loulou

Niamh,again honey,I know how you are feeling.I ran into one of my dads friends the other day.He asked how I was doing.Instead of saying I was good,or ok,I said Not good,miss my dad so much.He got soo uncomfortable it was almost funny(not quite).He said "he wouldnt want you to be so sad,Lou"I felt like,ok,everyone is over it but me.It's awful to feel that way.I cant grasp it that its just a fact that my dad died.I wonder alot if I'm crazy,cause it seems like I cant except it.My 5 months will be in a couple weeks,and now I believe that the 5th and 6th months can be harder.I wonder if it will ever be ok in our hearts(?)Maybe the day we can hug them again.love you much Niamh....

WHAT I MISS ABOUT DAD.... his nicknames for everyone,and everything . his outlook.When it would rain and be crappy out he would always say"good day for the ducks" .... I miss his loyalty.He would always take my side.... I miss his voice,his smell.... I miss his phone calls,even if I didn't answer,I miss seeing"dad"on my phone 12 times a day... I miss him watching sports,hearing him yell and scream at the tv.... I miss his stories,he had a endless supply of funny stories.... I miss his big brown eye's,even though I can see them in the mirror.... I miss his noises he would make at animals(sounds weird I know)... I miss his young spirit,wearing air-jordans and listening to rap:wacko:..... I miss his love for the buckeyes....I miss his love for me....I miss the things we shared a love for,white choclate mochas,reality shows(survivor,big brother),classic rock.....I cant go on,because I'm crying too hard....I miss you,dad.

Missin sis,I also think that 1 year and 4 months is soo early.I would have never thought so until I lost my dad/bestfriend suddenly.4 1/2 months in and I feel like it was yesterday.When I think of a year,it feels right around the corner,and I know that I will still be crying.What happened to you was TRAUMATIC and heart-breaking.I dont expect you will feel better for a long long while.If ever.Dont be to hard on yourself.

I miss my dad's hugs,too.I can remember the last hug we had,so clearly.It's stuck in my mind.Almost like it was supposed to stick in my mind.I miss laughing.He was the funniest person I knew.I miss laughing with him.

I'm sad to welcome you to the site.I lost my dad in Jan.He died of a heart-attack,so suddenly,my head is still spinning.I know it must have been very hard to watch him go like that.I'm thankful my dad went fast.He too was a strong and proud man.He was also young for a heart-attack.My brother was super close to him too,and while I have been crying for the last four months,my brother seemed fine.No crying,throwing me all the cliches in the book.Now for the last three days my brother has seriously broke down and hasnt stopped crying.It took him 4 months to come out of that shock.Anyways,just wanted to say hi,and I hope you keep posting.It's the only thing that helps me.Dont be strong...be what you need to be.People don't understand.

Shelly,I know that feeling...my whole family didn't feel even half what I felt for my dad.It was more like loathing.It puts a wall between the rest of my family and I.We have EVERY right to feel sad.I cant stand when people expect me to not be sad.I'm sorry for your pain,and I'm there with you.I'm thinking of you.((hugs))

I'm sorry to you both.I cant imagine how hard mother's day was for you both.This site will help you.You can connect with people who feel exactly like you do.In my life,it dosnt feel like many people know how it feels to lose a parent and it's lonely.From the moment I found this site,it has helped.I lost my daddy in jan.And I have not come close to getting better.It's so hard to believe they wont be back.I hope with all my heart they can hear us.That's the only thing that makes me feel like I can handle this.To both of you,keep posting,we are here.The people here support one another,keep your head up you two.

I have heard of that book.I want to read it.Do you really feel sure that our love one's live on?I want to believe so badly.A medium that read Deepak after his father died,and did a great job(they say) is coming to a town near mine,and I have tickets to see her.She will be doing readings,and I CANT WAIT.I just hope....

My sweet friend,I'm sitting here this morning with tears running down my face.I'm having a very hard time too.I have been thinking I'm going crazy,because every day,I think I see my dad..driving,walking,at gas stations.My phone rings,and I think it's him.Is this denial?I didn't think I ever had that step.I know he is dead,but my heart is rejecting it.(its split second feelings for me,too.)I will be 100 with you, only here,only right now.I hate my life right now as much as I miss him.I think my fiancee and I are gonna split.Every relationship I have had is crumbling.I have NEVER felt this alone and lost.Then again my dad ALWAYS had my back.He ALWAYS listened to me,never judged,and was there for me,everytime I needed a shoulder.I want to talk to him sooo bad.I'm in so much pain,REAL pain,in my heart.I have no one.I feel like I'm fighting a battle I could never win.I feel like happiness is gone.It makes sense because I have never met anyone half as funny as my dad.I feel like my smile is gone with him.I dont care about anything anymore.I try,but it's just exhausting. Hang in there Niamh, I'm your friend in grief,love Lila

ms.peg,Im sorry for your loss too.It's seems like people lose their parents left and right.I never realized.Your daughter said something that I thought of myself...wow,I wonder how many people walking around is in deep grieving?My father passed of a heart-attack in Jan.and it was/is crushing.As you said,I never thought it would be him to leave me first.He was my rock,he was my bff,and he was my smile.I have lost it all.He was so strong and healthy.His body was the same as when he was 19 years old.In fact he died working.He was so young.I'm stuck in this state of suspended reality.The days I dont cry all day I walk around with this scary,numb feeling.I just hit 4 months.I wont say it gets easier,i think the pain becomes a part of you,and you kinda learn to go on with it.I get so angry at people that dont understand.(to me thats everyone).And when Ren said that why dosn't the family seem more upset,I feel that also.I just came to the hard conclusion that I loved him the most...more then anyone else.I wish I could have told him that..Good luck to you both.The first month is very very hard.Big, loving hugs to both of you.

Ren,I'm so sorry to welcome you to this site.I lost my dad in Jan.I miss him so very much,and when I think back to two weeks after,gosh,my heart aches for you.It's unbelievably hard and painful.I'm gonna say,prepare to be let down by alot of people in general.I went to work a week after,and it was way to soon.I cried through two weeks.Hang in there,it dosnt get easy,but slightly easier.We understand you.

daughter,I'm thinking of you...I just came up on my fourth month.I dont feel much better,sometimes I miss him worse.I think it's sad that we all have to wait for the pain to lessen,instead of waiting for them to come home.It hurts.I don't like that everyone (friends,co-workers,family)think the problem goes away.Everyone will say "whats wrong"!?!If I look sad,or like I'v been crying.It's like,what do you think?It's not like he has come back or something.I dont know.Just wanted to say hi,and take care.

2 sweetgirls...I just want to say I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet mother.It is heart-breaking,and I just hit 4 months,and my pain seems will never stop.I can see people in my life rolling their eyes behind my back,when I break-down.I want the pain to stop,but I dont ever want to have to get over him dying.I talked to my dad everyday on the phone,and I can still here him saying"hear that car horn,lou?that was me passing your house"everytime I hear a horn now,I hear him say that.How I wish we had a profound "I LOVE YOU" moment.I wish for alot I will never have.I wish wish wish.Anyhoo,take care hun,I'm thinking of all the special people here,and it helps get through the day.

Hi jodi,I miss you,and hope your ok.love from your friend loulou xo

sharla,I just wanted to say hi,and tell you I was thinking of you and your dad,hoping you both are hanging in there.Stay strong,like I know you are.

I havnt cleaned my kids room since dec. before my dad died.I dont do anything unless I have to.I'm ALWAYS exhausted,and so damn fed up.....

welcome aquarius..I'm an aquarius too.I'm so sorry your on this site.Hopefully,it can help you,as it has helped me.From the day I was born my dad was my best and dearest friend.I know the closeness you are speaking of.My father died of a heart-attack in Jan.I spoke to him a few times that day,and then,just like that,he was dead.I still cant believe it,and I'm still not ok.The fact he died of a heart-attack,to me is a blessing.I absolutely can't imagine watching a parent suffer like that.The only thing is that I didn't get to say ANYTHING I wish I could have.I have no advice for you.I just feel for you,and want you to know that you can express your pain here,and we will listen and understand.You said you already have been thanking her for all she has done.Keep doing that,as that is what I wish I could have done.When you talk of feeling bad for things you said or did..I do that.My father used to call me so much that me and my boyfriend used to make fun of it.To just have one of those calls,now...the tears are rolling down my face just thinking of it.I miss him.My grandma died of cancer,and my father took care of her until the end.I think it helped him to know that he was there for her until he could no longer be.Please keep us posted on how you are,and how she is.goodluck to you. p.s.There is nothin wrong with being a mama's boy.I will always be daddys girl:(

Sweetheart,I'm sorry for your pain.You should be proud that you have kept up with your goals through this last year and 5 months.I too was a huge daddies girl,and lost him 3 and 1/2 months ago.I teeter on the edge of crazy most days.Anger?Yeah,I'm right there.Shortness to friends,me too.I speak harshly,and have little sympathy for trivial things.If I had to go shopping for a dress with my friends,I would be disgusted.:mellow:seriously,all my friends call me about is to gossip about people,andI have begun thinking...hmmm..this isnt right,I'm not in middle school.There is serious things to talk about and think about,like,the meaning of life,religion(which I've been obsessing about).Where our father's spirit is,things like that.I have been so overwhelmed with things like cleaning and bills etc.I just wanted to say,I know exactly how you feel.Exactly.Anytime you need to vent,please do.I like to relate to the people here.No one to relate to in my "real world". xo

thank you Leeann and Marty,for taking the time to respond to me,and making so much sense to me.It's great to actually talk to people about it that dont freak out.I cant wait for the day I can actually get some professional help about that night.It's been a long time coming.

It's not that I don't believe in god or a higher power,I just don't believe what I was taught.My dad was not a religious man,but he was a good man.He had a huge heart and was kind and good to those around him.He was affectionate and loyal.If what I was brought up to believe is true,then just cause he didn't attend church,and read the bible,he would stay "sleeping in his grave(he was cremated)",until the second coming of christ,and then he would be sent to hell.My mom even assured me that is what she believes has happened to him.To anyone who tells me that is what I should believe,I tell them,I will believe what feels right to me.And that certainly is not it.I love god,I believe in some sense.My god would not be so harsh to good people,or innocent children,and so forth.I respect that EVERYONE has a right to their beliefs,and I do not judge.

It is remarkable to feel so utterly alone,and then read something here,that seems could have come straight from your own head.I'm haunted by seeing my dad,in the hospital,and the coffin.So stiff and cold,indeed.My dad was strong and full of life,like your mom.Friends are strange creatures!I love that.You are right,you think you have a good one,and then something REAL happens in your life and suddenly,they arnt there.They are there to gossip and bitch,but cant even bring themselfs to reach out AT ALL.And about work.I only waitress 3 times a week.It was very hard at first,even still.I went back to early.Niamh does real work,and I dont know how she gets through it.I havnt posted this but can you believe that last week I was waiting on a table,anyway,it turned out that I waited on the same morticion(idk,)that prepared my dad for his funeral.We got to talking,she said she worke at a funeral home,I asked which one,she named the one we had dad's funeral at,which is odd,cause it was in the next state over.I told her my dad just passed and that was who had his funeral,she asked his name,and I told her,and she started crying and told me she took care of him with love and respect.Wow.I thought about it for days,but it kinda weirds me out.About the kids...they are exhausting,but now and then,I look at my youngest and think,thank god they are here to give me love.There is nothing like a big hug full of love from a 2 year old.Thanks and good luck to you.I'm always here if you need to talk.

I like to cry.I feel such a release from it,and I feel like I cry for him,not just about him.I wish he could see all my tears,because he would know how much I love him and am gonna miss him.I'm sorry for you.They should have never told you not to cry.What are they scared of?Tears dont hurt anyone.They help you.That was un-fair of your family to do to you.

daughter and chai,I feel the same way.I go from being angry,to numb,to inconsolable.I have been changing the way I see things and changed how I feel about people.I have really looked at alot of the people in my life,and said ,no,no,you arnt right for me.Chai,I also feel I have no one to talk to,because alot of my peers don't understand.Also my relationship with my dad was diffrent.He thought he was in his 20's still,and always chose girlfriends that wern't much older then myself.I used to hate it,but now I realize that it made us closer.I never had to be someone I was not.He was the freest spirit I have ever known,yet he took care of me my whole life,and was always there.He was the only person who knew me fully,and I feel like he took alot of me when he died.Instead of thinking of dumb things,I know feel the need to know things on a deeper level.What is life about?Is there really an after-life?You are sooo right.The grief has changed me,for better or worse.I'm still changing because my grief is still coming in tidal waves.3 and a half months,and I'm still drowning in tears.Daughter..auto pilot is the exact term I use when the mindless numb feeling comes over me.I wonder now,how many people are walking around in so much pain,,from the loss of someone they love..I was so blind to it before.It has debilitated me.sorry:blink:I try to help,but then my emotions come tumbling out.

Thank you leeann,I always thought that I talked so much about it during the trials,but the older I get the more the problems manifest into other problems.I will right down the story.That is a very good idea.I do know that talking to a professional would help me.I have held it in for a long time now.I guess the fear comes from visualizing that night,but only when it's a stranger,isnt that weird?I guess when I talk to a stranger it seems I see it from the outside,and realize how traumatic it was for a teenage girl.The two times I have attempted to speak with a professional about it,I had melt-downs and went running for the hills.I dont know what I'm scared of,but your right...memories cant hurt me.They are scary but not dangerous.

It is exhausting.I would like to talk to someone,just to move pass some of the issues.I used to try to talk about the murder to my fiance,but he gets uncomfortable talking about it,so I have kept quite for a few years.I don't think of it often,but I do have triggers.I'm on meds,but do need to work on getting off them,if I could.I can't sleep without them. I get panic attacks.I'm scared of the dark,and I never used to be.My mom said the night after she died I stated sleeping with the TV on.I don't remeber after she died.Just the murder and the trials.I wish I had more $ to see a therapist.I do need to.