Lainey

Tammy, My advice is "Ditto" to what kayc said. The further you stay from the ex while still being polite is the best policy. The girls will see the depth of love you had for their dad and will love you for it in time. Lainey

Sunstreet, Absolutely beautiful.. thank you for sharing that. Lainey

Korina, glad you and your daughter had a great holiday!! Kayc, great news for you to hear from Jim. Here's wishing you luck. Happy birthday, have a great time at Olive Garden. Wish we had one in my town. Sounds like your whole week was great. I had a good week also,went to group therapy, learned alot. Today I taught my daughter and youngest g/baby (10) how to make cabbage rolls. Can't go without them for Thanksgiving! Hope everyone on this site is having a good day. Lainey

My anniversary was 6 months after Lars had passed, all I wanted to do was be by myself. I sent an "I love you" balloon up to Heaven, lit a candle and spent time looking at our wedding album and the pictures of our children,holidays .. anything that was a good memory. The kids asked if I would like to go for lunch or dinner, I appreciated it but wanted to be alone. As someone else said, ask your mother what she wants and respect her wishes Lainey

Linsey, I know how you are feeling. Lars used to carve in the kitchen while I was cooking or puttering. How I wish that there would be wood chips to clean up! I'm sure that Nick knew the meds you were giving him was not the reason he was sick. He was,I'm sure, well aware that it was the cancer causing him pain and sickness. His parents were hurting and lashed out at you. I'm sorry for that,it must have been very hard on you. All of us on this site would happily change places with our loved ones that have left.. that is not what was planned for us. I know that I will meet up with Lars again someday, and that makes things easier to bear. I hope you feel better soon. Lainey

I love the dreams that I have of Lars coming to visit me, especially the ones where he has no pain. Makes me miss him more on those days, but it is worth the sadness to have him back for a short time. Lainey

Good morning Melina, You are completely right in saying that we need more positives on this site. It was Jennalee that started the post on the positives.Maybe the reason there aren't many of those type of posts could be that when we are feeling better we don't need to come here as often. For myself,it is close to ten months now, and there are days when I feel great. I can think of Lars and enjoy the memories we made. They make me melancholy now,I still wish we could have more time, but am thankful for the time we had. Other times it feels like I am just beginning the journey again. Today I have a heaviness that will drag me down,and I find I need to post. My positives are that I am able to cope with this and each day is a bit easier.I am enjoying time with family and a few close friends. I have gone back to the gym (to release pent up energy)and have begun to eat properly again. We will all get through this journey, stronger, more compassionate, and wiser than we were before.Personally, I have benefitted an awful lot from the things that people have posted. Hope you're feeling better soon. Lainey

Mary, I find that I also read alot more than I post on this site. It has been very beneficial to me in more ways than one. To be able to express yourself, knowing that everyone here will understand is wonderful. There is always someone who knows what to say at just the right time. As for remarrying.. that isn't and probably won't be in my plans. Lars was my one and only true love, he can't be replaced . I don't think it would be fair comparing other men to him. Lars also was by no means perfect.. but for me he was. Lainey

Watched your video of Jeff, he looks like a wonderful guy, great smile and lots of love in his eyes. You were a beautiful bride, made a beautiful couple. You both looked so happy in the pictures.The music was also beautiful. Hugs, Lainey.

Hi Melina, I hear what you're saying. After living with someone for my whole adult life and then "POOF" it's gone is a very hard thing to get used to. Lars travelled with his job, so I was used to a few nights of being alone. But NOTHING can prepare a person to a life of lonliness.I dislike coming home to an empty house, so the radio, T.V. and lights are left on now. Yes, you do adjust to it, what choice do you have? We, as a couple had many friends, now they seem to have lost my number. I,like you,never did the "girls" night. I spend more time with the kids and the g/babies sleep over alot.I've also joined a grief group, hopefully as well as helping me, I will find new friendships. You said you worked, maybe you could call a co-worker and go for coffee. The responsibilities that have been dropped onto your shoulders may be a good thing, Melina. Every new experience will make you stronger and you will realize that you are capable of alot more than you think. My first major desicion was to buy a furnace and A/C without the kids' help. After I did it I was very proud of my accomplishment and realized I CAN do for myself. BE proud of yourself. It sounds like your boys are adults or close to. Just keep doing what your husband and you did. Let them know that you love and care for them. Keep them close to your heart, that's what is important. Hugs, Lainey

Hi Tammy, Yes, I had the same reaction as you did over the silliest things. But you're right, we have too many things to process at this time and an added phone call can put you over the edge. Lars has been gone for close to 10 months now, and the important things are all taken care of. He subscribed to a few magazines and some have time left on them. I sent in a name change to the magazines and could not believe that one cancelled, with no refund and wanted me to reorder at the higher price because I was a new customer. Surprisingly.. they do not have my business anymore. Dealing with phone calls.. once the person knew why I was calling most were very nice and even helpful to a degree.Hopefully this is something that doesn't happen to you often. Hugs, Lainey

Chrissie, I know exactly what you're saying.I have felt those same feelings since the day he passed, and it was driving me crazy. With the help of a cousillor I realize now that I did all I could, he knew I loved him more than life itself and I always will. No, there was nothing I could do to take away the disease or the pain. Yes I did all that I was humanly capable of doing. Yes he knew I loved him. I am now beginning to be able to let go of the guilt and it feels good to not have a huge burden on my shoulders.I am able to walk with my head held high because I know I did all I could for the most important person in my life.We all did the best we could. "BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES". Hugs, Lainey

What a great tribute for a birthday. We have always had alot of family dinners, now I find the g/children are usually the first to mention Grampa. It breaks the ice and everyone has something good or funny to tell. Makes it feel almost like he's with us. Lainey

Cheryl, You are so right, even though we all have had our world turned upside down because of a loss,there is always some one that is worse off than we are. We always found it so hard watching the little children coming for treatments. Each and every one of those children acted like this was the norm for them, no crying or fighting about not going to treatment. I wish I had the courage those wonderful kids have. Tammy, Sorry about your husband losing his battle after fighting so hard. You are one of the fortunate (rather than lucky )ones in that you didn't have to watch your husband die the painful death that happens with Cancer. Many people post on this site that they feel they didn't do enough for their loved one, and they have guilt issues. I am one of those people,with help from counsillors and books, I know now that I did all I could. We were under a huge amount of pressure, looking after the sick person, working, running a household etc. At some point we became exhausted,and thought we weren't able to do all that was required.My husband used to praise me for all I did for him,but there were many times I felt like a failure. As well, we who watched our loved one slowly lose the battle, were in the first stages of mourning already. Knowing that the end is coming can be harder,I think, than the actual death. No, you weren't lucky in that you lost your husband, but lucky that you didn't have to watch the pain. Hugs, Lainey

It's so good to hear that other people have dreams of their loved ones. I have had two wonderful dreams in the past nine months. Last week one night I woke up to the feeling that someone was slowly pulling the blankets off of me. I was absolutely terrified, how could someone have gotten into the house, I have an alarm system and a large dog. I tried to scream but no sound came. Then I felt a pressure on the bed and "someone " telling me it was okay. As soon as I heard that, I knew it was Lars checking up on me. I love the feeling that he comes to visit me, and hope that it continues. Has anyone else experienced bad dreams? This was not caused from any type of medication,not on anything. Lainey

A beautiful tribute! Lainey

So very beautiful, so very true. Thank you so much, they are now added to my favorites. Lainey

Bill, the room sounds so special, a wonderful place to go and remember the good times and what a special person your wife was Hugs, Lainey

YES Melina you certainly will make it and one day, hopefully, you will wake up and feel a bit of joy back in your life. As for the firsts, they are also something else you will make it through. Maybe you could light candles on special days, let some balloons fly up to heaven, or whatever makes you feel closer to your lost love. Cheryl had a wonderful suggestion to MZM under the post 'Today's a Bad Day'. She suggested using river rocks and writing on them to the loved one. I think that would be a wonderful tribute and something you could display. Include you children in these firsts, it was much easier for me to face these days with their support. Feel better Hugs, Lainey

Jennalee, You are so new to this club of hurting and sadness. There is definitely HOPE!.I'm near the 9 month mark and find that most of my days and nights are reasonably okay. I do have down time of course, my easiest recourse is either writing in my journal or talking to Lars.(his ashes are in the bed room)Once done, it feels like a weight has been lifted. Dusty and Nats both said what most of us would say. It is a long, hard journey grieving for your lost love..but in time it gets better. Hang in there, we are all here for you. Hugs, Lainey

Jennalee, What a fantastic idea.. something positive when everyone here is sad and hurting! I'm nearing the nine month mark and actually with much help from family,friends and cousillors, have many positive moments. Todays happy thought is that the sun is shining again, and my heart feels open to new adventures. I'm glad to see there are others that are finding positive things in their lives again Hugs, Lainey

What can we do to help you? Lainey

Melina, As Jennalee and Korina and many more have said "our relationship was not perfect". It is so true. No couple goes through life without arguing and having different opinions. I spent over a year looking after my husband. First he had a back operation in Nov,2008 and wasn't very mobile. In April,2009 he had a bladder operation that left him with a urostomy bag that constantly leaked or overfilled. My washing machine ran everyday for at least 2 washes. He also had to driven to back therapy and once the pain from the cancer got worse, he was on such heavy doses of pain meds. that he could hardly function on his own. My job then became a 24 hour job of non stop running. Did I feel resentment? YES!! Did I feel tied down? YES!! Did I sometimes wish I could be somehere else? YES!!Did I feel guilt because there was no time for things I needed to do for myself? YES!!And yet during all these bad feelings I still loved my husband the same as I did when he was healthy. Once we lose our spouse I think we tend to see things differently, 'we had the perfect marriage, our spouse was the perfect person'etc. In truth, once we begin to come out of the fog that we are in at first, we begin to see their faults AND ours also. NO one is perfect, but the person we loved, we loved because they were who they were ,faults and all. Because we all have faults, no relationship is perfect. Now I think back to the time I was taking care of Lars and wish that I could take back many things I said to him in the heat of an argument. He was very laid back and very seldom would he argue, until the last 6 months.So I carry alot of guilt in my heart and there are bad days when it comes back to haunt me. Mostly, I try to remember the good times and my "Happy" relationship. As long as you loved each other and respected each other, your relationship was perfect for you. Do not beat yourself up over guilt, you did as best you could and your man knows that. Maybe you should consider seeing a counsillor to help you understand your feelings and that might make it easier to quit using pills and alcohol as much.It is easy to turn to something to help us forget, the problem is that once you quit using, the pain is right back.I am not being self righteous here, talking from experience with alcohol. To make matters worse many members in my family have a drinking problem and I made a promise to myself many years ago that I would never follow in their footsteps! Surprising what we do when we are not thinking straight. Please try to find help, turn to your children, they are also grieving and need an outlet also. I hope this post makes sense to you.I'll be wishing the best for you. Hugs, Lainey

Hi MZM, As time goes by, I'm enjoying the dreams I have of Lars. At first they made me feel horrible,I would wake up, realize it was only a dream and cry . Now my dreams make me feel like he is back for a short visit. Much as I wish that he was still with me in life, I will take any little time I can get with his spirit. Hugs, Lainey

Dear Jenna, I am so sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age. Life seems so unfair when these things happen. You said you weren't sure if loving someone was worth it. Even though you were married for only two years you probably have many wonderful memories to help you through these rough times ahead. I was married for 43 years and am so grateful for the time we had, but even if had been less time, I would still be thankful. Regardless of age or time spent together, we all have had our futures changed because of death. We planned on travelling when I retired, now any travel will be done solo or with a friend. My heart goes out to you knowing that your husband's body has been sent home to India, will you get any of the ashes? Lars' ashes are on the dresser where I can see and talk to him whenever. Sound morbid?? That is what got me through some of my worst moments. You are still so new to this, the pain is raw, the crying and loneliness never ends. It really does get better, for some quicker than others. I found talking to a couple of close friends and my family(children) and coming to this site was what helped me. Hopefully you find something that will help you. Hugs to you, Lainey