KarenK

Gin, I had to chuckle at your comments about laundry and dishes. I joined a widows over 50 group and a solo seniors group. My mundane life couldn't compete with their trips and adventures and I felt out of place. The widows had all lost their spouses many years ago and never even spoke of them. The seniors group is very active socially. I didn't feel I had much in common with either group. Don't really drink and couldn't afford all the restaurants. Although I am lonely, I think I am better off alone. My dog and I watch a lot of TV and she doesn't hog the remote. LOL

Butch and George, I think perhaps you can put a bandaid over the hole in your heart, but bandaids are funny things. They come off when you least expect it. The anguish lessens a bit over time. Someday perhaps we will learn to live without the one who lives in our soul. As Kay said, we still won't like it. Peace

Gwen, It is always heartbreaking to discover that your are no longer a person, only a body or a name on a report when it comes to the medical profession. In reality, I guess it's that way when dealing with any large corporation. We chose the new MD Anderson located here in Arizona for Ron's treatment. The chief reason for doing so was so that the various specialists he needed would be co-located. Unfortunately they were not as this was a fairly new facility and all of the specialists were not in place. Because Ron's treatment was so delayed, we stayed with them. It was definitely a "stockyard" experience and you were directed from chute to chute for each procedure. I guess this is the method all the big hospitals use to keep things running smoothly, but it is sad.

Anearia, I don't think I was possessive about my grief in the early weeks. Rather I "wore my heart on my sleeve". I did not go anywhere alone, always had my son with me. I found myself relating my sadness to strangers in the store. I don't know why except that I was so terribly crushed and had no friends. When I look back on it, it was stupid, because a stranger surely wouldn't care what I had suffered. If your friends are true, they will hold you in their hearts and of course we here will walk beside you. Tough one about Lars truck. Not sure what I would do. Perhaps you can tell your dad gently that you just aren't ready to let it go yet, maybe in the future. Brad, Don't feel bad. Now I know why my mother had notes stuck everywhere as she got older. LOL

MyMB, No apology necessary. You have found a safe place to express your feelings. We are a family here and we all truly understand. I lost my husband of 41 years to cancer in May 2013 after a 6 month battle with cancer. A year later, I lost my daughter, also to cancer. The wounds are not as fresh and raw, but they will always remain. Both were life altering events. Please post again whenever you wish. We will walk beside you on this difficult journey. Peace

Medicare and our supplement paid almost all of Ron' bills. I did have numerous small balances left which I paid over time. Any ambulance trip was also covered. Many doctor bills showed up as every time a doctor stuck his head into the room for that last month, we were charged for it. Most of the names I didn't recognize. Depending upon the state in which you live, you may not be responsible for the balances. Unfortunately, I had paid these before I found that it wasn't necessary. If you have outstanding credit card balances on cards in his name only, you may not be responsible. It would be best to check with an attorney if you're in doubt. I was able to avoid paying a couple of those. Check with your county or whoever controls your real estate taxes regarding a widow's reduction and if you are old enough a break for seniors. Both of those factors, plus low income have cut down on mine. Sometimes we just can't think of everything, especially early on. I wish you peace.

Terri, My heart goes out to you reading of the traumatic events that you and Paul endured. Paul sounds like Ron. You couldn't make that man do anything. From the day Ron was diagnosed with cancer, it was downhill all the way. So many "medical professionals" made deadly mistakes causing kidney failure, an unplanned surgery, trips to the ER, and delays in chemo treatments. He was not able to start treatment until 5 months after diagnosis. He may not have survived the cancer, but was never given a fighting chance. I was angry at these people for a very long time, but one day realized my anger was not hurting them, only me. I let it go. Remember "Karma is a bitch".

JHCP, I think each of us lives with the "if only I had done things differently". The reality is that we did the best we could with the skills that we were given. Unless you have medical training, you must rely on the professionals. Your story of the ambulance resonates with me. My parents lived a block from the hospital. My father suffered an abdominal aneurysm. It took the ambulance 30 minutes to get there. He bled to death. I am 5' tall. Ron outweighed me by 140 lbs. On 2 occasions, he fell while attempting to get into the truck. The first time, I could not get him up. He was on top of me. I managed to get up and call paramedics. The stupid policeman asked me if he was drunk. I said "No, only dying". The second time, he fell between the passenger seat and dashboard. I flagged down a passing stranger for help. Thank heavens for kind strangers. Both times, I felt I had let him down, but it was beyond my capabilities to help him. I know this does not ease your guilt, but believe me you did all you could.

Ron loved to cook and all that he fixed was very good. He sort of made it up as he went along and even though I watched him many times, I've yet to duplicate his specialties. Cooking is not my "forte". I have always said that I'd rather iron than cook. Can't remember the last time I ironed anything. LOL He had not been able to cook or eat for the 6 months preceding his death, except for his special Thanksgiving meal in Nov. 2012. He could barely stand so my son and I cooked while he supervised. Sadly though, he couldn't eat any of it. So, there were no frozen meals of his left. This thread got me to thinking. Back in 1973, as newlyweds we went on a harbor cruise in San Diego. We bought 2 sealed(complete with plastic glasses) single glasses of wine and carried them home with us. One of us did not drink theirs(can't remember which one after all this time) and I have kept in the refrigerator all this time. It will remain there until I am gone. It is a reminder of a very special time for us.

Ron is buried in our plot that we purchased in 1977 at the time of my father's death. Both my parents and my husband now lie side by side and I will join them someday. I was in a daze when my daughter died. I had so little time with her. I went upstairs to dress for the arriving relatives and when I returned, her body had already been removed. It really devastated me. She and her husband had pre-arranged funeral plans and she was cremated shortly thereafter. Only her remains were present in a beautiful wooden container at her service. She lies in a place of beauty next to her beloved church in the rolling hills of Kentucky. Her son kept a tiny bit of ashes which are in a pendant which I bought for him. I cannot dwell on these thoughts for too long. The sadness is overwhelming.

So far(knock on wood), my GE dryer has been running for 48 years. Had it repaired once, I think. Oh, and yes to the delivery question and they will take away the old one. Brad, I only watch about 3 channels so may think about getting rid of the cable. I know my son can set it up for them to come from the computer to the TV. I may be locked into the Cox contract though. I still need my Internet, so will check it out.

Kay, If they cannot locate replacement parts within 2 weeks, I will receive an authorization for a new one. This is a top of the line 20 cubic ft. upright. We remodeled 30 years ago and Ron insisted on buying the best of everything. When he was here, the freezer was kept pretty full. He bought in quantity, I think because he was raised in poverty and never wanted us to go hungry in the lean years, bless his heart. I can not afford to buy in quantity, but try to buy extra meat and items when they are on sale. Remember also, that my grandson lives here, so nothing ever goes to waste. The main reason I spend the money on the Sears contract is to cover the refrigeration unit. It is very expensive to replace those here in Arizona and you definitely cannot live without one. Over the years, they have replaced washers, dishwashers, microwaves, tvs, vacuums, lawnmowers, furnaces, etc. with no hassle. Perhaps not to the overall tune of the cost of the contract, but it is a peace of mind thing. One funny thing is that the replacement product even at it's elevated price from 30 years ago, is never the quality of the original one. That is just a sign of the times. Now I'm beginning to sound like my mother. She could never understand why a car didn't last "forever". LOL

Oh Kay, I am so sorry about Arlie. I had been wondering what you found out at the vet. Funny how our fur babies can suffer some of the same maladies as humans. Be sure and check the internet for coupons that may help with the dog food or the ingredients. My freezer has bit the dust. It needs a new evaporator and condenser. It is doubtful the evaporator can be found as it is 30 years old. The one saving grace in any of my major appliance repairs is the Sears home maintenance agreement I have had with them for 40 years. It is pricey at $849 a year, but has overall saved me money. There is never any extra charge for anything and the product is replaced. if not fixable. I will also be compensated for any food loss. If I am able to keep my home, it is definitely worth renewing.

Oh Marg, My heart goes out to you as I read the loneliness in your words. I so wish we lived closer so I could give you a hug. Somehow, I have grown accustomed to my loneliness. It no longer haunts me as much as it used to. I have grown to accept that this is my life. Ron was Cherokee/Irish and proud of his heritage. His siblings seemed to shun it. I have a special affinity for the Native American people, especially the Hopi. I have many items crafted by them. I am Dutch, French, and English, just a Heinz 57, I guess. I thank you for bringing C.J. Box to my literary world. I have now read several and have 4 more I picked up at the library yesterday. I think Billy and I would have been friends as I know you and I are. Ron liked the fishing shows . "Jimmy Houston?" comes to mind. I have not been fishing either since he left. We will carry those "straws" together.

At my age, I really know better than to ask that question. Life itself is frustrating without all the small disasters, as we all know. My efforts been delayed at every step I have taken to save my home. Having faith in people is way overrated. After waiting 3 months for the original application to be reviewed, I found that the case worker had moved on leaving my application in the lurch. After the organization finally found that my paperwork had been moved to another organization, I was told that I wouldn't qualify anyway. At their suggestion, I contacted my mortgage company who sent me another application. I provided all documents once again. They were not happy with my SS Benefit letter as it showed a portion of Ron's SS which is what a widow receives. So I contacted SS and got a better defined letter. A couple of days ago, I got a letter from IRS stating that my request for tax return transcripts could not be fulfilled. Called IRS and they are sending me the transcripts. All of this adds more time to the processing of my loan application. Small, inconvenient details I know, but stressful nonetheless. Today has started off no better. It is fortunate that I could only sleep for 3 hours. Got up at 2:30 AM and at 5:00 decided to fix a frozen biscuit. When I opened my big freezer, EVERYTHING was thawed out. I had opened it 12 hours before and all was fine. It shuts automatically so I don't think the door had been left open and the freezer is running, but sitting at 40 degrees. I moved everything to my fridge freezer and the only loss is the new frozen biscuits I placed in it 12 hours ago. They will become a big bag of dough from previous experience. Am waiting to see if the door really was open or if the freezer has died before calling repair. After all, it is at least 30 years old. Of course, none of this is devastating as are the circumstances that brought us together, but just another "straw" to be carried. Peace.

I think that is part of our self defense mechanism. In the early days, I would pretend Ron was off hunting somewhere as that was his passion before his illness. Then the image of his hospital bed in our family room would creep in as I watched him take that last breath over and over again. In time the image has faded. Because my daughter lived far away and I did not see her often, it was a bit easier to pretend she was just a phone call away. In my heart, I knew she wasn't. The last few days of her life is much harder to erase.

Gwen, When you think about it, I guess it is "life" that happened. Whether we like it or not, death will always be the end result of life. It amazes me that some accept the loss of a loved one so gracefully and are able to glean something positive from the experience. For some of us, the experience seems to define the remainder of our lives. I wish it wasn't so.

I know I should get out and do things, but I just don't seem to have the desire. My "get up and go" has gotten up and gone. It takes effort just to go to the grocery store. Before Ron and Debbie left, I was NEVER sick. Taking BP meds since my mid 50's, I was required to get bloodwork once a year for a new script and that was it. I have been to the doctor and in the hospital more in the last 3 years than my entire life. I am exhausted all of the time. I'm sure a lot of it is depression. You would think by now, I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, but it isn't happening. It's as if my incentive for living is gone. Yes, I exist, but I am not living.

Gwen, The shame is is realizing what I have done to myself and they would not be proud of me. I have not carried on with honor into a productive life, only a destructive one. I was not as strong as I professed to be and am not "okay" as I told Ron I would be. We all live in our own personal hell, I guess.

Marg, My BIL is a certifiable Paranoid Schizophrenic/Manic Depressant. I spend as little time with him as possible. Ron's mother was odd also. Trust me, you are nothing like either of them. When I was very little, I used to bang my head on the sidewalk. I don't know why. Drove my parents crazy. I continued this until they showed me a picture of a woman with a horn growing out of her head(Ripley's Believe It Or Not stuff). I quit banging my head, but to this day wonder if that may be part of the cause for my sometimes losing all sense of reason. Not really, but it's a good excuse. Since my husband and my daughter died, I have done a bunch of things that made no sense, the worst of which was spending money I could ill afford and destroying my life. That is not "me", but it is now "on me". Can't get it back, can't fix it. If Ron were here, he would somehow help, but he's not so I live with it the best I can. Unlike so many of you, I do not expect to see them again in the afterlife and I do not expend any energy in wishing to do so. They would both be ashamed of me. Like you, someday I will find my way. The energy I do have is spent trying to just survive. Peace

Too funny and so true, Kay! Hate to admit it Janka, but the "Walking Dead" is one of my favorites. I am more into suspense than gore, though.

Thank you everyone, I managed about an hour's sleep this afternoon before someone banged on my back door. I didn't answer it. I'm pretty sure it was Ron's brother who has recently started trying to worm his way back in. I thought I had settled this a couple of months ago when I told him we were definitely not "going out" together, but because of his mental illness he is "dumb like a fox". He showed up last week and wants to visit every week. In his mind, he is "God's gift to women". He is only God's gift to himself. When he left, he gave me a hug, not a brotherly one. My son saw him nearby this evening when he dropped off the new BP med, but he did not come here, thank the stars. I don't want to be mean to him, but I don't want his company either. I feel like I am in Peyton Place. We often discuss whether the second year is harder than the first. For me, this is the third year and has been the worst so far. Of course, it is the second year following my daughter's death, all of which is accompanied by the financial problems and not feeling well so I'm sure that contributes to it. Think I'll turn off the lights and watch a scary movie. At least it will be scarier than my life. LOL

Ron had seen many doctors over the years. Most are standoffish. Some are just plain rude. I know they are not there to make friends and influence patients, but a little compassion goes a long way. During his last days in ICU when death was imminent, I remember clearly the Pulmonary doctor who walked up to me and said "Can I give you a hug?' A complete stranger to me, but it was so welcome. On the other hand, the man who had been his Cardio for 10 years never said "boo" to me the whole time. He was a cold fish. The nurse from his office that managed his defibrilator called and sent me a card, but not this doctor. Heck, even the emergency vet where I took my poor cat sent me a sympathy card after the cat died.

Back to square one. The doctor's office just called and my blood sugar is fine. My sodium level is low. This is not new. It has been for years. The remedy is to add more salt to your diet, which in turn would run your BP up. I just use a normal amount. I am more of a pepper person. My money is on exhaustion which could be the root of it all. Marg, I remember when doctors made office calls. I remember one in California when Debbie was a baby. That was 50 years ago. I like my doctor. He is a young HIspanic with a Family Practice. He listens to my concerns, even if I baffle him sometimes. He is still a five minute visit man as they all are today. Perhaps there is merit in the farm store approach. I love Tractor Supply.

Today is Ron's birthday. He would be 69. I laid down to sleep a couple of hours ago. It did not work. Constantly running through my head are thoughts of how blind and naive I was regarding his cancer, especially that last month. You see, he had been fighting injuries, illness, partial loss of his foot, diabetes, heart attacks, Afib, and a multitude of other things for over 40 years. He was strong and determined and always conquered or controlled in the end. I refused to see that he was just plain worn out, that he couldn't fight anymore. Even through all our rough spots, he had always been my hero who had saved me from the wolves all those many years ago. I told him I would be alright if he left, but I lied. I am not alright. I love him and I am simply lost without him. Damn, I miss that ol' man.