KATPILOT

There is a simple little book I pick up now and again when I need a reminder of what I have achieved and what I still must endure on this road through life. This book which helped save me when I first was trying to navigate through my grief was written by a very special person and dedicated to another grief counselor who must have been braver than I could ever be. I never noticed until this morning who the author was. It is Finding Your Way through Grief, Second Edition. I have bought several copies which I forwarded to those who I knew needed it but I still get a lot of help from it myself, especially when I find myself slipping back into dark places. You know I am not a fast learner, I suppose I never was, but what I learn, I learn well. Today, I find myself in a more peaceful place. I look at my step mom and I think, what a smile she has. If I was 95 and could still smile so well, you know, that wouldn't be too bad at all.

Thank you all for the kind words. I feel a little better now. I got some needed sleep and just had to vent the other day. My step mom is arriving by medivac today to enter a rehab facility hopefully to get her back on her feet. Not having to drive to get her took a load off my mind and it had to be this way because she never could have made that trip in a car. Since she will be in a facility just three minutes from my work, I can be there more easily and I know she just wants to be home. One day at a time huh? Thank you again for the support. It means more to me than you can imagine. Stephen

textlady, It is not easy dealing with your own grief and then so soon dealing with another stress. I hope that in stage II that she can have a good recovery. Do think of taking care of yourself at this time. It is demanding to care give to someone while you have this other grief in the shadows but do try. Eat healthy, and rest when you can. Easy for me to say. (right). But it's true.

Haven't had much time to read or talk much but I thought I'd vent just a little. My past three years which started when I lost my wife, then my dad, then my wife's mom, then her dad, and all of this time I have been doing the best I could taking care of my step mom. She's a jewel and sweet as can be but with no children of her own and no family that ever comes to visit, I do most with some help from my sister two hour away. I never thought I would be a caregiver and since my step mom is in assisted care close to where I live, I don't really fall into that catagory. I do however see her every other day and pay the bills, go to the doctors, take her to dinner once a week, and watch out for her. Oh and the part I like the best is seeing her face light up as I keep fresh flowers in her home. As she is 95 with congestive heart failure, it takes more and more all the time. She is in the hospital at the moment and I will be taking her to the next place (not sure if it's home or a therapy center) but It is starting to get to me. Watching her deteriorate saddens me for sure. Of course she has had a good and happy life and lived a long time, but she's been my step mom for thirty plus years and when my dad was dying even though he was not concsious I told him I would watch out for her. Kathy told me once that she worried what would happen to her if I died as she had no children to take care of her in her old age. I just can't let that happen to my step mom. Now I see another end of life coming which I am so bloody sick of. Please don't feel bad for me because that is NOT what this is about. I just need to vent. And I miss Kathy so very very much right now.

I can feel that it was Kay. It's in the way you write. Mary I tell you, if it wasn't for my sons and grandchildren, I would sell everything I own and be out of here so fast spending the rest of my days under that sun. But , alas it will just have to wait.

Thank you Mary, yeah she is a cutie. There is something magical about that place for sure. Kathy had been there so many more times than I. I remember when she said she was going to go for her 50th birthday if I would like to come. She had a way of putting things. I have a "prime directive". She wants to be in Hawaii with her wedding ring combined. I will of course, with me and my ring as well. Kay, I remember seeing your wedding bands and just thinking about the bears makes me smile. I like to wear the flukes because it is a part of her. It was touching her and now it touches me. I doesn't make me feel complete, just a tiny bit less incomplete. Wifflesnook I get the continuity. True love lasts for all of time. We did have a fun life.

Mary, your mention of Hawaii brought to mind this picture of Kathy when we went to Hawaii for her fiftieth birthday, just a year before she was gone. I bought her the whale fluke she is wearing around her neck, and it is what I have had around mine for the last two years.

In thanking you for caring about my feelings, I have to say that it really didn't hurt much. That kind of thing doesn't happen very often and I think I have grown a tougher skin in the last three years. Kay I wouldn't worry about the seam if there is no other choice. I'ts still your ring.....and like us, wears a few signs of age. I chose my ring originally so I could work with it on. It has no stones or as Kathy would say "sparklies" and it shows the wear and age just like the guy who wears it.

Yesterday I was in the grocery store where I met an old customer of mine who I knew quite well and while we were talking, she saw my ring and said "you got married again". I told her "No, still married. She looked at me and said "You're crazy" and then turned and walked away. I thought "what just happened?". Some people just don't get it. And, no, I'm not crazy, just in love.

I haven't had much time since I first posted this to respond but I thank all of you ladies for the kind words. I think that mothers day was when I finally felt the weight of it all. The links you provided Marty were a good read and I found great comfort in them. I can truly understand how you all feel with the multiple losses and what you all have endured. I get the animal thing too Anne. Almost five years ago it began with us loosing Mindy....... Kathy's dog, her only child if you understand what I mean.She was only two when I joined the pack and I truly became quite close to her. Kathy could never get over the loss and Mindy's ashes were in our home. When Kathy was close to the end, she asked me to combine her with Mindy and I said I would but we would all be mixed together one day. I miss both of my girls. Coming back to the point, I miss them all, and my in laws especially. Watching the sorrow wear them down loosing their little girl was just so hard to handle while my own loss was so great. They were always so kind to me. But after all is done, "it is what it is", Kathy's words. By the way Mary, my step mom is in a very nice assisted care home next to the senior center in Scottsdale so I am but eight minutes away. That does make things a bit easier. I promised my dad I would take care of her and so I shall. Kathy used to say she worried what would happen to her when I died as she had no children. I guess that's a moot point now but I look at Wilma and I see what Kathy would have been like, (alone, no children to look after her). There was no way I was going to let that happen. So here I am and not complaining but recognizing the exhaustion so I will indeed take care of myself. Stephen

Death sometimes follows us around and piles it on. If you have the sad situation to have lost more than one, two, or three, tell me how you feel. I have it and it sometimes overwhelms me. Loosing my wife was bitter and the most horrid thing I have experienced to date. I'm not over it and doubt I ever will be. I lost my dad seven months later, then both of my wife's parents within a year after that. Now when birthdays and holidays come around I sink into a funk. There are times indeed when I wish I could just turn my memory off. As I am now taking care of my step mom who is 95, I see more grief ahead. Wears you out sometimes. Stephen

Seems insensitive of me to not realize you have no recordings Kay. I am sorry you lost the message but I'm betting George is still holding you.

And hello to you dear QM. You know, cardinals are a sign. I have read about that and I have experienced that presence as well. The videos (ah yes).. How nice it is to have them though don't you think? As hard as they are to watch sometimes, as we move along on our journey, it slowly becomes easier to watch. I just pulled out our wedding video and this time it didn't sadden me too badly. The only part I still loose it to is her wiping a tear off her cheek during the ceremony. To think that someone that wonderful would be so happy to marry me.... just gets me. I noticed in the words spoken by the minister and ourselves, that never was mentioned "till death do you part" or "as long as you both shall live". I think that means something. Guess I'm still married. You know something Kay? I think faith is everything here. Faith like in religion, is not having proof but still believing. How interesting that we humans have that capacity. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go and just have that faith. When we can do that, everything falls into place. It is what keeps them alive for all of time. I'm three years and know it. Mary you are five and know as well. Jan, I'll bet you are discovering that as too. And think about this, "remembering" is tempered with "living". It makes us who we become.

Jan, I just had to join in to say that it is so true how they live inside us. I am now into my fourth year and I have realized that who I am today is a mix of my older self and Kathy. I have begun to notice that I do things and behave in ways that remind me of how she acted in life. You see, we have been effected by them and in a strange way, they are so in us that we have become not just one person but two. This may sound strange and even a bit nuts but I tell you it really rings true for me. Anne, you say it so well. In deed they are with us. Kay, I had to smile about the drivers license. Just yesterday I had to show my own drivers license but pulled out Kathy's instead. Like who cares? It reminds me of when I would have her lipstick and drivers license on me sometimes when we would be in a place where she didn't want to carry a purse. Stephen

Marty, I read once many years ago something about how to council someone you cannot avoid feeling love for the one you are trying to help. I can't quote the words but they came from M Scott Peck's "The road less traveled". I wish I could find my copy but I had given so many to friends along my life's journey that I seem to have not replaced it last time.. The fact is that your job here is difficult and we all know and appreciate what you do even if our own grief overwhelms us at times. You need a hug too once in a while. Stephen

To you Mary! Happiest of Birthdays and may your night be filled with the spirit that holds you close.

I wore Kathy's ring on my neck for the first year. I use to hold it with my hand when I would go to sleep. It was my comfort blanket I suppose. It was only when the chain let go one day and it slipped into my shirt that I very nearly freaked! I keep it safe now but I will always wear a gold whale fluke that I bought her on her last birthday when we were in Hawaii. It makes me feel like a piece of her is always touching me. One of my four year old granddaughters asked me recently if I take it off to sleep. I smiled when I told her no. One day she will understand why. Oh and I will always keep my wedding ring on. I never took it off when Kathy was here, and I guess I never will. We never did agree with that phrase "till death do you part" I like your rings Mary. They speak volumes. Stephen

How terrific that is Kay to have those pictures again. They were just waiting to be found!

Fae, You paint such pretty pictures with words

Welcome aboard dilusion. You have found a safe place where it's okay to cry and sadly there is no answer to your question. You will find that you among friends who have and still are enduring what you are going through. Every one of us was once just a month into this journey. It's hard but somehow we are still alive. There are tools here to help you and comfort when you need it. Sometimes it's helpful just reading what has been told by those before us. Hang in there and try to take care of "you". We here all know that no one's grief is the same, but we do share one thing in common...........we've all lost someone. Stephen

Wow, the mirror thing really caught my attention. One thing I recall is how I couldn't look into my eyes when I saw my face in the mirror after Kathy left. Whenever I would see people crying, I always would tear up myself. It was as if I was feeling their pain. I don't know, it just always happened. I didn't dare look into my own eyes.......I knew what would happen. Now I too just look older. While I never did spend much time in the mirror, no make up and not much hair to comb, but I do remember when I would look. Whenever we were going out and Kathy was doing her make up or hair, I would often come up behind her and hug her with my head on her shoulder just looking at us. I liked looking at us. We were pretty together. I suppose she classed me up. Now I just see me...... a man very much alone. In the first two years, I didn't even think about our sexual lives. I couldn't even go there. Sure I missed it but in the big scheme of things, it was low on my list of things that were gone. I won't go into detail, but we met late in life and yet she was the most incredible lover I had ever known. I hope this doesn't upset her telling all of you that. But it's the truth. She is perfect in every way. What I miss is the touch. I made love to her every day and many times a day with my finger tips just touching her skin or my lips just kissing her neck or her ear. It was magic. But the one single most important physical thing for me was just touching her foot with mine in the middle of the night assuring me that she was still there. When she would be gone out of town and I was home alone, I would often find myself falling out of bed on her side during the night. I guess I was moving in my sleep trying to touch her foot. It's funny but after Kathy left, I never moved from my spot where I fell asleep. Wifflesnook, maybe your heart might more be in it knowing he may still be seeing you. I'm betting he does. Stephen

That is simply beautiful Anne! I believe all of us can hold that warmly in our hearts. Thank you for sharing it.

Lina, I had to ad something since I am now past the third demark. I think back to two years and I get all mixed up. Time seems to get all bunched together for me. There are times when it seems like yesterday and times when it seems so long ago. Like now for example. I look at my hands and I see wrinkles that never were there before so I know I'm getting older. That reinforces the fact that time has passed. Then I realize how much I love her and in fact my love seems stronger. I just wanted to say that time has no meaning in grief. You just meet every day and like Kay who is so much farther than I, you still have moments of sorrow. You still grieve but you also adapt. I also wanted to say something about your youthful age. You miss being in a relationship and well you should. I have been around so many souls who have lost a love so dear and some have found relationships again and more power to them. One friend who is grieving now with the loss of her second love, has such a different perspective than some of us have. She still grieves her first husband and now another. Like all of life, you can never know love unless you are willing to risk the loss. I think of my dad who married again after my mom died at 59. When he died, he had been married to my step mom for the same amount of time as my mother, (twenty eight years). I know he still loved my mom and he never forgot her. When he died, he left in his will that I should have his ashes to do with as I choose. I knew exactly why I of his three children was singled out to have his remains. It was because I had spread my moms ashes in my plane over a certain place and he wanted me to do that for him as well. My step mom knew exactly how he felt and understands without resentment. The point is, we have the capacity to love in many ways. You do what is right for you. You will never lose the love you have with Arthur. Love transcends time. For some like myself, are older and can live without a relationship again. For younger people like my son who's fiancé died suddenly of heart failure, he found love again and children in his life. We move through life as it directs us. If it is meant to happen, it shall. Meanwhile, let your heart have time to endure this journey. While your time with Arthur may have seemed short, remember this truth. It's not how long you loved, but how well you did it. Stephen

NATS, I can just imagine the hard day Friday must have been. I also understand how Valentines day can be hard enough for all of us. Yours just must have been so intense. Today is the third demark day for Kathy. I find myself living that moment and remember going to sleep next to her for the last time. All of those hard memories of the last days hurt. They hurt us all so much. One thing I do that makes it more tolerable, is that I take myself out to dinner on Valentines day and celebrate it with one of our favorite drinks and enjoy the simple fact that I am still in love with an angel. I let the love she gave me get me through. I let the love I have for her still shine on. Love you see is tempered with sorrow and joy. If you didn't have sad, you could never appreciate happy. Happy moments come and they always will. That is what they would want for us. It sounds like you have a grip on this already. May you find peace till next time. Stephen

Hap, Thinking about this day I feel what you are going through. My third is coming up soon and I guess it just doesn't get much easier. I have to shake my head quite hard to get my minds eye off of watching her leave. How hard it is to look into the eyes of your love both knowing it's over. Watching her trying to breathe those last two days in Hospice is a vision I wish would stop haunting me. It won't. It just is what it is. I am so sorry for what this day is to you. It used to be just the tenth of December. Stephen