debi.williams

Oh Kay I am so sorry to hear that. He would have known though that you did the right thing, which you did. I have no doubt i n my head he would have urged you along. Your well being would have come before anything to him. No comfort though when you actually had to do that. I think the things we choose to keep in the end are the things we most associate with them and are meaningless to others. My husband had a couple of tatty old shirts he would call 'his old friends' well, I used to urge him to throw them away and now?....You've guessed it, I can never part with them. Kevin, it's brilliant you are embarking on that journey. I am sure it will bring you a lot of comfort x

I so hope so Kay, I really do. He loved my mom too and it wasn't fair x

It does make a good metaphor Brad. Gwenivere I echo all you say. I HATE having THAT piece of paper. I have had to make endless copies too and I am still mailing them out 3 months later to tax, insurance etc. Maryann, I asked my son if he wanted me to remove his dad's shoes from the stairs and he said 'no. It would be strange without them' You BIL made such a poignant comment, I get the shower thing too. The last razor my husband used is laying untouched in his part of the bathroom closet. Kay there is something so personal about a ballcap hanging on its hook and a trinket dish.Things just take on a huge significance now don't they?

Thank you both x

Allen, please tell him 'Be still and know that I am God' It will help him and you.My love to you all xx

That is what I am working on at the moment Bard. The letter x

My wonderful friends. I posted this (below) on a certain part of social media. I agonised over it. Why? because certain people in his family can only have access to certain media and they are suffering too. My Husband's brother lost his beloved wife last year to breast cancer and my husband was desperate about it. It is my way of letting them know we are family. I have never been to Iran. My husband wanted to see his country once more before he died. WE had a plan. It was not to be. As from Saturday, I won't be in contact for at least a week because I will be at my Mom's house. There is no internet access. I don't know how I feel. Actually I do. I am bereft. I almost completely alone and I am just the only adult in my little tribe of 2. Mom said 'this house is yours' to Max, and my husband always said 'promise if anything happens to me you WON'T sell your mom's house' ... My husband and my mom adored each other..... So, I will put the key in the door in 2 days and there will be my ghosts. My beloved ghosts,...my father (1st) then my grandmother and then Mom (Can't even go there x 3) and now my beloved husband. The love he gave me kept me breathing throughout. As I write, I weep. Where the heck does this amount of salt from you eyes come from? Does anyone else's eyes have crust? I have never loved so much. I was given unconditional love. He was the one that gave me the world and also KNEW my grief He lost his mom aged (6)Those big strong arms that said 'I am here' and just held me. I will walk into that house and see his coffee cup on the sink, his work clothes on the floor (he left 1 week after us.but of course he took us to the airport (Manchester) and wept when we left him and Max and I, flew back to Belgium because of school) there will be the food still in the freezer. I have lived with this horror once before. Putting the key in the door after Mom. I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' The day of the funeral He 'heard' her loud and clear. Hardly surprising looking back because they were the two purest hearts. My Mother's wake was held in a park. I sat at a table in the the gardens and saw (in the distance) my husband's heartbreak of Mom. He wept and wept and wept. I will never forget it as long as I live. The loss of a parent in adulthood is horrific. The loss of a partner who held your hand throughout ...quite another. Thank you to Baback's Iranian family in Brussels ( for his Moroccan friends too) for those also from every continent ( his family in the US & Canada and throughout Europe ) here is to you all, for keeping Max and I in your hearts. So many of your friends, my Baba(my love) said 'We loved him.' I walk alone now on this earth, for however long, no one knows . But the legacy of love and caring continues. We are, and your friends,the continuation of the magnificent soul you were on earth. I will never 'get over' you, but we always talked about that you and I. There is no getting over your soulmate. There is simply doing what YOU would want. That is seeing our son live and be happy. We will, next week, make the hardest journey I have ever made in my lifetime. To an empty house. Empty of YOU, Mummy Daddy, Nanny. Putting that key in the door.. only you loved enough, my beloved, to fully understand. It is a lonely plough to furrow. Different continents/religions/1 heart always. My Baba I will love you forever. I am doing this for our love and our son.You are mine and I am Yours

I think Brad you have made the point so eloquently. My heart weeps when I see his shoes. I can never wear them of course and our son already has bigger feet than his dad. But they were HIS shoes and without wishing it to be a metaphor HE walked in them. xx

I know Keith. I doubt I will ever get over it. You are right about being prepared. It is a conversation you wish you had but how difficult it would have been for either of you to start it. That's the problem. In hindsight it would have helped us survivors. I was perfectly capable of having that conversation with my husband because we went through so much grief after my mom passed suddenly but you just don't do you? I am going to write a letter for my son with some advice on how to cope and practically want to do when I pass. I will include some words of encouragement and love for him. I have learned my lessonx

I love that Brad!!! I know what you mean. To be really honest, knowing how shocked my husband would be at what has happened, I must confess I have been expecting a marching band at my door singing his name. It must be as frustrating for them as us. probably more so....

Margaret, as KayC says it is wonderful to have a neighbor who totally 'gets' it. No one In my circle has been through anything like this and although I have some understanding friends there is a limit to their understanding because (and they admit this) they can't really imagine what it is like. I understand that and I wish it on no one. If there is such a thing as a hell, it is this. I love the image of Daddy Dog! You sum it up so well; 'We are hurt' and unfortunately all over, hearts, minds, bodies and spirits and it is not going away. I remember a woman saying to me after going through a divorce she didn't want because she still loved him saying 8 years later 'the sun comes out now but there are rays missing'. I can only hope for even the sun, let alone the rays x

I often think that KayC, more often than I care to admit. I am sure I missed a lot when dad passed and my grandmother too. it was only when mom passed did they become so obvious to my husband and I and Max, that they couldn't be ignored. My husband (pigeon aside) is being a bit too subtle for my liking

Butch! I had to read your post twice I was so thrilled! KayC has kept us up to date with what has happened thank goodness. Your beautiful wife is certainly your guardian angel, willing you on for your lovely family. Big big hugs and may you rest and recover quickly xx

Gwenivere, I know only too well how you are feeling. When you say that he made you feel safe and you knew he was here for you, is exactly me. My husband loved me unconditionally, which is rare outside of a parent/child relationship I think. Well, I say that based on what I see in other's relationships. He was also 'the man that can' he was positive and able to say 'we'll find a way' through all life's troubles. I do believe though that we don't just 'disappear' of course these belief gets tested because no thought process makes up for us physically missing them, but as you say, these are 'vital forces' If life was meant to be such a transitory and temporary state then surely the love would disappear too. Now you and I know very well that survives, so why not us too in a different state? I have no doubt he knows how much you miss him, but he knows you will meet again, something us survivors struggle with, so for him he has that reassurance us mere mortals don't. Wifflesnook, Little children are closer to all these thoughts I think and partly their innocence is because they subconsciously know more than we do (life has knocked it out of us) about the mystical. Bless your little granddaughter may she live a long happy life of love.

Dear Scba I have no doubt you are getting a sign. You are not going crazy. Anything that seems out of the ordinary or recurring has to be taken seriously in my opinion. Birds are big! My husband had this one wood pigeon he fed after she had been attacked by a cat. He used to call it his pet. She always came alone to feed, early morning and around 6pm. He always made sure there was food for her. After he died it was like the garden died, immediately. No birds and many of the plants turned brown. Never saw his pet again, that it until last week. I was feeling particularly emotional at the office so I stepped outside for some fresh air and this identical bird (I cannot of course say for sure it was the same one) landed in front of me. Now the office is on a main road and we don't see many birds really. Well this one flew onto an electricity box in the street so close I could have touched her and just stood there staring at me. It went on for 5 minutes, even people in the street were looking. One week after my mom passed a red butterfly landed between my friend and I in mom's garden It stayed for an hour. On the day we were leaving her house after the funeral ( 4 days later), it landed on the window screen of the car. Even mom's very down to earth neighbour said 'that's your mom' So you see Scba these signs we see are not imaginary and they are in their own small way extraordinary I think. If we are right, it must be so frustrating for them to think 'I am doing all this and still they have doubts' !!! Like you I can't remember my dreams but I know he has appeared in them. Your SIL has a real gift. Maybe you could ask her to ask him some specific questions? Kay ditto with the dragonfly. These things never happened to me before, has that ever happened to you? Kevin, I keep having flashes of every service station we stopped at in UK. I am with you there. Small moments but so vivid. Thanks for the link as always Marty x

I would love the link Jonathon.

I DO believe Gwenivere. After all we can"t 'see' love but we feel it. Some things are too strong to ever die and love is the one thing.. Somewhere, they ARE with an awareness of us and the love we shared and continue to. No way could all we felt just go 'puff' and disappear into the ether. The beautiful stories here are proof of such tremendous love. It is a magical, mystical world and love is at the core x

Keith I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband very suddenly 12 weeks ago to a brain haemorrhage. He was 49 years old. I understand your pain very well. Good for you for getting through your birthday Keith without your lovely Jenny. It is a milestone and so very hard. You are right, people do not understand. It makes them uncomfortable. Only those of us walking this lonely road truly get it. I will certainly read your blog. Kay I have just read about your 'proposition' ! It would be laughable if it wasn't so insensitive. He wants you to sell your house and pay his bills? Lord, what a catch he is!! Honestly, the audacity of some people. You had a Rolls Royce (George) you are not going to suddenly choose a Fiat (sad 73year old) now are you? On the other hand Kay, had he been an old fashioned millionaire, with southern manners and a yacht.....just kidding Lord, being a widow is hard x

I understand how you both feel. I find mornings very painful as I open my eyes and realise a another day lays ahead without my seeing him. I leave the house for work and seeing his car sitting there unmoved, where he left it. Normally I am getting in that car and he drives me to work. We chat and laugh and admire the flower display at the florists as we drive by. He kisses me and say 'I don't want to leave you babsy' and I say 'we have to part there is work to be done!' we kiss. Now it is just me on the tram alone going to work. Coming home the same way knocks the breath out of me. I turn the corner and see his car, just as it was this morning. No life in it. I put the key in the door and he isn't there. Why would he be there? He would be right behind me having picked me up from work. The stress of the day's brave face hits me. the magical thinking that he may, just may, by some miracle be there dissipates and I weep. Every single day.

It is comforting x

2000€ per tooth here, so son't be using the implant option alas...

I think we discover every day how true that is Kay. There are, sadly, a million little ways their presence is missed. Whether it is discussing the news or cooking a meal or fixing a leak. It is endless .....

Excellent! Now we just need to daydream about where it will be...Europe/US/Caribbean? Now I just need those winning numbers......Lord knows we have enough angels up there to help us x

So happy you've heard from him Kay and that he is out of ICU. He can hopefully focus on his recovery and pray he is up and about soon x

Love you too Margaret and rooting all the way for you. We all are. As Brad says hang in there x Brad, Deedo is such a lady! Didn't want to make a public fuss so rushes to the loo!! Of course it made things harder for the paramedics but I know I would have done exactly the same! It is that fear of everyone staring at you and fussingI think. Bless her. I also wonder if the neighbourly thing isn't generational? We lead such busy lives and despite technology have less, not more time, so the image of a leisurely chat over the picket fence is maybe more of an image than a reality these days alas. Kay, thank goodness they discovered the problem with your sister and can treat it.