Lainey

Same to you Harry, and to all the rest of you on this wonderful site. Lainey

Harry, Your post is wonderful, very thought provoking. It is so sad that people do what they do and say what they say, but I agree, if you haven't lost a loved one, you have no way of knowing what people feel. I've lost both parents, a brother, brother-in-law and best friend. The pain of losing them (at the time) was horrible. Then I lost my soul mate and I learned what real pain was and is still. It has got to the point where I can laugh and enjoy myself, then something, anything, will trigger the gut wrenching tears to start over again. I believe that we will always have sadness and lonliness for our spouses forever. I'm sorry that people are stealing your plants and flowers, other than chaining things down what can you do? I love humming birds also, have only seen a flock once and it was so special. I hope your warning to the hawk scared him off. Lainey

Your garden sounds nice, do you have perennials in it? Lars was the gardener also, but I decided I wanted a perennial garden so he worked the soil, added the compost and such, then let me go to town. He was also a carver and carved a face(his) on a tree stump that is in the garden. I love that stump. Lainey

PP, I'm so happy for you that your son is back in America and that he came home safe. I'm sure your husband is watching and smiling down at you. I;d love to hear about your memory stones, are they able to be put outside in a garden? Lainey

Nats, I'm so sorry to hear that you and Brenda are having differences right now. On top of your grief and having to leave the house you and Ruth shared, this is something to add to your stress. You sound like a very loving, caring ,genuine person and for Brenda's sake I hope she can see that. Being in a relationship like hers might have made her just a bit cautious. Keep working on it, you both deserve it. I must confess that when you began posting about your new found friendship, I also got jealous. I know that I am not ready for any type of relationship, but sometimes I wish I had a male friend to talk to, go to a movie or dinner. I enjoy having a good conversation with men once in a while. Lainey

"There is a sacredness in tears, They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief ... and unspeakable love." Washington Irving What an absolutely beautiful quote Nicholas. I don't cry often anymore, but when I do, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Lainey

Happy Birthday Carol Ann, hope your sore throat isn't spoiling your day too much. It's good to have you back. Lainey

Morning Melina, I can imagine the feeling you must have had when you received the Anniversary invitation. Just reading about it makes me feel that life is so unfair and I'm jealous even thinking about it. I know that it's unfair of me to hate people that are enjoying their lives, but that's how it is. I've found that I'm avoiding friends of Lars' and mine simply because they are a couple. I feel bad about it, it wasn't their fault my husband got sick and left this world, but yet the feelings are there. So at 8 months, I don't think you should worry too much about crying over things.We'll all probably be doing it many years down the road, not to sound like a pessimist, just facing a fact of life. Tears of happiness and sadness probably fell when your son told you he was getting married. It's a huge step in his life and Thyge will be missing it(another first).The fact he was sick at the last wedding most likely doesn't help either, just brings all the painful memories back. I'm getting sad knowing that Lars will be missing our 2 oldest g/babies graduating from Grade 8.I hate to even think what my reaction will be when they finish high school, university, get married and the worst... having babies. Hope things get better for you. Lainey

Once the funeral is over, life goes back to normal for the majority of people. It is only us that have lost our loved one that feels the loss and pain. I'm sure your family members don't know or realize what you are feeling, I would be inclined to gently let them know how it makes you feel when you hear them talking of their vacations. As for you children missing out.. if you show them how much you love them and guide them with good values, they are not missing out. Trips to exotic places/abroad are great, but not important. We camped and spent time with g/parents, occasionally we went on a road trip and they were just happy to be with family. Lainey

new, I'm so sorry that you lost your husband, and in such an awful way.Two months make you very new to the pain, you still must be in shock. I can't imagine how we get through those first few months without losing our sanity. I guess that's why our body makes us sleep so much. Take the time YOU need to heal, are you sure you were ready to go back to work? Unless you need the money, it might be a good idea to take more time off. I'm 16 months into this journey and at least 3x a month I just need to veg all day, sleep and relax as much as possible or I'd be exhausted.But it is true, the pain lessens to an extent. You said your counsillor said to phone someone when you're upset. I've found that most people, as you said, are uncomfortable. Until you've been where we are, it's very hard to know what to say. I was one of those that was at a loss for words if I met someone who had lost someone dear to them . Now I'd know how they feel,and would be willing to listen or comfort them. I wouldn't hesitate to call your son if I were you. He is also greiving and maybe is afraid to talk to you for fear of making you more upset. My three kids have been a great source of comfort for me. Once again, I'm truly sorry for your loss. Lainey

Dear Pink, I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain, this is truly the hardest journey any of us will be on. Even though it is hard to believe,we do get better. The terrible pain fades to a dull ache, we never are free of it, but eventually you are able to function and see a future. Learning to do the every day things that husbands do was tough, I hated cutting grass and pulling weeds and blowing snow. Now that it is my job, I've learned to be proud of my accomplishments. Keep reading and posting, hopefully we will be able to help you. Lainey

Hi Anne, Have a wonderful birthday and know that you are special to all of us. Lainey

I can't even begin to imagine the pain your poor wife must have gone through during her battle . I am so, so sorry for you also to have gone through this.You have found a wonderful site, we have all been there,are still there.All of the people on this site have been such a help to me, hopefully you will feel the same. The pain does decrease ever so slowly.The first six months are a complete blur, I did things to the house that needed doing, and kept my mind occupied with cleaning out Lars' things. I'm now into my sixteeth month and beginning to believe that the second year is harder. Every day will bring new pain and sorrow, as deb and mfh said.. do what is best for you. Cry when you need to, it is the best healer in the world. Look after your health, this is the toughest journey you will ever be on and you truly need your strength. Sleep as much as you can to heal, and if you can without it hurting too much , think of the wonderful memories you and your wife made together. Feel free to post as often as you like, we'll be here to listen and maybe help. Lainey

Carolyn, 67 days is way too soon for you to be making any kind of major changes in your life. I would suggest that you try to wait at least a year for that. You are still in shock and pain and may regret later something that you did now. Many years ago I always said that if something happened to Lars I would sell the house immediately. It's been 16 months and I wouldn't think of selling. The memories in this house, not only of him but the children also would be too hard to let go of at this point. As I get older and won't be able to do the yard work and snow removal I may then think of selling.I'm not one to ask the kids for help too often. Think also very seriously before you decide if you'd like to move in with your niece. It sounds wonderful, but you must weigh the pros and cons first. Maybe you could close your house and try living together for 6 months or so.I watched my Mom and Aunt do that and after a year and a half, they realized it wasn't working and my Aunt rented a place so she could have her own space. They were very close before living together, it hurt the relationship a little. I hope some of the posts are able to help you in your confusion. What you are feeling is very normal right now. Hang in there and vent as often as you want, don't worry if you make sense. We've all been there. Lainey

Anne, I loved your story,it was very heart warming. It's true, when we make an effort to help others the benefits come back ten fold. Thanks also for sharing your assignment, I've started doing it in the back of my journal that I write to Lars in . Lainey

Harry, Birthday wishes to you, birthdays will never be the same but the good memories will be there. It's good that your in-laws are still part of your life and invited you to dinner. You are going to be busy on Jane's 4 month Anniversary, maybe that's a good thing. I think we tend to anticipate the worst on special days and that causes more anxiety than the day actually brings. Sixteen months into this, many of the "regular"days are still very hard to get through.I still find the weekends hard even though Lars had been retired for 9 years prior to his death.Weekends were just our special time to do things together and spend quality time time with the family.We still get together,but a special person is missing and to me it doesn't feel quite right. Hoping you have a good day tomorrow. Lainey

Michelle, My children are 42,38,and 37,regardless of age, they need their parent to tell them that it's alright to allow the emotions to flow. Girls find it easier, because boys think it's sissy to cry, they hold their emotions inside. After Lars passed we had many family discussions about our life, how we'd cope etc.One of the girls came to Grief Share with me also. Even though your children are much younger than mine are, maybe they would benefit from some talks. Children really have to be shown how to grieve.. we had to learn ourselves the hard way. I also think getting them into support groups with people their own age could help. Hope this helps a bit. Lainey

After almost 16 months, Lars sits on top of his dresser watching over me at night. It gives me a sense of peace that even if he isn't here in the physical sense, he is with me in spirit, Lainey

The crying is good, it is part of the healing process. What are you going to do with Sally's garden once the weeds are gone? Are you going to clean up the angels and place them somewhere? I have many angels in my yard(when there is no snow) and they have a calming effect on me. I'm going to find another one this spring and put itin the perennial garden for Lars. Keep up the healing. Lainey

Yep, I bet Sally's smiling down at you, not only for cleaning up, but also for the progress you've made. Keep it up. I still talk to Lars every day as if he were here, it'sgoing to be 16 months April 11th. Lainey

Hi MZM, I'm so glad that you've posted again to let us know how you're doing. I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying your new venture, But as Kay and Cheryl both said, you have to find time to grieve properly . Keeping busy is good, but at some point the energy might burn out. You really have to find the time to be alone and be able to mourn your loss. It's good that you met a new friend, and that's all he has to be , it's just nice to have someone to talk to, go places with and just hang out.He can't compare to Zubeir because he isn't Zubeir, there isn't another one like him. But maybe ,given a chance, you will find he has many good traits also. Keep us posted on your progress. Lainey

Melina, I'm not sure I can go through another memorial service. At least not on the anniversary of his death. I'm wondering if maybe we can just go down there sometime during the summer and have a quiet family gathering as we bury the ashes. For different reasons, all our sons will be around this summer until they disperse to different places to continue their studies. I thought it might be a good idea to do it then. More pain to go through..do what you and your sons want.I think you have come up with a reasonable solution that should be acceptable to Thyge's family. I agree with Kay that your SIL wasn't meaning to hurt you,they probably are hurting also.Sometimes when other family members talk about theirhappiness, they haven't any idea how hurtful it is to you.Syl has a good idea about writing a grief letter. People really have no clue how to handle us. I was one of those people that didn't have a clue, boy I learned quickly. I hope you are able to make a decision you feel good about. Lainey

Harry (friend) I'm glad you're able to come to this site and benefit so much from it. I know it is still a godsend to me many times when I feel like no one understands what I'm feeling. You have so many wonderful missions to fulfill once retired. I wish you the best of luck in all of them, with the dedication I "hear" in your post I'm sure everything will go as planned. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you did find a cure for such a terrible disease? I hope the sense of peace you are feeling lasts for a long while. I find the peace I have comes and goes, right now it's gone.. but it will come back. Patience is something I've had to learn in this journey. Keep the posts up, your journey is very interesting. Lainey

Dear mfh, You are in my thoughts, as I well remember the day of Lars' first anniversary. It was terribly hard day. I hope your drive will make you feel better, as you remember all the wonderful moments you spent with your loved one. Sending ((hugs)) your way and I hope you have a peaceful day. Lainey

Kay, I love your commitment list. Not too sure about "cleaning fish". Lainey