amazing.I dont laugh anymore.I dont feel like anyone loves me anymore.My fiance says,"No one is gonna love you unconditonally (?)like he did"Isnt that sweet?This is what I deal with daily.I have learned to cry to myself.Not share my feelings cause no one really cares.Miss my dad like crazy by myself.It hurts,and I have never felt so utterly alone.He was always there for me.I have no answers for us.I wish I knew how to deal with this.I have been reading about being "depressed while pregnant."I fit every symptom to a T.How to fix it I havnt a clue.I'm here with you Niamh.I hope someday it gets easier for us.love ya

Melina,I cant say I know just how you feel,because I did not lose my husband.I cant imagine how much pain you feel.I lost my dad suddenly on New Years,but he raised me and we were always real close.He was 49,and has children younger then my children.He was my bestfriend,outlet,shoulder,ect.When he passed I was distraught,(still am)and found comfort in sedatives.It got to the point where I would cry everyday and could only stop when I would take my pills.I would take them to go to work,or even the store.They were the only comfort I could find.I think God,or my dad or the universe or whatever saw I needed help and sent me a unexpected pregnancy because I'm sure that was the ONLY thing that would straighten me out.Facing my grief is so hard without the dullness of the pills,and so many times I wish I could have them.But this is how it is.I'm very torn on how to respond to medicine questions.They are dangerous,but also they do help greatly.Its a fine line.I know I'm not helping,but I wanted to share that with you.Its a slippery slope.My heart breaks for you.I have read all your posts,and you are fresh into this.I would like to say do what you need to help you through this very tough time period,but if you feel like your becoming dependent step back and address it before its out of control.Strength and hugs to you.

I just want to say that I'm sorry for what your going through.I lost my dad on New Years day this year.I'm having a hard time moving on,and have had alot of the forgetfulness that you are talking about.I know your not going nuts!Or maybe we both are...I didn't know it would be this all consuming.It seems that people are over this now and I feel like I hide my feelings alot now.My friends and even my fiancee dont bring up my dad,and what hurts the most at the moment is that I feel kinda like he is more distant now,which was what I didn't want to happen.Like he was so fresh in my mind before,and now he isnt so real anymore.My dad had a great sense of humor too.I think its great that you were still able to make it through school,and I'm sure he is very proud of you.And I hope you find a therapist that will help you.This site should help a little too.Good luck to you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.It's so hard to move on.I agree that if I knew he was around and was ok I would be so much better.That's I guess why I need to know so much.Its crazy that you said you had an unusual animal sighting.That happened to me.I would drive around in the country listening to music with a friend who also loved my dad.We would cry and talk about him.On 2 occasions we saw a fox that walked right up to our car and stared right into my eyes for at least 5 min.It freaked me out at the time.I had never seen a fox in my life.They arnt popular around here.I looked up meanings of foxes and it said Chinese believe a fox is a deceased loved one paying a visit.I too have read books on the after life and had lots of things happen that make me believe,but like you,I always doubt myself.Thats the thing.I believe,but she made me question.

Yes Marty,I'm very interested.Thank you for taking the time.I wish meditation was easier for me.My mind refuses to be quite...Thanks again.

I'm having trouble with my dad's ashes.From day 2 at the funeral home it was made clear that I was to have his ashes.His long time girlfriend said she didnt want them,my brother didnt either.I said I did.His girlfriend ended up taking them from the funeral,but told me when I was ready they were there for me.She even had her roomate put them away cause "she couldn't stand the sight of them."Now I have gotten the courage to ask for them she wont give them to me.She said she wants to split them cause my little brother and sister want half.My little brother is 1 years old,and my sister is 8!I know it sounds selfish,but I dont want to share them.I want them,and I shouldnt have to share them with little children.I would be willing to split them when the kids are older but I want what was mine from the beginning.I'm hurt and frusterated because she simply wont hand them over.Sorry,I needed to vent that as its strong in my mind.I think its good to spread them where he loved.My dad wanted me to smuggle his ashes onto his favorite football teams field,so I will try,and I will spread the rest at his favorite fishing spot.Its hard to think of those ashes.Goodluck to you.

Thank you Cheryl,it does help.That is what I need to hear.I have had some things happen,that I would believe is from my dad,and when I was younger I had a good friend who was murdered,and I,along with 2 others felt her presence strongly once.It is important to me to keep believing he is well,and somehow around.Today I woke up thinking maybe this medium did connect with his energy,just maybe misunderstood somethings.My brother says he is starting to believe it,and he is the biggest skeptic.Anyway,I'm very glad your husband shows you he is still there for you.I cant imagine how bad it hurts.No one will say your crazy,because most people who lost someone they love have had these things happen.I thought people would say I'm crazy for doubting it.Thank you.

I want to see what everyone thinks of mediums.I know this topic is touchy,and I do not want to offend anyone in any way,but I'm confused and need opinions.This last weekend I drove a few hours to attend a seminar that I had bought tickets to 2 weeks after my dad died.I had been waiting for this for 7 months.I was beyond excited,and just knew this famous medium would pick me for a reading.Guess what...I was picked for a reading!But after my reading I was left feeling more unsure and confused then ever.Half of what she said was true,or could be true.The other half was totally wrong and so far off base with my dad that I dont know what to think.I feel like the info was generalized and alot of what did make sense could be applied to most young women who lost their fathers.I'm so devastated by this.I believed this medium was the real deal.She is one of the best mediums in the world.I thought I would be able to move on in peace knowing our loved ones are still around us.Now I dont know what to think.I want to believe so much...but I'm a deep thinker and logical person.I know there are people on this site that believe 100%.I have always believed before,now I feel I need solid proof.Please share your thoughts....I need help!

Emptyinside,I know how that feels.I have had friends of 15 years completely shut down on me.I'm talking 1 week after dad died.Now that I can "act" normal again,they seem fine,but I will always remember that they are not truly my friends.I know that sounds harsh,but to me a true friend is someone you can lose it around,and blubber to,and not feel guilty.Someone who would not get uncomfortable about your tears,maybe even would shed a few with you,cause they love you and hurt when you hurt.I even feel dumb breaking down in front of my fiance now,because I can feel a slight tense feeling come over us.Maybe its me.Maybe I'm paranoid.I do have one friend who is all the things I said a friend should be,but only one.Thats how I know it is out there.Maybe give your "friend" some space and decide if you want that to be a superficial friendship like some of mine,or let it go,which I have done to some as well.I dont think you should feel like you pushed that friend away.It's not your fault.Without my one true friend I might have went crazier then I did.I wish everyone would have someone to be open with.The pain is all consuming,if people cant deal with that,thats not our problem.We didn't ask for this pain.love and hugs,(and to Den's gail,and everyone else on this site)

I have started to think that maybe the longer we had our parents the harder it is.My dad just died at 49.I'm the oldest.I have a 26 year old brother,a 8 year old sister,and a 2 year old brother.I'm no doubt taking it the hardest.I think its because I had him the longest.So people shouldnt say what a long great life they had to make us feel better.They should think of what a huge whole it left in our life,after having them for so long.

Niamh,reading this,a memory popped into my head,of me dancing with my dad as a little girl.I would stand on his feet,and away we would go,dancing and spinning.And we would dance great...I was on his feet after all....It also makes me think of the wedding I just attended,watching the bride dance with her dad,and me,having my heart ripped out then and there.(sniff)