Lainey

How true it is that our friends tend to disappear when the going gets tough. Kay I know the feeling of "best friends" not attending the service. I still have trouble understanding why Lars' best friend wasn't at the funeral. Supposedly he caught a flu bug that morning. Anne, it seems like we almost become invisible to others. I feel the same, I'm clean, I brush my teeth, I try to be pleasant but they still see past me. I do have great family support, more from Lars' sisters than my own family. But they all live out of province and though we talk on the phone often, it's not like having them here. Maybe we just have to learn to accept that lonliness is our new partner in life.I for one am yet at the point of feeling that Lars was the only one that I wanted as my partner. Who knows what the future will hold. Lainey

Becky, When my husband found out that he had cancer, we decided like most others that we were going to fight it. He had surgery on May 28,2009 and a month later the report came back that they had got all of the cancer. Trying to recuperate from the operation was a feat in itself, but we were doing it. By August the pain started again and in October we were told that cancer was in his pelvis and lung. Because of the type of cancer he had the chemo would have destroyed his one good kidney and he wasn't a candidate for transplant. We talked about his death, his feelings, my feelings, how I would cope and many other things. I still felt guilty after he died, I blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. Don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could and Randy knows that. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you didn't have a will etc.In Canada, whether there is a will or not, if you're married or lived commom law for a year, the estate goes to the surviving spouse. Please be gentle with yourself, eat properly, try to sleep and try to find something good in your day. This is a long, hard journey we're on and just when you think things are getting better.. it seems like you get whammied back to square one. Lainey

I'm thankful that I have wonderful kids and g/children. I'm thankful that Lars' sister is here visiting me. I'm thankful that I have this site and all the people on it. I'm thankful to be able to laugh and enjoy life again. Lainey

I am not terribly fond of poetry in any shape or form,but I have to say that Nats seems to find verses and poems that are wonderful. Thank you so much for the last two especially, 'I never thought' is just so true and 'Death is Nothing at all' is also very touching. I have copied, printed and framed them both, they are on the desk beside my computer. Please keep the poems coming. Lainey

Dear Melina, Actually you have a purpose.. your sons need you to help guide them. You are also a very valuable contributor on this site. We need you. I agree, no one wants to do this, there are so many days that I just want my old life back, even if it meant looking after Lars 24/7. But we all know that our lives changed the day we lost our loved one. At 10 months I was just comng out of the shock and feeling like you are.. no purpose, not wanting to keep going. At close to 18 months now, I still become very down but there is many things I also look forward to. Tomorrow would be our 43 anniversary , and though I don't look forward to it, I know my reaction will be much different than last year. It was spent crying. Please don't give up, mere existance does become living again, you just have to be patient. I'm sure all of us on the site has said at one time or another that we wished the grieving would end. I think we will grieve forever,just on a different level, the pain will be there, but less severe, the memories will be happy instead of sad. We all grieve at our own rate, so some will recover quicker than others. Someone said they were feeling guilty that they were dealing quite well when others posting are still struggling. On my good days I sometimes feel guilty for the same reason.I loved/love Lars as much as anybody loved their spouse, but maybe I can cope with it better than another. Lainey

Pinkpony, I just read your post and see that you made the trip and had a wonderful time. You're right, we now have to do many things that we relied on our husbands to do. Good for you to have done this, and to have made special memories with your family. Lainey

It is amazing how going to a grief sharing group can help. The one I went to had spouses and grown children in groups. I learned so much about myself, and how to cope with my feelings.Just being able to share your pain and frustration with others helps temendously. Nicholas, maybe you could think about starting a grief sharing group with people from your faith/church. It would give you a purpose as well as being beneficial to anyone that attended.Just a thought. Lainey

Carol Ann, We will all be thinking of you and cheering you on come Monday. You have once again shown your courage, and your bravery in helping to change things for the better. Lainey

Welcome to our family. I'm sorry that you have lost your husband and have to come here. At least you found a very good site with genuinely caring people that are willing to listen and offer advice if possible. It's hard to watch someone you love in pain and have to care for them. I spent 2 years being caregiver to my husband. He had to have back surgery in 2008, in March 2009 we found out he had bladder cancer. In April 2009 he had surgery, was fine( if you call being on all kinds of meds that made you forgetful/tired)fineIn Aug. the pain was getting worse again, by Oct. they were finding cancer in many different areas of the body and on Dec. 11.2009, he gave in to the cancer. The pain and fear of the unknown is severe, mind you, I think we're all in a fog or shock for the first 6 months to a year. I remember that I would cry for hours a day, think I was okay, then something would get me started again and the tears would flow again. Now into 1 1/2 years, the crying is very little but the pain is still there. It has lessened, or maybe it's just a different type of pain. You are very new at this journey we're all on and you will be teary and weepy and lonesome.Do you have emotional support? Make sure you look after yourself, sleep as much as possible.. it heals you. Eat if possible, try to get exercise,and for sure drink water!! It may be hard to eat and do things for exercise but you will feel better. You also need alot of strength for the paperwork and all that we have to do in these situations. "One day at a time" I wish you peace and healing. Lainey

Mrs.B I hope your evening of memories went well. They are all we have to hold onto now. Lainey

You're so right.. it doesn't get easier, the pain and emptiness is still there. Only now after the first year has passed, we understand the reality of this, our new lives. I am finding, after 17 months that the pain is different. Just a dull sad ache inside that no one else sees, but I carry it all the time. I laugh and find many things to enjoy, but Lars not being here to enjoy these things with me is always in the back of my mind. Be very proud of yourself for getting custody of his children, they are so lucky to have you in their lives.At age 30 that is a huge responsibity to take on.I applaud you. Hang in there, take time for yourself and the kids. Lainey

Kay, I'm so sorry that you have a new burden to carry. Isn't there a saying of sorts that says 'the more burdens you carry, the stronger you are'? If that's true, you're a very strong woman. I hope you are able to work things out, it doesn't seem fair to not get any kind of severance or holiday pay. In Canada, we collect employment insurance when laid off. Do you have something like that to fall back on? Good luck and positive thinking Kay. Lainey

Melina, I hope your day in the yard helped. I was in my yard planting perennials and cutting grass. I just finished and the rain started, how nice for it to wait. Sending lots of (((hugs))) your way. You're in my thoughts. Lainey

Tammy, So aptly put, there is never enough time with your loved one regardless if you knew ahead or not. The shock and pain are there. I think for myself, knowing 6 months before Lars died was not any easier to accept than if he had gone suddenly.We at least were able to have some very intense conversations about what I would do, he was able to say his goodbyes to his family and friends. How I long to be able to feel his arms around me again, the cuddles, the shared loved. That will always be the things I will miss most. Lainey

nats, Thank you for sharing such a wonderful poem.. it brought on the tears that really needed to flow. Lainey

"my loneliness and pain has increased dramatically. I survived a year and have enough evidence that I will survive but joy seems way beyond my grasp. I cannot even fathom joy. I am changed forever and that includes an emptiness that will never be filled. mfh " My feelings also.. I know that I will survive. I do find happiness in my children and g/children,thankfully they all live in the same city as I do and we spend alot of time together, as we did when Lars was alive. There isn't anything that will fill the huge black void inside of me, the emptiness, the deep sadness that is with me every step.I'm not interested in finding someone to take Lars' place, just want him back. Year #2 is fast proving to be much tougher, reality has set in... THIS IS FINAL. Lainey

Please come back to this site, we're all here to help you through the horrendous pain you are feeling right now. We probably all have had the same thoughts in this journey, but survived it. Don't give up on yourself, let Marty and this site help. Lainey

Dear sad, I've followed your postand am sorry for the pain you're in. Please know that WE on this site are your support system. All of us care about one another and you are one of us.. so WE CARE. You can tell us whatever you need to, nobody judges what is said. Many of the wonderful people on this site have helped me when I was/am depressed, let us try to help you. Let us know you're okay. Lainey

Harry, Your depression at 5 months is normal, you are beginning to realize the trauma you and Jane have been through. Mine hit at 6 months, 9 months and now into the second year it feels even worse. I believe we are all in such shock, then denial in those first few months that our minds can't function properly.Once the shock wears off to an extent, the depression happens. Mine did go away for a period, but came back with a vengance the second and third times. Since about month 15, it's just there. Having to explain to people the pain and suffering you both went through doesn't help either. I suggest you give yourself some slack.. allow the house to be messy, let the birds look for worms, leave Jane's things where they are until you ar ready to deal with them. If it takes you weeks or years to deal with them, that's your choice. Just don't push yourself at this early stage of your grief. Allow yourself the time to grieve, look after your health and don't worry too much about tomorrow. I hope some of this makes sense, when Lars died I took on many projects to keep my mind busy.. maybe I'm paying for it now. Lainey

Happy Mother's Day to you also and all the other moms and grammas on this site. I'm lucky that all my children live in the same city so we were all able to go to brunch this morning.It put a bright spot in my day. I hope the rest find a bright spot . Lainey

"I've read about some of you who still grieve deeply after a year, two years, three, four, etc. Sometimes I don't know if I have the energy to get through this. I'm so tired all the time" Melina, your words are so true, I don't have the energy anymore and I'm physically tired as well as emotionally tired. And I thought the first year was hard!! Today I tried to recall some of the things that I did last year,other than the obvious things, my mind was blank. My memory is gone, I generally had a list of things to do, groceries etc. Now I make the list and lose it.Motivation is lacking also. I wonder if it could be spring causing these feelings. We both loved this time of year and now I don't have Lars to enjoy it with Hope your feeling better, let yourself have your crying time, it heals you. Lainey

Harry, I agree with the others.. you are a gifted story teller and I would enjoy reading a book you wrote. As for the rings, mine came off a year after Lars died and I replaced it with a "memory" ring that has two rings intertwined with each other. To me it symbolizes the 41 year relationship we had together,our lives will always be meshed together in life and death. I had his wedding ring reshaped into a heart and the ankh I gave him in the 70's is attatched to the ring, it is on the chain he wore and now I wear it. Everyone knows when and if the time is right to remove the rings.. I truly thought that I'd never take mine off, then I knew the time was right. Congrats on your walking, it's such a good cause. Hope you're sleeping better now, maybe part of your sleepless nights are caused from "retirement" stress. You sound like you're going to keep busy,but as you mentioned, there were supposed to be you and your wife.Life sure can throw a curve ball at times. Lainey

Thank you for your words, they are comforting. People told me in the beginning that this nightmare gets better after the first year. As I said before, this year is worse, because the reality is so there. Your words give me comfort and hope that maybe by next year things will be better. Lainey

"Try new things no matter how difficult they are" You're right Cheryl, we should try new things , but you need motivation to do that and I seem to have lost mine.Last fall I tried volunteering at a nursing home.. bad idea, thought about a job, then decided that weas a bad idea. My first year is now a blur of things that HAD to get done as MrsB said. This year reality is settling in and the pain of loss seems harder to bear than before.Maybe spring brings out the worst.. it is a time of new beginnings. We loved to sit outside with coffee, him carving, me putzing in the gardens or reading. That is forever gone and I'm missing it like crazy. Redwind, I'm so sorry that you've lost two husbands. One is bad enough but two.. My heart goes out to you. Lainey

I wish that there were only certain times that made me feel bad, since year two has started every month is crappy. Year one seems like a dream, that dream is now reality and I hate it. Now I'm hoping year three gets better. Lainey