Lainey

Hi Melina, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. I think the time before Valentine's was hard on many of us. I'm sorry that your in-laws don't keep in contact with you. maybe you will have to make the effort and call them.You say you are lonely in Norway.. have you given any thought to moving back to the States to be with your family? I suppose your sons wouldn't agree to that. Even with my family close, I'm still very lonely at times, like when I first wake up and he's not there to say "hi" to,or when I've had some thing exciting happen, My kids wouldn't have thought it was worth talking about, but Lars would have been just as excited. It's that kind of deep lonliness that I think we never lose. Why does everyone think that we should go on to the computer and find a man?? Unless you're ready to think of sharing your life with someone that is not the thing to do. I must disagree with you.. just because you're 52 and not "model pretty" doesn't mean that no one will want you. We're loved for WHO we are, not what we look like. I'm 59 and for sure not model pretty, but hope that when I'm ready someone will care for me as a person, not how I look. I've also found that if you want to meet new people , we are the ones that have to put ourselves out there. That means getting involved in things. I also find I feel so much better when I'm busy. Your envy and bitterness is normal, I think. Istill feel that way at times. Lainey

Dear Tina, I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are hurting. All that you are experiencing is normal, I'd say. You are so new to this journey, and as much as you don't want to hear this, it is a life long trip we are on. It does get better for the most part, but there are times for me that it still feels like it just happened. Lars has been gone for 14 months now.Your being a positive thinker is a benefit in being able to see ahead. Soon the tunnel you are in will begin to show more light. I found that family would put up with my talking of Lars, friends not so much.I have one special friend that I can talk to and she listens, doesn't judge, and gives helpful advice when asked. You're right, we were part of a twosome and how quickly people forget. I try to remember that these people have no idea what or what not to say to us, so it's easier for them to ignore the subject. I agree 100% about wishing it was a movie, imagine being able to change the outcome. Our darlings would be back, no pain, no cancer. If we believe in after-life though,that is how they are now, no pain and suffering.It's us left behind that have the pain and suffering of loss. Dimcl..I also have alot of time to fill. Like most people, at first I shopped. Once I was able to stay at home more, I began to find my hobbies looked interesting again. Also my doctor suggested I volunteer. I took his advice and go twice a week to a nursing home and do whatever they need me for. So far I've learned to play bingo many ways, we baked cupcakes for Valentines, etc. I'm enjoying it immensely, it uses up 5 to 6 hours in a week and I'm giving to my community. Could you find a place to volunteer at? Lainey

So,so happy for you Carol Ann. Lainey

Thanks to all who replied to my post, my downward spiral is finally going upward again. Kay.. thank you for your words of encouragemrnt. The early aftermath was definitely the hardest part to deal with. I think we must go into overdrive, then numbness takes over and we are able to get through the nightmare. Once the numbness left,and the "firsts" were finally over I had hoped the second year would be easier,now I'm realizing the void that has been left in my world. That too shall get better. Carol Ann..Thanks for the ideas, I do have a small teddy that was given to Lars in hospice that I sometimes hold..I get a whiff of him from teddy. I also shake Brut(aftershave) on my mattress cover whenever I change the bed. It was the Aftershave Lars wore our entire married life. Melina..I definitely had the six month aftershock as well as at nine months.You are so right, I think our grief changes as time passes. The anxiety and panic has passed, now there is just a deep,deep sadness and the realization that someone precious has been taken from me. Lars passed away Dec.11,2009..14 long months ago. I do hope you're feeling better. Kat..You are right, the flowing tears are very cleansing and I too feel much better after a good cry.Maybe I'm going to have to get a little puppy to get some kisses and cuddles. PopPop.. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Lars was also brought up in a house where boys were not allowed to show their feelings.In the last few years of his life he realized that there was nothing wrong in a man crying. I hope that you are able to release your feelings in whatever way works for you. Mary.. Yes, we've survived the firsts and we will survive the rest, I'm hoping they will become easier, and if it is any indication from the ones that have been on this site longer,it will get better. I do have a sense of peace along with the sadness most of the time now. I loved Lars,always will, but at times the physical missing him is almost unbearable. And thanks for the soapbox lecture, it was wonderful. Lainey

Nats, I'm hoping you get through your firsts with as little pain as possible. How wonderful for you that you are blessed with a new friend to share your time with. Happy Valentine's to you both. Lainey

I wish I had had this to show my "friend" the other day. I have to admit that, like Mary, I've learned much about grieving due to my own grief. Before this happened to me, I was uncomfortable around people that suffered a loss. Thanks for sharing this site Carol Ann, it's bookmarked as a favorite. Lainey

My two favorite numbers when I was young were 25 and 43. Lars' birthday was on April 25, 1943. Coincidence?? Mrcelloboy, so sorry to hear what happened to your fiance. Lainey

I sometimes wonder if we have a preconceived idea that there is a certain time frame for us to greive. I think society has made it feel like it is unacceptable to still be greiving after a certain length of time. Lars has been gone for fourteen months now, and most of the time I am coping. I ran into an old friend(or so I thought) and she was shocked that I still missed him. My thought was if you don't want to know my true feelings, don't ask how I'm doing".For someone that has known me for over forty years and knew Lars and the happiness we shared, it felt like a slap in the face. So what if it takes you longer than the next person to get to a point where you can smile and laugh again? We all heal at our own time , many have other burdens on top of the grief to work out. So be gentle with yourself, time does make it livable. I believe that most of us have benefitted from being on this site, and am so thankful that there are a few "oldtimers" that still post. They are the ones that have been through this journey longest and I think give us the wisest advice. Lainey

I have been on a downward spiral for the past few days and would like to know why I'm feeling this way. Many people have said that the second year is harder than the first one. I was hoping that for me it would be different. A birthday in Dec was the last first , I remember thinking that the journey should become easier. Christmas in fact, was good, as was New Years with my family around me. Last year during the month of Feb. I was in a fog, so the romantic holiday wasn't even thought of. I am very aware of it this year and I assume that is part of the depression I am fighting. Marty posted a website on mfh's topic "Valentines Day" which was very good and I will use some suggestions from it. That doesn't solve the problem that is hurting the most.. the physical hugs and cuddles and kisses that I am missing so much. I realize the pain of losing a partner never goes away, but in time it should ease. I do have many days where I'm happy and can smile at the world, then something hits like a ton of bricks and once again the work begins to crawl out of the hole. Maybe I have to be more patient with myself and accept that this process of grieving is a lifetime thing. Thanks for listening Lainey

I actually came on the site to post about Valentine's. Today has been a terrible day for me, I haven't cried like this for months,but can't seem to stop right now. I figured out that it had to be V. day that is causing me to feel this way.. empty inside. I guess the stores have to market their products, they have no idea how it makes people who have lost a partner feel. They are out for the money only. So much love and happiness is associated with the day and we are all going to be alone. Even if we decide to go to family or out for a meal it's not the same, that special person won't be there to smile and tell you how wonderful you look. No kisses and hugs this year. I hope that everyone here gets through this day with as little sadness as possible, maybe next year will be easier . Hugs to everyone. Lainey

Melina, Don't be so down on yourself, we've all been there and felt exactly what you are feeling. In fact, some of your responses to our whining probably helped many of us. We are here for each other, good moods or not so good moods! Lainey

Carol Ann, It sounds like you are ready to take a leap and start to enjoy yourself again. Melissa would be proud of you. It is too bad that are unable to ride the bike anymore, but the wind will still be blowing in your face if you but a convertible. Good luck and let us know what you choose. Lainey

Chrissie, Thank you for sharing your day with us, it sounds like you are doing quite well on the road to happiness. Lainey

Tammy, Such a beautiful heartfelt letter to all. I'm so happy that you are finding the happiness you deserve. I'm betting that Jeff is looking down and smiling at your progress. I have found that keeping myself busy has made this time easier to deal with and for the most part, I am happy. Of course I miss and always will miss Lars,but I am doing as he wanted.. getting on with my life. There is light at the end of the tunnel, for some it comes sooner than for others, but I think we all will get there. Lainey

Carol Ann, That was a very interesting article, thanks for sharing.So was the article Marty suggested. As for Melissa not smiling down on you.. I think she is. Lainey

Melina, Please don't be so hard on yourself,don't feel like you have to disappear during a difficult period.We are here to support each other, through hope and optimism as well as despair,so if you need to vent, go right ahead. I found that six,nine,and eleven months were the hardest for me to deal with.There were times when it felt like I was digressing quicker than I was progressing, and the silliest things would set me off. I really don't believe that I had complicated grief, I think we all deal with grief at our own pace. Come back to te site, we're here for you anytime.Sending hugs. Lainey

Di, I have done similar to what mfh has done in jotting down things as I remember them. I have a "Memory" book and my children, g/babies write in it also. We all enjoy browsing through it whenever we need to. In fact with all of us doing this, I've learned things about Lars that he did with the children. Rachel, love your memory!! Lainey

mfh, I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way, but you must not blame yourself for anything you did or didn't do. I understand the exhaustion both physically and mentally that you talk about. I looked after Lars for almost two years. There seemed like there wasn't a day that went past without having to take him somewhere(doc, therapy, tests etc.). I didn't ever begrudge him the time, but it was tiring. Please don't second guess yourself about what you did. None of us here knew what the right or the best thing to do was. I truly wish that we had thought more about the kidney operation he had. Lars may not have lived for nine months after, but I believe the quality of his time here would have been better. So really nobody can predict what is right or wrong(especially Doctors). Sending you hugs, Lainey

Melina, Just after Lars died, I had two very powerful dreams where it felt like I could feel his presence. The dreams stopped after that until recently. Now he seems to be in many dreams, mostly good. I'm thankful that he is in my dreams so often, makes it seem like he's closer. Lainey

That was beautiful, thanks for sharing. Lainey

Dear Di, I found at three months I was beginning to come out of the numbness and I remember that I felt horrible. Like you I'm also an A type so know exactly how you feel. I got rid of Lars' clothes right after he died, in fact the day after his death my son took seven boxes of heavy winter clothes to a shelter. Our temps were ranging in the -40's and I knew Lars would have wanted me to donate them.It took longer with the rest. I wanted to change his computer room into a scrapping/computer room for me..did that very quickly, then I hit bottom for awhile(mid March).After that I relied on my children to help a bit more,and we got most of the big jobs out of the way together.My son-in-law did the income taxes for me and will continue. Last weekend I was going to empty some boxes from years ago(he was a saver) and I saw his signature on a piece of paper and that was enough to start me crying again for three days. Today I had no problem emptying the boxes into the garbage. GO figure.. who knows what will trigger the sadness and tears. Time does take the edge off the pain, for me it is always there, but I can now concentrate on making myself the person I am going to become.You said you were afraid to let yourself change. Di, for all that everyone of us has been through, we are all going to be stronger,more compassionate and caring people. Lainey

Thanks Steve, I needed that. I'm a very srong person and when I do have these episodes I come down very hard on myself. Lainey

Belated bithday wishes to you, I'll let you in on a little secret..53 is still young. Right now you may feel like your life is over..it is, as you knew it but that doesn't mean you will never know the joys of being a woman again. Be proud of yourself as time goes on, and you learn how capable you are in doing things you thought you couldn't do. I'm going to be 60 this year and am looking forward to the new things I want to do, and Lars will be beside me cheering me on. I've always been self employed but want to explore the idea of a different job. I want to volunteer,get healthier and many more things and maybe along the way there will be a new friend or companion. Kay put the words much more eloquently than I'm able to,but I agree completely with what she said. Lainey

Tina, I'm so sorry that you lost your wonderful husband. He sounds like a very special man and you loved each other deeply. I am amazed that you went back to work after 3 weeks, I was still in shock,(probably for the first few months),my brain was like mush and lack of sleep didn't help. Sadly, you are right, there are going to be many,many bad days ahead for the first while, somehow we seem to get through them.In between there are good days, learn to cherish those days ,they are a lifeline to getting better. On the bad days,do what is necessary to get through the day.. cry, scream, beat a pillow.. whatever you need to relieve some stress. When I started posting on this site that was one piece of advice that helped a whole lot, as well as the sympathy and caring that everyone shows to each other.We are here to help each other through this nightmare of a journey, so please come back often. We want to hear from you. Lainey

It really doesn't matter how long our loved ones have been gone for.. they are and always will be in your heart. You will never forget them, they are a part of who you became when they came into your life. As Melina said we are just moving away from the pain, some quicker than others,for others the process is much slower. Lainey