Gwenivere

It’s very hard thinking about checking on Melody. I try not to think of her at all. It’s so conflicting. To want to run from something you love so much. These long, lonely afternoons would be better if she were here. She wouldn’t feel bored. If it had only been a.couple months she was gone while I recovered some it would. Have been OK. Bu5 not over 15. I'm stuck on the phone with my endocrinologist's office to verify I can do the video appointment Monday. I have 2 other calls to make before everything closes for the weekend. It’s insane being on hold almost an hour. Might have to take my chances Monday. This is crazy. The clinic closes in 15 minutes and I’ve been on hod for almost 2 hours using my flip phone o make other calls. Hardly had anything to eat. My shower aide may be moving far away in a couple months so will start paying her monthly to come by for her time here and travel. It’s only fair as she’s so good and caring. Right now she’s only a couple blocks away. Had a horrible nights sleep Friday morning. Woke up way too early, like 2 hours and again in 4 hours. Totally out of it b6 alarm time. Dee was all over the map when she got home. So little to do with me, thank gawd. She read me some of her journal. She’s an excellent and eloquent writer and poet. Blew my mind. I don’t know about anyone else, but the holidays coming are intensifying the.grief. Or. Vice versa. I keep envisioning when our life was full of so many traditions. Knowing nothing will be happening here. I miss. everything. D own to our Chinese dinners on the eve and night. The angel chimes at midnight. Breaking out the crystal wine glasses. Steve having to open one gift before bed. The tears that replace hose now every year.

Steve gave it a good fight too. Came a time to call it quits and enjoy (?) what he could. P lay music, dink his vodka, laugh with his buddies. He still wound up eventually in confusion the last few weeks and couldn’t be talked to. I don’t know how or f they administered meds. If they didn’t it explains his being so out of it as they couldn’t be stopped cold turkey. I suspect that is what happened and am still angry about that. I just realized I have another telemed appointment next Tuesday. That makes 4 days with 5 of them. Try to fit in walking. No real lunch the whole week as Friday will probably be a shower. This is nuts! Have to make the most of these late night time. Try for sleep. We watched Bad Santa and got a lot of laughs. My kind of Christians movie. Now on to time travel in Looper. Been entertained by the birds as they settle roles in their relationship. Counsellor says I need to call about Melody. That is going to be so very hard. 😰

Kay, I ca easily see how alcohol can ruin a relationship. It was an issue with Steve as well. So much off my family growing up. I liked it a lot myself, wish I could have one now. Miss my nightly nightcaps. Had an actual',good' night’s sleep. No dreams I remember. Just pure peace. It felt SO good. Very hard to leave that for this. I SO want to go back there. I’ve only been awake at this point 2 and a half hours. Long long way to go to 4am. Since I switched sides about 9am, the volume on the alarm was blasting. The peace was shattered. Been aware of the new bird. Named it LuLu heard on name of a contestant on Wheel Of Fortune. She’s still not doing much and Vern is very curious about her. Just waiting to see her eat. Talked to the surgeon again. He’s seeing me up with the mental counseling. I better s end him a message as I really need this. Today I speak to my counselor. Jusr found out a. woman Dee and I know know. who’s obsessed with her has claimed II've been contacting her behind Dee’s back. I’ve washed my hands of her over a year ago. She’s trying to cause friction and succeed last night. We have enough stuff that I’ve written about. She lied about me to Dee. My stomach is in knots as I don’t understand people that do such things. Have to find out about a shower day. I’d prefer next Tuesday, but that sandwiches it be ween 2 packed telemedicine days. I'm so tired and sick of it all. Off to hopes of nothing again.

The way this trouble with Dee will be worth it is if she stops the alcohol slips. She gave me her stimulus card she uses to buy it. If she needs it for something else, she knows where it is. In case something happens to me. It’s a start. Very edgy day. Much that tomorrow is going to be a repeat day. The other is the surgeon call. Dee brought a new parakeet home. It’s been moving around more than they usually do. She’s more fascinated with them than me. Next comes finding a name. Wish this felt like fun. Sleeping was very difficult Monday night. I knew I’d have to have the discussion yesterday morning with Dee. Making her admit to what she did. Make a bad start to both our days. RX med refills due and it’s all the withdrawal ones. So tired of feeling uncomfortable all the time. I do.hate that we wind up depending on others a s we get older. It was much more fun when we were too short to reach the kitchen counter or other places mom kept the goodies.

I truly wish I knew someone else to stay with me. I know one other person, but she is often gone 24 ours with work and sleeps when she can. Wouldn’t be able to help with meals and fill my med boxes. Nor time for my shopping. I don’t see how it could work. In regard to getting up, I need a reason to get out of that bed beside needing medication and crying. I went thru a stack of papers that just kept growing and a nightmare to go through for phone numbers, names and notes I don’t even remember what was talked about after weeks or months. Probably very unwise, but I put %99 in the recycle. I ned a clean slate. It go annoying trying to find something and no way to organize it. I have 2 places to ca ll today. Then I have no paperwork. I may dig some out. Yup, exactly what I did, but really cutting it down. It made me feel I had even less of an identity. Make busy work for myself. Just heard Kirsty Alley died from cancer. So very sad. I so hate that monster. Stole my beloved. So many in my family and so many others. So many terrible things that happen to people of all ages. Especially children who get robbed of s o much time. 💕 to all.

Back again after another Sunday. The Seahawks played so the game was on most of the afternoon. I’ll never understand that game. It’s still exciting to watch when your team is playing. Church meal was pizza and salad and I ate way too much. Had to start yesterday with another‘discussion' with Dee. She kept me up too late Saturday night and I couldn’t relax well to sleep. She drank a bit so broke the rules again. All I’m doing better at is fending off the usual repeated angers she bundles in. Saying I won’t do arguments we’ve already done again. Our styles of discussion are so far different. She’s hot and loud, I’m calm and stay on point. I may bring in something from the past if it has direct connection. Not to make the other person defensive and feel extra pain. Talk to the surgeon again this week. Don’t really know why. I was supposed to think about the next surgery, which I have, and no closer on another gamble. I’m more focused on how one lives in perpetual pain. I think Dee is going today to get another parakeet. That gets me thinking about Melody and down. Nina suggested my calling to see how she’s doing, but I fear the pain. Nothing Is even close to what I thought it would be when I came home. As much as I grumble about Dee, and I know everyone thinks I’m nuts staying with her including myself, she’s a reason to get up. Otherwise it’s laying in bed wondering what’s the point? Time to start thinking of something to fall asleep thinking about hat still feel good about. Not an easy task.

Back again. Yesterday was really Sunday and we got the church meal. Pizza and salad.

I know I’m going to be forced into changes in the future. If Steve was here we’d have the latest and greatest already. He loved that stuff. I’d know how to use it as he would have taught me. More of the ways we find to miss them. Sitting here Saturday afternoon so sad and down. Dee’s going thru treasures she’s just gotten back after years. Her depression lifted til she accidentally trashed her favorite picture of her partner. I had to switch to another TV show as the one I was watching was too cute. Made it feel worse. Put on a L&O spin-off. Not happy happy like Toy Story. I don’t know why I think I can watch those when I’m really down. Of course Dee had to have a meltdown. I it’s r required per da y. I’ve never met anyone that is so out of touch sense of humor wise. I was watching Judge Judy and shushed her like Judy does and she blew a gasket that I did it to be mean. I saw it as obvious I was imitating. Watched a movie last night that was one long car chase. Wow, so tired last night and weird stuff with Dee I forgot to post this. I get to do another today. More to blur your eyes.

Very bad sleeping night Thursday. Couldn’t eat as waiting for the bath aid and will have a new housekeeper later in the day. Bad headache and don’t know if I’ll get my hair cut. It’s bad enough so many things are changing, but so many at once really overwhelms me. A different housekeeper. Took a lot of time to tell her what did and didn’t need to e done. I wanted to get my hair trimmed, but it was a CCenter day for Dee and think it will be better today when she’s not drained from her running around. TV. out again with snow covered dish. More snow than the other night. Have to write myself a note to record fore nights like this. Shower and different housekeeper yesterday. So so meal from the community center. Excellent dark chocolate after. Off to slumber. I’m even boring myself right now.

I wish I could et a doctor to come here. Most you can get is a nurse or PA. Got a nurse who said moisturizer, not vaseline like my doc. Said I didn’t need a hip bandage, but the cream would stain. Pick whatever side to sleep on. These are my fun options of the day. Snow supposed to start again tonight. Someone just coming in or out sends massive cld in here. Not going to complain and so grateful I don’t rely on wood like you, Kay. Had counseling and Dee was home. Shut the door between the bedrooms and living room. A lot was about her. How to handle these repetitive things that come up in new angers. Told my counselor it doesn’t work saying I won’t do them again with the new stuff. Even if it is decades ago and not fair, not hers to judge. I can refuse to not respond but it adds fuel. She just doesn’t fight i'd prefer discuss) fair. Don’t know if I’m getting a shower today. Left a message with my friend. I need to know ASAP after I get up to know if I eat or put it off. Change’s how much lunch I eat and when.and when. Here's to slee and maybe seeing someone I love. Reality is long enough everyday. Marg, I can’t imagine what you’d find in your cabinets that belong in your fridge. Thinking about places that have snakes and gators is no where I’d want to be! Mean possums are more than enough.

I n absolutely at a loss of what to make of everything I’ve been told. I really need to be seen in person and it overwhelms me what it takes to do that. Of course it would get to the worst with the harshest weather. Talked to my insurance company yesterday and now I have to file an appeal for an August charge. Been fighting this for months. No one knows what it’s for. All I have is a code and a name. I don’t understand why my insurance can’t track this down. Almighty dollar. Better me than them pay it is my best guess? Spent a lot of the afternoon sitting in that depression that has been wrapping around me more every day. A lot is having to do appeals and other things that require skills I am losing. Or why fall on me. Another fight with Dee. Not worth going into details as she has really gone off the deep end. This is a tough one and might cause her to ruin everything. Just a ew hours she was thanking me for caring so much about her. Settled for now. She admitted she overreacted. Didn't lose satellite last night. Made things much easier. Getting lots of beeps from batteries but that I can live with. Sleeping on a different side tonight. Want to stay off my eye and ear. Kay and Dee, I know your in this abnormal cold for here. Kevin is a veteran and probably laughing at us.

Rainy, dark and snowing yesterday. Never have had snow this early in the year. Have another-convergence set up in a couple days to do the same. Adds to the general depression that looms here. Makes me miss the bird we just lost. Heard back from the surgeon's office. Set up a Zoom call for a week from today. I need an answer on the fractured vertebrae. Told to walk, but that and bending could be causing it. I don’t know what they want me to do or not do. I’m not sure if I will get enough pain meds prescribed next week. Yup, the ones I hate. My satellite dish is covered in snow so no live TV. This could be days of problem. I have stuff recorded, but not. Enough for half amount of time. Barely going to break freezing for. awhile. I’m not a mu sic or silence person. Have to record stuff during the day if it slides off before more. Game time and the sleep time.

Woke up to another problem. Nina is not sure she wants to pick up another bird for me. Thinks there is a bigger story beyond Dee thinks that this one might kill a new one. I know they were fighting, but it was dark and she fell and was sick as she was puffed up a lot and not eating very much. so we are going to talk about it Tuesday. She said she would get the bird probably. Just don’t want to lose more life around here. I was on hold for about an hour and only told to call the 3 credit reporting agencies plus it was to put fraud alerts on them. That was harder to do. Free with 2, ,1 wanted $20 a month. Passed on that. I did all I could. Scammers are going to want to move fast for credit cards and loans. Yesterday I slept the whole night without waking til the alarm went off. Normally that would be cool, ut I hadn’t moved at all. I’m so tired of taking a handful of pills going to and getting up plus 3 other times of day, but less amount. It makes me feel so old. It's so strange to feel you don’t belong anywhere. To come from such a full and happy one. This house is changed. Who is this woman who dwells here now? Wh is it full of medical stuff? Why isn’t just messy like it got before? Maybe crumbs on the counters or clothes left on the floor? Nothing that would be life endangering if the power went ut like oxygen? Steve shabbily make his side of the bed?

Thank you everyone. Sure would be nice if it meant something anymore. I think you all know what that means. Did get so much candy tho. The parakeet I thought was going to be OK is not. She’s back on the bottom of the cage and in what I’ve always recognized as death coming. Will have to get another as they do better with a partner. Just like we do. She died Saturday afternoon. Dee went way overboard about it. I like them, but not like a dog or cat. She refuses to go get another one for me. Going to ask Nina if she will. Going thru hoops getting my cell phone going. It’s working now with a new number. Will create problems for all it was tied for years. Had it memorized. Now I have a new one and don’t understand why the other is unassigned now. Want to switch to ATT as they will deduct it without me doing it every month unlike T Mobile. Then I realized too late I got scammed. I was so stupid and gave him my social security number. Have to call ASAP Monday on that. I feel so stupid. Know better when I have a clear head. Right after Direct TV made a service call, a guy showed up to see if I was satisfied and said he could save me some phone costs as they team with ATT. Said he needed d to verify my taxable income. I won’t put my number on websites but gave it to him. I really messed up. I can’t believe I was so gullible. I don’t know what damage can be done. Yesterday was full of worry about my SS number, trying to find out anything I could do to get ahead of any damage, mucking with cell phone , talking with my Sunday buddy when she brought up assisted living. Called my cousin and she talked about getting more income for disability. Dee just has to be her usual drained self and I feel like I’ve been thrU a blender. Last night it wasn’t me! It was someone I knew that was messing with her head for years. I warned her but as with all people with agendas, she exposed herself. Dinner tonight is another turkey traditional. Not going to complain as it’s healthy and free. I’m barely able to drag myself up. I definitely wasn’t planning on my chore with SS. today. Hope it doesn’t take all day, but this is the government.

Thank you everyone. Sure would be nice if it meant something anymore. I think you all know what that means. Did get so much candy tho. The parakeet I thought was going to be OK is not. She’s back on the bottom of the cage and in what I’ve always recognized as death coming. Will have to get another as they do better with a partner. Just like we do. She died yesterday afternoon. Dee went way overboard about it. I like them, but not like a dog or cat. She refuses to go get another one for me. Going to ask Nina if she will. Going thru hoops getting my cell phone going. It’s working now with a new number. Will create problems for all it was tied for years. Had it memorized. Now I have a new one and don’t understand why the other is unassigned now. Want to switch to ATT as they will deduct it without me doing it every month unlike T Mobile. Then I realized too late I got scammed. I was so stupid and gave him my social security number. Have to call ASAP Monday on that. I feel so stupid. Know better when I have a clear head. Right after Direct TV made a service call, a guy showed up to see if I was satisfied and said he could save me some phone costs as they team with ATT. Said he needed d to verify my taxable income. I won’t put my number on websites but gave it to him. I really messed up. I can’t believe I was so gullible. I don’t know what damage can be done.

Got my shower. Also lots of food. Turkey soup and lots of chocolate. Pain pill hit me hard having gotten up early. Wish I’d wake up with a couple hours to still sleep instead of this 25 minute stuff. Not enough enduring the need to get up. My cousin is calling for my birthday which was yesterday. Not really looking forward to it. She’s a fixer and I don’t want to talk about all this time as I’ve gotten it off here. Better get going to the usual bed routine. Don’t want to go too early or thee withdrawal will be too intense. Was tough without steve and kids on my day which I prepared for best I could. Hit a very low percentage.

It’s sad there are so many other 'use's' out there. I wish they could find this to help. People get so lost. Fortunately some have good support systems.

Woke up to problems with one parakeet. Both were fighting last night and one was on the bottom of the cage looking almost dead. She’s up and around now. Doing normal stuff but her right wing seems sensitive. Being an even more boring and lonely day I’m grateful I don’t have to deal with a sick or dead bird. Typical holiday. Everything closed except Walgreens. Maybe some fast food places. Dee stayed home all day. Was very difficult and nice . Not being around people all day made her calmer. She lost it a little about watching the news. Now about my wanting some alone time (like she takes) so I can do this. My shower friend is coming by. Hope this works as I can’t do lit and I have counseling shortly after. Don’t want any bathroom emergencies. That complicates so much. This switching sleeping sides every night is annoying. In rehab I would do that every morning, but I was doing better there. Lots more walking so I had stronger muscles. Those are long gone. So much for my coming home and ‘doing better'. GAWD!!! Dee’s been out here 3 times annoyed I’m doing what I always do now which is this and my games. She said I get a lot of alone time. Not by frigging choice! I don’t tell her when she’s wherever she parks for hers. Why she has to find a way to mess up a day and blame it on me is amazing. I’m just getting better at shrugging it off. Better plan on going to bed without help. Anyway, need to focus on getting thru today as that also involves pinning my hair up which is a huge effort. Hope everyone’s holiday was the best it could be. 💕

Kay, looking at snow already? I’m hoping we don’t see much and rarely. It’s just too ugly quickly living on a busy street. I'm hoping my brain is working better today. I’m trying to rebuild the Yellowstone season I missed. By the last hour before bed I get stressed out knowing the sleep thing is coming and how complicated it is. One good thing is my alarm I thought needed replaced doesn’t. Dee’s taking my cell phone in to get it reactiv.eted. Turning out to be complicated. At least for her . I spoke to customer service on the phone and it just sounds tedious for me. These things are so hard for people with short fuses and she’s one. Talked with a new surgeon and he wants 3 tests before deciding if I am a candidate for this last physical option. The challenge would be a CT scan. Would be very iffy I could that. X-rays and bone density would be hard too. Aside from the pain, he actually listened to my mental concerns. Wants me to talk to someone they have that addresses this. So that’s the next step. I'm starting to feel really scrungy. It’s going on 2 weeks without a shower. My bath aide changed job hours a and is now sick. I’m going to have to get out the thick bath wipes. Watched Capote last nigh5. Sad that Hoffman and Liam Neeson's wife bo5h passed on. Him from drugs/alcohol and her from a freak ski accident. Gonna be an odd day today. Will be lots of triggers. I already have them seeing a tree from when we bought living trees for Xmas. It started at 4 feet and so huge now. Steve basting the turkey all day. Yup, it’s gonna be tough today. Can’t even escape into phone tasks, everything is closed. 💕 is all.

Dee spends a lot of time places she is volunteering . The Community Center and Gods Little Acre. Time got away from me today. So many things went wrong. Have to get to bed. No boring you all tonight. I thought I had season 4 of Yellowstone and I was recording 5. It’s set up to do it, but it’s not. Now I have to manually put them in. My alarm clock is shot so I have to get one today. I need one for each side since I can’t roll over. wish I could cry. 😰

I often find nurses more helpful than doctors. Unfortunately, they don’t know as many meds and can’t prescribe. I’m waiting for miine to return for a blood draw and check on 2 other issues. Tred to settle 2 things bhy phone, but culd not get past getting paperwork in the snail mail. That always drives me nuts. I wanted to gets done and off my list. My living room 'office' is overflowing with things to settle. 1 or 2 would be. OK, but 5 is too much clutter. Have to sort thru so much. It gets so messed up with others. Too many irons in the fire. Dee doing her, what seems daily, thig of getting all whacky soon after getting home. She thinks 'I' think whacky 'because I’m'straight'. I can’t make any sense fof it. She’s the one I’m always labeled tho she claims to hate labels. She can make a dark mood so much darker. She didn’t want to do movie time and I wasn’t sure if she was coming back so I covered the birds. Holy cow! I could barely do it! Another reminder of how limited I’m getting or discovering. I spilled my pain meds on the floor too. Got them all I hope. Will have to haxe someone look under the table and chair. Dee when she’s reasonable. Have to set the dust alarm and hope one works in the morning. I’ll do that today

I do have have a nurse coming ut. She’s been here twice and will again. it would be better to see the doctor but he’s booked and it’s so difficult for me. Might have Dee take a picture of it to send my doc. My problem with what I want to post is it’s in a PDF file. It won’t let me copy and paste the whole ting. It won’t let me select anything. I am trying to get my buddy to send it in plain text so I can copy it. Also In it’s form now it won’t even copy the whole thing. Just half. Even if I could copy it to here, people would have to open the file and I want it easier than that. It could easily be missed. Dee is mulling over going to visit her father who hasn’t seen in 40 years over Xmas. Pro's and con’s. Long crowded bus ride 2 ways, adhering to he and his wife’s schedule and just out of her comfort zone. I can’t help her. He signed her over to foster care. I come from a stable, loving home. Sleeping on my opposite side was weird. Really hurt my supposed healed hip. Getting up and down was more difficult. I didn’t hear the alarm so I’ll have to check it just before midnight as I may have set it for PM which wouldn’t surprise me. It was and never went off. Dee checks i it’s getting too late Off to sleep and business calls today. Had a bad church meal last night. We’re slowly dumping food from the freezer to get decent stuff. Then the gar age one. Supplies needed are so very different now.

I should have waited til yesterday morning to write anything about Dee. She had been drinking which explains everything. It’s like flicking a switch. So, another long talk about how this has to stop. I did refuse to get into the details yet again. It’s the basic rule to be adhered to. B I'm getting very concerned about my ear and eye. Scary I can’t get anywhere. It gets so swollen my vision gets blurred. Going to try sleeping o my other side so it’s not being weighed down for almost 8 hours. My Sunday Zoom buddy wrote an amazing letter to her ''Inner Core'' that is amazing. I tried to copy it to here but it’s not cooperating. Got to get ready for a different sleep. No time to prattle on. I am going to try and see if she can send it to me a different way. hugs to all. 💕

Being a listener for others is terribly draining. Such a reminder of where we are. Like we need it. Spent my afternoon making medical and government calls. I realized I was chasing a medical bill I hadn’t re-received for this August yet. I’d say it was rectified by now, but I’ve gotten bills as far back as February. I heard a great line in movie. Each of our own time is wound when we start, we don’t know when it will run down and stop. Something we would consider when life was so bright andI exciting. The whole concept would be ridiculous. Pretty much everything I see on TV, movie or commercial are all showing people living life with meaning. Well, Dee off the rails again but more info for me. She’s always saying how ‘straight' women are ‘coming onto' her. She’s blamed me for it too for visiting her after we met. I just wanted to chat because I liked her, but she’s been on me for a vverylong time I 'came onto' her. She was texting with a couple of friends and one talked about taking a walk with her dog, don’t know what the other said.but she doesn’t get people just wanting to hang out like normal. She misunderstood emails I sent from rehab. I did tell her my feelings were deepening for her. Says she would never have talked to me as I'm not. Her type. .??? There’s so much more, but it’s agitating so close to bed. Like dong this when most nights she knows this is what I do. She sits on the couch mumbling how I don’t care about her. There goes a decent nights sleep which is bad anyway. Holiday week coming up. That’s going be tough in so many ways.