Dwaynecg

Dear Patty, I agree with Kay, it is to soon to settle for the first man to come along. Its funny you wrote this thread, because I have had 3 encounters with 3 different wemen. The first was at a small resteraunt- store I stop at when I go help Greg. Tuesday, was Greg's and Donna's anniversary. I kew they were out so I put a card I made for them in their mailbox. I was going to a hospice meeting in Raynham, MA. I stopped at th place and this young lady maybe 30, had always been very nice and smiled at me a lot when I would stop in. I did not see the same with the other customers. When she brought my dinner she told me her name and it was nice to meet me. Then on Thursday, I went to have my eyes checked and order new glasses. The woman that help me was in her early 40's and as she measured my eyes, she told me that I was very rare. I asked what she ment. She said my face is acemetrical, and that is why wenom find me attractive. It knocked my socks off. Then early yesterday I needed ne tires on my van. I went to Benny's, they sell tires and a lot more like a small K-Mart. I could see they were ready to pull out the van, and I needed a couple litght bulbs. I was paying for them and I had this feeling someone was starring at me. I looked and a young couple maybe 30 years old was behind me. The girl was looking right into my eyes, I smiled, then she smiled and gave a small wink. I don't know what is what. I have to get my nursing shool done and get a job. I have not even thought about dating. I wish you the best and you will know when and who the right person will be for you. I am not young either I will be 57 on the 21st of this month. good luck. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Redwind30, Like Mary, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, The amount, of years you spent together is never enough. I lost my Wife Pauline, 7 months ago. I long for her every day. I wish we could have had many more years we were married 30 years and lived together 3 years before we got married, so it was 33 years I had this most amazing woman in my life. She was my best friend, my soul mate, lover, and wife. She had a long battle with MS. It ate her way bit by bit every year after year. Then it was like a wild fire and her body could not take it any more. With her last breath of life she said to me, after I told her I would be alright and she could go to sleep now, and I love you, it was I LOVE YOU TOO. then she was gone. It brings tears to my eyes, even now. I wish you the very best. God Bless

Dear Walt, I do not think that I or Nats, are any better than anyone else on here. Yes we both have very strong faith, as well as you. I know that you are 5+ years in your grief, do you remember the first 3 months? I remember the first 3+ months into mine. I was very sick all summer long. I had a goal that I hand told Pauline 7 months before she passed. In order for me to reach my goal, while still on unemployment, where there is funding for retaining, I a simple dissection to make. Stay in bed all summer long or dig deep into my soul for that drive and determination, I have had from a very small child. When you are the shortest, and smallest all my life in order to succeed in life or any sport I plaid in school I had to work twice as hard to make the team and get onto the starting line-up. I did that. I made varsity team from 9-12 grade. I made the starting line-up in baseball in ninth grade, the starting 5 in basketball in 10th grade. No one worked harder than I did. In 12 grade we got football. I made the starting line-up and made more catches by double of any other receiver on the team. I was the very first one in my high school to letter in 4 different sports. I am proud of that. So I dug deep to bring back my drive and determination again. It was not easy, is was so weak, and tired, but every day I made my choice to get moving again. Then when Pauline's best friend Donna's husband Greg got hurt. I went up to his house at least 3-4 times a week. Seeing him crying, because his life change, thinking he is a burden to Donna. I lifted him up every time I was there. I got him exercises to do to help him with his legs, to get out of bed again. I took him up one of Pauline's power chairs, a ramp so he could get outside, slowly he came back to life. Now with all my help and patience, helped him walk again, now he can walk on his own. I used my experience with Pauline, to heal a wound he had on his left foot. It is healed now. Donna and Greg were the only one to come to my house, after Pauline passed. Greg cooked some meals for me, when I did not feel like eating. You all have been there, when you do not even want to get out of bed, and start moving again. I made my choice, to live again and get to school, because, as I have said many times, on here. Pauline could and did talk about everything open and honestly, no secrets we ever kept. She wanted me to move on into my new life. I have done that with a lot of hard work. Like Harry is driven to find or help with fund raising so they can find a cure for the cancer that took Jane way to early in life. So am I have the strength and drive to get to my goal and come out of that course as the top one of all the people in my class. I know I can do that. So Walt no I do not think I or Nats is any better than anyone on here. What we have found is our own way to deal with what life has dealt us, and to dig and scrape our way out into the light of life again. All I wish is for everyone one this amazing place to be able to find their own way back to life again. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Marty T, I here you load and clear, I am not using this forum as a platform for my belief, and I do not have any intention of trying to convert anyone. I will from now on respond and talk with Nats in private messages. I do not believe that I or Nats have, anything over anyone else on here, I have found what works for me and I do not condemn others for finding what will work for them. I just wish them the best. Part of what has gotten me to the peace I have, inside me is my own determination and drive to succeeded in life, that I have had all my live. I made a choice of my own self being that I was not going to lay in bed with my grief and self pity for my Health problems I have had all summer long. For me it was that simple choice I made for myself, that with my drive and determination, to get back out into life again. I had told Pauline if or when she Passed, I was going to become a nurse. For me to reach and succeed at getting to my goal I set for myself about 14 months ago. I needed to get up and moving and find my own positive energy that I have always had from when I was a small child, I needed to dig deep in myself to bring it out again. No it was and is not easy for me without Pauline, who after I meet her and with in a couple of days, I could see her soul, like a small little bird, batter, bruised, and broken, that I just wanted to pick up in my hands and heal from the inside out. I did that. You do not know all of Pauline's story of life. I helped make her whole again, so she could enjoy life again. Marty T, I am very sorry, and apologize for my writing with Nats. I do not condemn anyone one hear, of think that I am any better than anyone else. Everyone must find their own way through their own grief, how and when they, they find what works for them. I still think you are the best, and will never forget the help you gave to me in my first 3+ months of my journey through my own grief, for that I thank you. You can real me back in anytime you see fit. I have a great respect for you and everyone one this wonderful place HOV. God Bless Dwayne

Harry, I know what you mean, I have plants in almost every window. Pauline would tell me that plant is dead, but I would not give up on it. I have a window that she could not see very well. After the plant was back up and running again, her eyes would light up and she would say how did you do that when it was gone. I would say it only looked that way, so it could get the attention it needed. Plants are a lot like, us, when we get sick and worn down we do not look very good either. I know you will find a way to have all the plants, with the same space. Maybe take the plant out of the pot, trim some of the out side roots back, a little layer of nickel size stone in the bottom and fresh good potting soil around and on top, will do the trick. Good luck

Nats, I have very strong faith in our Holy Father, my Lord an Savior, Jesus Christ. Last night when I went to church, the pastors father, everyone calls Pepe, always comes and greets me, Last night he said I know you are feeling good and strong, because you radiate with the light and fire with our Lord. I had 2 others tell me the same thing, and how in all my time of grief and health problems, I had to deal with all summer long, every time they see me I am smiling and full of joy and happiness. I told them that is being in tune with God. For he and He along with my faith pulled me back up on my feet and showed me the light and started the flame burning inside me. The more in tune I am with God the hotter the blaze burns. I feel like I will be leading the way when I start my classes in about 3 weeks. Why because our Holy Father has my hand and will lead me into my life being a nurse, where I cane help others. I have spent today and 2 other days this week with Greg, helping him. He now can walk without the crutches, so we have done his front and most of the back yard, and many flowers beds, are now ready for next year. I get back more than I give, and I give a lot to heal his soul, lift his spirit, getting him back on his feet, and now walking without the crutches. Today I went out early to buy tires for my van. All four, I saw they were about ready to pull it out, so I needed a couple of light bulbs. While I was checking out there was a man and a woman, both early thirties, in line behind me. I could feel someone was starring at me, I turned and looked, it was the girl, I smiled and she smiled back, and gave me a small wink. The man could not see any thing. Again it made me feel good inside. I know when the time is right, God will put someone in my path, like he has done with Pauline. And you and Brenda. I am so happy for you two. It is really good to have you, a man of faith as my friend. We can talk unhindered, about our faith. By the way It doesn't bother me if people just do not get it and cannot understand how we have both came so far in a short amount of time. Maybe some day by planting the seeds they to will grow closer to God. God Bless, My friend Nats, and Brenda Dwayne

Dear Stacyines, This was so brave of you to write me this message for all to see. You are not alone with these thoughts. My wife Pauline always called me her angel sent by God to save her. She also had horrible things happen to her as a very small child and it continued with other members of her family. She tried twice to commit suicide, after she came home and found her husband in the back set of their car with the bosses wife doing it. She was very fragile. I knew this in a very short time after we met. I saw here as a tiny bird batter, beaten, and broken, I just wanted to pick her up in my hands and help her heal and told her everything will be alright, I am here for you now always and for ever. I wish I could do the same for you. Dig deep inside and find someone to get all those dark times in your life out. Let them be ridden from your soul, do not carry them around inside to fester. I am so happy that I could help you and give you hope again. Life is a true gift from God. I am so proud of you for checking yourself into a place where you could get the help you need. It is a very positive sign that you now want to be an advocate on behalf of all the bullied children, and try to get them to see the light so they do not make the same choice in taking their live. Just this week another boy with muscular dystrophy at age 11 took his own live after being bullied, This is a horrible problem we have in our society today. IT MUST STOP. When I was in middle school, of course being raised in the mountains of Colorado, it was all the same 2 buildings 1-12, well we had gotten a new janitor, that had a daughter, who was mentally handicapped. One day I saw 4 boys had her on the marry-go-round, spinning it faster and faster. She was hanging on for dear life, crying and screaming. I ran over and stopped it. Got her off and took her to her father. Then over the next couple days I caught each and everyone of those boys, and a couple, were much bigger than I, but that did not have my determination and will, and madness, about what they had done to her. And I gave each one a betting. Their faces, were bloodied and black and blue eyes, sure I took some shots as well. But they never bother her again. Stacy you know I took a lot of heat for my posting to you, from different people. But what I said to you was out of kindness from my heart, to help you understand, what may have been on his mind. Now you opened up to me with the truth, and your problems with life. I will fight with you and for you in whatever way I can. You are to young to carry this load alone through the rest of you life. Please do not be afraid to reach out to me if you want. I am glad to hear your kind words and that you recognize, that you needed help also, and seek it out. It took many of years for me talking with Pauline to get all those bad memories of her childhood out, to make her whole again. I know I helped her, She called me one day at work around 1994 and told me she now remembered everything that had happened to her, she was crying, I left work right away and came home to hold that little broken bird, that I helped heal from the inside out. Never to have those nightmares again. It was like she was born again in her life. I am very proud that I would never give up on her. After she was sent by God to me, and was the love of my life, soul mate forever inter twined as one. So what hurt her hurt me as well. Stacy, I will pray for you today, for God to rid you of those demons you life with, and that you will help to save the lives of thousands, from this day forward. God Bless, Dwayne

Nats, I am so happy for you and Brenda, and being part of her grandchildren's life. I can tell it makes you happy and they really enjoy the time spent with you. Pauline and I could never have children, although she did have 3 very nice boys from her other marriage. At one time or another, they all lived with us, not at the same times, from time to time. Then around 2001-02 they just stopped calling. Pauline's youngest son Kelly after he was married had a pair of twins, a boy and a girl, the another boy about 2 years after. Alls Pauline wanted was to see her grandchildren and hold them. But when Kelly came back on vacation, he never stopped here. Pauline wash hurt very bad by that. I have found out this summer in August, that Pauline's father, brother, and oldest sister, never believed, that she had MS. They all thought she was using a wheel chair for the attention. Her sons all live in Colorado, I moved here with Pauline 31 years ago, and they all moved to Colorado when they grew up. I think that Pauline's brother was tell her oldest son these lies about Pauline not having MS. Dads new wife told me this. They were all at her dad's house talking and that came up. Dad's wife Doris, told them they can't be serious, She only new Pauline for about 12 years and she could see the changes in her, how the MS ate her away day by day, year by year, ever so slowly. When her sons came back for her memorial, Kelly told me he always thought he had time to bring her grandchildren back to see her. I told him he did have the time but he let the time slip away. I gave him a big hug and said that she still love all of them. Anyway that is enough about that. Yes I am moving at a good clip into my new life, helping others is very satisfying, and it helps me also. I made that choice, just like you not to let the grief control your and my life. People do not comprehend this very basic decision, that we can make. I have help though trough, my Heavenly Father and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Last night I went to church and, I had 4 people tell me that they can see the love and the glow about me for our God and his son Jesus. I find that very fulfilling. Being happy and at peace is a whole lot better, the those old feelings of sadness, and of no hope in the future. Yes, having that experience in the restaurant, did make me fell good, just to know that other woman, find me attractive. Yesterday I went to my eye doctor had my eyes checked. It had been 10 years since I had an eye exam. My right eye with my glasses are still 20/20, my left eye was not. I never get frames in the office, but after taking to the doctor he told me what to look for in a lens, for the type of work I will be doing So I got my lens and frames their. The woman, that took the measurements told me that, my face is asymmetrical, and that is why the woman find me attractive. It blew my socks off, by the way she was not wearing a ring either. It is just hard to believe in a week time 2 women have had an interest in me. It feels good, but yet very different, because when Pauline and I meet it was an instant connection. I don't think that will, happen again. When I am ready God will see to it, and she will be brought before me. I do not think, I could be in a relationship, with a women, that does not have my faith and beliefs. Thank you Nats, God Bless, my friend, Dwayne

Dear Dave. I really like the roses, I am so happy that your were able to get them. You have a very nice friend in Cheryl, donating all those roses for you. I know how hard it has been for you without Mike. You sound like Pauline and I, I would get nothing for myself, but yet would have bought the world for her. She would always tell me not to so cheap, and if I needed it to get it. Well today I went to the eye doctor, first time in 10 years. I always made sure she went every 2 years. Same glasses for 10 years. My right eye is still 20/20, my left eye has changed a little. I got the best lenses I could get and spent $595 in all. As far as smoking, they say nicotine is harder to quite than heroin. I would never know because I have never smoked, or ever done heroin. I know it is hard though. Pauline's mother quite for over 12 years. When they told her she had stomach cancer, she started again, and smoked until the end. I wish you luck. I will pray for you. I hope someday you will find peace again. Until then just one day at a time. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, Yes it does feel like a life time, and that some how I have been able to find peace and start my new life. I went up to Greg's yesterday morning. He called me and asked if I would come up and go get gas for his big ridding mower. I did, then I staid and helped him clean up his front yard. I was so happy to see how well he is getting around. He gives me all the credit, because I never gave up on him. Because Donna works. any where form 10-12-14 hours a day. So he became my need to help other people, I got him exercises from my niece for the therapy, in getting him on his feet, and start walking with an extra pair of Pauline's Canadian crutches. Yesterday it was about 80 out and sunny, so I took the flower beds, because he can not bend down to good. I worked 5 hours getting the weeds out of the beds. There were still some big branches that was left over from Irene. these branches were well over a 100 pound each. He asked if I wanted to trim the down. I said no, just where do you ant them at. and took, them the one at a time way into his back yard. He could not believe I could handle those big branches, I laughed and said it is all in the legs. After I took him to home depot to get a new trimmer, that has different heads that goes on to it. It will make things a lot easer for him. The Donna met us there. I got home around eight o'clock last night. I was beat. But today is a new day. I got to the eye doctor, maybe get new glasses ordered today, go check out the price of tires, drop off 2 new suits, one of Gerg's, friends at church had, that were to small for him. The jackets fit great but the pants are a mile to long. Well I guess I have said enough. Oh I forgot to mention, that on the way to Donna's and Greg's there is a small restaurant, and store combined. There is this woman in her thirty's that works in there, and every time I go in there she is always so friendly to me. I can tell she likes me. Well on Tuesday evening, I had a card and a special letter I wrote for Donna's and Greg's anniversary, I drove by and put it in their mail box. Then stopped by the little place for a bite to eat before my hospice meeting. She was working and when she brought my food to the table, she introduced herself and so did I. Right now it is just nice to have someone pay attention, and talk to. I am not ready for it to go any further than that now. Maybe I will never be ready, but it is nice to be able to talk to a woman again that likes me. Just wanted to add that in. Take care my Dear friend Kay, God Bless, Love Dwayne

Dear Marty T, Again you are right, I was wrong to assume anything about this man, and his thoughts. I have also been touched by suicide, One of my friends in my high school class shot himself, His death was not instant, and after he had done it, he realizes that, he did not want to die. I had talked with him for about 2 hours, just a half hour before he had done it. When we talked he told me that this was not the first time thinking or trying. He had cut his wrists before. Also he wanted to do it in front of his wife, because, he did not have a job, and they had big fights about that. He wanted her to feel his pain. I tried my very best to have him understand that this is not they way to handle the problem, that talking to each other, without this fighting is the best way to get to the bottom of his problems, and yes he was drinking when I got there and found him so upset. I only wish I could have been successful. But I could not control his mind, thoughts and actions. I had another friend, who was in my younger brothers class, brought a hand gun to my apartment, Nothing new to me I have been around firearms all my life. My father was a deputy sheriff for many years. But when Bruce can in he was all sweaty, and told me his intentions. He knew I tried my best to stop Ted, that he wanted me to talk to him, and I did. All night, we talked, about his live and feelings, and how my beliefs were and still are today, by morning, I had the pistol and had empted it. After a few weeks, I went to a library in Denver and check out a few book, on that subject, I read them all a couple of times, so I could get a better understanding on the subject. Why was I put into these people's live, at their moment of life or death. Because I can read people very well, I can covey my thoughts to them in away that they can understand. Bruce went on to become a bull rider, then got married and had 2 boys and a girl. Bruce, had tried it before also, and thought about it many times, I do have some in site to they way their mind works in general. Marty T, I am sorry if I came on to strong and done her more harm than good. That was not my intentions at all. I just do not want her to blame herself, for her boyfriends actions. Marty, I think you are a wonderful counselor, You have helped me out so many times in my early days, weeks, and months, I just want to pay it forwards. I see I did not do a very good job of that this time. You are the best Marty, Peace Dwayne

Dear Marty T, I understand what you are telling me. No I am not an expert, nor claim to be one. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will do better in the future not to use the words I use. I know that grief affects everyone differently, and they move through it at their own pace. All I try to do is to help people. That is what I like to do. I am totally sorry if my choice of words a fended anyone on this wonderful Forum we have to express our thoughts and feelings. You are the expert, that has done this for many years. I will tone it down, and let everyone find their own path to follow. My problem, is that in any job I ever had, I was always a leader, not a follower. I think that is what has happened to me here. I want to lead as many people as I can out into the light of life again. You made me realize that I cannot do that. They have to find their own way trough this grief we all go through. I also think because, Pauline had so much time to prepare for her passing, that we never left anything unsaid. Her and I had years to talk about it, and we made very good use of the time. We could talk to each other about anything, anytime. We were and still are bonded as one. That alone in any marriage or relationship is very rare to have. Pauline's best friend Donna, to Pauline the best gift she ever got was from Pauline. Who showed her what a true, honest, loving marriage was, by the example that we set, with our true love we had for each other. I have been told this many times after Pauline passed. That it showed to all who saw, that we had something people search for, sometimes all their lives and never find. We found that and each and every day nurtured our love for each other. So you are right I only have my experience to go by, but whatever that is it is working for me. I am at so much peace in my heart and soul. That I just want everyone to find what I have found. In whatever way they can. I am so excited, I set goals early on. Even before Pauline Passed I told her if I was still young enough that I wanted to go into nursing some how, some way. That was 7 months before she passed and 3 months before we knew that her body was slowly shutting down. Not being able to absorbed nutrients they way we all do. It was shocking to her that I wanted to be a nurse. I am so close to the start of my goal, I can taste it. Peace Marty T Dwayne

Dear Stacyines, I agree with Harry, that even though you were under the influence at the time when this happened, That I praise you for not letting lings go any further, As a man's point of view they always want things to go further than you wanted. I am glad he had enough respect for you to stop, when you stopped. Guilt is a very hard thing to live with. You boyfriends death had, nothing to do with you. Do you honestly think that this was the very first time he had thought or even tried to commit suicide. I do not think so. Those you do have thought about it many times before any have even tried to do it before. It was this time that HE WANTED YOU TO FEEL THE PAIN by this which in turn, was HIS WAY OF MAKING YOU FEEL THE GUILT. that was his plan all along. For you to hurt as much as possible. I know that this sounds hard for you to understand, but it is the truth. Stacy take your time, let the feeling and emotions come out. I for one think it will do you good to get out of that environment for awhile. I wish you the very best in life, Please do not let this be the end of yours as well, because if you do then he succeeded in his goal, not yours. I am here for you any time you need a friend to talk with. If you want, send me a IM and I will send you my E-MAIL, and phone number. Take Care, keep the Faith Dwayne

Dear Susie, I agree with you, Sometime I just get so caught up in my feelings and belief. I in no way am trying to push any kind of an agenda on here. These are just my feelings. I want and say almost in everything I write for people, not the ones who are so new and this time is so close to the passing of their love ones, they have to go through the emotions as those ways come, anger, helplessness, guilt, why me, not sleeping, eating good, crying all the time , remembering the final, ending. These new people cannot and should not try to stop the grief as it comes wave after wave. Earl is in that boat now. I went to my hospice meeting, last night, and there were only four of us there. We had a great decision. I believe that in a person who has gone through all the firsts, by the way I have not, but I still find that great peace inside myself. Nancy my hospice counselor asked, me to explain to the others how they can come to the place I am in. For one I have all my life been the smallest of my family. Any sports team I played on I was still the smallest person, but that alone gave me the determination and the dive to succeed, and excel in everything I did. I was the first in my high school to get a varsity letter in 4 different sports. For the people who have gone through the firsts, I believe that each and every day there are positives in the lives that they may not recognize. That is the first place to start to see the positives in your everyday life no matter how small, and learn to build on them. Second each and every day find something that brings you joy or something that takes your mind away from this grief, even for a short time. Learn to talk to as many people as you can. This helps build a sense of belonging back in this life again. I still cry for Pauline, I cried yesterday as it was Greg and Donna's anniversary. I wrote them a special card, and I cried because I will not have that human contact with her again. I cannot wait for my nursing school to get started in a couple or three weeks. You need to set goals for yourself, or even an assignment to reach each week. Even if that is just talking to your mail person or neighbor for 30 seconds or better yet 1 minute. All this can help, bring you back to life again. See I can be productive without bringing my religion into the conversation. We all go through grief different and at our own pace. The one ting I ask from all of you is to not to wallow in your despair, and depression will set in. The deeper you go into depression the harder the fight is back out. Dwayne

Dear, Deb, Earl, Mary, Nats, Cheryl, Becky, " in order to get from what was.To what will be, you have to go through what is" Nats I love that quote. It speaks many volumes on how we deal each and every day with life. I have found my peace with my Lord and he is there for all of us, along with his only son who paid the PRICE for OUR SINS upon the CROSS, Finding the control and peace are an every day job, you have to work, on each and every positive you are given each and every day. Also you must learn to recognize a positive, because they can be something so small in the hours of you day, you may pass them by. Then learn to take your mind away from the grief, it doesn't mean that it is gone because it is not. After time, patients, practice, you all can find the great peace and control that Nats an I have found. When you love and care for someone so deeply, that you would do anything for them. You become so inter twined with your loved one, you feel what they feel you see what they see, you hear what they hear, and you can even hear their thoughts. It is like a giant tuning fork. When you reach that, level in your relationship, which I believe many of us on here have. When that fork is stuck you are in God's perfect harmony. Even over hundreds of miles I was and still am connected with Pauline. I try to never use the word DEATH when I speak of her, it is always PASSING, because that is what she did. With he last breath in her body she said, " I love you too ". Very profound when you understand, that she had not spoken for 3 days prior to her passing. I prayed to God.and Jesus Christ, all I wanted was to hear those words one more time. AS our Lord lifted her up into his Kingdom, he gave me that, which I prayed so much for. I LOVE YOU TOO. it brings tears to my eyes now, but that is ok, we are all human, and we grieve. I choose to control the grief, I also let out my emotions. I cried at choir practice twice on that day, but I had a job to do. With the Lords strength, HE lifted me back up to sing his songs again. Death is finite, Passing is not. That is how Pauline and I lived our life. Through the Lord almighty, and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope, and pray that something in this message has touched all of you in some positive way. The way Nats and I have come to live our life again. At peace but never forgetting, our journey of life thus far.For you will never forget you one true love of your life. I know I will not. I can see her face, her smile, hear her voice, smell her smell, all in my heart, mind, and soul. God Bless each and everyone of you, Dwayne

Dear Harry, Thank you for your kindness, and friendship. It is not the way either of us wanted to meet and become friends, that we can call on any time. Thank you Peace be with you in your heart, mind, and soul Dwayne Dear Nats, It is good to walk with Christ in my heart and soul. God is GREAT, he has always provided for Pauline and I. Now each day he blesses me with moving forward into my new life. He lets me feel Pauline every where I am. I praise our mighty Lord, for bring me such peace into my heart mind and spirit. I LIVE AGAIN WITH MY LORD and SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST. Our Lord has also BLESSED YOU, and BRENDA, with new life and kindness, and peace. So that you both can move on into your new life together as one. God Bless Dwayne

Harry, and Mary, I too have had, kindness from people, who just happened to come along at the right time. Back in 1975, I was riding my motor cycle from Colorado. Through Arizona, California, up into Washington state. Back down through Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, and back home. I was in the middle of nowhere in Arizona, when I lost al compression on my bike. I took a drink from my canteen, and a pick up truck pulled over. They lived about 60 miles south of the interstate, but there was a dealer that could fix my bike. So off we went, when we got to the town. It is where the London Bridge is now. They fed me and I slept at their house, and when morning came again they fed me again, the took my bike to the dealer. They would not take a dime. It took 2 days to fix the bike. I left around 1:00 PM on the third day. I went about 20 miles, and the motor seized up. Here we go again, I took a drink and another man in a pick up truck, was heading towards town, so he took me back to the dealer. I walked back to the motel. The next day around noon, they had opened the motor up and no damage was done, put it back together, and told me I would have to ride at night, like after 11:00 PM. I rode to the interstate, an headed for California. I was getting low on gas, and a sign said gas this exit. Yeah, sure only 20 miles south. I went anyway. I got to town and no one was open. I saw lights at the state highway department. I went over there and the man filled my bike and gave me a 2 gallon gas can with the gas in it. Again he would not take anything. He said tonight your ride is on California. I road until about 4: am, I pulled into a rest area and unrolled my sleeping bag, and went to sleep. At 6:00 AM, here came on the sprinklers, I was soaked by the time I woke up. The rest of my trip went very well. Another time, while I was working, as production manager, I ordered all the supplies for production. We would get sales people in all the time. This one man Tom owned and sold hot stamping foil. I would always talk to him but never tried his foils. Finally one day he asked please just give the a try, I said ok. I tried them and called him back, and told him they were ok, but not as good as we use now. He sent other samples, that was better than what we used. So he became our biggest supplier of foil. Around $200,000.00 a year in foil we used. This was about 5 years before I quite my job to care for Pauline full time. The very best decision I made. About 3 months after I left, Tom stopped in to see me. He knew Pauline had MS, and would always ask me how she was doing. Well the first part of June in 09. I got a letter from Tom with a check for $1,000. I called him up and said "Tom there is no way I can pay you back, our income is so limited, he told me it is not a loan but a gift. That he has made far more money with our account, and he knew Pauline would be struggling to pay the bills". Which we were. Over the course of the next year. That man sent by GOD, sent 2 more checks for $ 1,000 each and one for $500. He was a true gift from God, and I told him so. Well, that is 2 of my experiences with very giving people when they see the need, I guess that is part of paying it forward. I try to do every day. God Bless Dwayne

Thank you all, Becky it is hard work each and every day. Take nothing for granted. I am so glad you have someone to get through the grief together. Keep on going as much as you can. It really helped me to talk with someone person to person, that is going through the same thing as you. Remember look for a positive every day and build on that. Take you mind to a place where you, can clear you thoughts, something that you can do each day. That also helps. Earl, yes I have been blessed by the Lord and Jesus Christ. Today at the time Pauline passed and spoke her last words, " I LOVE YOU TOO ". I was in choir practice singing, I could feel Pauline with me helping to let my voice shine. Maxine, one of the choir leaders, her and her husband, Tom sings on stage every service. She was so impressed with me, she told me she will teach me tenor so I can join the group of 5-6 singers on stage at every service. My Lord has given me another gift. It will take awhile, but I will meet that goal also. Mary, and Dave, thank you for the warm thought one this day. My friend Greg went back to church after 4 months after his accident. I really worked him out last week, and it paid off for him today. Now I am getting the exercises for his neck, upper back, and shoulders front and back. I told him I would give him 3 days off. It is Greg's and Donna's second anniversary on the 27. On Wednesday I will be back up to his house for the physical therapy again. I am so happy I can do this for him while I can. Around the third week in October I should be start my schooling. I cannot wait to get started. God Bless, May the Lord give you all the peace He has Blessed me with. Dwayne

Dear Kay, That is what I do best, Is to help, and try to make a person find that peace inside again. It doesn't mean that you will forget, because you never do. I only means that with a lot of hard and positive work and thinking in your mind to bring it back into that peace. All the jobs I have every worked I have always been one to lead, the first to get started, the first, to motivated even when the work was hard to get done, the first to help others with there work. My last job of 27 years, the owner brought his brother in-law in to learn my job. I worked with that man for 4 years he never took note, I always did, because I cannot remember everything about all the electronics I to deal with every day. Before any of the crew came in I was already there for at least an hour checking every machine the electronics programs on all the equipment on each machine to make sure no one change any settings, that could happen often. All this time he wasted away reading the paper. When the crew came in. I treated them all with respect and the way I would want to be treated. Again he did not he yelled, an hounded the all the time. After I would leave around 12- 1 PM, then the guys would tell me he would go back to reading the paper again, and not try to fix any problem that might come up, he would tell them that Dwayne will fix in the morning, mean while a machine would sit idle and not produce about 120,000 pieces lost from production. I could ask my crew to do anything, and they would, because of the respect I gave them they had it for me also. Now I have my new life and new opportunities, I will become a nurse , nothing can, or will stop me now. Kay I really enjoy our talks, I wish others on here would take the opportunity and call me, I can lift them up also. God Bless, you Kay, remember go to the Career Center the next time you are in town. It may be a surprise to you that God has this job just waiting for you to find it there. Love Dwayne

Hi To All of You, Today is the seven month date of Pauline's passing. I will spend most of the day at church, and will just be getting out of choir practice at the time of her passing. I know I will have tears for missing her and tears of joy. I have came such a long way from February 25, 2011 at 2:30 PM, when I told her I loved her and with he final breath she said I LOVE YOU TO!!! That was when God lifter her up into His Kingdom, never to suffer pain again. I Know and believe this, because on July 25, 2011, after my operation, as they woke me up in recovery, the last thin I saw was Pauline's face, HEALTHY and HAPPY. A true sign for God that she was all right and she will be watching over me from the on. I have such great peace inside myself along with that roaring blaze, that started as a small flame, then over the next 2 months went to that blaze, that no one or anything will every put out again. So as I spend my day with God, and my Savior Jesus Christ, along with my friends it will be a good day not a sad day. Today after 4 months after Greg's motor cycle accident he will walk into church today. I have been going to his house almost every day, helping and working him on exercises, that my niece, who is a physical therapist sent me, for Greg to work on. He has done very well and work hard, now using those Canadian crutches he can walk again. Yesterday I pick him up for an afternoon out, we had ice cream went to a place that sells out door plants, walked around there for about 45 minutes. The he needed a good pair of walking shoe, to cushion his heal, we went to Bob's store got his sneakers, and I bought a new pair of walking and running shoes also. Then to a seafood wholesaler, where he bought lobster, scallops, soared fish. I took him back home, and Donna was home, and Greg cooked a feast for all to eat. It was a great day. I am so proud of how far he has come in the last two weeks, and he said he could not have done it if I was not there with a lot of Pauline's equipment, she had to work her out, so I knew what needed to be done. The hardest part was motivation at the start. Then when he saw each day was progress, things start to come together a lot faster than he thought it would. I told him I knew he could do it, and spent may hours helping and, showing him how and in what order to do the exercises. Today is a great day over all. God Bless, I pray to a Loving and Forgiving God to bring each and everyone, of you, the great peace He has blessed me with. I ask this in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior to bring all of you that small flame inside that you can also turn into that roaring blaze I have in me now, Please Lord give them all peace and comfort, in heart, mind, body, and soul, In Jesus Christ, Amen Dwayne

Dear Earl, As being the smallest, and shortest, in my family, I always had to fight hard than my brothers, to get what I wanted. I never give up when I put my mind into focus on what I want to do or get done. You are right persistence does pay off. I will get into school around the second or most likely the third week of October. Because, once I meet with the case worker who takes care of getting the funding for the further education at the Career Center, the last time it took about a week to get a proved. I am way ahead of most all the others because I have already done my testing at the Career Center, and scored a 94 on the test. The testing at the 2 schools I have to choose from I scored 100 at the first school, and a 96 at the second school. I feel really good that I know Pauline is by my side helping me with my life and anything I do. I was talking with a friend yesterday, and mentioned, that when I start school I may have to get a part time job, to help pay for gas and expense of going to school. He told me not to worry, that when the time comes he would loan me money so I can concentrate on my studies full time, and not have to worry about the money part. I broke out in tears at his kindness he has shown me. I told him I will wait and see how things go. It is a relief to know that the money is there if or when I may or may not need it. GOD is GREAT, He looks after me every day. I am Blessed to have such a LOVING GOD and a FORGIVING GOD guiding me as I walk this new path that none of us wanted to walk. The difference is I know I am not alone on my new path of life. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, I am glad you had such a positive reading, and then finding that, pink rose just topped it off. One of Pauline's favorite house plants get these beautiful pink flowers. The last time it bloomed was 2 years ago. On September 5 our wedding anniversary, it produced one pink flower. A very great sign that Pauline is here with me. Now it has 2 flowers. Pauline's last summer of her life, her little mimosa tree, I planted for her in the front yard got these amazing pink flowers, the look, like small umbrellas. This summer no flowers, but a lot of growth. I am so happy that your father is doing so well. I pray for both of you to have, good health and find peace in your heart and soul. Pauline had a reading here in Fall River about 40 years ago. The woman said she would live in this big white house with a big yard and fence al the way around. That she would re-marry a red head who is very kind and gentle, and they would remain together until she past away form some kind of a long term illness. She got it right even down to a red pick up I would drive. I did have a red pick up for about 4 years in the 90''s. Keep positive, the let waves of grief come and go, try each and every day to see the positive in life, and in your life with Mike. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Suzanne, On the 25 it will be 7 months for me. The pain still cuts deep and always will. Pauline and I always had very strong Christian beliefs. I know that his has help me so much in my life today. Pauline and I were one heart, one spirit always in twined together for eternity. Death is only a passing into a new plane of existence. I know is God's Kingdom. I started going back to our church about 2 months after she passed. I would cry every time I went, but that is ok, God caught my tears in golden vile's to be kept in his Kingdom. As a Long term care giver, it took a toll on my body, that I did not even realize it was going on, because my focus was on Pauline and giving her the very best life I could. Even as she slipped away, I did everything I could to keep her spirit up. She was never afraid of death. Because she knew were she was going next. To be at peace with God. I have been ill all summer long. It has been one thing after another. I could have very easily wallowed away in my self pity and grief. I made a conscious decision to not let the grief control me, that I was going to control the grief. Then a flame started burning in me ever so slight. When I went to church, I did not cry any more, only when I talked about our great life we had and still have together. On July 25, Pauline's 5 month date of her passing. I had an operation. As they woke up in recovery, the last thing I saw was, Pauline's face, HEALTHY and HAPPY. No word but just her face, even the hair color was the same as I had colored it for her 5 weeks before she passed. That flame inside me turned into a roaring blaze, and it is still there. This was a true gift from God. I had told Pauline 7 months before she passed, that if and, when she passed I wanted to become a nurse. Pauline was shocked, because this is nothing like I had done for work ever before. Little did we know that in about 4 months later that her body would start shutting down from the MS, she had for many years. Now I have this great peace in me. I feel God has sent Pauline to be around me all the time. Now after my lost summer due to many, health problems, I an now healthy again, and I will be starting my classes sometime in October. It has only been though God and my Savior Jesus Christ that I have this great peace inside me. Trust your faith, for God can and will help lift you back to life again. It takes a lot of work to get your mind in the right frame of positive emotions. To find the positive in every day, even if it is very small. It is something to build on. Take your mind each day off the grief, going for a walk, or something you liked to do before. You can build each day into the great peace that I have, now. It doesn't mean I don't cry and miss Pauline everyday, because I do. The difference is I let the wave come, then I get back up again. I pray and wish that all of you on here can find what I have found. God Bless Dwayne

Thank you, Becky, Marty, and Mary, Yes it has been a long time coming, and a lot or hard work. I have been walking, I thought a little over a mile, yesterday I drove my route, and it is 1.7 miles. Yesterday I walked it in 25.29 minutes. When I started last spring it took close to an hour, of course I did not realize my body was sick at that time. I am feeling good and strong. Marty T, you make me laugh, I thank all of you for your kindness, your prayers, and all your warm thoughts all have sent my way. It really does help pull you back up and on your feet to continue into my new life. That is what Pauline wanted for me. We talked many times about after she passed. I will always miss everything about hr and our life together, but I know she is right here watching my type this out, to make sure I do not make any mistakes in my spelling and grammar. God Bless. Becky and Mary my dear friends, I pray you find the peace abd strength I have been given. Marty you keep working at what you do so well, to lead us all through our own greif. You do it so well. Dwayne

Dear Kay, I pray for you every day. That you will find, that perfect job, close to your home. If this is God's will, then follow it. You may meet other people that can lead you to a job closer to your home. I miss our talks, I will call you tonight. I almost called last night. Something was telling me to call. Then Donna called and we talked about Greg for about 45 minutes. I went up to his home yesterday about 12:30 PM, to get him started on some physical therapy exercises, my Niece sent to me. She is a physical therapist. But he did not want to do anything. So I forgot to call you, I went to bed at 8:00 so I could be up early and get to the Career Center around 7:45 this AM. Good luck today, if it is God's will, you will get this job. God Bless My Dear Friend Kay. I will Pray for you, God you are a loving, forgiving, and caring God. Please keep Kay safe, and if this is the job you can help her get for now. Please let it meet her needs, and keep her safe and sound as she will have a long way to travel. Let all the people there give her the respect and comfort her needs. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, Amen Dwayne