Lainey

I have journalled by hand to Lars since just after Christmas last year in a book he actually gave to me for my birthday. I found it feels more personal to share my thoughts with him on paper. Before we were married I lived in a town 120 miles away, so we wrote daily. Maybe that could be the reason I prefer hand writing to the computer. Lainey

Carol Ann, Thanks for telling the newcomers about the candles. I wasn't here when Marty posted the site in 2009, so it was wonderful to find something like that. I went straight to the link and lit a candle for Lars and a few other dear friends we've lost. Lainey

Every where that you go has couples, I know the feeling well ..anger that they are together,despair that I don't have that anymore. You are still new to this journey and these feelings are normal to most of us in the very beginning. I am nearing the one year mark (Dec.11) and finding that now it is mostly a dull yearning of lonliness that I feel when I see couples. I also feel as lost my honey does when I see bickering couples. They have no idea how precious their relationship is. As for celebrating the holidays, just do what you can. If that means doing nothing it is totally fine. I wasn't looking forward to Christmas, but once I got the first few decorations up, I began to feel better. The g/babies are doing the tree next weekend so that is one less thing for me to stress over. I hope you begin to feel a bit better soon. Lainey

I had to make a room for me so I changed his computer room to my scrapping room, brought my computer in and got rid of his. At first it was hard being in the room but if I wanted to be on the computer I had to be there. I got rid of most of the clothes immediately, he would have wanted people in need to have them. As for the rest, most of it is gone. The most important things are in his dresser drawers or displayed throughout the house.I think we all do it at our own pace, there is no right or wrong time. I envy you Nancy, that you are able to choose to be happy. You are right, being sad is very hard. I'd describe myself as happy also,but am having a hard time finding much to be happy about. I am not looking forward to the Christmas season, last year is a blur. I am slowly getting a few things out(mostly for the g/babies) and they can decorate the tree. They say crying is healing for us, I think I should be healed fairly soon if today was any indication. The tears began as I started with the Santas and didn't stop until I was finished. Lainey

Carol Ann, You sound so discouraged, my heart goes out to you. Remember that you are never alone. I think I speak for all here..we, on this site are your family as we are to all that have to be here. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope you feel better soon. Seven years is a long time to suffer and you have been through so much. ((Hugs)) Lainey

Dear Sally, The support group I go to is church based. We have a workbook that we follow. There is a short video on the weeks topic. After the video we break into our assigned groups and discuss(with a facilitator) the video, our feelings and any other topic one of us wants to bring up. We have the choice of answering the questions in the book or not. I have found by filling it in, I am learning more about how I am able to cope with my grief. I am also involved with another group, that was started by an individual who couldn't find what she needed. We meet twice a month at a local coffee shop and generally spend an hour or so talking about how we are coping. Have you checked with the church or hospital in your area to see if they could direct you to a group? Hope this helps a little. Lainey

I am just about to begin the second year of this journey and am already dreading the holidays. I agree totally with Tammy that it is the anticipation that is probably worse than the actual event. That has been my experience in most instances, but even knowing that.. I am still not ready to go on as if my life has not changed.It will never be the same!!

Melina, What an inconsiderate thing to say to you. I think I would have very politely told her to go to____.I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know about the Chutes and Ladders only too well. One day everything seems alright, the next day ..bang, back to square one. I miss Lars all the time and it will be a year n Dec. 11th. Doesn't seem possible but that's the reality of it. Lars was also a very proud Norwegian, who never let me forget that it was them that conquered Russia(my family heritage).We planned a trip there, but sickness took over. Lainey

I would also love to get a necklace. I have checked a few places but have been unable to find anything.Maybe the funeral home? Could Nats or Tammy share where they got theirs? Lars' ashes are in the bedroom on his dresser with some pictures. He loved working in the yard, so I like the idea of spreading the ashes there, maybe my perennial garden. My only worry is what will I feel when the time comes to move. Lainey

I joined a support group this past fall and have been to nine sessions so far. I was amazed to learn so much about things that I had no idea would affect me. We begin with a short video on a topic and have discussions afterward. We have talked about learning to live with the grief,anger, guilt, hatred, God's presence, and coping with people who just don't understand. It has been extremely helpful for me and I encourage everyone to at least try a couple sessions.Even if your loss has been years ..it is a learning experience. Lainey

I'm also finally able to concentrate enough to read again and am happy to say that in the past month ,I've read three. I am also slowly getting back to my backlog of pictures to scrapbook. Thanks, Tammy for bringong this post back to life. It's wonderful to hear of the progress we are making. Lainey

Melina, Ten weeks into this process is so new,your feelings are normal.I think most of us would have felt as you did, listening to someone else enjoying a moment with a loved one.Maybe your Dr. didn't realize you were in the waiting room. I still feel jealousy and anger at couples until I stop and think how unfair I am being to them. It isn't their fault that I lost my husband. I lost my husband almost eleven months ago and still have many days where all I do is cry and mope around the house. By the next day I usually feel better.. Getting the emotions out help to relieve some of the pain, not that I expect the pain to ever go away. Hopefully it will subside and life will get easier again. I find that my hobbies are beginning to look interesting once more. I have been able to actually finish three books in the past month as well as get back(slowly) into my scrap booking. I'm hoping that all of us will at some point come to the realization that we are on our own now. WE are the only ones that can make our situations better, however long it takes. Lainey

PopPop, I have felt Lars' presence very strongly three times in the ten months. The first time it was like he was laying beside me in bed with his hand on my shoulder. The second time our legs were intertwined(we slept like that most nights) and the third time I could feel his weight on the bed as he sat beside me. Other times his presence is felt during a time while I'm making a major decision. Most of the time it is very calming to know that he is with me, but the time he was sitting on the bed beside me scared me. I have a large dog and an alarm system,but was terrified that someone had got into the house somehow. I have always been a dreamer, at first he didn't talk in the dreams, now he does. I'm also looking forward to reading others resposes. Lainey

Jay, Sorry for the loss of your wife, everyone here knows exactly how you feel. I lost my husband over ten months ago and have been doing fairly well until the beginning of this month. Now I feel like I am back to the beginning. My days are filled with memories of the pain and confusion we were going through, my nights are full of dreams of the final days in hospice. "Failure to thrive"- an appropriate way to put how I am feeling right now also. Emotionally I am wiped, physically I make myself go walking, eat half-properly and do what has to be done. I just want the next few months to go by quickly. You're right, everything is the same, yet everything is different. We are all becoming different people,I think knowing our spouses/partners have made us all better people.I also hope that in the future I will have new dreams and hopes. Life is too short to be sad all the time. Our loved ones would want us to be happy and to go on with our lives. Lainey

Kat, I didn't know that the last sense we lose is our hearing. I feel a bit better now, the night before Lars passed I spent most of the night talking to him. I talked about our life together, our children and g/babies, just poured my heart out. I sometimes felt he heard me, but because he was in the deep sleep already, I wasn't sure. I have been remembering so much of what happened last year at this time, and what it led to that I feel like I am back at square one. I just want these next few months to go by quickly. Lainey

I find that for the past two weeks all I can think about is last year at this time. It was the beginning of Oct.2009 that we were told Lars had two spots on his pelvis and one on the lung. The cancer was spreading and because he only had one kidney, they couldn't help him. At the same time the pain became unbearable and he was given very strong doses of morophine and methadone. For the amount the meds helped, I wonder whether he'd have been happier without them, they messed up his mind, he hallucinated, became aggressive and had anxiety attacks. Lars was always very mild mannered, gentle, a big teddy bear. This stranger was someone we didn't know. I'm waking up in the middle of the night and my mind goes straight to the last days at the hospice. At least there they were able to give him a drug that made him lucid for about three days before he fell into the deep sleep and never woke up again. He passed on Dec.11,2009. I am already dreading the days that will lead up to the first year Anniversary.How do I handle these times? Can I just hide somewhere til the day passes? I'm also getting stressed about Xmas, last year I was numb, not so much this year. Any suggestions how to cope? Lainey

Dear Kayc Wishing you a Happy Anniversary on such a bittersweet day : Lainey

The poem was very beautiful. As a mother I understand exactly what she is saying. Sounds like she loves you very much and will be there for you whenever you need her. Thanks also for posting the picture, you are very beautiful and Zubeir was handsome. You look very much in love. Lainey

Melina, It sounds like you are coming out of the deep abyss that you've (we've) all been in and that is wonderful. Reading your post this morning, I could see that you sound so much better. Your grief counsillor must be helping you alot, as well as you beginning to feel better about things. The "aftershocks " I think are something we all get, and I wonder if they ever really stop. I have a close friend that lost her husband 25 years ago, she says she still gets them. Good for you going back to work, just remember to go at your own pace. Some days will be better than others, I would think, trying is all you can do. Your self confidence does come back, I think it takes time, as you said, it was always "us" that made decisions and now it is "me".I made major decisions two months after Lars passed, it was a boost to be able to know I made the right choices during a time when I was sure at times I was losing my mind. Every thing that you decide on, whether it be small or large,gives you the self confidence you need. It sounds like you're doing that already. Wishing you a good day, Lainey

I get very annoyed over the silliest things also, something I rarely did before. Now when the g/babies are over and are being noisy it takes a lot of self control not to say anything. I also get irritated when people don't say Thanks if I hold the door or let them in line ahead of me. And on and on... I'd really like to know why I have become such a grouch. Lainey

I have had so many people that are trying to be polite ask me if I'm okay. My answer to them now is "Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?" It is amazing how quickly they learn to not ask that question again. Lainey

Hi Melina, I am going to group therapy and this is one of the topics that we have discussed.It was suggested that we write a "grief" letter, explaining how we feel, what we are going through. Let the people know what to expect from you in your current state. Let them know what they can do to help during this time. Let them know what is needed and when it is needed. Give this letter to everyone that you know. They will appreciate knowing how to help you. I also found a wish list on this site that says it all.. It was posted 13 August 2004 by a guest,Steve. The title is A Wish List For Those Around You..how you would like people to respond. I've given a copy of this to many people and they were very receptive. Hope these suggestions help. Lainey

Perkins, Today is 10 months that Lars has been gone and it has been very dull and dreary where I live . That doesn't help my mood at all, but am finding that the month anniversaries are getting easier. Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day was hard. It is my last "first", I kept remembering how terribly much pain he was in last year. Anniversaries are a very personal thing, I didn't want anyone near me that day.I bought 2 helium balloons and once I got enough nerve, I sent them up to heaven. Then I sat on the patio swing and cried for 2 hours. I also wrote in my journal. Hope you make it through your day tomorrow, I will be thinking about you. Lainey

Dear Gloria, Welcome to the site, you will find many wonderful people here. I am so sorry that you need to be here,none of us want to be. I lost my husband 10 months ago,we knew that the doctors had done everything they could.. it was just a matter of time. Even though we talked about the inevitable, I still at times wish that we would have expressed our feelings more. He was in a lot of pain and on heavy doses of meds. that made him mixed up and not himself. He slept as much as the pain allowed, at those times I was busy doing things that had to be done. Needless to say, as well as the stress, I was exhausted and there were times when we were miserable with each other. I truly regret this, if I could go back to the last few months, there would be NO fighting. Maybe you could write him a letter saying good-bye and letting him know how much you loved him and miss him now.I started a journal to Lars, at first I wrote in it every day, sometimes every hour. Just poured my heart out to him. Now that I feel better, I still write but only once or twice a week. I also talk to him all the time,especially while I'm driving places. People must think I'm nuts!! Does your girl talk to you about "Daddy"? That might help you also. Keep posting and reading here, some of the advice given here can make you feel much better. Wishing you the best, Lainey

Dear Cheryl, Sometimes we make ourselves be strong in the beginning , and then something comes along and we lose it. Your dogs fighting and the blood etc. could have sparked a memory that you wanted to forget. Could it have been the accident that took Mark that you are trying to forget? We all need to be able to grieve, trying to keep it together for others is just going to hurt us in the long run. You need to take the time to be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, go to the support group for help and keep coming here and posting.You have us to support you. We've all been where you are, it truly does get better. Hope you begin to feel better soon. Hugs, Lainey