Lainey

[We have changed fundamentally from a "we" to just "me" and it is devastating.] Your story was beautiful and I'm glad that you used all those words to tell us your story.The truth is that we do become "I'or "me" again and yes it is devastating. Thank you for sharing. Lainey

I agree that it would definitely feel like I was cheating on Lars if I found someone to replace him now.But whose to say that in another year or whenever, I meet someone. Maybe my feelings will have changed by then. I don't think I would want to find anyone that reminded me too much of Lars, that would be totally unfair to the man, as well as to Lars' memory.I'm hoping that I wouldn't look at a person and because he isn't what Lars was, consider him second best. I'm hoping I would be open enough to give him a chance. We never know what is waiting for us or how we will deal with it.For now all of your answers are good. Lainey

You have to be a very strong woman to lose a husband, grieve his loss and be able to love another man. I applaud you for your strength. I can't imagine how much you must be suffering, and I would expect that your second loss is bringing back memories of your first husbands passing. My heart goes out to you. This is a good place to come to, we all know pain very well, and are ready to listen . Lainey

Carolyn, It's my experience that when I feel down and am mising Lars that I want to sleep also. Not to dream, just to get past this terrible feeling of sadness and lonliness. When I'm at a better stage, my energy levels come up and I enjoy life again. I truly think this is just another phase of our journey. Lainey

Harry, You are so, so right when you say half your soul is gone. I feel exactly the same. There is a huge black void in my body/heart that is filled with a deep sadness and longing for Lars.I really doubt it will ever go away. You are doing things for yourself now and I think we all have to focus on that point or we would never move beyond where we were. Lars and I also did alot of walking, we loved getting up at 5AM in the summer and getting out. In 2002 he started having problems with leg pain, so we had to slow down the walking, he was stubborn and went regardless of how painful it was. By 2006 he was only able to go around the block and the pain was so bad he gave it up finally.The sicker he became the more I became the caregiver and really had no time and energy to walk.Once he passed, I got back into it slowly, I went to a fieldhouse instead to make it easier. It has done wonders for me, especially on those days where all I wanted to do was stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Keep up the good work. Lainey

nats, Good to hear that things are going well for you. You sure are getting alot done quickly. What do you mean when you say there were no lights in the house? Do people remove them before they sell in the States? In Canada it is required that if you want a certain thing that is normally part of the house, it must be stated in the contract. Just curious. Anyway, I wish you much enjoyment in you new house and that now you can focus on more important things. Lainey

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are going through,you have found a safe place to be able to express your feelings. I'm into this journey for 15 months now and believe me, I still get the gut wrenching pain that feels like my heart is going to explode into a million pieces. Thank goodness the experience comes less all the time, now mostly I carry a deep sadness in my soul.Will it ever go away? According to the oldies on this site.. not so much. But I can live with the sadness, the uncontrolled crying made me an emotional wreck for awhile. Have you considered going to group therapy or councilling one on one? I went to both and really learned alot about grief in th group. I was able to talk to others that were in the same process I was in and we shared many tears and a few laughs(Yes there are things to laugh about). Maybe you went back to work too soon, especially if you were in the same school. Is it possible to take more time off? I'm glad that your friends are there for you, I've found many of "OUR" friends have disappeared,I try to understand but can get very bitter when I think of them. Please keep posting here and don't worry about how long it is. There is therapy in writng and getting it off your chest. Lainey

Dave, I just pray I don't do the two steps forward and 3 steps back as I did in the beginning. We've all done it and we will all probably do it many more times. The point is that you are moving forward. Good for you! Lainey

Melina, Every first that I went through was a very hard experience and I'm not too sure that the seconds are going to be any easier. Lars' birthday was April 25th and I'm already worried about how the day is going to affect me. Maybe we have to quit anticipating the worst and just let it happen. Our Easter is on April 24th this year, Lars was born on Easter Day, so there's something else to think about.We also have a long weekends at Easter, my kids will be here on Good Friday and again for Easter. We are a family that spends at least one part of a weekend together over a meal, so it makes it much easier for me. Is it posible for you and your son to do something different this year? Are your other sons and family able to come home? Melina, you are strong enough to do this. You've come this far and you will continue on this journey until you feel joy and happiness again. To me, it's a battle of ups and downs that will go on for a long time if not forever. But I know there is good times, I'm experiencing them now. Some days, with spring coming, I love to see the sun, I'm excited to get work done in the yard, I can't wait for my perennials to pop out.These are things I really couldn't care less about last year. Lainey

I have to admit that before this happened to me, I was not terribly understanding of people that were greiving for a loved one. Now that I'm the griever, it frustrates me also that people can be so unkind(for lack of a better word).We have to remember that nobody understands the depth of pain that a person goes through until it actually happens to them.Maybe we have to educate these people. I have been very frank with certain people.. they will ask how I am and I ask them "Do you really want to know?". The ones that say yes are my TRUE friends, the others care, but don't really want to know the pain I'm going through. Lainey

I guess Canada is too far from Arizona or you'd have heard me cheer for you. Wow, you are doing great, just remember to go slowly, little steps.Keep us posted. Lainey

Cris, I find Sundays are the hardest day also. We were always together that day,unless there was a football game.I guess the reason it's so difficult is because it's always been a family day. Our kids came here for supper, we'd go to their house, now we still do the same thing but someone very important is missing.Lars has been gone for 15 months and it is getting easier to deal with all of this. Good for you taking a trip by yourself. You're absolutely right when you say we have to do things on our own now. Have a wonderful time, Cris Lainey

Dave, What you did took so much courage,and I'm so glad that you took a first step. While it may not have been a good experience, at least you pushed yourself to do something. Did you take another step today? Remember baby steps are all that are needed.Keep us posted, we're rooting for you. Lainey

Dave, If you've lost your mind because you talk to your wife, then I've also lost my mind. Even though Lars has been gone 15 months I still say "good morning" and "good night" and "I love you" each and every single day.I've asked for his help in decisions that I have to make.It's hard to stop doing something that you've done for so long. I think most of us talk to our loved ones many times during the day. Lainey

How I wish that were true, but no such luck. Lainey

Dave, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your wife, and the friends left. That is one of the harder things to face during a time when you need as many people around to help you. I'm glad you have a few friends that are able to get you out, even though you would rather not go. I was lucky to have my family and Lars' family around for the first month or so. Once everyone left it was like I was in a foreign land...nothing to do, no one to look after( I was the caregiver also). Walmart became my second home for a few months until I realized I was buying and returning. I went to a Grief Share program and started to understand exactly what I had been through and what was ahead. I took up walking in the gym and volunteering, did a bit of redecorating. Anything to keep busy. You have to find things that you can enjoy doing to fill your extra time. Be gentle with yourself at the same time. This is a very hard journey we are on and it takes work to keep our health. The other thing that may help is coming back to this site often. We are all on the same journey and understand what you're feeling. Many of the people have been a great help and inspiration to me. Lainey

Cris, We grieve as deeply as we love is such a true statement.But thank God we were lucky enough to have that kind of love for however long we had it.I was lucky for 41 years to have Lars with me. Compared to you I am still new(15 months) and though most days are good now, there are times when I'm doing something and all of a sudden I can feel the deep sadness building in me until it feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.Sometimes it will last a day or longer,other times the pain goes away quicker. I think Melina may be right about letting go of the pain feels like you're letting go of your husband and life.I try to remember that I will have my memories in my heart for all time, that helps me let go. Lainey

Melina, Don't supress the bad things, you have to deal with them to be able to move ahead.Of course hang on to every good memory you have and cherish them. Lainey

Melina, As hard as this journey is at times, it really does get better. Lars has been gone almost 15 months now,and I still think about our life together every day and wish that it hadn't been taken away. Now the pain isn't as severe, not the gut wrenching grabbing kind of pain that makes you physically sick, but a very deep sadness that I carry in my soul all the time. Sounds awful, I know, but there is a joy there also if that makes any sense. A joy, that I was able to spend 41 years with Lars, that we were able to love each other as deeply as we did, that we had 3 children together and I am able to see Lars through their actions. The main thing I think that all of us have to do is realize that our life as we knew it has changed. We have to remember our lost ones with love and happiness and learn to move on regardless of how long it takes. The fact that Thyge has been gone for only a short time is making it more difficult for you, don't feel there is a time frame on grief, as I've learned there isn't and any thing can trigger all the emotions . Most days there is one or two tiny reminders that Lars isn't here and I become very sd. Thankfully those feelings don't last as long anymore. I hope this helps you a bit. Lainey

I have been on this site for a year now and just wanted to thank every one for being a wonderful support group to each other. It is so good to have a place to come to and be able to say whatever is in our hearts. So much that is said on this site probably would never be said to our families or friends, they would not understand, or it would worry them. But here we are all aware of the hurt we go through losing a spouse or partner. I read more than I post and have learned so much from everyone, gotten encouragement when I have posted, and have felt at times that you are the only ones that understand me. So, from my heart, I send thanks to all of the special people here. Lainey

nats, I can imagine how hard this all must be for you, but as you say, there is a reason for everything that happens. I would really find it difficult to leave the home Lars and I lived in for 30 years. There are so many wonderful memories here, as I'm sure your house has, but they will be carried in your heart with you to your new house. Is the picture you posted a picture of Ruth? She is beautiful. Good luck in your move and I'm happy that you have Brenda to help with this transition. Keep us posted on your new adventure. Lainey

Marty, Thank you for this wonderful insight into death and passing. Lainey

Di, I wish there was an answer to your questions, it would help all of us to be able to get on with this process of grieving. Lars has been gone 15 months on March 11th and I still wonder if there was more I could have done, or the doctors. I know that I did everything I could, I know our family doctor also did everything he could. I can find fault with the specialist, but it isn't going to do any good. Not one of the people that we've lost deserved this, but it isn't something we can control. I hated to see the pain and suffering Lars went through the last few months. I wish even now that I could have been able to take some of his pain. As you said these things can't be controlled.Yes, I'd also like to rant and rave and scream at the injustice of it all. I'm sorry for your pain,and hope you start to feel better soon. Lainey

Suzanne, I am so sorry that you are still struggling after 13 months.I wish there were magic words that I could say to take away your pain. As we all know there are no easy fixes for what we are dealing with. Do you have family nearby that you could spend time with? Are you able to get out to a job or to visit or volunteer? Anything to take up some time and maybe make you feel useful again? I found with all the time on my hands all I did was think about my loss. I decided to get out, get some exercise, and volunteer. Now my mind is more occupied and I'm much more settled than I was 6 months ago. You said" I don't like being without him, I don't like life." I still don't like being without Lars, after almost 15 months, but there isn't much I can do about it. Life goes on without them here,I truly believe that none of our spouses would want us to be sad and alone . They would want to see us smiling and enjoying life. Hoping you feel better soon, I'm sending you a hug Lainey

Allana, It's good to hear from you again, seems like some of us that started our journey around the same time don't post anymore. I often think of Jenna and the girl from Africa. I hope they're doing well. I really think the anticipation of a special day causes me more stress and downward spirals than the actual day itself. Then there are just days that I wake up and know that I'm not going to have a very good day. Sometimes I force myself to get out and do something, other days I let the feelings come. Every day I miss the hugs, the cuddles and "I love you". That will be forever. Lainey