Dwaynecg

Lucia, I agree with Kay, Ben is there with you, and around you all the time. Our bodies may give out, nut our soul and spirit never does. He was smiling all day for his son that faced so much diversity in his young life. He is proud of the man he became. I hope you will find peace in your heart someday. God Bless Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Dear Kay, I remember watching that movie with Pauline, years ago. It was a great movie, and now you can almost see yourself like a mirror of what we all battle everyday, and how today it still relates to our own travels through, grief, and the start of this new but different life, that we all are faced with on this place. God Bless, my Dear friend, Kay, I thank you for the memory of happy times in our life. Dwayne

Hi, I have been off a couple days. I needed to some maintenance on my computer. It needed some TLC, just like all of us do from time to time. I hope and pray, that when I go see my counselor on the 25, I will get the green light to start school, NOV. 7. I feel strong and HEALTHY for a change. My birthday is in 3 days OCT, 21, I know I will be the oldest in the class at 57, but I feel like 29. I walk every day now up to 2 miles. I cannot wait to get started. Then get a JOB again. I thought I would never say that word again. But life changes, and so must we change with it. This is my goal and I will follow it through. God Bless Dwayne

We all have those moments in life, after the great loss, where we want to scream. I look at that as anger and I will not let myself go there, because for me it would be anger directed at Pauline, so like Kay I cry until that emotion passes, and they do. I for one am glad that Pauline and I decided years ago to donate our bodies to science, that way we get the ashes back and do with then what we wanted. I know what Pauline wanted, and I will save some for a small vial we got just for that, so Pauline will be with me always and forever. After Pauline's Mother passed, she only went to her grave twice, because we know that is just her shell, the part of the human left behind. She knew where her Mother's spirit is, even the Indians knew the same thing. Our spirit is lifted, up wards and awaits us, when it is our time to join them. I know it is a comfort to go to put new flowers and take care of the site, a place of comfort, where you can tell them your deepest thoughts of the day or days you have had. It gives you peace in your heart and soul. It helps heal you from the inside out. So keep going, keep healing and life will become brighter again some day also. Peace is where you find it, whereever that is. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Deb, That is just perfect. I will have to visit your blog. I have been meaning to for a long time now. Pauline saved all the cards and letter I had written her over the years, I us to write her a little poem every morning when I was up at 4 and getting ready for work. She saved those also. Like you some day I will read them again, but not now. They are all in her dresser with all her clothes and other things of hers. Right now they are fine just being there. I find it way to early to start going through her things right now. If I was forced to I would have to, but as of now the sit and wait for the day or days when I am ready to go through her belongings. I may be doing good but not that good yet. Take care Deb. God Bless Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Dear Bob, This grief is like an ocean. Sometimes it can be very calm, then you feel that, puff of wind, or our human connections we lost, that's when you now that a storm is coming up and giant wave after wave hits us over and over, until the winds calms, our tears dry, and we keep moving forward, into our new life. We know though that somewhere out there will come another storm with maybe bigger waves. I still get those waves, but the storms and wave are not a strong, as they were in the first 3 1/2 months. I had to have an operation on my Pauline's 5 month date of her passing. This was July 25, and as they woke me in recovery, the last thing I saw was Pauline's face. She was healthy and happy, even the hair color was the same as I dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. She told me it was the best color I had done yet. See I am a red head and Pauline always liked the color of my hair, so that is what she had for many years. After I had seen her face it just enshrouded me that she was fine, and was waiting for me, went it is my time. I feel her presents around me all the time keeping me going and focused on the goals I have set for myself to do with my life, but never ever forgetting, that great love I lost that day in February 25, 2011 at 2:30 PM. Bob you will make it through also just keep the faith and know that your wife suffers no more and awaits you when your time is up. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and you will also come back to life of the living again. Only a new life, different, but the same in many ways. God Bless Dwayne Rose Kennedy, once said: "Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them"

Dear Bob, My wife Pauline passed away about 7 1/2 months ago. We were married 30 years, and lived together 3 years before, so we were together 33 years. She passed from MS, it was a very slow process until the last 4 months. Then it was like a wild fire. I think for me because of the 20+ years fighting MS, gave Pauline and I time to prepare for the final out come. We talked about every aspect of life and after. I knew exactly what she wanted and wanted for me. I set a goal 7 months before she passed. That if I was still young enough I wanted to become a nurse, little did we know she would pass 7 months later. I have gone through all the emotions like everyone else has, except anger. I was never angry, because that would mean I would have to fell anger towards Pauline. I would never let myself go there. She was my best friend, soul mate in life and death, lover, and wife. I quite my job of 27 years to care for her the last 2 1/2 years of her life. Some how I have found a great peace inside, along with this roaring blaze to get into nursing school. My summer was lost to a lot of health problems. Now I am doing well and choose to focus on all the good times we had in our 33 years together. Yes I still cry for her, last hospice meeting, we had a new person, join the group. I could not talk about Pauline without the tears flowing, but you know what, that is ok to cry. It just shows how much love we had and have for the one's we lost. Pauline told me before many time, not to curl up in a ball and stay there. That she wanted me to live my life, for ever how many years that is, and she will be waiting for me when I pass. I walk down my path into my new life and back among the living. Never give up or give in, because this will pass also. Like the rain at night, tomorrow the sun shines bright and new life gives way. So will you in time. We all travel trough this grief at a different pace, and path than any others. Just keep coming back and let those feelings and emotions out as often as you can. If you leave them bottled up it will eat you up with it. We are all here for each other. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, That's it, Browns Park, even when we were young kids, I remember going out there. My Grand Parents Greenouh lived close to the park. Boy did we have fun. When you head south out of town, the first right on the dirt road, was where my Mother's Uncles Dude Kolling lived, the first farm on the left. I cannot count the number of times they would move everything up to the second floor. because the Smokey Hill rover was flooding the land. I took Pauline out there one time the had a pig roast, and after eating then they had the water melon seed spitting contest. Boy those were the days. Becky, you are welcome, that is what makes this place work, we are all here for each other. I do have that connection with you though, Pauline always like the Fall back here. We would take drives on the back roads to see the sights of the fall colors, and now the leaves are changing again. It makes me miss her more. I will try to find the photo of Pauline holding one of the Helping Hands Monkeys. This picture was taken in the Fall with all the colors behind her with this small water fall from an old grist mill. If I can find it I will post it. God Bless, Becky take care my friend, Dwayne

Dear Becky, I am so sorry that these things have set you back again. I understand, because, I still have Pauline's sunglasses and all her stuff still in our van. I have no intention of taking them out yet. I guess it just another step we all have to take at some point. Even all her clothes are still here. They are not in my way, so I just let them be. Its funny you told us about him going into the woods and cranking up the music. Because my cousin and I use, to do the same thing in the seventies. We would go south of town to that park and picnic area off to the left about a mile or so out. That road took you down to the park, or we would go out by the interstate and set under one of the overpasses one a dirt road. You brought back a lot of memories for me. I know it doesn't help you though. I just want you to know that I still have a very hard time with Pauline's personal things also. I think it is just a another reminder out the lost love we had. God Bless, My Dear Friend Becky, Dwayne

Dear Debbie, You are so right. When you are in the early month or 2, it is just like auto pilot. About driving, I had an accident, just 3 weeks after I lost my wife Pauline to end stage MS. Just like you I had to write everything down, or I would have no memories of it. I got to a grief group meeting as soon as I could. It slowly got better, along with medication, to calm me down, and then an anti-depressant. I did not want it, but after the accident, I though I better give it a try, just to get the chemicals in my brain back to more normal levels. After being on them for about 4-6 weeks people could see the difference in me, and most important I started feeling better, and able to concentrate better also. That is what has worked for me to get out of the fog, you are in now, because it is so early in your grief. But everyone is different and what has helped me may not help others, you can only try until you find what works best for you. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, All the places that Pauline and I went, people would say the same thing. Where did Pauline find such a kind and caring and loving man? Her hair dresser, Donna always said to Pauline, that she was the luckiest woman she knew, to have a man like Dwayne, she even told her that she wanted to find herself a Dwayne. Well after she got rid of the loser she was married to she found him in our church. Donna called Pauline and told her she met her Dwayne, it made Pauline glow with happiness. After she passed, everywhere I went nurses, Doctors, other people that knew us, told me how lucky we both were to have found each other. That Pauline could not have found a better man to marry, that loved her so much, he did anything for her in the time, she had MS. I think we were just meant to meet and fall in love, and become one in life and death. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, I also have had many dreams with Pauline in them, some good and some not so good. They come and go as so does our feelings for our lost love. Some days you are right why Pauline, no one else in her family has ever had MS. One the other hand, her mother, all her uncles passed from one type of cancer or another. I would take Ms any day to cancer. Today they have medications and Doctors who have came to understand MS, and are very good treatments for it in the early stages, that Pauline never had a chance for. I went home and done what I told you I would do, when we spoke yesterday. My mind was on you and the person with the cancer. I only hope that I was heard, along with many others asking for the same thing. We will never know why it's, one or that one gets, cancer, or MS. We can only fight the battle for funding, so that others may not have to suffer through what, Your Jane, and My Pauline had to suffer through at life's end. We can only move forward, like you do with Walking With Jane, web site and all the walks you have done and will do again, to fight the fight you are doing. God Bless, My Friend Harry, Dwayne

Dear Becky, I understand when you say, you miss him more than life itself. You are so right, I would give anything to have Pauline back again, but not all the pain she suffered. I like what you did going on a trip and getting some enjoyment back into your life. That is progress, getting back into the light of life again, and among the living again. You have made so much progress in these last couple months. It makes, me proud of you. As you, know way to well there is another wave heading your way, one that we cannot stop but just let it happen. That wave will pass also, then someday you will be on the calm waters of life again. You will always have Randy by your side, in every walk of life you travel. God Bless, My Dear Friend Becky, Dwayne

Dear Stacy, I agree with Harry, go easy on yourself. At one month I was not sleeping or even feel, like eating, myself. It is like you are on auto pilot, just going through live in kind of a haze. Tears are a good release, and it shows how much love you had for Deric, and the love you lost. Tears are also a good way to release those emotions, you are going through now. Let them flow whereever and whenever they come, after you will feel a tiny bit better. Also try to find a grief group, and you may go to several different grief groups until you find one that makes you comfortable, to open up and express all those emotions and thoughts going trough your mind. Try to eat healthy now, I learned the hard way, until Harry made me see by eating healthy your body gets the things it needs to rake you through the most traumatic time in your young life. Rest when you can. I can see that you have a lot of positives going on in your life, but grief ways very heavy one a person, and it takes a lot of work to get back to the light of life again. At one month it is way to early to do much else except let time take its course. Hang in there, we are all here to give you the support you will need to get through these first months of grief. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Pam, I have had a few of the firsts now, but I have not yet went through the first birthday yet. I know this is a little late, I was not able to get on yesterday, and went to my hospice meeting, last night, and just had to rest for the rest of the evening with my little dog shugar, ( sugar ). I wish the best for you, and that you were able to find some peace today, and just remember all the good time you shared with Harv. , and not the bad. It is the good memories that we need to focus on now. I hope you have a nice day God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, Thank you for sharing that with us. I printed it out and found it to very useful with what we all go through every day. I really enjoyed our talk the other day. You have became such a great friend to me. It makes me feel good to be back among the living again, even though it has not been easy. It is something to work on every single day. It goes not happen over night. No one can just flip that switch, to come back out of the dark and into the light of life again. Thank You, My Dear Friend Kay, God Bless Dwayne

Userfriendly, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 33 years to MS. The first couple months you do not know which way is up or down. I agree try to find a support group in your area. It does help, but like everything else. We go through grief in our own way, what has worked for one may not work for someone else. Just try to take care of yourself now. Keep coming back as often as you want. We have all been where you are at now. We will support you in anyway we can. God Bless Dwayne

Thank You Allana, I know that I will reach my goal. It is just a matter of time now. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have had a big up lift, when I joined the church choir, and excelled thier. Learning 12 songs in a couple weeks. It gave me an up lift in my learning process, now I really know I can reach my goal and excell at it also. It is just a matter of time now. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, I like the quote you found, about being like a turtle. It fits so well as to what we do as we have lost our loved ones. Some take a long time to come out of their shell. Some cane, see a light outside the shell and slowly and with caution come out back into the sunshine of life again. God Bless Dwayne

Dave, I know how hard it is. I have really been a CNA for about 11 years. I have the experience from the care I gave to Pauline, and after she passed. I typed out my resume, and went to a hospital in the next town north of me. They read my resume and told me I have a the skills for a CNA but no certificate. That is why I am going through the Career Center for Patient Care Tech. I will learn a lot more than CNA, but not quite a LPN, just in between the 2. I have been told by many nurses and doctors that cared for Pauline, that I have what it takes to become a good nurse. I will do it. If they get the funding on Oct 20, I will start school on Nov, 7. I have also used my skills I learned about wound care to heal a wound he had from his accident. I love to care for people, I know it is a demanding job, and I know I can do it because I have the patients to care and give of myself. I thank you Dave for the concern, but I have to do it through the Career Center, because of my money situation. After I get trained and get a job, then I can look at other opportunities, but for now this is it. I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET STARTED. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Shelly, I will say prayers every night for you. It has got to very stressful for you, living in a place, like that. It is no good for your health. We have places for elderly or disabled people, that goes by your income. I have been trying to get this lady in our hospice group to go to fill out applications at as many of these places you can. She, like you is living in a very toxic environment. I have seen an improvement in her the last 2 times I saw her, but she still hasn't taken the first step towards her independence again. That can be a very hard ting to do for some people. I will pray tonight for you, my goes out for you. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, and Melina, and Shelly, and Marty I do not think that it may be the number of months that pass, before you have reached the acceptance. My life with and without, Pauline is defiantly 2 different lives, but I had accepted her passing long before she passed. Also Pauline had accepted what was going to happen to her, She was really at peace in those final weeks, she showed so much grace at the end. 33 years with the love of your life is a very big loss. I think if she never had MS for so many years, and it would have been a sudden death, I defiantly would not be where I am at today. The MS in the last 11 years gave us time to talk about her end and plan everything out to the very end. The place I am at today is acceptance of here passing. At only 7+ months. I had a plan in place before she passed. That alone did help me to reach my goals, after. I do have a new life and will be in a new career as part of my love and the years spent care giving, Yes long term care giving, took a toll on my body. Months of sickness followed, but I never took my eyes off my goal. Because of that it has helped me to move forward at a much faster pace, than many others. I can even enjoy a day full of laughter again. That is a huge step. I still have times, like we all do when we see or hear something that reminds us of the love we lost, and the tears flow again, but that is healthy and good. Saturday I spent all day with Greg. Our church is holding a giant yard sale all weekend long. We shopped at the sale, went for a late breakfast, and we had so much fun, and laughter, I had not done for a long time. It felt so good to be among the living again and just yo enjoy the little things in life again. Last night I took my camera and tri-pod down to the park and water front and took some pictures of the big almost moon, the north star, and the moon light reflecting off the water. I did not realize that I had spent 2 hours down there until I got back home. I was just such a beautiful evening in the North East, I just had to get out and enjoy the night air. I have accepted the passing of Pauline, and I am in the life of the living, ready for my school to start November 7 for the start of my new career. Nothing will stop me now. God Bless Dwayne

Dear DebbieS, We are all here for you, we have all been where you are now. The only way to cope, so early in your grief, is just minute by minute, day by day. I hold you in my thoughts today. I know the true love you lost. Take care of you right now. Eat, get plenty of rest, and yes it was very humbling for me also. To ask for help from others, because I could not do either the first month. Please keep coming back and let out every emotion you feel. We all get it, we traveled this path you are going down now. You are not alone. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, That was very beautiful. It reminds me of Pauline, The very slow progress en of the MS, Taking away all the parts of her life, like the leaves falling from the tree. Then a big guest of wind came in and all that was in her was gone. Way to fast, If only the wind had not blown so hard, but, I did not want her to suffer the great pain she was in, and she did not want the pain anymore. So the strong wind that blew her life away, left me empty and alone, but I know that the tree will come back to live when the sun warms, the snow melts, the temperature rise again. The tree will show her beauty again in the spring, with beautiful blooms and new green leaves. Life goes on, never ending at all. Even if that great tree falls some day, its seeds will rise again to show off beauty in a new tree, that will, take the place of the fallen one. God Bless, my friend Dwayne

Dear Dave, I know you had to dig deep to be there for Chris and his father. I also think that it helped you as well, It was very kind of you to offer your words, of encouragement to his father. It helped you both. I know for me when I help others, I get back 10 times what I give. It can be very up lifting for you. I brought in 4 small trees that would never make it though the cold and snow this winter. I will give 2 to Donna and Greg, next spring. Hang in there Dave, you are doing great, in getting back into live again. God Bless Dwayne