KarenK

Butch, It is indeed difficult to find much other meaning in life without our soulmates nearby, but I also think that somehow we must manage to find an additional meaning in order to go on alone. I am still searching for it. There was really no time for me to make any promises to Ron. One day, I was searching for rehab centers for him to transfer to and the next day he was on life support. Before those final few weeks, he would ask me whatever would I do when he was gone. I told him I would be alright, and I am. Not great, but alright. I make it through one day at a time. This week I am filled with more sadness than usual, not for any particular reason. I have been trying to find a church where I would fit in. Not being particularly religious, it is a challenge, but my daughter was and I suppose I am searching for whatever it was that she found. At this point, church makes me sad. On Sunday, I left in tears and sunglasses. Church makes me think of her. So many things, and then I remember the extra pain I felt the night she left. I went upstairs to dress and when I came back down, the funeral home had come & gone. It was as if I never got the chance to say goodbye and hold her one last time. There are no promises to be made to your child. You are the Mom and should be grown up enough to take care of yourself. I'm not sure I am. I want to believe both Ron and Debbie are together in a better place. Peace to you, also Karen

Debi, I think "coping" is a very descriptive word. It is not living, just "being". Christmas was Ron's favorite time of year and he so loved the music. Drove me crazy as there are few songs I enjoy. We always had a huge tree and I decorated it and the family room with the former 37 big boxes of ornaments and such that I had carefully acquired over all those years. Much of it has been sold and I'm down to only 20 boxes now. Don't know why I keep them as they will most likely never be unpacked again. Christmas and religion took a downhill slide for me in 2008 when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I was in Kentucky caring for her so I had a small lit, decorated tree delivered to Ron as he was here at home. That and a country wreath are all I put up now, somehow trying to find a little joy. No big tree with so many gifts you walked around them. In fact , two gifts if I'm lucky. One each for my son and grandson, if at all. I forced myself to set up the tree in 2013(after Ron's death) and in 2014(after Debbie's death). If I still have my home in December, I will probably do it again. There are no friends who drop by, no friends to visit, and there is no one to drive around with and look at the lights. Those days are gone. So I guess I will be forever "coping".

Harry, I am so sorry for the loss of your father-in-law and friend. Peace to you, my friend. Karen

Debi, This is not quite the same, but my husband had a "sixth sense" involving tragedy with family members. In the beginning , I scoffed somewhat but after many incidents that evolved during the 41 years of our marriage, I became a believer.. He described it as a huge feeling of dread washing over him followed shortly(within a week) by the event. He was saddened and frustrated as he could not tell who or what was to happen. Unfortunately, he was "right on the money" each time. I do remember him looking at our daughter on her porch as we left KY. from vacation in 2006. He simply looked at me and said "Debbie has cancer". I don't know why as she seemed perfectly healthy, but 2 years later, she was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, so go figure. During his last week, he said some odd things but I simply attributed them to the many pain meds. Many times he did say "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone". Given the severity of his illness and many other medical issues, it was not beyond comprehension that he was right. I don't really think it was insight into his impending death, just reality. I still cry when I hear "You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone" by Brooks and Dunne. Take care, Karen

Butch, Sometimes running away is all we can do to save our sanity. After I buried my Debbie, I seriously considered renting a car and driving home from Ky. to Az. just to possibly recapture one of those road trips Ron & I frequently made. I knew in my heart that it was not physically possible while recovering from the pneumonia I had contracted, but I guess that would have been my temporary escape. Such severe losses we have experienced, you more than me. I hope you find solace on your beach. Take care, Karen

I hear you, Kay. Funny how holidays gave us something to look forward to. Now they are just another day. I used to decorate the house for Halloween and dress as a witch to give out candy. Now, I don't even turn the lights on. If Ron were here, no doubt we would be at the cabin which is also gone, of course. I don't even recognize myself or my life anymore and just can't get out of the rut. Although not particularly religious, I have been attending different churches in the hope that I might make friends and find a "home". Just anything to put some joy into my life. Off topic, but I spent the morning in the ER yesterday. Am having severe lower back pain. Was sure it was a UTI, but they said no. Could not figure it out, so they gave me a script for pain meds which have helped. If it persists, I guess I'll go to the doctor. Boy, if it's not one thing, it's another. Please take care. Love, Karen

Butch, Any words I could offer just seem so inadequate. I send you and your family strength at this most horrible time. Life is so unfair, yet somehow we keep at it. We all grieve for you. Karen

Kevin, I understand about the card. I saved every card Ron gave me over our 41 years together. I suppose the most precious thing is a piece of paper that he somehow managed to scribble the word "WIFE" on. On a ventilator, he could no longer speak and I had given him pen & paper to communicate if possible. Most things he tried to write made no sense or were unreadable, but that one word said it all. He was trying to ask the nurse where I was. I had not made it to the hospital yet that morning. Remember , there is no rush to clean out things. It is your choice. For financial reasons, I was forced to sell many of Ron's collectibles in the first 6 months. My heart broke each time. I did not clean out his closets or drawers for over a year, at least. After so many years together, I would have to burn down the house to erase all the memories. Peace to you. Karen

I wanted to report that Tatum is doing well following her surgery. It took longer than expected as the vet found that she had completely torn her ACL. Young dogs, like children are much more resilient than we old farts are. She is up and around on 3 legs, but Robert will keep her somewhat sedated for a week or so. There is a regime of PT to follow each day and it will be a trick to keep her fairly quiet for at least 6 weeks. It takes 3 to 6 months for complete recovery. Couldn't find a "baby gate" at Goodwill" to block off the kitchen to keep her out if someone knocks on the back door, but had a big empty TV box. Already have 1 "baby gate" across the stairs. The sad fact is this is a common injury in big dogs and could happen to the other legs. Will worry about that IF it happens. It ended up costing me $1,508. Karen

Andre, So sorry for the loss of your beautiful Margaret. It sounds like you had a wonderful life together, albeit too short as so many of us feel. I have lost a spouse and a daughter to cancer, both in the last 27 months. Even after that length of time, I am still trying to "find myself". You are brave to revisit so many places that you and Margaret frequented. In the beginning, I could not even go to the grocery store alone. In time , the agonizing pain has abated replaced by just "being". The "self" you find will never be the same as before, but perhaps a new accepting "self" will emerge. I too, was married 40+ years and it is very difficult not having your soulmate around to love, confide in, enjoy life, and just be whole. We were hikers in our younger days, nothing like the long hikes you describe, just wilderness hikes in the mountains. Still liked the freedom of being away from it all, but hubby became ill in the mid 90's and could no longer hike. Still liked to drive around in those mountains, though. Feel free to post any pictures and narrative that you wish. It is healing to each of us. Karen

How very tiny and precious they are. Praying for them and for Butch and the babies parents. These little ones need to survive and be healthy. Karen

So, so true Harry. Ron has been gone for almost 27 months now, yet his presence lingers. Like you Maryann, I cannot look into the family room without envisioning the hospital bed where he drew his last breath. I have no choice but to spend the majority of my time in that room. I suppose it is my only room that is "organized". Still reeling from the loss of my cabin. Things waiting to be sold are stuck in every room. It is stifling in more ways than one. 40+ years of "Us" are in this house, in every nook and cranny. Early on, I was forced to sell most of his collections. The huge gun safe was replaced with my mother's china cabinet, but the cabinet with collectible knives still stares me in the face. I can't give up the John Wayne photos or tons of dvds. I can't watch them, I just can't give them up. Does that make sense? The clothes are all donated, yet I drive "his" truck every day. It will never really be "my" truck although I identify it that way when speaking. His couch and recliner have been replaced. They were in bad shape, anyway. Most of my Kachinas and beautiful pottery pieces are gone. One curio cabinet stands empty waiting to be sold. The other, well it contains the family pictures. My beautiful, smiling daughter in the front yard in 2006(before she was ravaged by cancer) is front and center. On either side, she is flanked by handsome Ron and me in 1972 and then very ill Ron in 2013. Constant reminders of what once was and is now. I sometimes sit and ponder of all that has transpired and brought me to this sad place in life. I still do not like this new life. Try as I might, I cannot make it any better. There is no one left to comfort me in my sadness and tell me that it will be alright or to call me on those special days and say "Whatca doin', Mom". Tomorrow marks one year since she left. I have never felt old before,but now I am old and tired in body, mind, and spirit. Sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it?

I just KNOW that Tatum remembers that I was one of the two humans that rescued her from that little cage at the Humane Society, so even when I don't see her for a long time, she remembers her Grandma. Kay, I am here with Anne in the hot Valley Of The Sun, separated by about 50 miles as this is a big metropolis. Am familiar with all the places in Az from QM's vacation. I've lived her for 60 years and been all over this state. No wonder I want out. LOL Am waiting to win that lottery so I can move near you. What a great idea to take Arlie to Petsmart or the park to offset the vet visit. So blasted hot here right now, Marley and I can only do that after 8 at night. The pavement is just too hot.

Met the new vet this morning. He is very nice and knowledgeable. Explained everything to us in detail. The procedure he does is a bit different than the first vet, less invasive, and more likely to succeed. This type of injury is pretty common in large dogs. He has performed the procedure many times with no problems. His cost estimate for everything is $1,700 as opposed to $2,400 and will be even less if I can get those damn x-rays. I called about the x-rays, told them I would give them one more week or I wanted a refund. Funniest thing, someone is coming out today to fix the computer problem and BTW, she can't give me a refund as I paid for the service, not the x-rays. Will be checking that statement out with the vet board if no x-rays appear. In any event, the surgery is scheduled for Aug. 4. Oh, and Tatum was ecstatic to see me, just not so much to enter the vets office. My question is "how did she know we were at a vet's"? LOL Karen

Line me up for that one, Marty! I could use a new body. Since my husband and daughter passed, this one is worn out. QM, So glad you had a nice trip and were able to see some new places. I just love road trips. Just so sorry you had to come home with an injury. I'm sure the doctor will fix you up like new. Can't remember what caused it, but many years ago my right shoulder quit working. Long time off work, a lot of physical therapy and I could finally move it again, but can only sleep with it straight down my side. Take care, Karen

Anne, Thank you for caring. I believe the pain has subsided. She does not understand why she is walking on 3 legs, nor why she has not been for a walk or to chase the ball for so long, of course. She still tries to run up the stairs. I have not seen her since she got hurt because she gets so exited to see me, nor has she even had the chance to meet Marley. My son just tries to keep her calm, a feat in itself. She so enjoys riding in his jeep and going on wilderness trips. I just hope this can be fixed. Like some surgeries for humans, this one is a "cash cow" for vets, so will be interested to see if it is necessary. Was disheartened to see the complaints against this vet regarding unnecessary tests and meds. One dog was treated for over a year, so many meds you couldn't count. In the end, while vacationing in Calif., it was taken to an emg vet who immediately referred them to a specialist. The dog had cancer all along and died. This is the same vet that performed surgery on Brownie back in 2013 when she died. I want to believe that it wasn't a medical mistake. We all loved that old dog. Will let you know the outcome. Karen

Just my time to vent.................Can't remember if I mentioned that about 6 weeks ago, Tatum(my son's big dog) started limping badly. He took her to the vet and after x-rays, was told she has a ruptured ACL/MCL ? She got pain meds and was told to wait a few weeks, that sometimes these things repair themselves. If not, the surgery would be $2,400. I paid $400+ for the visit, meds, and x-rays. As you would do with a human, we decided to get a second opinion. Have been waiting for over 3 weeks for the x-rays, now. The story is that the system that creates the x-ray cd is broken and no one has come to repair it. Come on......in this day and age of electronics. I did some checking and discovered that this vet has had complaints and court actions for many things(wish I'd known before) including failure to provide medical records. I called them while ago to find out if there are actual films I could get but, no they are only on the computer. Cannot be emailed because the file is too large and distorts. So, I told them I would like a refund of the x-ray charges that I paid. Of course, I must speak to the office manager and she is not in today. What a runaround! We have an appt. in the morning for a different vet at a large vet clinic(where I took Marley for nail clipping) and I was hoping that I would not have to pay for more x-rays. Didn't work out that way. I'm hoping that if surgery is needed, it will be cheaper. If not, so be it. I just think it's inexcusable that the vet has failed to provide the x-rays in a timely manner, causing the dog added pain and possibly permanent injury. If they do not at least refund a portion of the bill I paid(with an apology), I am going to file a complaint with the AZ Vet Board. Of course, that's nothing but a "slap on the wrist" to the vet. There, I'm done venting! Karen

JayNTee, So sorry that you have lost your husband and I'm sure even more unexpected at such a young age. I lost my husband of 41 years in May 2013 and my 50 year old daughter in July 2014, both to cancer. Their deaths were not unexpected, but it does not make it any easier. There are many of us here who truly understand what you are going through. You will not believe it now, but in time the agonizing pain will lessen, replaced with a sort of acceptance. We HATE what has happened, but somehow we learn to adapt and live with it. Our lives will never be the same. All we can do is try to create new ones while incorporating the memories of the old ones. I'm sure that many others here will soon be along to offer comfort, kind words, and many helpful suggestions as to how to get through your grief. Your grief is your own and each of us grieves differently. Make sure that you take care of yourself. Eat and rest as best you can as grief takes a physical as well as emotional toll on your body. Karen

Glad you had a nice trip and are back home safely. Karen

Butch, Even after 2 years, the guilt and "what if's" remain in my mind and heart. After 40 years, there was so much "water under the bridge" between us. Could I have done more? Could I have been a better wife, a better person to him. I only know I did the best I could. In a way it happened so fast. One minute he was yelling at the nurses for me to come take him home, an hour later he was intubated due to an aspiration. We had not recently discussed "end of life", so I had to act on gut instinct supported by my son, daughter, and many doctors. Thirty years before, he had written his own DNR following the death of his mother who had fallen and become an instant quadriplegic wasting away on life support. He did not want that fate, so I chose for him as I felt I knew him so well after those many years. Still, my decision tears at my heart. Again with my daughter 10 months later. It was not my decision to make, but so very hard to stand by and watch her suffer and not be able to call the paramedics per her wishes. Should I have insisted? It's way too late for each of them and I will NEVER know if I did the right thing. So, I completely understand your feelings and anguish. I send strength and love to you to somehow move forward. Karen

Just sitting here thinking that I have a positive to share. I have dabbled in creating bead jewelry for some time, but until recently just didn't have the spirit for it. Now, I have enough beads and associated materials to fill the back of my truck that are sitting nearby just looking at me. I don't do the wire wrapping or intricate stuff, but love to create semi-precious stone necklaces and earrings. I have a ton of beautiful Native American jewelry which I purchased whenever we visited the reservations, but really had no "western" jewelry. I found an online place that has a variety of "western" charms and beads I can't buy locally. So far, I have made boot earrings and necklace, saddle earrings, Texas earrings, etc. Some of them match the designs on my t-shirts. I can make the sterling ones for under $10 a pair and have ordered some plated and brass charms which will only cost me about $2 a pair. Fae, I thought of you when I saw "fairy door" charms. What fun! Making these things brings back bittersweet memories of how proud Ron was whenever I made something. He would always comment to the people in the bead supply stores that I made some really beautiful things. In his eyes they were beautiful and that was all that mattered to me. Onward and Upward! Karen

I have managed to get through the second anniversary of Ron's death back on May 5. Last year at this time, my Debbie was struggling to make it to her 50th birthday, July 15 which is approaching as is the first anniversary of her death on July 27. Both will be sad times for me. Sometimes I feel like the blasted Energizer Bunny who just keeps "going and going". Other times, my batteries are dead. The 4th was fairly quiet here. Not too many neighbors setting off fireworks. Several displays around the valley, but I just stayed inside. Have seen enough fireworks in my time. Thinking of you on the 11th, Cally Karen

Oh Maryann, How true it is that we depended on our spouses for so many things. Some women are proficient at keeping up with fix-it jobs around the house. I am not much good past a lawnmower and a crescent wrench. I watched, listened, and assisted with some of the remodeling and repairing around here, but mostly I have two left thumbs when it comes to repair jobs. I know it wasn't what Ron meant when he said"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone", but it rings true for sooooo many reasons. Fortunately, my son is close by and does many things for me. Seems like only yesterday that I could do so much more. Time, stress, and grief have worn me out. I hope you get that blasted leak figured out. FYI, I was born in Houston many moons ago. Can only remember that we lived on Ozark St. I was three when we left. Love, Karen

Have been gone all day, but I hope you can stand just one more hug! I got Marley the day after Ron's 2 years leaving. She is huggable just like Arlie must be. She needs to learn Arlie's quiet voice. She barks at the slightest sound until she is reassured that no one is coming in the back door. I'm sorry that your family offered no words of comfort. As we all know, most of them don't "get it". Luv Ya Kay, Karen

I have come to the conclusion that during the 40 odd years that I was married, time and society has flown right past me. One of the gals in the "over 50" widowed group I belong to became a member of OurTime(an online dating site). She seems to have met a nice man. Now, I am not really looking to date anyone, but it does get lonely not having anyone to talk with or go out to dinner with,etc, so on a whim I checked out the site. I created a profile, put up a picture, and had 30 messages waiting the next morning. I simply said I was a country girl who wore boots and jeans, drove a 4wd, and was looking for coffee and conversation. I realized my picture is about 8 years old and i know I looked a bit better then. Stress and grief have altered my looks and attitude somewhat. I have not read the messages as of course nothing is free and I don't want to spend the money on it. So far, my mindset won't let me "pay" for a date. There are lots of interesting fellas out there, if you choose to believe everything you read. There are some blatantly nasty ones too. I'm sure I'd be raring to go out with Mr. "ComeonIwannalayyou". YUCCH!! And then there's the guy whose prerequisite is that you must be able to clean fish. I also discovered that I really don't have a lot in common with most of them. I don't have a Masters, a six figure income, golf, swim the Amazon, or travel the world. As I related these things to my son, I broke down in tears as I realized that what I was looking for was Ron and that he was not there. On a somewhat related subject, I seem to have hurt my brother-in-laws feelings. To make a long story short, he is Ron's younger brother, has a long history of mental illness(manic depressant/paranoid schizo) that is controlled by meds. Although he lives nearby, I have avoided much contact with him since Ron left. He simply gets on my nerves(the few I have left). His persona is grating, demanding, and self centered. We hadn't spoken in months although he leaves messages constantly. Ron had always asked me to keep an eye on him. He really doesn't need a protector. I relented and told him he could come to visit. BIG MISTAKE! He somehow got the impression that I wanted to go to dinner with him and begin a relationship, started calling constantly(which I didn't answer), and "dropping by". I figured it out when he suggested that I could come to his place anytime now that we were "going out". Sorry, but I had to set him straight. I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship unless it was a handsome cowboy with a big ranch and lots of horses. That shut him up and sent him on his way. Haven't heard from him since. So time goes by. Just me, my beautiful dog Marley, and my son and grandson. Almost never hear from Debbie's kids or her husband, except that he lost their home, which I knew was coming. Pretty hot here in the Phoenix area so have been mostly staying in, but need to run a few errands, so will close out this crazy subject. Just letting you know I'm "alive and well", as they say. Karen