Wifflesnook

Slightly missed this Fae. But Happy Birthday my dear friend. We cherish you.

In England we get all upset about two inches of snow. I have to drive over to see my littlies on Wednesday and the forecast isn't good. But not by USA standards. Yes Harry, I know you know.and I know that just plodding on us my way of coping. It's just that time when I wake .... It never goes away permanently but as this is a positive thread I should say I adjust as the day goes on. I know you all know exactly what I mean.

Thanks Fae. I woke with a bad case of 'the glooms' this morning. Does that happen to you too? My underlying spirit is of sadness. A permanent thing I live with, but sometimes it rears up higher and it always seems to be on waking. My positive is that it isn't always so bad and it will clear away a bit once I get started on my day. One of my friends is going through a bad time right now as her husband is in hospital again. She asked me to go and see, her, take my dog, and have a walk with her while she was having a brief respite from hospital visiting. She said it had brightened her up. It's just little things which help isn't it? I think I need some time with my littlies even though I know I find it tiring. Now that they are almost five and almost three it's easier in some ways than when they were really small. But sometimes I feel I just want to burrow deeper into my home and not do anything at all. Not an option and not good for me, so onward and upward Jan.

My positive is that I'm proof-reading for a book which lists and describes the species of birds seen at our nature reserve area since the year dot. If my Pete were alive it would be him, as he was a professional in many ways. I agreed to do it and said I would try to channel Pete which I feel I am doing. I'm doing ten species a day because it's quite hard to concentrate upon, picking up syntax problems, spelling, punctuation. I've found that I need to feel that I do something creative every day. I guess I was always that way but now it's even more imprtant to me. I'm also deeply involved still in the campaign against the siting of a visitor centre in my village. I don't think we can stop it but we are doing our best. And next week I go to stay with my daughter and two littlies for a few days. I haven't seen them since early January. And we are going to the opera one night to see Traviata. All sounds good doesn't it? But as you all know these positives skate along a surface. Underneath ...... But I know I am lucky to still be able to do stuff so won't end that way.

Oh Lisa I just read this and I am so very very sorry. You have come to the right place here and soon there will be people along to talk. You can share anything here and sharing does help. Jan (in England)

Dear Harry, me too. Keep them up and keep healing.

Anne I so admire your attitude. It's a lesson for all of us. You don't say "it's not fair!" Which would be a natural reaction. I hope you get that appointment soon.

Butch, it is normal to want to be here, to talk about how you feel, to have others share your grief and tell you about theirs. This is the place for you. Just talk and write to us, because we know what it is like to lose the most imprtant person in life. This forum is my lifeline even now almost three years after my Pete died. Oh Harry I was so relieved when you said you weren't going anywhere. We need you! Jan

I'm amazingly busy with the fighting of this proposed visitor centre. It's taking too much of my time really but it's afight worth doing. Mary I know how the five year anniversary will be hard. I was revisiting my journal the other day and it was so painful, partly because nothing has really changed, and yet I am coping without the support of my beloved Pete. I had the confirming letter yesterday to say that the little lesion they detected in my right breast was indeed the one they found and did a biopsy on in 2012 and it is nothing to worry about. How pleased Pete would have been (and maybe he knows) I've written in my journal a list of all the things which have happened to make me think that somehow my Pete is near me. It's good to read. Dearest community I don't know how I would cope if I couldn't visit this forum. Butch's postings are heart breaking and I hope he will find the same comfort and support we all have found.

Dear Butch I have followed your sad journey and I am so very very sorry. Jan

Just a quick update from me as I'd told you I had to go for a recall to the breast clinic after a routine mammogram. When I got there the nurse said I'd been recalled because my right breast had an area which they though needed further investigation. So they did another mammogram and I went and sat down. Then they asked me to go in for a scan. The doctor who did it was very thorough and said they seen nothing on the mammogram and on the scan she could see nothing to give her any concern. There was a tiny area on the right which she was just about sure was nothing to investigate further. So I to,d her about 2012 when I had found a lump in my left breast and went to the go who sent me straight to the breast clinic and they found it was a bruise. Then they said they might as well look at my right breast which is when they found this tiny thing which they did a biopsy on and it was nothing. So I said I wondered if that was it. And she said well the computer was down (again) and she couldn't check my records to compare but she would do so as soon as the computer was up and she would write to me. But not to worry as she couldn't see any thing to concern her. This was Monday and I'm waiting daily for the ,Etter and it still hasn't come which is why I'm late telling you all because I wanted to wait until I'd had the letter. Everything I've been told was reassuring but I'd love to get the letter! Our son went with me which was nice. The day after this I had to appear on TV to talk about this proposed visitor centre here which many of us think will ruin our little peninsula, and on Thursday I had someone coming round from the wildlife association which is proposing this. And after having company (wonderful but tIrving) and a really bad cold my IBS has returned (always does when I'm stressed) but all being well I have a period of quiet now for a while so I shall use this to look after myself for a while. Just wish the letter would come with good news as it doesn't feel tight until I get that.

I wish, rather belatedly, all my friends here a blessed New Year. I've been with our daughter and the grands from 17th until 21st at Leeds and then they came here from 24th until today. Because little Ellie takes so long to settle in her own bed when here we finally succumbed and she slept in mine. A bonus apart from lovely snuggling was several dreams about Pete. Good ones. I think my body remembered him and that seems rather lovely really. Since two days after Christmas I've had a really bad cold and cough. One of those that makes you feel really ill. So it's been a struggle at times, especially when I had to drive us to the theatre an hour away to see a pantomime. But it was worth it as the girls loved it. And then yesterday our daughter got one of her regular migraines (headache, vomiting, the works) so I had to step up and look after them alone for several hours, get them ready for bed etc whilst still feeling pretty bad. This all makes it sound like a difficult Christmas but those were the bad bits. Others have been lovely. The little girls are delightful. Time consuming and tiring but a blessing. They left two hours ago and I've been clearing and tidying and now I'm sitting quietly ready to call in the dog to sit with me. She has suffered a bit of neglect but I have neighbours with two dogs who offered to take her out with them in the afternoons and it's worked out well. The weather isn't cold here but we have had gale force winds. The sky is clear tonight and I've just seen the sun set. Waving goodbye was difficult. Pete and I used to do that together of course and then turn into the house and sigh thinking how lovely it is to have visitors and how lovely to be alone together. Now it's memories, but I know how blessed I am to have our daughter and her two littlies. And on Sunday night I'm staying with our son who the next day will accompany me to the recall for a mammogram. I'm still worried about this but so many people have told me it's common to be recalled. And I'm glad he offered to come with me. Anyway I'm starting a New Year meditation course. It began yesterday of course so I'm one day behind. Thank you for being there, you lovely people around our fire. Jan

Oh Kay I've been too busy with family to look properly but I jst had to send my ,ove to you and so sorry it was such a lonely ordeal and it shouldn't have been. As Marty says your family obviously see you as one strong woman but this time you needed and still need someone with you. Keep recovering. I hope you and Arlie will soon be together again. Jan

Marty thanks. That is reassuring. And I wish you and your family and everyone on the forum as good a Christmas as possible given our circumstances. Here it is just after seven am and the little ones are still asleep so we have a chance for coffee before they see that Father Christmas hasn't forgotten them!

What happens here is you have the chance of three penalty points on your driving license (if you get nine you lose it) and a fine if £100. Or you go for a four hour session on speeding and why it's so bad which costs £95 bit you don't get penalty points then. Thanks for all reassuring comments about breast scan recalls. I'm going to stay overnight with our son and wife and William has offered to go with me. I was going to say no I'd be fine but then I thought how nice of William to offer and that Pete would want me to say yes so I shall

Not a very nice day for me. The post lady arrived with two parcels and also two letters. One was to recall me for further breast scan after the one I had ten days ago didn't show enough. I'm trying to tell myself it will be fine as I know it's quite common for them not to get a good enough view especially with women like me with very small breasts. But it was unwelcome news. And the other letter was a speeding letter. I had been caught on camera doing 38 mph in a 30 mph zone. It was in the countryside just outside a village and in an area which intuitively seems like a 40 mph. But still. It will mean either a £100 fine and three penalty points on my license or a speeding course of three hours. If I can I will opt for the former which I think you have to pay for. So not a good post. Dear Anne I am following your posts if course. And am also thinking if our dear Kay. Jan

Sometimes these good days come and surprise us. I'm so glad you had a good day.

For Pete and I our festive celebrating began with the Winter Solstice, which is of course tonight. Pete produced a wonderful ceremony involving candles and poems, using our local poet, Robin Skelton's ideas. Robin was born here in the East Riding and was an academic who went to Canada and combined his poetry, and his academic life with being a pagan. So he had lots of ideas and Pete used them to make lovely ways of celebrating the imprtant events of the natural year. Until Pete died we carried on these ceremonials. Alone I can't do it. Indeed I can't even go to the filing cabinet and get the notes out. I doubt I ever will. All I can do now is light candles, and sometimes read poems to myself. I lit candles tonight and toasted Pete in front of his photo. I wish you all a peaceful winter solstice, as full of comfort and maybe joy as possible. Jan

I miss our dear Mary so much. More than any one or anything she spoke to me in my early days of loss. Today I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. I was helped to see Mary's post. Jan

Died not did. Sorry. I think we just have to tell ourselves 'it is what it is' and ignore other people who just don't understand

Even now, two years after my Pete died, I can't bear for people to say he did. It's either denial or because he is still with me. But whatever

I'm checking up,on you from England dearest Fae. Keep getting better. Jan

Dear confused and lost, you will find a lot of wisdom and caring here. I'm so sorry that your husband has died and you had to come here. Please tell us more. My beloved Pete died more than two years ago. I'm still on this site because I find it helps me to talk and share. Jan

Anne that is too much. I can't say how much I hate that you are having these health issues. And the distances to travel too! I'm thinking of you x

oh what can I say. Heartfelt and true.