debi.williams

Yes do. It will be impossible to take in everything that is being said and at least you get to play it all back later

Brilliant Kevin! Well done you had courage there my friend xx

I love that you are onto the case!!!! Sounds pretty watertight to me. Can you record it somehow through the phone so you can play it back and if some of the information doesn't make sense at first it will do later?

Margaret, I am very specific about my recommendation(material/books/articles) to friends, and I understand the moments leading up to and after, panic. I can so tune into you leaving the buggy full of groceries. I remember in Central London, as the world rushed passed, clinging onto a wall and thinking 'please don't let me die here'. That was 30 years ago. I had one brilliant - in UK called GP in US called MD - who actually 'got it' I went to see a psychiatrist but it wasn't for me. But that is subjective, it may be a good move for you. Your family history hits a chord with me. My beloved Grandmother (or 'Nanny' as I called her) gave birth to a son with a hole in the heart. This was in the early 1930's and it was a death sentence then - his name was David - and she had a 'nervous breakdown' and suffered most of her life with her 'nerves'. The good new Margaret is, I buried her in her 90's and she loved life even to the end.!!!! (we were so close) I am so pleased you have a good neighbour. I often think I should have been American (next life) because you still have neighbours. In cities in Europe we don't have the 'neighbourly' feelings that I crave sometimes. I want to say again to you. YOU are doing brilliantly. This is so raw. You WILL get through tonight and tomorrow even if your brain and pounding heart tells you otherwise. Courage Margaret. You are not alone XXX

Thank you Marti and I am so pleased you have chosen to make it available here. Having suffered them myself I know what resonates with me and this immediately took me back to how I felt then and how I could, not necessarily conquer but overcome.

Watch the video Harleyquinn, I know you will find it interesting. Just one quick word. Did you give your full name? Have you posted anything on Facebook? (I am being paranoid!) xx

Oh Brad you are so generous with your lovely words. I must be careful my head doesn't swell I think the world of your soul and spirit and your deep and abiding love for Deedo, and I want to explain some things. Sorry it is probably more than you bargained for!!!!! Forgive me if I repeat myself. Brad I experienced life for so many years through the eyes of a man who saw wonder everywhere. He taught me well. He understood the human condition and could empathise with everyone, truly. He could diffuse a tricky situation with a kind word or gesture. I lost count of the number of 'strangers' who came up to me at his grave site to tell me how he had helped them in their hour of need. Driven for hours in the middle of the night to help them stranded on some freeway somewhere, or fixed a leaking boiler or gave them money when they had none. Acts he never told me about stretching far back. He was no saint, no one is, and he would have hated to have been thought as such. But he was the closest to all that is good in mankind that I have ever met and it was an honour and a privilege to have loved him and to have been loved by him. He never made me cry. He came from a distant land, another continent (Iran) and suffered much in his short life. He had to do national service when so young (Iran/Iraq war) and was his father's sacrificial lamb. It should have been his older brother that did national service but my husband wasn't the favourite. He witnessed unspeakable horrors as he was on the front line(towards the end they all were) It didn't harden him, it softened him. After his service, he left and with little money but a will to find something better he pitched up in Europe (long story). We met in London, UK but by this time he had made his life in Brussels, Belgium. His English was limited then (he could speak, Farsi, German and French) but something in us that first night recognised each other. I can honestly say I felt the same in reading about Deedo and looking at her beautiful picture at Disney. I know it doesn't make sense but it is as it is. There are too many mysteries in life to fathom. He suffered terrible racism in his life in Europe and yet he did not take one penny (UK) or cent (Euro) from any government (better known as the tax payer)in any country in which he lived. He paid his taxes (hugely so), he worked day and night (literally) to make a life and although there were only the 3 of us (we wished for more children but it wasn't to be) he would pick me up from work and when we got home the 3 of us would say 'family cuddle' and just stand holding each other in solidarity. He held my hand as I buried my Father, Grandmother and Mom. He taught me that love is all there is. Long after all else has gone. There are, of course a million, examples of this (as I know you have with your beautiful Deedo) but I have only really just finally understood. Love is really something that is not just yours to keep but to pass on like a baton in a relay race. If you have been loved you have been one of the lucky ones and you need to pass on this piece of fortune. We are all connected (none more so than those grieving) regardless of colour, creed or circumstance. Ahead of me is the hardest journey of my life (I will post more later) but haven't we all had them? I am not alone in this. You and the other family on this forum have lifted me up when I was in the depths. I read about your daily triumphs, each shuffling step taken in the right direction through sheer force of will and the wind of love behind us and I can't give up. All that he was (and is) is in our son. How blessed am I ? We are all connected, so you see Brad, your words to me lifted ME just as much as mine to others. What remains is love and THAT (even in despair) we can actually do something with. Big hugs xxx

Reading your post Katpilot has just stunned me. I honestly never thought about the growing old element of all this before. You are right. as we grow old they do not. My husband was 4 years younger than me anyway. It just hit me like a lightening bolt that he (assuming I live for a reasonable time) will never see me old(er). The gray hair, the increasing wrinkles, the loss of speed and dexterity. I feel very saddened by this. Not because any of us actively 'want' the ageing process but that our unspoken dream of fading away together will now never be. I cannot imagine why it hadn't occurred to me before now. I guess because it is only 12 weeks but even so...

I honestly can't add any more than KayC has written. I think she is spot on. Good luck x

Oh Kay I have only just read about the news of Butch. May the Lord God bless him and his family and I pray Butch makes a speedy recovery. He is a wonderful human who has been through too much. I am so glad you are keeping us informed xx

Margaret I found this page on the web that I thought could be useful. I am sure you know all this anyway but I found when I was suffering panic attacks that the reassurance I wasn't about to collapse really helped. Hugsx http://www.anxietycoach.com/what-panic-attacks-can-do-to-you.html

Beautiful Harleyquinn I received the hug safe and sound xx

Even better Harleyquinn! I love MM names my son has 3 names before his last name all beginning with M!! (Max, Maziar, Maurice) x

Dear George and KayC hoping you are both on the mend and feeling better xx

Dear Friends, I want to thank you all for your huge hearts and love. Each and every one of you has helped give me courage and strength. I have been so lacking in those and encouragement, which as you all know (along with practical support) we used to get from our beloved partners. Scba,Karen, KayC, Kevin and Ricky as always I want you to know how eternally grateful I am to have you as sounding boards of wisdom and love. It is ironic that we would never have 'met' if it weren't for our enormous losses, but I really feel God has given me the support from you to enable me to cope. Margaret, if I helped in any way then I am thankful. You are dealing with so much and having panic attacks on top is unbearably cruel. Your closing lines to me made me cry (for all the right reasons!) and are so lovely. Life may not have been very kind to us with our losses but it is a source of human strength to witness how incredibly kind we are to each other. Big hugs to you all xxx PS To make you smile. If I win the lottery I am going to organise a huge get together somewhere marvellous. Who is in?

So true Brad and Deedo is nudging you in the forward direction. You have done her so proud. Of course the ship will leak, but it is sea worthy and will sail. her legacy is the joy she brought you.Big hugs x

Looks so cool Harleyquinn. Love the combination of the 2 Michaels!

Kevin, that's quite major! However, what a relief when it is over. Courage my friend, let us know how you are as soon as possible x

No it darned well isn't fair Mitch. You got that right. We should all be with the ones we love, in health, living out our lives until old age takes us in our sleep. You are also SO right when you say that nothing prepares you for the death of a partner. The relationships we had with them had so many layers and when they are peeled back they reached our very core. Best friends, romantic partners, carers, helpmates, listeners, problem solvers, partners in love and life. What an unbearable loss. I have lost my parents whom I loved dearly but this is different. So different and so unbelievably, achingly, breath takingly painful. Mitch you are also so right when you say we HAVE to carry on. For reasons we cannot fathom on this earth we have been given longer and as Harleyquinn says, we don't know how long but we are here and that is that. I know we will see the ones we love when we pass and until then...

Good to be writing to you again Kevin and thank you for all the lovely things you have written. Yes those teeth and gums can sure make themselves felt...I ended up looking like elephant man......

It's a fascinating subject isn't it? I have asked my son Max to buy me 'Quantum Physics for Dummies' for Xmas...with an emphasis on the Dummy part! If you have been experiencing things that YOU know are not usual then pay attention. You don't need a medium to validate those for you, I think you just know. Do you mean physical things happening or images/dreams? A good medium should be able to name names, with no prior knowledge and talk about some little detail that only the 2 of you knew about. A couple of my friends have had readings like this. I went to a medium last year 3 months after my mom passed and there were one or two things he simply couldn't have known and he did validate for me that she died from an asthma attack - which I suspected and that no one else believed. Even the coroner's report said it was a heart attack. You know Scba I think your dreaming about your feelings is what you need right now. Of course you would love your wonderful partner to be present all the time when you sleep but sometimes we are trying to make sense of our feelings and we have to work through them. Good question about counselling....It is difficult to say, because I am not sure I can 'let go' when I'm there. I have only had 3 sessions so far but I find it difficult to release my emotions, it's probably the Brit in me! My counsellor does have strong beliefs in the Afterlife and although not appropriate for some I find that comforting. I totally understand when you say you are tired about the spiritual side of grief. it is exhausting. I spend so much time trying to work out where he is and how I can reach him. I am reading every book pretty much ever written I think and Amazon's profits are soaring. I can't seem to give up. Partly this is my grief but I also HAVE to find a scenario in my spiritual/scientific soul that makes sense. Actually I am not sure that anything makes sense anymore if I'm honest! xx

Gwenivere, you have summed up so beautifully something that is an intangible part of true love and that is the magic it brings to our lives. My husband found joy in raising little strawberries, feeding the baby birds and finding just the right length of candles. He loved the smell of rice cooking and the smell of me! He loved Rumi, Hafez and Omar Khayyam. He would weep at sad movie endings and stroke my feet endlessly. He would sleep under the Christmas tree inhaling the pine. Through him I learned to appreciate the details. The feel of new shoes, the fragrance of flowers and the taste of ripe fruit. He introduced me to the taste of Persimmons which I had never eaten before and which became for us 'the flavour of Fall'. He loved their amber fragrance. Yesterday I saw a perfectly formed red leaf (amazing the colours of fall) almost like a heart and I went to pick it up to take it home to show him and then I remembered.... But I picked it up anyway, because I want to honour the gift he gave me. His eyes on earth are no longer, so he will have to make do with mine. He was a child/man and I was so very lucky. He inhaled life and he exhaled wonder. Brad, I have no doubt your beautiful Deedo finally has her wish x

Both spaces are beautiful Amy. These are beautiful tributes to Daniel. How true 'A True Love Story Never Ends' you are proof of that x

Good to be back and to hear from you! Yes the music is beautiful. I know what you mean about mediums although I have heard of some people having incredible 'readings' I do like the science part on this video though (and some of the imagery is amazing). I think many secrets lay in Quantum physics and the idea that everything is connected. It goes back to the theory that energy cannot be created or destroyed. I know there is what is commonly called an 'Afterlife' I have had too many moments of the unexplained and I am quite a healthy sceptic about most things. Maybe we aren't 'meant' to know all as humans on earth. xx

I am so happy Margaret. If we can give or take any little comfort from what others say it is a moment to make that moment more bearable. So many here on this forum have helped me, so many. You are being so brave. You are not alone xx