KATPILOT

I think Guppy that most of us have been in that place where we ask ourselves why is this happening to such a good, sweet, person when such nasty and often evil people go on living doing harm to us and others. The phrase "only the good die young" doesn't really hold water because we see good people go on to old age quite often. The truth is, that death has no conscious mind. It is just a reality of life that takes infants and young vibrant people too. My wife was 51 and it made no sense to me but I gave up wondering "why?". We certainly cannot cause death by our wishes or words. If we could then we could also prolong the lives of our wives and husbands......and that didn't happen either did it? We have enough guilt laid on us by others. This would be a good one to be rid of. By the way, after four years bouncing off the walls trying to find answers that don't exist, I feel I have a better understanding than when I started. I do however reserve the right to hate death and cancer too. I might need a few more years to get past that one. Stephen

I wish to update this thread because I started it what seems like a long time ago if but only two years. I think of where I was then and where I am now as those of us who have journeyed longer sometimes find ourselves doing. I received a summons once again and this time I believe I can serve. We do adapt. We become stronger to the point that we can put aside our grieving to do our jobs, be it work, or participating in a social group function, or even serving on a jury. It doesn't mean I don't still have those "trigger" moments, but I can wait till I am home alone most of the time before breaking down and even that passes more quickly. This got me thinking how most friends, family, and work associates believe I am okay now..... that I am over the loss and have moved on. I can accept that .......as if I have a choice. What good would it serve to break down in front of people who are so far gone from that day that some hardly even remember Kathy's name. But I do. and in the end that's all that counts.

What a happy picture you share with us of your wedding day Butch. Happy anniversary to you buddy. It is after all, still "your" anniversary. I wish for you many anniversaries to come with them becoming more happy every year as mine have done, filled with the memory of a very special sweet angel who I somehow know is still very close to me. And by the way, they do know, we still love them..

Mitch, We all have had a time of self blame. Lori, you too are just coming into that guilt thing we all have experienced, some to a greater degree than others, but the one constant here that we all can and should remember is that we love our wives and husbands. Who among us would say that we would intentionally harm them? The one constant is that we do the best we can. We try but death will always win no matter how long we fight it off. It is so easy to blame ourselves but the truth is, you guys never let them down. The what if's will get you every time and there is no answer to that question. I understand the feeling for sure because I went through it. I am four years and two months from wishing I had just done things differently and the truth is I would still be widowed right now no matter what. If anyone can say that if they had done something else, the love of their life would have gone on living, then I will apologize and stand down. I want to say that even though I suggest this truth, I can't expect that guilt will not be with you for a while. I've been there. It is part of grieving. I just hope it can help to hear how at the end of the day, it really wasn't our fault. Kay truly has it right about what they would say to us if they could. That is the one thing they would want us most to release. Stephen

Butch, I hope you do bring this up to your therapist. I could not imagine you would be judged and if your counselor cares about you, and I am sure they do, it can only be a good thing to discuss. Death brings people closer together. They share a common sorrow and find comfort in one who cares. We may however have to keep focused on comfort without letting it become a bandaid. I became good friends with Kathy's best friend and she has visited and even stayed in my home while being here. We drank together, cried together, and on occasion close out emails with the word "love", but at the end of the day, we have simply become good friends. You are moving toward an anniversary and those are notoriously hard to bear. I still celebrate that day because for me, it is still "my" anniversary which is a day to celebrate the joining of two very special people. May you find that peace as well. So please don't judge yourself too hard. Just give time a chance to help you and follow your heart. Stephen

Maryann I cannot say how it will go for you but for me and others I have met, you find distractions a blessing. You need that once in a while. We all do. To protect ourselves, we need time to forget for a bit. It's not denial but just a short distraction. You will always find your way back to the reality of what has happened in your life. You and every other newly grieving person needs to have a break once and again. There will be so many events to deal with such as the "mail to him" or insurance issues. Four months is such a short time in the big scheme of things. You will find the first years quite eventful. You will deal with frustrations in trying to do those tasks that Mark used to do but come so hard to accomplish. Then when you do them, you will find a simple joy in having "done it". Perhaps you might even think he was there helping you. My bet is that he will be. When things seem overwhelming, take a break. Just get away perhaps even just going for a short walk. We are in a tender state on our early journey. Perhaps it would serve us best to not ask ourselves to do more than we can. I know that sounds like a good idea but really???? you ask. Easier said than done. But when rested, and I'm speaking of our mental state, when we get back from the walk or whatever we do, the task becomes just a wee bit easier.

Mitch, I don't know if we ever truly feel whole again. There will always be a piece missing that makes up who we are. We fill most of the gaps with new experiences and family such as the talk with your step daughter. Often good friends develop or old friends become closer, but we do adapt. The empty will still come and get us, but perhaps less frequently. When Kathy was alive, I would come home from work and her car would be in the garage. I always had a feeling of piece and joy when I arrived, walked into the house, and she would be sitting cross stitching on the sofa and say "Hi Hun!. That was when my day got better. I was home. After she left, I too had to keep working to pay the bills, but when I would get home and the garage door opened, there was her car just like it always was but there was also a big difference. Now after four years, I still come home, open the garage, see her car and just know.........it's only a car. Do I still miss her? You bet. There are still times when I wish like hell she was still here, but she's not. I can't even write this without tears in my eyes, but it happens less frequently. I am reminded of a saying I have on my fridge under a picture of Kathy in her wedding dress. It simply says...... It will never be the same. I will never be the same. You came. We loved. You left. I will survive until I survive And one day I will find Myself alive again. I am not the same, but I'm still standing. Stephen

Micki I am so sorry for your loss. While we can sometimes see the end coming, it does little to prepare us for how it feels. Hope you find comfort here as well as tools to help navigate this sad journey you now find yourself on. How poignant that your world is upside down yet still can be seen the joy and love on your faces. Warm thoughts to you from those of us who have been on this road longer. Stephen

Thank you Marty. Thank you a lot.

You have failed no one Butch. You are simply "A grieving person". When the time is right, you will share and you will learn, and one day you will find yourself alive again. I can't tell you how. I can just say you will. The words will come. We all "get it" here.

Music is so powerful. It may be sad and have so many of those trigger moments but how I love listening to it. Our lives were so into music. So many nights we would sip wine and listen to the stereo just holding eachother. Kathy so related to that Celine Dion song Amy. She told me it was how she felt before we married. I never told her that it was me who should have been singing it to her. I don't mind it when the tears come when I listen to her IPOD and hear those songs she kept. So many of them spoke of her love for me I think. I have a thing for lyrics and so did she. Music is like painting. You draw pictures of life and love. It's just viewed through our ears. There is a song by Nick Lachey that I just listened to on her IPOD in my car. It is titled "What's Left of Me" and I wish I knew how to load it on to this computer and attach it but it speaks so much of how I felt when I first got to know her. I never heard the song till she was gone and I found her IPOD in a drawer.

I so get that Amy......... I still find myself doing that and after more than four years, I slip into some sort of place where I can't seem to wrap my brain around what's going on. I find myself feeling every once and again as if it just happened and I am right back in that place where I was the first year. Fortunately it lasts but a moment these days and I force myself to pay the bills. I think that comes from too many times of paying late fees. My wife would have never been late paying the bills. I even once had my taxes in the envelopes weeks before the deadline and didn't mail them. It does ease up in time.

Well written Harry. There will always be the right time for everything and how wise not force ourselves to do otherwise. I found it particularly moving when you explained about having to stop several times during writing your post. At 50 months, I have those moments too. Thanks for sharing. Stephen

Often when I read words spoken by the newly grieving, I relate so strongly. Kay I think you have a point when you speak of the feelings men can have. Perhaps we think we can control things in crises situations. I am reminded of something an older airline pilot told me and that was.......... even if the aircraft breaks up in flight, just grab the biggest piece and fly it in. Perhaps Mitch, we need to cut ourselves a little slack. We did the best we could but sometimes we lose. I've started my fifth year now and I hear your words as if they were my own. You do adapt with grief. You will still have times when you will break down even if they come less frequently as the years pass. We will still have triggers. They may never completely disappear. A friend described them to me as landmines and it got me to thinking. We laid those mines every day, month, and year we were in love to be struck by the surviving spouse. The thing is you see, we wouldn't have such pain when we hit them without having loved so deeply. Bittersweet it may be but I for one have come to embrace the pain as part of my joy for having Kathy in my life and in my heart. Time can be a friend as well as an enemy. We "do" get better at riding those waves. Stephen

On a trip last week celebrating my wife's birthday, I received a note from my wife's best friend who's mom had passed and had the same birthday as my wife. She always let's me know that she is thinking of me and now has sorrow of loosing her mom. She shared this image with me and I want to pass it along. I find meaning in it as I always kept fresh flowers in my stepmom's home who I lost recently and relate to this so well.

All of us here grieve in our own way. You rosie1, have a somewhat unique position of not being in touch with family who can support you but perhaps you can talk with friends of Marks who may be neutral or one's that you have met while you two were together. Do you have any friends who knew of your feelings for him and are still in your life? If not, it would be a good idea to seek a grief counselor for your grief is every bit as real as any one else here. No one should or can grieve alone. For what it's worth, I was in a very dysfunctional marriage when I met Kathy. I had no choice. I knew from the moment I met her that she was the one was always suppose to be with. I had to leave that marriage or lose her. Simple choice really. even if difficult. Even had I known it would only last fourteen years, I would do it again. I can handle the pain. The love is worth it. Without Kathy, I wouldn't have lived this long anyway. Good luck to you in your grief's journey. You have so much to deal with yet you will find help here without judgment. Grief only means you love someone. It doesn't care how you got there.

I have seen some pretty weird behavior when there is money involved BioLake. Emotions run high and often cause damage that is hard to repair once things settle down. Often grief is displaced by anger and that isn't the best thing obviously. But some who don't or can't show emotion, grab at whatever release they can come up with. I have been in a family who could not show emotion and in one who could. Both families got through estate settlement almost the same. Neither was without some conflict but those that showed love, had an easier time of it and most importantly, felt and endured the loss of the ones who left the money in the first place. We, and you as well, should feel better about ourselves for caring about and grieving the loss. Sadly, I no longer speak to my brother but hold my sister very dear in my heart. That kind of thing can happen. In my case, I am the executor of my step moms estate. I took care of her for almost four years after my dad died. She had no children of her own and I was the closest relative to her. I handled her affairs and paid her bills and most of all, I made sure she was as comfortable as possible sparing no expense with her money for her own care. I read her will upon her death three weeks ago (at the wonderful age of ninety five, naming me and her beneficiaries. Only four of us because we did the most for her. She also had written in to the will which I chuckled about. It said if anyone contested this document, they would give up all rights to the trust. Smart lady! That does make my job easier. And I still have tears in my eyes thinking bout the sweet woman who was my mom for the last thirty years. Your sister is the executor so she can and will do what is written. I provided copies of the will to each beneficiary so they know exactly what to expect. I hope you receive the same respect and when all this is over, you have what your parents wished and your family stays intact. It can and should mellow out in the months ahead. Grieve first. That's the most important thing for those who "can" feel emotion.

I want to thank you all for the comforting words. Yes I got through that day as we all do and feeling sorry for myself does happen once and again but I go on. We have such good things to say to another grieving soul that helps. I suppose that is what makes this site so special. I thank you all and just so you know, the anger has gone away at least for now. I will tell you this. Kathy's birthday is in March and I am going away for a few days letting nothing keep me from it. Some times you just have to remove yourself from the stress of work and get away if just to have that peace. That is how I can "let it flow" as you describe it dear Fae.

I woke this morning at 12:30. Didn't expect that one. It isn't like she hasn't sent me messages before. Four years ago today at that very time give or take a few minutes Kathy left while I was lying next to her sleeping on the hospice bed where she spent the last five days of her life. I remember the nurse waking me saying she was gone. And that was it. I had to leave. I remember being so lost and alone in the middle of the night. I was scared, unsure of what would happen to me now. I survived for four years though didn't I? I thought I had come a long way. Like oh yeah, sure! I know why this is happening though, or at least I have a suspicion. I think it has something to do with having lost my dad, Kathy's parents, and now just three weeks from burying my step mom closing a chapter of every person older than I who I was close to. Now I can go back where I truly want to be, thinking of and missing the one I love the most. The one I love more than life itself. It just doesn't end I'm thinking. You just don't fall out of love when it's this deep do you? So it's just has to be a shitty day. I think if I didn't vent, I would lose what little I have left of my mind. I know many of you know exactly what I mean. Perhaps we can all reflect. I know many of us can relate. This demark is the worst and I sure didn't see this coming. I'm angry this time. I never had anger before but I'm so pissed. And you know? I have the right to be. I wish I wasn't so busy at work with people out sick. I'd be hell and gone from here now. Sorry for the rant but it happens sometimes. I'd better get back to work before I fire myself fo slacking.

So now I find myself in a place where I am handeling the affairs of a lost life and in a way, I guess I'm an old hat at it having been through Kathy, my Dad, and now Wilma. When I find the tangles of red tape, banks with puzzled faces, and beurocratic "bs", I just smile. It means so little now unlike before. It always works out in the end and so my attitude is different. Kathy tried to teach me not to worry about the small stuff. Perhaps I get it now. It drives home a point. The most important part is the loss. Deal with that first. I'd like to share an experience with everyone reading this. After a service here in Arizona, my sister and I flew Wilma home to where she wanted to be in the small town where she was born in Nebraska. Our plane was 25 minutes late leaving the gate because as the captain announced, "We have to wait for some cargo and paper work before we push back". Outside my window opened a bagage door and you guessed it, Wilma held up the plane. They placed her directly beneath our seats. Can you think of a more sweet thing amid the sorrow? I'm so glad to have known her for the last thirty years and I will so miss my Friday night date. She never stopped letting me know how lucky I was to have Kathy in my life. I will never forget how lucky I was to have had her in my life as well. Now as I near Feb 17th Kathy's heaven day, I fear I might crash just a little. But that's okay, we do that don't we?

Mary my best thoughts go with you. I thank you for the help you have given me over the last few years. You have touched us all. Here's to three wonderfull reasons the world is a better place...Bill, Bentley, and You. Stephen

I just wanted to say that my step mom left us Monday night and so it ends. All the things you think you know about grief (and I sure have had some experience in that) means nothing. I find myself going straight to sorrow missing the shock I first felt when my wife died. Since my dad went so soon after, I didn't feel his loss so deeply at that time. This one is fresh. I feel sad for just myself this time since she was almost 96 and going right to the end with a sparkle in her eye and that smile which never faded. Her faith was so strong that heaven was surley waiting for her. I will never be taking her to dinner on Friday nights. I use to joke how we each had a weekly date being both widowed. She never failed to tell me how lucky I was to have had Kathy in my life and how special she was. I never tired of hearing that. My sister and I will be escorting her to Nebraska next week to be with her parents, brother and sister. So here is a thanks to Wilma for being my mom for the last 33 years. And thank you all for your kind words and support. Stephen

It has been so long since I have visited but wanted to update this thread. My step mom, her name is Wilma by the way is now in a hospice home. My life has been more than a bit hectic naturally and one day I will have time to sit and reflect, grieve, and of course rest. I plan on spending more time here reading but soon enough. My thoughts are still with you all and I wanted to share something my daughter in law posted on my facebook timeline that we all might find some comfort in. I so know the truth in these words.

At first, I too had a similar thought "wishful" . So many things were happening in my home that I began to doubt my own sanity. I even believed I was doing things myself as if perhaps sleep walking or something. During my early stages of grief and in my first year, I was offered counseling from hospice in my own home whenever I needed. I learned that I wasn't crazy and that this happens quite frequently. This is a very good video Marty. Thank you for posting it. I can never listen to or read enough about this subject and when it has happened to you, you never think of your own death quite the same. Fear is not an option.

Thinking of you Mary and hoping Bentley does indeed get to see that 13th year.