Lainey

"The intangibles of true,profound love, are deeply rooted, and continue to nourish and gift us." While I know that is the absolute truth.. I am wondering why some days my heart hurts so much that I feel like I can't go on. I've been through all the firsts, Lars has been gone for thirteen and a half months and I was so proud of how well I was coping. This past week I have cried every day, sometimes because I am missing him,or I saw a paper with his signature on it,or glanced at his picture,heard a song on the radio. How I wish we all weren't having to suffer like this, but I realize the pain is from having loved someone as deeply as we did. I would never have wanted not to know my darling Lars. We are all strong and will make it through this journey,with all its ups and downs. Lainey

Absolutely beautiful,and so true. I've never cried when reading a peom before. Lainey

Funny how something so small as seeing a phrase can set a person off the deep end. "Forever Love " was Lars' and my sign off to each other in every card, letter, or note. I still sign off that way in my journal to him. Carol Ann, you sound sad today. Yes, it hurts every time we must give up another piece of our life with our loved one. Yesterday I opened a box with cancelled cheques from years ago. I was going to start getting rid of things like that but once I saw his writing on them the tears fell and I knew this was not the time. You are a strong lady Carol Ann, this is one more hurdle, but you will make it. Lainey

I've been through all the firsts now and found for myself that I needed part of the day by myself to remember our life together on this special occassion. Then for part of the day I was with my children and g/babies. Hope that gives you something to think about. Lainey

Wow Martina, At 23 days I was still in a fog and nowhere near being to cope with the fact that Lars had actually passed. He suffered for four months at home and in hospital, and was in hospice for eight days, but when he passed I was still unprepared to deal with it. You force yourself to go through the motions, but really have no idea as to what you are doing. Let yourself grieve as much as you have to,enjoy the up days and embrace the down days, they will heal you. Lainey

Gail, I am so sorry for all the losses you have had and I also commend your strength for posting your story. Do not feel that there is anything wrong in the length of time you have been grieving. You are not mourning just for your lost children, but for a partner that has been a huge part of your life for 43 years. To top that, an accident that took your mom. Of course you would still be hurting. I cannot imagine how I would be able to handle all that you did. Is there any groups in your area that you could join that might help you? Maybe someone from a chuch or maybe the hospital in your area has counsillors you could speak to. Hopefully you can find something to help you. Please don't feel that you can't post because you aren't as far as some here. We may be better, but I think we still have many days where we feel like it's just starting over again. As for the movie, I've never lost a child, so can't really voice an opinion. Lainey

"Death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship". That statement says it all, we will never lose the love we carry for our loved ones. I'm very sorry that you are having a hard time accepting that you weren't with Michael his last moments. Lainey

Carol Ann, This is wonderful news for you and Melissa! I knew you could do it. Lainey

Good to hear you're feeling better Carol Ann. Good luck with the root canal, they are nasty things. I'll be thinking of you at the parole hearing and hoping for the best. Lainey

Yep, been there, done that. I was the caregiver for two years and it drained me. The jobs are overwhelming, there seems to never be an end to them. My solution is to e-mail my kids with a list of to-do jobs with a promise of a meal, it works every time. If you don't have family to help, maybe you could hire out some things. I've learned that some decisions can wait, they will still be waiting to be made tomorrow or next week. We really must look after ourselves,our whole system has been battered by grief and we are vulnerable to picking up sicknesses, and if you're like me, there are days when it seems my brain isn't functionong. Lainey

Martina, I believe that Lars was aware who was in the room even when he went into the deep sleep two days before he died. Certain people in life made him agitated, the times they were in the room ,he would turn his head, try to move arms and legs. When I or the children and g/babies were there he was much calmer and his vitals were more normal. I don't really want to know what went on when I had to be away, I carry enough heart breaking memories already. The forgetfulness and not sleeping or eating are normal in the beginning.It does eventually get better. Lainey

Coming to this site has filled many hours of lonliness for me and I have learned alot from the posts. I found new interests to fill my time,walking for one, spending time on the computer, and my love of reading is back.The lonliness can get to be too much at times,maybe you could reconnect with old friends. Wish I had more ideas to help. Lainey

Melina, It's good to hear you sounding positive. I have found as time goes on, I also don't have Lars on my mind all the time, but he is in my heart all the time.I'm glad you are back to work and doing hobbies again. Any distraction helps us to heal more. I don't think you're being disloyal at all and you shouldn't feel guilty because you're feeling better. Lainey

Dear Carol Ann, You will be in my thoughts and prayers Jan.12th. Lainey

Dear wmjsca, Wouldn't it be a wonderful tribute to Clint if you kept his tradition and bought chocolates for all that he did? Lainey

This morning I woke up to thoughts of the suffering Lars went through the last nine months of his life. They aren't pleasant memories and now I'm wondering whether "Quality" is actually better than "Quantity". When diagnosed with cancer, oncologists usually tell you that with treatment of some sort, your survival chances are higher than not doing anything.But..they forget to tell you that "Quality" is usually improvised, be it from the chemo, radiation or meds. that you must take. Lars went through a horredous operation to remove his right kidney, bladder and urether tube in April,2009. He had about 4 months of relief(if you call using a urostomy bag relief). In Aug, the pain in his back was back, by Oct. they found cancer in the lung, liver and probably more places had they probed deeper. The pain was so terrible from Aug. to Dec. when he passed, they had him on morophine and methadone AS NEEDED!! Imagine what that did, not only to his body but his mind. To settle the mind..Anxiety Pills, causing him insommnia..so Sleeping pills. The man was so confused he didn't have a clue as to what was going on. That's what is called "Quality of Life"? Thanks,but NO THANKS !! Right now I have a real hatred towards doctors that push you into making a decision without all the facts. We were told that if the cancer did come back, they would give him chemo. When the cancer was found in Oct. we were informed that the chemo would destroy his good kidney, basically go home and die. Had he known this before the operation, he may have chosen to just live out the last days in peace and less pain. The quantity would have been less, the quality would have been much better. Jan 11th will be thirteen months, most times I find it getting easier to cope, but sometimes something triggers bad thoughts. Today was one of them. Sorry to be so long winded, thanks for listening. Lainey

Cheryl, I don't think it really matters who the out going one was, in our relationship it was me that enjoyed visiting and being with people. Not so much anymore, I go to the gym with a friend, shop for what I need and have lunch with another friend. Past that and I am too tired or miserable to want to do anything or see anyone. I went to a Grief share class and met new people, have yet to call them since the holidays. You are right in saying that we have to get out and meet new people and try new things. Maybe tomorrow!! I hope this feeling goes away soon, as you said "IT SUCKS", and yes, we are starting all over again. Lainey

Chris, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, at least you are talking about it. I found that when I would get angry it helped if I was able to vent , some people just listened,others had some good advice. You neighbor really should have contacted you before giving Tim his insulin, but she must have felt that she was helping you. You shouldn't blame yourself either for having to put him hospice. These things are out of our control most of the time. Let the tears flow, thet are the best way to cleanse your soul. Lainey

Carol Ann, A beautiful song for two beautiful people. I closed my eyes and saw two angels dancing to the music. You are unbelievably strong and have so much courage to be able to share the horrible things you and Melissa have gone through. I respect you for that and hope that sharing your story is making the pain lessen. Hope you feel better soon and can.. No, I know you WILL find the strength you need for the hearing.We're all rooting for you. Lainey

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now, but you are still in the early stages of grief when everything seems much harder. And you are not the only person to feel that way, I know when Lars first passed, I had a very hard time. I felt like no one knew what I was going through and the grief would never let up. I'm now close to thirteen months of being alone and find that things are getting better. My children are adults,but I did find that the g/babies showed some unusual behavior after Grampa passed. The best way we found to deal with it was "talk..talk..and more talk" about him. Your son is only ten years old and it must be very hard on him also. Maybe he needs to vent his feelings . Everything takes time, but it really gets easier as time goes by. Lainey

Carol Ann and Kayc My heart goes out to both of you for the suffering you've endured from family.Both of you are so strong and caring, reading your posts have helped me through some very difficult times. Hugs to you both. Lainey

Carol Ann, Since I first started reading posts on this site I have felt the deep and suffering you have been through.It just isn't fair for someone to have to suffer so long, and now this has to come just when you were sounding so optomistic. Please know that I am thinking of you and am sending you hugs and love. I hope you are able to keep this person behind bars with your impact statement, and that it will ease your mind knowing he is being punished for the horrible thing he did. Lainey

SusieQ, Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is wonderful that people are willing to help others, even in death. My husband had more than one illness and not able to donate his organs. I truly don't know that if it would have been possible for him to donate the organs that I could have been strong enough to agree. I commend you on your strength. Hopefully more people that read your story on this site will think about the possibility of giving also. Lainey

I can feel Lars' love around me all the time, I don't know why, and I don't question it. Just after his passing I felt a physical presence twice, the first time it was wonderful. The second time I was sleeping and it felt like someone was sitting beside me. I was terrified for what seemed a lifetime..I have a dog and an alarm system, but I felt like someone had got into the house and was in my bedroom. Once I realized that there wasn't any one there to hurt me a feeling of peace came over me. I know many people would say it was an overactive imagination,maybe it was. I like to believe that it was Lars. Lainey

Carol Ann, I too am very happy that you are a part of this site. Unknown to you, many things you have written have been a benefit to me. Thank you. Lainey