Gwenivere

Oh Dee, I feel as you do. I try and avoid that as much as possible. That in itself isn’t possible. Being alone is the worst feeling in the world.

I think about this surgery and have the same reaction. A huge gamble I could lose and be worse off. For good, the end. Making the inevitable happen sooner. Maybe speeding it up. I’ll listen again but I’ve heard it twice before. I could lose my freedom to end things on my terms. I’m still trying to figure why they think anyone would want to live this. It’s because they have no feeling of the mental toll this takes, even beyond the pain. I didn’t even check in here til almost 9pm. 2 appointments and insurance calls took up the the afternoon. Couldn’t finish what I wanted to get done. I was telling my counselor our sessions and what I write here are my only times I can feel how I truly feel. Always listening to others. I’ve said this so many times. The nurse that was by today said my hip was healed, my ear is still infected and never got the blood draw orders and even tho I had the doctors office on the line, it couldn’t be done verbally. All these policy rules. Today I need to contact licensing to find out why my property payments haven’t cleared. I sent them n September. Got the OK to sleep on the other side now. Not sure how that will. Since I don’t move any more. Dee remade my bed so I can use my electric blanket now. Reaching the controls is another story. Have to get sleep for list of calls today. Dry TV day for background. Recorded a movie for tonight till official movie time. Old one. He’s so young* in Carlito's Way.

I blame greed over truly helping people. The people that could use it most get the least. The people that have good resources buy better coverage. The insurers are driven by the dollar and if you talk fair and equal you’re viewed as a socialist. Another day in paradise. Lots of little calls to make. Nothing will really change. Constantly is in place. Even Dee came home and found ways to pick on me. I gotta keep shrugging it off. I’m so sick of hearing how I do things are ‘illogical' because she would do them differently. Somehow I made it this far in life by 14 years more. The surgeon’s office set me up with an appointment next week with the one that does the even more hard core one to talk about it. I’m still in the same place They can’t guarantee and have no reason to live alone. What would come after losing Melody as if already. I. feel-that way now. This is the surgery they told me was 3 months of even worse pain waiting to see if it was successful. If not, stuck with it. I think about Ally so much. How she got me thru 5( e fi4 s5 few years until I los her. How quickly everything went downhill There was an ombudsman were I volunteered and rehab, but they never did anything I could see making a difference. Nor the social workers. It seems the medical world is run by money. I got a large envelope in the mail from my insurance and %95 of the time i5's bad news. Was today about dates for me I haVe nothing on my calendar. More calls as they are costly. I don’t think it’s my responsibility to check out if they are covered if they are my docs refer and insurance. I think they should check before coming out like I did when I did. It when I made my own appointments or went to urgent clinics. Well, I’m already worn out from a night of Dee having an especially cold mood, having 5o see the nurse and my counselor today. Another messed up lunch day too. Little things like that are impacting. Morning, you early risers . 🌞

I’m totally messed up on caregivers and who gets what when. Right now I’m just hoping I get thru a shower. Got a list of calls to make. Try and get some food in the aftermath. The shower was tough. Always is. Always think I’ll take a break from walking but so far never have. Too scared I’ll give up on it.l. Talked to quite a few people today. My Sunday buddy wanted to talk last night to make up for Sunday, but by phone and we have the news running and when Dee ears. Nowhere comfortable I can go. Found a conflict Thursday with the home nurse and my counselor. Trying to work that out. Was for an added blood test needed but I really need my hip, eye and ear looked at quickly. Ear skin is bleeding. I feel so gross. It’s a terrible feeling. I hope I don’t wind up with blood on my pillow. This just gets better everyday. Watching a movie about a guy who takes an ER hostage because the hospital won’t treat his son for lack of good enough insurance. Quite a commentary on the state of health care in this country.

I’ve never heard.of any way someone gets someone in home from the state if they have money to pay for a caregiver. If that were that were the caee there'd be no need for all these companies that provide them. The only time the state gets involved Is lack of funds and not to keep you at home. It’s cheaper to throw you in a facility where you vie for care and no one is available to just you. Rereading what you wrote confirms this. Having funds. Talked to my doctor. Not changing pain med dose for now. I can do that at will til we talk to a pain specialist for other options like patches to possibly stop the same ups and downs pills do. I see problems the4e too. There’s just no simple way to deal with serious pain relief. He said to stop using antibiotic cream and go with vasoline instead. Said something Dee overheard I know will come back to haunt me when she next melts down. It was bad enough last night. Have too many things happening here this week. But without them the day would forever to get thru them. Woke up Monday morning by agonizing pain. Never felt anything like it. Probably a pinched nerve, a huge one. My meager refuge is shrinking. I need new glasses and it’s really priority. It’s tough when your depression adds to itself.

To get to the point the state helps you, you have to be without financial resources. That’s what scares me. Plus winds you up in the worst place ever. A nursing home. Having volunteered at one, and a supposed good one, I saw how understaffed and hires were of people were not inspired for the job. Residents waiting hours for help. Some familiar pulling their loved ones out that were paying. Made rehab look like nirvana. Not sure about assisted living. I know they had someone there 24/7 per 8 residents. Really yucky Sunday night. Certainly not as cold as the Midwest or back east, but much more than we are used to here so soon. Usual week coming up. Add in a nurse coming by. I’m getting to hate shower days. So much work and pain. Actually no day is anything to like. That’s nothing new. My usual Sunday Zoom call was cancelled. The only call that isn’t tied to this mess. Didn’t realize how much I like that half hour helps. Dee, wish I could cry like you do. Steve wouldn’t want me to cry either. But he’d understand. He knew how much I loved him. And still would and do. It’s one thing that never changes when you have the rest thing.

It was another alcohol night. I told her she becomes what she hates, a bully. No sense wasting more on this topic here. It’s evident I need to find a solution. This time I was extremely dead set on terms. Our Seahawks are playing In Italy today so have the DVR set to record at as it’s at 6:30am here. Have no idea why they are over there with Tampa Bay. Both teams have arenas. Maybe I’m wrong about Tampa. Got to be hard core to watch at that hour. Some will, booze and all. Been thrown off for days by the holiday. Now it’s really Sunday. Might have a Zoom meeting with my buddy. Know the game will be running. Shrink cut my meds as I expected. Enough to make withdrawal worse. I so want to cry. Need the release. Anyone find it hard to cry? Like your so empty inside?

I wish I could find a better solution. When I need help the hire places cannot be here. As I’ve said, they work in blocks of time or live in full time which is outrageously expensive. Not overstepping at all. I feel trapped by the whole situation. Even the dreaded assisted living wouldn’t solve it. Also eventually bankrupt me to living off the state till my nest egg runs out and become a ward of the state which means nursing home. A true nightmare. Will NOT do that. Nope, I’ll be gone by then. Probably sooner. Absolutely nothing worth being here for. New recycling bin came today. That’s great but they left the old one. Call number one Monday. There will be mail today so chances of more fires to put out. Even tho I grouse, I guess it’s better than sitting here drowning in the thoughts of now and the future. At the mercy of repetitive TV. Dee was talkative when she got home and then quiet. She’s been acting odd since her walk after dinner which is suggested of alcohol. I asked why she’ is but she denies she is. I hope I don’t jinx anything, but at least she’s not being cruel to me. I’ll ask in the morning and hope I get the truth. Too late, I'e been informed I made her feel bad by telling her she’s repeating. She asked me to do that. It was the 3rd time she asked if I had an iron. I got the new nightshirt from Amazon. It’s extra large so I swim in it. Even washing and drying it won’t make much difference but soften it up. As Karen has said, not looking to make any fashion statements anymore. That really gets to me too. Big time. Can’t count how many times I’ve had to remind a doctor that. I know drug sale reps hard sell meds often without all info and incentive. You really have to advocate for yourself. Hope it works for you. Holiday has thrown me off. But I know today will be another day in paradise.

I guess I didn’t explain very well. Going for a drive and sitting fulfills nothing for my need to feel connected to the world. Interaction with other people. Being on my own. It emphasizes it. Street clothes matter because I feel removed too. Maybe you’d have to spend well over a year in lounge wear to understand. And homebound. I spend so much time around Dee. Wednesday night was another bad one as she drank enough to get me yelling and have to have a long talk yesterday morning about broken agreements of not being here in that state and me so handy for her grief/rage about 2 people. It’s that I understand and she is angry, too, that I don’t have romantic feelings for her. Plus she knows my buttons now for weapons and uses them, contradicting loving me so much. Counseling helped a bit, but Zoom was down and like seeing Jinny. I called so many other places. Wrote email to a doc and had to include a phone number which took me about 8 times. My head is so messed up. I can mess up transferring 3 numbers over and over again. Finished the 3rd search of True Detective. Wound up confused. Gonna watch a Denzel movie tonight. De e had to wake me up eve n tho my radio alarm was on. The regular flu shot knocked me out. Gonna try that sleep thing again. The holiday today makes me feel like it’s Sunday. But that’s today and big decision is dinner. Thinkk it’s going to be a long day without fires to put out.

Thank you, Joyce. I never forget, but it’s harder being so in need of help, both physically and mentally. That’s not news for most everyone here. I told Dee when I got up and she shrugged it off. A day that has to do with her 2 people is consuming. So that was hard to take. I know that comes from her wanting me to feel that kind of love for her. I try and be as giving as I can when it’s tough for her. I'm glad I have counseling today. It’s so hard waking to know you’ll never really go out again. Not unless it’s dire medical. I can’t load my walker in and out of the house nor wear many street clothes. I’m not sure my shoes still fit now that I’m wearing thicker ones for winter Plus the oxygen. It’s the loss of choice that is so hard to take. I see why people fade away. Emails, Zoom and phone calls just don’t cut it when you’re physically removed from the world. My hermit friend and Dee find it too draining. I thrived n it. Freedom. I recall being busy and feeling so good. Days trapped by snow or Christmas drove me crazy. A nurse came by and sad my hip is looking much better, got my flu shot and to keep an eye on my eye. She’ll be be back next week to see where things stand. Getting seriously cold at night now. Hate it get dark so early. Long way till it turns around December 21st. This is when getting up at noon works against me. Tho I’m using more lamps anyway.

I didn’t vote yesterday because I’ve been so depressed. Feel bad about that because I can’t complain about anything. Also not trying to be part of solutions. I definitely won’t miss the mail and commercials.

Hired caregivers are a problem for the various times I need them. Late night and bedtime. I can do things, but help speeds things up. Plus they work in blocks of time, like 3 hours. Dee’s trip won’t be happening because the very elderly man paying passed away. I called and requested a new insurance card. No problem there. My shrink is alternating between my 2 anxiety meds, so that’s a little better. Eventually he will be of no use. I want to stay on the doses that have worked for decades. A bridge to cross when I get there. Got my shower. Everything seems to hurt more. I know it’s a lot that I wake every day knowing my life will never improve. It’s a fact. I can draw it out in this state and wait thrU further decline. It’s a monumental choice. My doctor is still cutting my pain meds each month. I need to tell him ahhhhhgain I don’t care what books and studies say, these are very powerful and have to go slower. I’ve talked to a neighbor and my cousin who went thru this and it took a long time. They weren’t doing 2 other meds at the same time too. Have a. Nurse coming out today. I asked if I could get a flu shot and she said she’d bring one. Another little task off my list. I look at my list and it’s pathetic. Nothing outside of this house and very little inside. Wander around wishing the time would go by faster. It’s not very comfortable, but I prefer sleep. Doesn’t seem I dream anymore. Nothing to inspire any. When I do anymore, it’s of the past. Painful, happy memories. Wow, it’s Steve's birthday today. He’d be 71. Won’t meet for another 4 years and change both our lives for what we thought would be intense for a little while. Sure turned out differently. Happy Birthday, my love. ❤️

Karean, I have stand alone apps for Tubi, Pluto and Peacock. Since they aren’t on my Direct TV line up, I’d have to watch it on my iPad. Now that I’m home I want to watch shows on the big TV. I used this in rehab for special shows to escape the boring cable. Got a call from my shrink and he is cutting ANOTHER anxiety med. That makes 3 all at once. I was bathroom occupied so called him back and left a message saying I found that a harsh thing to do. I should have said cruel. He’s going on vacation so gawd knows what instructions he left for who is covering. Spent about an hour with my insurance for a bill coded wrong and should be zero as I met my yearly deductible. Now I can’t find my insurance card! I’m a wreck. I don’t even care about any of this. I don’t want to wake up anymore. Doing a shower tomorrow just sounds more hassle than it’s worth. Dee lost it again last night. Then she over overdoes the apology. Nee d to get to bed rituals. Got a late start with that drama. Hoping I can do a shower today. Too many bathrooms incidents that could interfere. Miss the good old days they felt great. Pored a. Lot yesterday. Made up for the last few months. Nurse. coming out tomorrow so have lots to run by them.

I’m still addicted to oxycodone. That’s my huge anger. It’s side effects are terrible. It’s something I was not well informed on over a year ago. They should have dropped it down within a few weeks. They didn’t even lower it or change to something not so powerful. The situation with Dee is way too complicated. I again told her this has to stop. I will not do this anymore. This time I was stern and unyielding. She apologized again, but actions have to happen. I couldn’t find the series you recommended on Netflix, Karen. That’s the only way I could get i it without streaming. Thank you, tho. We go for AC when it gets mid 80's. I've been getting bad headaches for hours after getting up. I think it’s from not moving at all until about an hour before I have to actually get up. It could also be the oxycodone. I know it’s giving me tremors and really affecting my memory. I thought it was 15mg. , but it’s 11.25mg. using more nicotine lozenges doesn’t help either. Guess I’m a little stressed out.

Thanks Kay. Marg, Dee is someone I met that took care of the house when I was in rehab and we had been becoming friends before that. I knew she was a recovering alcoholic. She’s slipped a few times and is a very cruel drunk. I don’t have any fear she would physically hurt me. But the emotional damage is horrible. Steve was a functional alcohol. She also is a great caregiver and friend when sober. It’s a complicated situation. she was off the rails a couple times last night again for those in the know. Angry, then fine….repeat over and over. Cruel and apologetic. Things continue to get complicated and depressing. Had a neighbor over I hadn’t seen in over a year come to change an outside bulb. Found out he just lost both his dogs so he is alone. We talked a lot about that, with Melody not being here, and how empty your world becomes. He can’t put away the beds and toys either. Said it was hard walking over without them. He’s in heavy grief. He’s a hermit but they were everything. Busy week with nurses, satellite people, shower, counseling. Have to battle with my shrink and know I’ll lose. 3 docs talking about me and I don’t know what is said. Conflicts when I do find out. And this is a good time to cut my anxiety meds? No credit for the headway I’ve made on the opioid. Daylight Savings pulled off successfully! I did the bedroom clocks in the bedroom in the afternoon and the rest right after dinner. I’m not sure if I’ll take advantage of the extra sleep time. Maybe half an hour but that will make the withdrawals worse. I truly hope the state opts next year. This is nuts now. The war is long over that started this mess. I think I’ve vented before on this. Thank you oxycodone. Pouring now. Definite late fall night.

We had massive winds last night and lots of power bumps. About 200,000 people have no power today. I am SO grateful we do. Can’t run around dragging out candles like I did. Also don’t light the fireplace ones so I wasn’t plunged into darkness. I hate how quiet the house gets too. I bet people in the old west would be driven crazy by regular household noise we don’t even realize we hear.

Never known any Mafia, but glad I didn’t pass on an excellent show. 🙂

Thank you al for your concern. As usual Dee was back t herself today and what had set her off was something she remembered I said under the influence of anesthesia She looked it p and found people don’t know what they say or forget it which was my case. This doesn’t cover all the problems we’ve had tho. Got mail about my Direct TV. Thought they were going to force me to get internet on my DVR but it’s to upgrade the box in Dee's room. I would have been forced to get a smart TV, speakers and my amp for radio and speakers for big sound during movie TV tive. I know they will force me to one someday. trying to figure out how to do daylights savings with my meds and sleeping. I can’t remember what they did in rehab. My Brookstone clocks for sleep don’t automatically do it anymore. Still feeling sick after eating. Too tired to write more. So thrown by yesterday with the surgeon and Dee. Time will mess me up today and a shower tomorrow. Medical snags with med combos came up yesterday too. Let the weekend begin.

Seems everywhere I turn are changes. My housekeeper won’t be back in another 2 weeks either. P Get a different one the next 2 times provided she stays on. I hope she does. I’m so tired of change. Now i have to find another counselor to start with April of next year. I have issues but h have to add. grief and age and cho chronic pain. Ironically the loss of my counselor. Had an appointment with my surgeon's PA saying the pain meds are essential for the past surgery. That no one can live in this pain 24/7. I don’t know why they don’t prescribe and inquired until I can talk to a more specialized surgeon as my other does not p do these for the parameters that have to be met. I may not even meet them. All I know for sure is I can’t continue. continue like this. I’ll be totally d3pendent for all movement. Eventually wheelchair bound with chronic pain to the mix. I Dee's on another tirade. Claims she hasn’t been drinking. Really into anger at me. Ruined her life, can’t be around me, broke her heart. I offered to try and help her get the heater heater fixed in her car and she went off. Has had nothing to do with m e tonight except dropping comment's inflicting pain. Very dramatic. Looks of hatred when she passes by. I don’t see how she’s ever had a rational argument and I’ve been in so many. Still judging my personal business. Wasted too much time even writing this. Don’t know what today will bring in general. So much to process. Biggie being is this life worth living.

They are working on the hence now. Luckily Dee was hear as they don’t speak English well and stopped them replacing a much larger area that can wait and saved me $2000. I did call the l lifeline company to report the rep that was rude. I got a supervisor who gave me her direct number and her number for any problems going forward which is very nice. I’ve been dealing with Social Security as it looks like my increase is eaten away by two charges. One I understand, the second I do not as it says 'other is voluntary taxes withheld you get back in your refund. I have to call the CPA for advice. Took hours to get that answer on the phone SS. 2 Zoom appointments today. Woke yesterday flooded by thoughts of Melody. Her face, eyes, feeling her fuy, seeing her out her paw to shake. I wanted to sob. I keep being reminded every day how I could never Be on my own. It’s an awful feeling. I can’t imagine not ing in this house despite how much it has changed. I never would have tolerated all the clutter created by my medical condition nor a roommate. Tho Dee hasn’t really moved in. It’s just piles of baggage. I haven’t been helpful making room in the closets and drawers. I’m so caught up in this pain. Plus I want this place back as it was a family. Sleep takes me back in time. Not in a good way. No coherency check. Just praying I et thru today.

Another day sorting out fires. In trying to get my life alert with better coverage, I got a guy who rudely said maybe I should call back when I’m not on pain meds. If I had the energy I’d report him. All other reps at companies were most patient. Am going to try another system to cover the whole house. Having been a phone installer myself, I’m not buying how he said it would work. We’ll see. Fence work begins today and. Hopefully done. Friday. They are celebrating the Day of The Dead. At the community center so Mexican food for dinner. Another day to pass the hours. Not feeling well. I need to write my doc today about this withdrawal as it’s not going better than I think it could. I’m so frustrated I can’t do this simplest of thing s like make toast in my toaster oven. Having more pain waking up. I want to repeat that rep today. It’s been pouring every night. Dark all day.

About Dee first. It’s the more frequent losses to the alcoholism. We’ve discussed it several times. Last being she cannot be in the house in that state. My conflict is worrying about her and wanting to check on her. Have to see how I handle it next time as I know there will be another. I do have a couple more questions for her before that happens. At least I know when it happening as she didn’t drink any of the liquor here. But she can’t hide the behavior. Definite rule she can’t be around me. I was reading messages I sent to 2 doctors last night and they seem to make sense. Sometimes hard to tell as expressing myself is hard in these withdrawals. Managed to cut my toenails which is a feat with bending nd old persons thick ones. Called about a bill I got thru m health portal. Never had that ever happen. Always comes from the biller with an insurance reason. Dee moved my life alert box to my bedside table so they can hear when I’ve set it off All accidentally so far. It was in another room where they could hardly hear me over my white noise fan. The phone doesn’t ring also. I let my machine take calls before getting u. Calling them today to get another box for the living room as that covers the whole house. I should e getting a new nightshirt this week. Only came in extra large. I may be swimming in i.t. I’m sure they said I won’t have to pay to ship it back if needed. Didn’t think ii'd have much today but but the list grows. Still having a very hard time sleeping on wrong side. Hate waking up so close to the alarm so getting up is useless. Speaking of which, gotta do it again.

What sucks is the things that are distracting is problem stuff. The only slight amusement is the rat hanging around. I read that from so many on here. I don’t think it’s that we are weaker. Just given so much to bear. Some of us have no support at all. That feels so cold. I did OK until my body was ravaged andI had Melody. I still have my medical team,, but things are so complicated now and clash with each other. There was a time things were in tune. Add yes, Steve being here would steady the waves. October 29th would just have been Beggar’s Night.

Regarding Dee, I’ve only seen this really odd behavior when she drinks. I asked this morning and indeed that was the case. Another discussion about how it doesn’t solve anything but makes it worse. Me again telling her I don’t want to engage when it happens. She said herself it can’t continue but if she slips that she should not be here. Nothing she said was true and she was hurting the only person, me, that she truly loves now that isn’t dead. I googled about what people say when drunk and many studies show booze does brings out inner feelings. That concerns me. Dee denies that. So I’m confused. I don’t recall any arguments when I was drunk. Had my usual Sunday Zoom call. Saw the ed of the Seahawk game and it’s about time for dinner which is pizza and salad. I thought I sent this. I’m doing it now and do one for today. Was messed up doing messages here and a couple doctors. Biggie was Dee getting drunk which explaied why she was so unreasonable.

It certainly does bring back what we went t(hru what we did again. Someone else crossed into this painful emptiness. We often forget this happens everyday to so many. The news tells us big stories, not the lone people feeling the same feelings. I always hope support. Saturday was 8 years for me. I wasn’t consciously aware til the date hit me as someone had today as their loss. Those years disappeared. It was day one all over. We will never be free of that. I merely recover a scab, as Marg says, quicker. But we’re always vulnerable.