debi.williams

Margaret, Cardinals and Crows are HUGE symbols. I will dig out my book on this subject and let you know what it says. Nothing Margaret makes up for their physical absence, nothing. I only wish it did. But if we had gone first, wouldn't we be trying our best to send the message 'I live' ! That is what he is trying to do for you. I believe God is standing right beside you. I don't even think you have to reach out your hand, because he has always held it. We have to grieve. It is part of loving and loving is part of God. When you pray remember there are no ceilings when we reach out to God, only the infinite, it all gets through. I think you are doing brilliantly. I am so very very proud of you. The strength to get out of bed and breath and write and talk and eat is coming from somewhere. Lord knows I know it doesn't just come from us but somewhere invisible, somewhere deep within. We sometimes Margaret, have faith even when we feel we have none. Big big hugs to you. I'll let you know about the book xx

Brad, there's a nerve hit there. I realise over the years the more loss I have had the deeper the fellow feeling. The English poet John Donne said from 'No Man is an island' “Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.” My husband, as you know had fought in a horrendous war, felt empathy to his core. Rather than harden his soul it made him softer. Seeing the senseless waste of life 'everyone was someone's son' made him cherish people. He was the first to weep when he saw any human sadness and it made him so kind. He carried out so many random acts of kindness even to those he knew looked down on him because of his olive skin. They soon, however saw his goodness, and wept when he died. People change perceptions of people by actions. As in the US there are flowers placed here at the site of accidents. it is not a UK thing, I had never seen it until I came to live in Europe (except when I went on holiday of course). These images haunted me. Now I know as you said Brad 'the width and depth of grief' The twins that perished must have left the hugest of gaping holes - if such a thing can ever be measured as such. To know a broken heart to be on the most intimate of terms with it is to understand a little more of your soul and why we are all here as human kind I think. When I first tracked the horrendous news from Paris all I could think about where the parents, spouses, sisters, brothers, friends who would join the club of broken hearts. Living with the pain until they too breathed their last. It is hell. Found myself very jealous of Doug Flutie's (former American football player) parents when I read they both died less than a hour apart from each other. That's what I wanted for us. Oh Brad. In my head I saw him and I in our 80's curling up together for an afternoon nap, hand in hand and then breathing our last. Floating away together over some distant horizon. Forever as one. Leaving Max - and our many grandchildren - happy in the knowledge we were together as we wanted to be. Brad, did you ever see the look Kris Kristofferson gave Ellen Burstyn in the ovie 'Alice doesn't live here anymore' ? Pure love. Just for the record I am an Apple girl. My husband bought me an IMAC and it changed my life.

Margaret, your words are so beautiful. I have never been a regular churchgoer but I was educated at a Church of England girls school and there we had to attend regularly. I was never sure which path exactly to take so I created my own. Praying every night - without which I simply couldn't sleep. I keep this up when my Mom died in 2014 but after my husband I simply couldn't pray any more. Still can't, not really. I can manage to ask God to please take care of those I love and that's about it. As I wrote to another member on this forum, I think that a God who created eternal love can handle our anger. I had some very strong signs after mom passed, incredible ones really. I cannot say for sure I have felt that from my husband which has left me crushingly disappointed and sad. I asked him in the hospital to let me know he is ok and he was a believer himself in such things. Maybe our grief is blocking us, I just don't know or maybe we are impatient. I hope they come x

Thanks Marty xx

We are an amazing group aren't we? Not only do we give each other masses of emotional support in the most loving way we also offer IT and mechanical advice! You have no idea how I wish we all lived in one big neighbourhood called 'Supportland'.....(I wanted to put a smiley there but they have disappeared of the bar...any ideas why from the IT support?) I think the question of 'finding:meeting' someone else is a fraught one. One one level, we all have so much love to give as is demonstrated here, yet on the other it would be unfair to the person we meet to always be comparing. I think if it happens it happens and it will have been sent to us. for younger people desperate for children I think it is a different situation and I understand that. I would say though that there are many wonderful souls out there. Many good men and women with so much to give. If perchance we did meet someone in the dim and distant future I have no doubt there will be a good reason for it and we must not be blind. My husband always joked he had to travel continents to meet me. He would say 'Where were you all those years?' I would reply 'Waiting' Someone could be at the beginning of that journey now to meet us. Our son has the same good and precious soul as his father, he will hopefully one day make a wonderful husband. Despite the troubles of this world there is always more good than bad that is why it has survived this long. Our souls are more open now than they ever were through our grief and suffering. Who knows, maybe one fine day we are supposed to share that?

He most certainly is Cami and in the most loving way possible. Don't be scared please. He is simply trying to let you know that his soul has continued and that you will see each other again. I have had some extraordinary experiences, most particularly when mom died, but our son heard his dad say his name when he was fully awake and about to clean his teeth! My husband was big on keeping teeth clean!!

My Dear Cami, I am so so sorry for your loss and in the most dreadful way imaginable. It is so hard to find any sense or logic to something so random and so destructive.On every level it is right that this guy is charged with murder. Justice won't bring your beloved husband back but this 'guy' won't be allowed to do this again. There are no words Cami that can bring you comfort. I lost my husband very suddenly in August to a brain haemorrhage, so I understand your utter grief. You have come to the right place to speak about your feelings. Let it all pour out, we can't work magic but we can offer you friendship and understanding. Big big hugs xxxx

Gwenivere, SO true 'never in a million years could I have imagined this' ......No part of me ever allowed myself to even think I would have to live a day without him. Keep seeing him as 40 Gwenivere. Our bodies grow older but our minds and souls don't necessarily follow, thank goodness.Like Steve, my husband always said 'I want to be with you forever' and so he was, for his earthly forever. x Brad, your last sentence is the one that nails it. We have to all figure out HOW to live without them. There's the mountain he are trying to climb in flip flops. x

Well today has not been a good one. My husband had 2 cars and one of them we have to say goodbye to. Why does this matter? Because this was the first car we chose together as a couple. This was the car that took us to Cornwall on holiday with my mom when I was pregnant with Max. This was the car we called 'Pilar' (like Pilau rice) This was the car that picked Max and me up from the hospital on Max's second day of life. This was the car that was parked outside our apartment in London. The first car we brought to Brussels with us. This is the car that my husband hung onto for dear life even when we didn't need it because he was a deeply sentimental man. This now is the car I have to say goodbye to. I can't afford the insurance anymore, plus there is a problem with the battery, electrics etc. It leaks, the passenger door sticks, it has a myriad of problems, but it was always our Pilar. We have to keep moving it (well my husband's friends not me as I don't drive) as they are carrying out street works everywhere and police signs keep going up. Last night my husband's friend called to say that it is time to say goodbye now despite the memories as it will need to be moved again. It is a responsibility. Max is very upset. He had so wanted to hold on to her. Today we visited her and loaded so many things from the car. We found Max's bucket and spade from a long forgotten holiday. my mom's umbrella, a little inflatable boat, its old UK numberplate (we had to re register it when we brought it to Belgium) my husband had hung onto it the numberplate was of course P2ILAR. Some of his letters where there and old baby shoe of Max's, a map of cornwall and other holidays. We were so thankful it was raining hard as we were both weeping. We took some last pictures of her because she will go for scrap now and no one will ever know the joy of some of her destinations or the most precious of souls she carried. She never broke down, she never let us down. On the coldest of morning she would start. I don't know what my husband would make of it. I know he would understand though. There are only 4 people in the world that knew what that car represented and 2 of the are gone. It's a heap of metal, I get that but it represented my husband in a unique way. It was so dear to him and that makes it dear to us. As we trudged away with all the 'stuff' we found in her, we looked back one last time. It's yet another loss of sorts.

Brad, I love that Deedo made all the 'owies' go away. We all seriously need someone in our lives to make the owies go away. I found my husband responded to a little head stroking with the words 'there there'. It always did the trick. You have certainly been in the wars my friend. Please take good care of yourself. xx Kay did you install the battery yourself? Anyone who has a clue about a car again is a hero (or heroine) to me! xx

Harry that was the most amazing tribute. Your strength and courage shine through, but above all is your deep love for Jane x

Scba your words really resonate with me. Sometimes I am 'almost' ok and then 5 minutes later I feel like I am drowning with pain. it is a sneaky thing, you're right. Sometimes I know what triggered it and others it just comes at me from seemingly nowhere. Hollow heart, it is so hard to be around others who just don't understand. I think that is the loneliest place to be. I feel the same many times, but then I think how can they understand? This is so traumatic for all of us that unless you have walked this path with exactly the same love we have it is just impossible for others to get even an inch of it x

I feel the same as Kay, Janka. You write so beautifully and from the heart xx

Ha ha Kevin you put a smile on my face Yes you have your own Brussels correspondent! Army out in force today in the metro stations all wearing hoods to disguise themselves. I think it is to reassure the people and I get that, but personally I was far more reassured when we lived in a world that didn't need so much protecting...seems they shot the Paris 'mastermind' today in Paris but for me the question is, how did he go to Syria do unimaginable things to innocent people there and then get himself back into Paris to commit these atrocities? Serious failing of Europe's secret services, they've been caught napping. Max was ill today with the same stomach virus so didn't go to school. He was supposed to go to the theatre tonight with his class, but was feeling up to it. We found out that quite a few of his classmates are not going either because their parents are scared of a terrorist threat. What a world.

Maryann, I echo everything you say and Gwenivere. My husband was good at all that stuff too and he enjoyed it. We too complimented one another and were true partners and soulmates. I too think on some subliminal level we both knew we were not destined to grow old together. Not for us a final sunset. Because, we had found each other and recognised each other's soul and cherished each other almost as if each day was our last. He will be forever 49 years old. And me? Who knows, I just know that with every gray hair I get, his will remain black and glossy and beautiful. I found this below and it hit home hard. I realise that HE DID spend the rest of HIS life with me, I just don't get to spend the rest of mine with him and my heart is shattered. The only positive is that he has been spared from this eternal grief.

Huge hugs. I would do anything to take everyone's pain away xx

Sorry this is so late, but your post is beautiful Harleyquinnx

What's an Accucut contest? All I can say is, competition or not I'd buy them to send to all my friends. Still people are trying to locate loved ones in Paris. There is a heartbreaking 'Recherche' (searching for) hashtag on Twitter with photos. Our language school has quite a following on Twitter so I keep retweeting them on the off chance that someone can help. Sadly, I was ill in bed on Saturday and retweeted one person's plea and then received a response later that he was one of the victims. Can't understand why there are still people not identified yet. We have to accept that there are people living in our midst who despise our way of life , it is really frightening.

Oh Brad. That's awful I hope your hand isn't too painful? Did you get a good dressing on it? I've only had a minor tummy bug, but it seems you've outdone me on every level. Now you wouldn't be showing off by any chance would you Seriously, take care of yourself my friend. You are precious x

It's all such a worry isn't it Kay? It seems without end and you just wonder what kind of a world our children, grandchildren and their children will inherit? x

You can still smell the waffles and the 'frites' and of course the smell of chocolate everywhere! Maybe one day...my fingers are crossed xx

Thank you so much Marty and Margaret i so appreciate your lovely thoughts. The news coming out of Brussels is not good and the only positive is that with the spotlight on the city, there are police and army everywhere, so ironically it is probably safer this week than it was last. The weather here goes from very cold to very mild and everyone seems to be getting sick. You're so right though Margaret, tummies get better but the grief doesn't xx

As you probably realised Kay, didn't win BUT no one did so another chance tomorrow (Tuesday)!

Kay these are wonderful. So artistic. As for your message? I can only say Amen x

Thank you Margaret, Kevin and Kay so much for thinking of me. I have had a pesky stomach virus (I will spare you all the details!) so I have been laid low for a while. The situation here is pretty horrific I must say and what happened in Paris leaves me with no words. It is a city I know very well and love and my heart goes out to the victims and their families. As you all know, our hearts are broken with the passing of those we love, so the thought of others having such a lifelong burden and in such a senseless way sickens me to the core. That these monsters (all terrorists in fact) so totally disregard the value of human life and yet live amongst us is horrifying. Brussels it seems, as you say Kevin, is in the spotlight. I know very well, the area that these people originate from and it doesn't surprise me. There are ghettos here that have been allowed to flourish but without any integration into mainstream society. Today the man named as 'the world's most wanted man' seems to have been arrested about 6 miles from where I am writing this. His face is very familiar to me and I feel he may have been a city worker (postman maybe). One of our language teachers Sandra, said he used to be a client of hers when she worked in insurance and he seemed like a nice man. That's one of the reason that stamping out this internal terrorism will be so hard. 'Nice' people become monsters. Being a Londoner I am pretty used to terrorism having heard many IRA bombs going off and dealing with at least one bomb scare a week. It doesn't harden you of course, but they cannot win. They want us cowed and this can never be. Taking sensible precautions is the key, but living in the democracies that our forefathers fought so hard to establish and cherish means being free. These are dark days indeed. Wouldn't it be great if, for once, our governments knew just what to do? x