debi.williams

I love you all. Thank you from my heart for your love and support . I wish you the best of days and pray that you feel the support, presence and love of those we grieve xx

So sorry my friends for the radio silence but it has been a very difficult few days here. Anyway, today we are back at work and the schools have opened. It has been very tense because we are still on 'Level4' risk of attack = 'imminent' so you can imagine. Level 4 is the highest any country puts its people on. So from now on? I have to worry about the only person I have left travelling to and from and being at school. My son goes to an academically difficult school here where you have to maintain top grades every year or you are kicked out. This morning he was greeted with an army tank and 6 news channels. He was not impressed with this and quite angry they were filming him and his friends. This is a state school those kids have got to on merit and a great target.....TV WHY ?. Scaba You may remember College St Michel ? This is a tiny, tiny country but it is the 'hub' of Europe as in it is Europe's capital so therefore a sitting target. We have here the parliament that makes up all the representatives of every country in the Union. We have here also the EU which makes all the democratic laws governing Europe. We have here the seat of NATO for goodness sake. It seems still we can't adequately protect ourselves from threat. Again what does that say about politics? I rent a little house, and I have shutters on it that I can manually pull down which I have. Max and I always joked to Mathew about 'Are you laying in for a siege?'(he always was a generous man and bought food in bulk) and luckily I knew that for at least 2 months we would be fine so maybe he knew something!!! (Actually he was left starving in the war he fought and shooting any furry animal that moved). So we have lived Max and I like that. I am not scared having lived through all my formative years in London with IRA bomb threats and explosions but for Max I wanted a better world. BUT let's get this into perspective. Hardly the bombing of WW2 my father lived through in London as a very young kid (the 'Blitz'). I think we all hoped for more. Oh is strange when you have kids isn't it? You become so much less and they become so much more..You want the sun to shine brighter for them, the seasons to be seasons and the world to be a much happier place than you ever remembered. What have I given my son? What have I done to make this world a better place? Zero. Just lived in my own little bubble of work, family and me. Nothing changes. On his last day Mathew said 'watch Max always this continent is rotten' I felt his random moment of prophecy. Suddenly I know why he said that to me. I wonder what he would make of this? His country of origin are direct enemies of ISIS. In fact ISIS hate them more than the Western world. Had he been alive what would he have said? I have never been SO in need of his protection...BUT he always manifested love and he made me calm. So he has. There is a limit to everyone living in grief and when you add fear and Christmas too it oh my lord!!! But We are living and breathing on this earth and that in itself is sacred. I love you all xx

Yes Kevin spot on; There is a siege taking place around corner not allowed to speak about it Twitter in lock down Need my husband x

I just need an adult hand to hold XXXXX`

Faith is the only 'It' Kay; i love you xxx

We are in lock down now. It is my nightmare cometh but it is as it is. The army is on the street.outside my house So now I lost HIM 16 weeks ago today now we have the beginning of a war... all schools closed army on streets. Never have I wanted Mathew more.....Never have I been so glad he did not live to see this. Does this make sense ? xxxx

Thank you a million times over Brad. When I read your first sentence I turned my head away from the screen and wept. You get my grief you totally do. It was never in our love contract I would have to play the role of 'God' We had talked about so many things, him and I I but never that. Brad you are right,, few things are worse. I have this awful feeling that had it been me, he would have kept alive at any cost. I Think Max would have eventually intervened, I spoke with the doctor, I spoke with the nurses. I wanted him, you see, so much so very much, and I needed him. They - nurses - got the love. When about 12-15 friends gathered around his bedside also asking questions. Max is wonderful and I know he is the best of us. Why he didn't tell me what took place, Only he knows. BUT there is no anger with him conversation ...when he said ' He said 'Daddy would have hated being in a wheelchair with no use of his limbs"to I which I wanted to respond 'Yes BUT WE would be able to be with him. To Max - Well what would you have done? Max - The same mom,but why didn't you ask more questions Therein is my hell xx

Gwenivere my beautiful fellow Blondie others may say different but when you 'use Mac there is no going back' it is more expensive and surely more streamlined and more beautiful BUT in my experience more flexible and fast...oh and did I mention...sweet? BUT Window (copycat of Apple) is mighty fine too. All that matters is we are in contact xxx

Kevin I remember it well. With sadness and with horror. I remember the UK taking to the streets and protesting but to no avail against Mr Blair and the mighty behemoth of the US with him. I recall a TV talk (probably now on You Tube) when he was cross questioned by MOTHERS of servicemen and still he lied. It was a shameful moment for our democracies and now we pay the price. NATO created ISIS plain and simple. They are firing British and US weapons we sold to them right back at us. The winner? Russia. Margaret most Iranians I know work like the clappers and are so well educated. My husband had a PHD in Engineering. Education for thel is everything. Sadly dicatoroship is not . Look too at Hafez xxx

Brad thank you thank you thank you. Your words of support to a troubled soul mean everything. I had to be so careful this evening and say to Max 'Tell me EXACTLY' what she meant... Brad I would have sacrificed EVERYTHING to have kept him with us. That was the easy part. as I was standing on the doorstep waving the ambulance into our cul-de-sac I had already told God to take any limb of mine he saw fit, but not to take him. I bargained on the basis of 'Keep him here and test me. I will do whatever it takes'..... On the Saturday night, the Doctor looked me in the face and said that 2 neurosurgeons wouldn't operate . His bleed was that bad. I wasn't really functioning myself then. When I went to see him (never told anyone this, I just wanted to pitch him out of that bed into a wheelchair and make a dash for the exit - imagining always in my weird thinking then that I could save him that love was enough I am weeping as I write. The nurses in my mind were kind and great. BUT I have always had feeling of 'what would HE have done " (if it were me'?) I looked Max in the face and asked him. In true 16yesr old style he said 'It is a pointless question because it didn't happen'c aka HE "DADDY° would have kept you alive no matter what. This is hell xxx

You have done it all perfectly Margaret. Spread Rumi around. Because he always got life even almost 1000 years ago... the same rules apply - the same humans are breathing and feeklng -. x

You know Margaret, there is already a novel in your first paragraph! If you get to have Anne Boleyn an ancestor you are already a little British Meriwether Lewis? You may not have travelled but your blood certainly has. Isn't life marvellous? What a history you have. Rumi was born in 1207 and is as relevant today as he always was although my beloved husband used to read him to me in the hypnotic in the original hypnotic language which is Farsi. Margaret, there are no answers to this world I think. It has to be played out. But as far our enormous grief...that too has to be lived out too. We are the living and we are the survivors and those who understand hell. I thank you for being my friendxxx

I am so sorry my friends. Just turmoil here, but Max just dropped a bombshell. When he (Max)asked me and my husband's friends to leave the room( 'I want to speak to Daddy alone' )he told me tonight something he has never said before. To set the scene, at the Erasmus Hospital in Anderlecht, Brussels - We all duly left Max spent about 10-15 minutes private time with his Daddy. We (my decision based on what I knew and saw and knew of my husband - then finally I said to Max do you agree? I could never make it his decision. He was 15 years old for goodness' sake) ) 'we' were about to turn off the machines and I went in search of water for the best part of 3 minutes. Then I came back to the place by the curtain and waited for Max to finish what he wanted to say to his Daddy in private. Anyway, tonight, Max and I started a casual conversation. Nothing extraordinary, but if I have something to say about Daddy I won't shun it. Death cannot be a taboo and more importantly, Max can never feel feel we cannot talk. This is the baton he will pass to his own children. Nothing must be out of bounds. I said ' I think we made the only decision we could Max' (turning off machines) but concluded with 'I wish I could have made magic' to which he replied "When the nurse came in she hugged me and said 'even if the neurosurgeons had operated your dad would be in a wheelchair without limb function.' (She said this to him in French- my son is bilingual-I am so sorry'WHAT?????) They told me that TWO neurosurgeons said they couldn't operate. They told me he was brain dead.. That they couldn't operate. That it was a 'catastrophic bleed at his brain stem' This has set up within me horror. Did I give up too soon? Why didn't I fight harder? Why oh why oh why???? I am sorry. This is horror. I cannot quiz Max anymore, but now I must live with the possibility he could be alive? If I had insisted they operate? He would have done anything for me. I had aml already made plans for wiping his arse (sorry to be graphic) in fact I would have done ANYTHING for him to be here. Because he was my soul too. I am distraught xxxx

I'll look out for it Brad It's a poem? We must embrace our inner child. In true Deedo spirit I think that is the very best of us. Having a bit of a bad night and trying so hard to fight it. The flashbacks are tough. xxxx

My Dear Margaret, I think Crows are hugely significant. All birds are. I think they can slip between worlds (I have, I think a garden pigeon that proves it - my husband's pet) but that is just my belief. I understand your waxy brain. I know if I could clear this smog that is within mine, then I could reach him, but somehow the shock prevails, for the moment anyway. As for the world situation I just don't know what to think. I was born in London UK, multicultural to say the least. Let's face it the British have had their noses in 3/4 of the world your country included, over the centuries and there is a price to pay for such interference. I m grieving an Iranian - to all intense and purposes a product of George Bush' 'Axis of Evil' My grandfather was from Syracuse New York and my Grandmother from France. The rest of the family seem to be Canadian or Welsh or ahem...Australian!. During the WW2 the UK took in Jewish people in their droves. It was the right decision. No country can stand back and watch the annihilation of humans in the name of a master race. Why did blue/blonde prevail when dark/hazel doesn't? Then why did God make us all? I know the Churchillian words of 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will never surrender' have instinctively driven the British to fight against any domination, despite us being the dominators for so many centuries. India/Pakistan/tPalestine the Commonwealth( even Belgium!) I have no easy answers. However, unless directly threatened, I have a problem with any country (mostly my own) going to war for oil. My government in the shape of the evil Tony Blair not only lied to the British people but became a rampant capitalist as a result. Many thousands and thousands died because of him (innocent civilians and servicemen and women). What price human life? All borders are artificial in the sense that humans made them. BUT we cannot be tolerant of people who despise the ways of democracy in our lands, anymore than we can be so arrogant as to assume we can enforce our ways on others. In short, let's remove our interests and let them reach a place of democracy in their own way. They are sectarian and we are not. At least we shouldn't be.I know a little about sectarianism coming from a long history of Catholicism and Protestantism. Heck England even set up it's own church and to this day no Catholic can sit on the throne of England. Religion (man made in my view) has a lot to answer for. There is God and then there is ...God. I know Kevin mentioned why Saudi Arabia has been so quiet...Well put simply they are Wahabis' a totally different sect, so would not be happy accepting Muslims from anywhere else, in fact as you can see they have shunned it. It isn't about Islam it is about sectarianism and false views of Islam. I know a little of these feelings having lived in both Bahrain and Cairo way before I met my husband. My husband being Iranian was by birth, was automatically a Shia Muslim - not Sunni which is ISIS. That is why the Iranians have joined with the Russians to fight them. That is why your country and Iran had 'Nuclear Talks' That is also why the US have been more open to the Iranians, because they know the Sunnis (ISIS) are their natural 'enemies. Our son however was baptised into the Church of England because my husband saw it was important to me. In fact my husband saw ALL human life as important. He fled a dictatorship ( a different world after the Shah) and Western Europe gave him a home. he worked all his too short life, never took public money and paid more in than by his premature death, he will ever take out. He helped people of all colours and creeds immeasurably. He gave me and his son unconditional love. So where do I stand on this question? I don't know. I am in hell with it. I know one thing though. if you want comfort. Read the Iranian Poets. Rumi , Omar Khayya, Hafez. That is the soul of the Iranian people ( my experiences of the word and its people by travelling have changed me a lot) not their dictatorial governments or ours. Sorry for writing so much! Below Rumi for you Margaret

Well thank God for that. BUT you must stop wearing those 6 inch heels Kay They are just not good for our toes!! It's not joke being alone when accidents happen. I wasn't when 6 years ago, I fell on the Brussels cobblestones running for a tram (they call it the Brussels carpet it dates back to 18th century) and didn't realise I had broken my shoulder. I was angry at my swelling ankle. But then I had my adult family in my life then,husband, mom people to take charge. Now I don't. When I have a bath at night I no longer lock the door, just in case I slip. I will shout to Max to not come in but call an ambulance, I have it all planned in my head. I am broken by the planning but I have to be pragmatic or Max's sake. I have no intention of slipping or falling but nor did you Kay. Accidents just happen. It shakes you, bless your heart.I don't eat desserts or shop either - apart from the essential food shopping and the never ending shoes for Max's ever growing feet! - but you deserve a good book. the year of Magical Thinking maybe? xx

So true Kay. Only death can part us but that is physical. Nothing severs the silken thread of love xx

With you all the way Gwenivere 2 Blondies alike mind you secretly impressed by digital camera thing by Ssshhhhhh don't tell anyone! XX

That went right over my blonde head Weirdly though I can wire up a UK plug but then it isn't like any plug in the world...!!!

Well I am rooting for you Kay with Accucut. You would be my choice because I would go into a shop tomorrow and but your cards and I can't be clearer than that

Oh Kay. My lovely lady. I want to hug you so much. What evil doers there are in our midst. You wrote with such honesty I could seriously take a noose to the guy (and I am someone who has anxiety swatting a mosquito). Karma will come around and I wouldn't want to be him. I can so see why, when vulnerable as you were, it is such a relief to find someone who will listen to you and seems to be saying all the right things. Shame, shame on him and his 'girlfriends'. I wont even go into the 'White Supremacist' thing...hardly supreme acts were they? I am in shock that no one could help you in authority. This man was a con artist. Simple as. Did you sign documents? I don't know a whole heap about this but under UK law for example, a man - 'husband' - that didn't live with you would be hard pressed to prove he had rights over your property/savings/material goods... Kay, if I win the Euromillions (now at nearly 167 million euro) I will find a way through this site to set you up, My wish is that you would never have to worry again. Lord if I could win it I would know exactly who to help. Oh I know these are pipe dreams but stranger things have happened. I am so worried about you barely eating. Can your daughter or son or both not help you just a little bit ? Some dollars a month would surely help? Yes, you were taken in but without strong friends around us that could be any of us. Still could be with weeping hearts. Your honesty is wonderful. I can truly say I think of you as a good friend. How do I possibly feel this of someone I have never met? Because I miss you when I have had enforced breaks from reading your words. No different to listening to or seeing someone in my book. It is your honesty that always shines through, that and your wish for better for others. Your sage advice is borne out of suffering and experience. You give us all your heart. My lovely Lady. George remains and only George. This was never intended for you, of this I am sure, a life of deprivation. But you give us on this forum such truth and love. That you are not bitter is a miracle. I hug and hug and hug you xx

Margaret, I read this about Cardinals but the author Lyn Ragan has much more to say. The red cardinal has many meanings as a symbol. It is probably most popularly a symbol of Christmas. This bright red bird symbolizes the beauty and warmth of the holiday season as it brings a bit of cheer to gray wintery days. The cardinals scarlet plumage also represents the blood of Christ shed for the redemption of mankind in the Christian religion. The birds common name, cardinal, is actually derived from the royal red vestments worn by Catholic cardinals.Many spiritual people will tell you that a cardinal also represents death orafterlife. Reports from loved ones and hospice workers often state that acardinal appears just before or after a death, or that a cardinal frequently visits or appears in dreams after the loss of a loved one. As a totem symbol, the cardinal symbolizes vitality. A balance of intuition, perseverance and strength, the cardinal is said to offer safe passage into the realm of personal power to realize one’s goals and dreams.The cardinal also represents passion and warmth as a totem symbol. Yoga practitioners believe the bird represents blood, the life force, and is related to survival, identity, health and security. This life force lies dormant untilactivated by meditation. However, frequent sightings of a cardinal should not necessarily be interpreted as a sign or omen. Cardinals are more comfortable with human beings than some other wild animals and frequent sightings may mean a cardinal is hungry and has pegged you as a source of food.

The fact you know how to is enough for me. Kay, I salute youxx

Kay, are you alright? That must have been awful. How did you do it? Falls leave us feeling very shaky because we realise how fragile we are and with no one to help us. I am so sorry my love. How are you feeling? xxx

Marty these are wonderful links. It is amazing isn't it, the resources that we have and we are constantly reminded that the path we walk is a well trodden one sadly, but at least now we have the internet and can find a little comfort somewhere. Thanks Marty xx