loulou

Hi mom of 4.I'm a mom of 2 with one on the way.I know what you mean by not wanting your kids to see you sad.My dad died suddenly on his job,new years day.Today marks 6 months.My dad was very close to me.We live 5 min. away,and talked everyday.He has kids my kids age.I'm having a hard time of it.I still cry daily.I wish I could have been with him at the end,but I only made it in time to id him at the hospital.My birthday was in Jan too and it was the most lonely day.I wish I could feel better.I'm actually ruining every relationship I have.My grief is effecting others.I wish I could stop being so devastated but the fact that my grief makes others mad kinda hurts me.I'm kinda lost right now,dont know how to say what I feel,just wanted to welcome you here...its my life line.

I get mad when I see old people.I know its silly,but I feel like,why did my dad have to die in his 40s,and so many others get to be old!My dad had a 1 year old son who needs him.My dad had so much more living to do.I see old grumpy people and think that my dad would have been so happy to live.He didn't want to die.He always said he will live to be 100.

My friends sister just died of a overdose.(autopsy will tell for sure)The funeral is today,and my heart breaks knowing what they are facing.This very pretty and special girl,with kids and a ton of friends and loved ones is at rest now,but it does nothing to help the people left behind.I'm glad you are starting to come out of this depression.I'm starting to also,after 6 months after my loss.I just wanted to say that I'm here,and I support you.

Kayc,as of now,my mother wont speak to me because I didn't want to watch her dog,so she can go out of town with her boyfriend.I had her dog all last week because she was out of town with her boyfriend,and the month before I had her dog at least 2 weeks,and the month before.Did I mention I have 2 small kids,a dog of my own,a cat,I'm pregnant,and work evenings,so that just putting that on to my fiance.Not to mention I'm dealing with emotional issues such as grieving and medication withdrawl.Had to pipe in to say that its unreal how selfish some people are.

Kayc,I'm sorry for this situation.I know it hurts you.I know you know its not your fault,and that your a good person.No one deserves a mom to treat them that way.It is sad for her,when she will end up alone,but she has done it to herself.You know all of this.I can understand your mixed emotions.After all,when children are mis-treated and abused,they still love their parents,and want to please them.I dont know...I just wanted to give you some support,and tell you that whatever happens,or dosn't,you have gave her so much of yourself,and she hurts you.I'm emotional today,so I'm sad for you.i wish she didnt treat you this way.She is old.She should try to make peace with all of you.She owes her children that,but like you said,there is no reasoning with her.If you cant get what you need from her,then just protect yourself.(you know that)good luck to you. Another loss for you to mourn.Im sorry.

Alison,I actually hear of this happening,and I cant believe some people could be so thoughtless not to mention heartless.You are right.Their things are so sacred now.Just seeing my dad's sock sends me into fits.When someone passes on,it seems to bring out the good in a few,and the worst out in most.I also know what you mean saying your a leper now.I felt the same way.In fact the only reason people at work will talk to me now,is because I have learned to act like I'm ok now.Right after,no one would even look at me for fear they would have to talk.I also want to carry on my life with the positive and happy way my dad did,but now is not the time to start,since I still cry daily for my father.My father had a painfully small amount of stuff.I couldnt bring myself to take anything but a sweatshirt and hat,but those are so special to me.I wear them all the time.I'm sorry for your pain,and the way you have been disrespected.You dont deserve it,and you shouldn't have to deal with it now.Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Hi there Animal-I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.I also(seems to be the theme recently)lost my dad on Jan 1,to a heart-attack.He was 49.I spoke to him,and a hour later I got a call saying he was gone by the time he reached the hospital,and they needed a positive id.You can imagine what came next.I agree with you about the minimize of our pain.I get upset when people say I lost my father.To me he was so much more,and no one can understand what I lost.Although,my heart breaks at the thought of anyone losing anyone they love.I cant imagine losing one of my kids.I couldnt imagine losing my dad(best-friend)either.Our pain is just as great as victims of violence.I havnt been to grief groups or anything.This site is my support system,and it helps because you connect with others who have lost a parent,and they are feeling the same way.No one dares minimize each others pain,because its so huge,and we understand.All the people who tried the cliches on me really p*ssed me off.I hate hearing anything thats 'supposed' to make me feel better.I wont even speak to some of those people anymore.I have to much pain in my heart every day to deal with dumb people who should just keep quite,rather then say thoughtless things.I'm not better.I dont feel better.He is still gone.He may have had a good life,but that dosn't change the fact that it was cut way to short,for him and for me.It dosnt change the fact we are left here without the love of someone so dear to us,so important.We are stuck with our love for them,and no where to put it.It just eats a hole inside.I miss my dad,dearly,as I can tell you do,too.As we all do here.I don't have anyone to comfort about my dad.I'm the one taking it hard in my family.His girlfriend was over it like 2 days after.(I hate her for it,and yes I know hate is a strong word.Its not strong enough:angry2:) My brother is ok.My dad's bestfriends are fine.I'm drowning in sorrow and heartache.I miss him so so much.No one understands or even thinks about my pain,because of course,"he was my parent,and we all lose a parent sometime"yeah they can all f*ck off.

Wow,Niamh-what a song to just come across.It says so much about missin our dads.The words could be exactly what we feel for our dads.It could be a sign.Its a weird coincidence if not.I would have felt like it meant something if I would have heard it.Lets hope it was a sign.I remember driving a week after dad passed,crying of course,and I said out loud,"Just send me a song dad...one to make me feel better."and right after that this song started that I never paid attention to,but it was los lonely boys,'how far is heaven'Not a hugely popular song at all,but I listened to the words,and I will go to my grave believing that song played right then for a reason.Its about someone asking god,how long do I have to wait to go to the better place,because this life has gotten so hard.Anyway,it matched my dad perfectly,even the very beginning they say something in spanish,and my dad used to say those exact words to me.He could have been saying every word in that song to me.It actually did make me feel better.

Alison,I'm sorry to hear of your mom.I'm also sorry to hear your stuck away from your husband.I can't imagine how out of control that feels.Even christmas seems so far away.I know the grief you are speaking of all to well.I'm 5 months into my journey and the pain is still so raw.You are very fresh into it,and I know the pain after 1 month is indescribable.I cant say it gets much better,but it changes,or you change or something.I guess maybe the pain becomes a part of you.I hope you have the support of family with you now.It's so important to have someone to grieve with.We are very supportive on this site.I'm lucky to have found it.I dont have many to grieve with,and this site has helped alot.Please know that we care,and will be here anytime you need to share your feelings.

Aquarius-I'm glad your mom's service was nice.I'm so sorry for it though.When I think back 5 months ago to my dad's,it hurts so bad.I'm proud of you and Niamh(and jealous) that the two of you actually spoke at the service.I didn't speak at my dad's and I regret it everyday.I just sat there and cried like a child,and he deserved more then that from me.My dad's funeral happened on a day we had a snow storm,and some of his long time buddies didn't show.I'm never gonna forgive those 'friends' of his.And about you not wanting to talk to them,and how we see who our real friends are...that's so true.People I thought loved me,I now realize they don't.Friends of mine are no longer friends,and that's ok,because you start resenting those people,and it makes you wanna hold on to the people who do love you.It's for sure a road of great change.I'm changing so much.I dont know where I will end up,but the change is needed,because I dont know how to go on how I was.You are so fresh into this pain.We are here to listen.

Your 2nd post to me has made me feel better then anything has for a while.I always have this guilt for feeling like I do,but deep down,she is too much to handle.I just can't deal with her.I feel like I HATE her,and the negative feelings are not good for me.I actually feel so relieved for you.GOOD FOR YOU.No one should have to be treated that way.My fiance always says that I should just tell her how nasty she is,and she will magically change.That is not true.I have built up the nerve to tell her recently to tell her how hurtful she is to me,and she told me that it was me,that I have changed since dad died,and I'm selfish.(IM GRIEVING for the parent I could count on!)So whatever I say to her,she turns around on everyone else.She is one of those people who tears down everyone she knows behind their backs.She bad mouths everyone she knows.But she is wonderful.Anyways I almost can't wait for the day that I dont have to cry and be hurt by her anymore.As it is,everytime I talk to her I end up crying after.I feel proud for you.I'm glad you made the decision to protect yourself,and you have helped me in a problem no one understands.Thank you.

I miss my sweet daddy too.I have been missing him so much.I miss him making me laugh.Last summer I spent alot of time with my dad hanging out with the little ones in my backyard.Now when I'm in the yard,I can see him,and it seems so close,but he is far far away.Father's day is like a shot to the heart for me.I feel like the biggest part of me is gone...well it is.My father and I were very much alike.We look alike,talk alike,have the same humor,and same temper.My daddy was so very young.I dont understand losing him in his 40's.I cant even except it.I feel so young myself.I feel like the only solid person in my life has left me alone.My dad doesn't come to me in dreams.I always read,that if you ask them for signs,they will always give them to you.Well I have been asking him to show me a sign for a week,and nothing.No sign at all.Makes me wonder.....I miss you dad.Happy fathers day.I love you so much,and I need you in my life.I'm lost without you.

My whole life,(this is hard to write)I have had a weird relationship with my mom.As a kid,she would lay in bed for years,ignoring us kids,ignoring the house,my dad,her life.She said she was 'depressed' and I don't doubt that.My dad would cook,clean,and play with us kids.Around the time I was 10 my parents divorced,my mom got 'saved' and had a nervous breakdown about the same time.She went crazy.Those few years were a blurr of screaming and crying,complete chaos.I modeled and had a good amount in the bank.My mom took that $.I dont hold it against her,but I think about it sometimes.My dad took off for florida.Soon she met a man,and married him 3 months later,sent me to live with his family alone,for a few months.I ended up leaving when my dad came back,and lived with him till I was 16 and old enough to be on my own.Fast forward to now,My dad just died,and maybe it brought the worst in her,or maybe this is how she has always been,but she is so hateful,and mean.She is so jealous of my love for him,that she has been putting him down,me down,and saying the worst thing ever.She tells me he didn't love me as much as my brother,that I wasn't as close to him as I would like to think(thats not true,we talked 4 times daily,and told each other everything)She told me not to make him a mayrter ,that he was a bad guy.He is burning in hell,ect.She has told my fiance that I wasn't being a good mother because of my grief,(I'm a good mom)She has started calling my fiance behind my back,talking s*** about me(he tells me everytime).I could go on and on,but mostly I keep thinking of how toxic she is to me,and how I wish I could cut her loose.You mom sounds very hard to deal with,and I think sometimes blood isnt thicker than water.If she is mean and hurtful than maybe its for the best.It sounds like you did nothing to deserve this.Oh,don't listen to me,I'm quick to say goodbye to people,and it isnt a good thing.I know I should be more tolerant,but I'm so sick of being treated like crap.I just didn't want you to think you were the only one in this situation.Most people have lovely mothers who are supportive and there for them.Good luck to you.I hope she comes to her senses and begs you to forgive her.

This happened to me.My fiance's mom was talking about father's day,and a cookout and kept going on and on.I kept trying to say that my dad just died,(she knows,she was at the funeral)and she kept talking right through me.She didn't even think of my dad,or my pain.I finally spoke up saying"I'm not doing ANYTHING,my DAD just died."she then shut up.She was so worried about her cookout,and doesn't even care about my situation.People are great:wacko:.I want to go to my grandparents grave site.Or crawl in a hole that day.I would go to churh,but I always cry so much at church anymore.

Sheiss,your pain is so real to me,I feel like I could touch it.But I feel that it would be unusual if you didn't have those feelings.I can imagine how hard those dreams are to wake up from.I don't think you are crazy.In fact you sound like one of the most pulled together and strong people I have ever come across.Blessedly my dad died quick,of a heart attack,but the feelings and thoughts you are having seem like the things I have been struggling with.It makes sense,because we are both mourning the loss of our fathers.I think you missing him is normal for someone watching a love one slipping away a day at a time.That has to be so much harder then them going quickly.I don't know how you do it either.I wish a miracle would happen for him,I really do.I don't know if I say the right things,but I feel the hurt,and having just loss my dad,my heart breaks for you and yours.Stay strong honey.Your so very strong for him.

I know this subject is touchy.I had been depending on pills since dad died,and I truly felt they helped me.I was still sad,still cried everyday,for my loss,but they helped my overactive mind slow down so I could focus on one thing at a time.It was very hard stopping them,however.And it is very easy to get overly dependent on them,so I dont know what the "right" thing to do is.I just thought I would say they helped me when I needed it.

Happy Birthday 2sweetgirls. I know nothing is happy for you today,but I'm thinking of you,and wishing you the best.

Niamh honey,I just saw this!I know how very hard it is to hear the voice of your sweet dad.I had 3 messages from mine on my cell for a month after.I recall clearly the pain that I felt in my heart listening to his voice.I could never put that feeling into words.Even thinking of it now...I think it's awsome you have this.mine got erased and I cant hear his voice,and it hurts.The fact your friend will make a dvd is great.To think of this gift,while your having such a sad week,with the memories of your vacation.Maybe it was from him.I do have a feeling it was.And I'm very curious to what that lawyer says.You have to keep me posted.I think it's great that you put that into action,no matter the outcome.At least your putting action to you thoughts.Love you,hon.

My sweet friend,I,too know how you feel.My 30th came 2 1/2 weeks after dad died.I don't think I even thought about my b-day.Ben is right.B-days are to celebrate WITH your parents.Without the person that brought you in to this world,to see you reach another year,whats the point?I'm sorry for your pain today.I can understand your feelings about your friends neighbor,too.I would have felt the same way.I see old people and get mad."Why didn't dad get to be old?"It's silly I feel that way,but that's how I feel.Please have a tolerable b-day.You matter to many people,and you are giving and special.I think your mom will be with you.love & hugs to you.

I have been feeling ok.Not as sick as my last ones,but icky for sure.I'm really sleepy,and my 3 year old doesn't quit.You know how that is.I will keep you posted on things,your involved now:).Here are some hugs back((())),and take care of yourself,too,honey.

That was a great article,Marty.What a beautiful story.It makes me think of all the small "signs"I always blow off...sometimes I hear my dad's voice in my head telling me things.It's only happened like 2 or 3 times,but I hope it really is him.Thank you.

I wonder why sometimes you can feel some people,and sometimes you cant.I also ment to say,I agree with you about the hospitals.I hope you have a ok day.I know non of them are good.At least you can feel her around,and you know she is no longer in pain.I don't have closure when it comes to my dad.He went so fast that he was gone by the time I got to him.I'm sure he knows I love him dearly.If he is around,then he can see that I'm not at all ok.He can see how much I love him.Take care,dear.

Your so sweet.And you are making me happy.I really did have the feeling he had something to do with this at first,then I kinda slipped back to being sad.But it is exciting,isnt it?:blush:And I do think its a beautiful thought of them meeting in heaven first.It brings tears to my eyes.Actually this baby will be due a few days before dad's birthday,which I thought was cool,and amazing.And it was so RANDOM.For sure a gift.Thank you for helping me come to terms with this,you will never know how much it means to me.I really was having trouble seeing anything but the loss of dad.I'm sending you a big hug to you(()),and I hope you have been doing ok.We are almost on the same time line in grief,and I know you are in pain too.If you ever need to talk,I would love to return your favor.-Lila

Ellen,I'm so sorry for your loss.Both of them.I can't imagine watching someone you love so much suffer.Like you,my father died of a heart attack,and I'm thankful for that.You must be a very strong person to have been through that.Your mom was lucky to have you and your sister,and to just read of her last few months was heartbreaking.I agree with the hospital.I know this first hand.My dad and I talked at least 4 times a day,and his death has left a huge hole in my life.I know exactly what you feel by saying how much you talked and now your phone dosnt ring.The love your mom had for you and your sister is clearly huge.Isn't it hard to lose that love?I'm so sorry they are both gone.I'm glad you and your sister have each other to lean on.Your mom's passing is very recent.I'm sure your in so much pain.I think it's awsome you feel her presence around.I search every corner for signs of my dad.I never really know if I'm reaching or not.Your mom just wants to make sure you 2 are ok,because she knew how much you guys loved her.I just wanted to tell you I was sorry,and tell you that this site is great,and it helps alot.

2 sweet girls,I decided to post here,so we dont talk on someone elses post...but yes,pregnant.And it really was a surprise.Obviously I'm not in the right state of mind to be pregnant,and I worry about my depression.In fact,my fiance just left with all his stuff.I cant seem to make any relationships work.So now I'm alone,with no dad to talk to.He was always my rock.No fiance,and pregnant with my third kid.I dont know if things could get worse,but you are right.My dad would be sooo happy.He loved when I was pregnant.At first I thought it might be a gift from him.But then my world came apart even more.I'm scared,and can you imagine my hormones!?!I miss my pills,but I understand that I was too dependent on them,and maybe that is also what he wanted to do,get me off those pills.It would be just like him.Also,I'm struggling with the loss of my dad more right now.I'm sure things will get better,but I feel so hopeless right now.I'm sure me and my fiance will make up,and I'm gonna be happy about a baby...I'm just so overwhelmed.Thank you so much,for the congratulations.It made me smile.