Lainey

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE and MIKE. I hope you had a wonderful B/day with MIke's family. I think your idea is super and have a feeling that a few of us will be using it for our next b/days. Some of the signs we get from our loved ones are funny.. Lars collected alot of things (some useful, some not so much).I've been needing certain tools for a project I'm doing and knew he had what I needed,but didn't know where they were. After pricing new ones I thought I should look once again in his things.. surprisingly the tools were on a desk I had checked already( so had my BIL). How could we have both missed them when we looked before??? I don't know how you feel, but for me it's comforting to think that Lars is here with me still.Are am I really nuts?? Lainey

Dear Kayc, I'm so happy to hear that your teeth aren't going to need extensive work and cost, and good luck on the job. Maybe the second place got your name from a person that knew you were looking for a job. Good luck. Sorry you're in so much pain. Lainey

I agree with Deborah, I love to dream of Lars. I feel so much closer to him when I wake up. I've only had one bad dream in the 18 months where I awoke crying.The rest bring me joy and I usually feel wonderful the next day. I'm sorry that you didn't feel that joy Kayc, you're right though in the aspect that you do miss them more. Even knowing I'm going to fel that at some pint, I'd rather dream tham not. Lainey

Dave, I found that most of the time the days before were much worse because that is what we're anticipating to happen.When Lars died 12/11/09 I was dreading Christmas, but because of the numbness it wasn't too bad(I think). The first real first that I had to acknowledge was his b/day. I bought a memory candle, lit it and cried a few hours. Then I cooked a bunch of Lars' favorite foods and the kids came for supper. The hardest was our Anniversary , again the candle was lit, I also sent some balloons up to him.On his death date(Fri), I send a kiss and hug up to him every week. Whatever way you want to acknowledge these days is up to you. Stay in bed, go to special places, look at photos, as long as it feels right to you. Please don't ever regret that you loved someone so deeply and were loved back as deeply. That love is something to treasure. I understand that because you're suffering, you might feel this way now.. later on you will treasure that loved Mike gave so freely to you. Reach out to you family and friends and us on this site. We'll all be here for you, Dave. Lainey

Nats, I can totally understand why you'd be on the floor in total tears. What a special and wonderful visit you had from Ruth, and even the dogs felt her presence. I'm also going to do a garage sale with some of Lars' things(he was a pack rat)and as I was opening the boxes to mark items, the reality hit me hard.Like you said.. one more road block to get over. Lainey

Whatever the length of time that any of us has grieved, we all seem to feel the same way. Dwayne's at 4 months, Deborah is at 5 years, I'm at 18 months.. yet we all wonder what our purpose in life is. Why are we still here? I have 3 children and 4 G/children,they are my purpose in life. Dwayne, your purpose as I see it is to become a wonderful,compassionate nurse. Mary, you need to publish your magazine for people to enjoy.. some of us have to look after the animals. We can all find a purpose if we look hard enough.I'm not lecturing, just hoping people can find something to help them cope. I don't think the pain ever goes away, it may lessen for a period of time and then WHAM.. it's back with a vengance. I feel like I have a huge black hole where my heart was when it comes to Lars. At least now,after 18 months I'm able to remember many happy times we had and can smile instead of cry. The deep sadness will always be there, I fear, but life will go on. Lainey

Carol, I hope this greeting gets to you on the right day. Happy Anniversary, I'm so glad the dance made you feel like Bill was with you. He most likely was/is with you all the time. I think we must believe that they are with us,or I for one would go insane with longing. Lars is with me, guiding me through the rough times and smiling with me during the happy times. Our two oldest g/daughters had Gr. 8 farewell ceremonies and I know he was with me, proud of his babies. Hope this is your last first to get through.I'm at 18 months and have done all the firsts, some of the 2nds have been hard also.It does get a little easier as time goes on. Lainey

Happy Anniversary Mary. The day that you have planned sounds wonderful, I'm sure you will feel Bill's presence today. Lainey

I've learned: to treasure family and friends. that I'm capable of doing many things I thought were impossible. to make good major decisions without asking my children to better understand others who have lost a loved one to accept me for who I've become to accept however long the grieving takes Lainey

Hey Brian, that is wondeful news. Hope you start quickly and enjoy the job. Lainey

Happy Father's Day to the men in our group.Hopefully you'll be able to spend it with loved ones. For the women who are missing our loved one, remember all the wonderful things about him. I've lit my memory candle and will send a balloon to Lars. Lainey

I agree Brian, I wished that I wouldn't have had to do the first year . mfh, I still tend to spend alot of time away from home. I do spend quite a bit of that time at the field house. I was spending more money than I should have been, not large amounts but the small stuff adds up. For the last 3 months I have been doing a spread sheet and am actually spending alot less.I'm much more concious of what I'm buying. I'm sure we've all made a few mistakes,I'm sorry that you got stung so badly Kayc. Lainey

Dear Country Sunshine, I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much, I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I know, at 18 months , it has lessened most of the time.. but then there are times like today, where the moment I woke up I knew that it was/is going to be a bad day. You are so lucky to have been contacted by an old friend of your husband and you. How wonderful to share stories and hear things you never knew about him. I hope you continue your contact, even if it has to be via the phone. It will for sure help you with your lonliness. Lainey

Tammy, Your reasoning as to why Jeff died instead of lived is inspiring to people like me, who after 18 months wonder "WHY".It gives me a complete new perspective. Lars died when he did to be spared more pain than he was already in. Believe me, he had so much pain for the last 2 years of his life, and most of the time painkillers hardly touched the pain. It makes me feel so much better, maybe God was answering our requests to take away the pain. Thank you so much for sharing this thought. Lainey

Anne, Happy Anniversary, I wish you happiness and wonderful memories today and every day. Lainey

Hi Brian, I'm one of the ones that prefer to read more than write,but have done my share also.I was/am quite a private person and found it hard to express myself at first. I'm able to share more now and it depends on my mood just how much I share. There is definitely nothing wrong with you, if this forum helps you in your journey, by all means use it. Everyone is here for a reason(loss) and if not for the writers, us readers could be in trouble. Lainey

Melina, Today is probably tomorrow for you. I wish you much happiness and peace for your birthday, and a good supper. Nice idea to buy flowers, I'm sure Thyge would have picked the same ones. Lainey

Marc, So very true, I echo your words and feelings towards all these wonderful people.I've been on this site over a year and know that if I need reassurance all I need is to come here. Thank you for putting into words what alot of us are thinking. Lainey

When I occasionally run into past friends and they ask me how I am, I've found it easier to just tell them I'm fine. They have no idea what we go through when we lose our loved one, yet they seem to think we should be "over" our pain in a matter of months. I do have a few "true"friends that I talk to and they encourage me to tell it the way it is. I also learned in my grief share group how to write a grief letter to people to explain your feelings and what they can expect from you during this time. You can also express how you would like them to treat you. Pat,my sister has said similair things to me and after 6 months of her calling 2/3 times a week with this attitude, I finally explained to her my feelings and what I was going through. She felt terrible after realizing how callous she sounded and has been terrific ever since. Maybe talking to her would make her understand better the trauma you're going through. Lainey

Welcome to the site, As has been said,we're all grieving in our own way. I lost my husband almost 18 months ago, and for the most part, I'm doing okay. Then the depression sneaks up and I'm back in the blak hole again. I understand that it get better as time goes by, the pain stays but lessens. You may find going to a group session may be helpful, these people are experiencing what you are and cabe of great help. Lainey

Dave, I'm sorry thatyou ahd to join this group because you lost Mike, but this group is very helpful and understanding. You're friend is right, you are strong. Doing even the few things that you've been able to is more than alot of us can say we did. At 26 days I was at my sisters crying day and night. I couldn't begin to focus on anything for at least 6 months. Don't feel you have to be strong or be doing things right now. Take the time you need and mourn your loss. Lainey

Carol Ann, Good luck on Monday. You will be in my thoughts. (((hugs))) Lainey

Melina, Don't be embarrassed with what you posted. I'm sure many of us did basically the same thing as you did after Thyge passed.We just haven't shared. My family other tham my mom and I had/have an alcohol problem and I was determined it would never get me. When Lars died I would have a drink now and then with company. At about 3 months, as the calls and visits slowed down I became very depressed and had a drink in the evening. Soon the 'drink' was 2, then 3 and when I hit 4 I realized that this wasn't a good idea. This wasn't wine.. rum and coke or scotch and water was my choice. I was on sleeping pills, once I quit the booze, I went to my doctor and he gave me a mild A/D which I'm still on, and take the sleeping pills only after a few nights of no sleep. Lainey

Dave, You said" I want my life to get back into a routine". At 25 days you can't possibly get a routine. Today you may feel like you're able to cope, tomorrow may be altogether different. This will go on for a long time. I'm getting close to 18 months and still don't have much of a routine that I follow. I do things when I want, I sleep away afternoons, My kitchen looks like a cyclone goes through it once in a while. There are days I cry over the silliest thing, and then I'm fine for awhile.The only structure I have is going to the field house every Mon. Wed.and Fri. I pick up my SIL by 9 AM and if it weren't for that commitment I don't know if I'd go as often.I'm also walking the neighborhood on the days we aren't at the F.H.I don't work outside the home, run a small business from home and have lost interest in it . Be good to yourself, take the time to heal.. don't rush it. Working makes it hard to be able to spoil yourself, on your days off sleep as much as posible.. it heals your mind and spirit. Remeber to eat properly,and keep hydrated.(As a nurse you probably know this). Of course exercise is important also, as is councilling. Keep posting, it does wonder to e-talk with people in the same situation. Lainey

We also were to have played 'Over the Rainbow" by IZ at Lars' Celebration of Life. It was the last song and we were waiting for it when IZ comes on talking about trying to breathe and dying. The director didn't bother to check the CD's and hit #13 instead of #14.There was no apology to anyone, just the music turned off and she came in and told us to proceed out to the lunch room. I cannot listen to any of IZ's music anymore and I love his music. She was fired the day after we put in a formal complaint, and I truly couldn't be happier. Lainey