Gwenivere

Terri, I'm 5'11 and have dropped to under 120 lbs. struggling to stay there. I dont know why people feel the need to tell us something we know. They don't understand the physical toll of grief and depression and how food is not a pleasure but a chore. I had this happen once before under stress and it didn't even compare to this, but I just started telling people that commenting on my weight loss was just as insulting as telling someone they are fat. No one does that. Now if someone that isn't close mentions how thin I am I say, I know and blow it off. The last thing we need is to concern ourselves with others opinions and rude comments. I will say the worst is from people that say.....I wish I could lose some weight like you have. If only they knew this is a 'diet' they want no part of.

Traz, such a powerful image with the candles. Truly touching in very deep way.

Mitch, 18 months is a long time yet not. Grief is a death grip we struggle with every day now. I admire your attitude about it when you post. Wish I could feel that. My missing Steve is like a spear thru my heart and even the good memories twist it harder.

Good point......but also how does one hold a spoon that small?

Well, I'll have to put my reply separately from what I quoted from you, Terri. Software glitch. i love your analogy of the shroud. I have one too. Quite cumbersome thing it is too. My first year is a blur to me. I don't know how I did it. As I near the end of the 2nd, I feel this was far worse because I know the truth now. No filters, no wishful thinking, no escape from the reality. Seeing his final weeks hand not faded in vivid recollection as I hoped. Lost that he's on a trip and will eventually come home. You and I are close in years together. Ours was 37 years. Ive thought many times about if this was reversed. Steve would not tend to the house as I do, but he would get along. He was a great dog dad so the kids would be fine. He had his music and so many friends it was amazing. I don't know how the grief would affect him, he told me that he would see no reason to put great effort in a life without me. But he was an amazingly positive person I watched fight a hell of a demon we know would win. I often feel death took the wrong one of us. But that is all speculation of course. Sometimes the strongest people get zapped in the archilles heel that cripples them too. He had his own inner demons he fought that he only told me about. I think of things his friends have said to me and wonder how he would react if they said the same to him and he was the one that was experiencing the pain they didn't understand. I'm sure he'd see them in a different light as I have. But we are where we are. I'm not sure what thinking about these things do, but I have yet to figure out how to make them leave me alone to tackle what I must without sidetracking me with this what ifs. I only know one pure true thought that will never happen. I want him back.

Going to a counselor that has not experienced grief themselves would be useless, IMO. Someone has to know this road personally to help another. This is evident to us by people around us that try and offer advice and suggestions that know nothing about how this truly feels. We've all been thru that. It would be like going to a grocery store when you need some shoes. Even in depth training cannot replace knowing what loss truly feels like. Marg, I am not suicidal in the sense of making plans, but I can totally relate to not caring if I live or die. People get all in a panic if I express that so its adds to the isolation. They see I am not having to struggle financially, that it has been almost 2 years (supposedly seficient time to have transitioned from 37 years together) and my favorite....aren't you used to it by now? What? That I will never see him again? Walk around the world and my home getting older alone? Prove my competency at now solving problems myself? Not having someone love me and care I exist? Watching my health deteriorate drastically knowing a lot is from the stress of losing him? yeah, a real walk in the park. No big deal.

Kinda.....but that looks like it takes energy. Maybe more like the walking dead. Lumbering along staring at the ground. Wandering around without any destination. I don't know if it can be depicted!

I don't know what to say that could possibly help. A friend and parent within a week? These are times I want to scream at something asking WHY? I'm so sorry you have to thru this and pull open the wound of losing Mary. I know our first reaction to these things is to take solace in our partners and that has been stolen from us. I echo Joyce because words elude me.

If you find an answer to that question, please post it. At 20 months it's been survival, but also a kind of insanity I could never describe. Maybe another question is how did we get this far not really living anymore?

Holidays are indeed hard now. I try not to take them prrsonally as people around me are doing what I did when my life was complete. The key word is try. I was out front and a grandfather and his son walked by laughing and I knew I was different now. I really don't know how to laugh anymore. I read an article about holidays and how we don't need to give them such tremendous meaning. It was written tho for people that never felt a connection to them and had to tolerate all the hoopla of others. When you have years of memories of those times, it can't be downsized to just another day. You are going to wake up knowing it is yours, thier birthday, whichever or all holidays you had traditions, seeing things around you that were gifts from those times. This year will be my 3rd without Steve for the whole slew. First was so close to his death I felt numb and it was almost easy. Last year tougher, but this year I am so aware because of so much time alone that I am really dreading them. It feels like this is the first real test of experiencing them on my own. This 2nd year took away any shield between me and the reality. For some reason I never registered this was forever til this year. Add in health problems and no back up and wow! It's a real survival mode looking for reasons to keep trying. Bystanders keep saying I have this life in front on me, fight for it. So I try and think of what I am fighting for. Knowing I will get old alone? That everyday will be without someone who deeply cares? Doctors tell me all these things I can do to live a longer, healthier life. Nice idea but happy would be a true motivator. I know that comes from us, but it's never factored in by those who just don't know how damned hard this is.

I admire you were able to face this change, Steve, get it done and find something you weren't expecting with the quilt. Change gets forced upon us and some we can't avoid. It seems like each new time we are faced with something alone now it is going to trigger those memories. It's a whole new world now we live in and everything has to be faced like the first time ever. Some repeatedly. I don't foresee any big changes in our house as there is no need without kids or grandkids. Sometimes I wonder if that is good or bad. Mostly I like Steves things where they are so I don't get too wrapped up in that. I did a lot of thinning and sorting the first year. Just the most important things have remained so I can see them. His hat, his note on the dryer not to dry his favorite T shirt, his bathroom remains the same. I miss his messes tho! Now you can have life again in Kathys room. I'm sure she would approved especially since the life comes from you two being together to create another generation.

Terri, Joyce and George........I wish you all safety thru the storm! Let us know how you all are doing!

WK.....I don't know how many times I have tried to tell people that the Gwen they knew will never be back. She is gone, history, died when Steve did. Yet they won't accept it or think it is something I have control over. That I am choosing this darkness that was once a life of light and contentment. You cant fight them, so you fight for yourself. Hope to find new people that accept who we are now and will be. So far I have that the most here, tho none of you knew me before, but who I am is OK and that is what we truly need. I don't need to talk about it all the time, but as Joyce said, to basically rebuff even slight mention of who we are now is rejecting us. I ask about important things in thier lives. If that is not reciprocated, how can we feel we really matter and feel acceptance considering the daily struggles we experience? Yeah, I still have my favorite color, food, music and winter coat. But I am much more than that and always was. The thing is I haven't become a pod person. I'm evolving to survive the hardest loss I'll ever know. To think this would not have a huge impact on my personality is ridiculous. It's such a simple and logical thing. This is one of those situations of live a day in my shoes and get back to me about how it feels. If only.

Patty, I was never an angry person either and that has really changed. I understand not recognizing yourself. I even apologize to people while I'm taking them down a peg or two. But it comes out and has to go somewhere. Often it is just life stuff and I know the source of mine is coming from my feelings about Steve leaving me, the disease, the doctors, the whole mess that created this. Even anger at myself for not being stronger. What a joke that one is. So I don't know much about this side of me. I just know it exists now and I have to let it out. Don't know if it will stay forever or not. But its darned real right now. I do have to say it makes me feel less of a victim at times. Crying only was getting old. Not that that is going anywhere soon.

We've all talked about people that have abandoned us along the way as time goes by. I'm finding a new phenomena happening lately. There are a few people that were in my life that I now email with because they have moved or were dog park buddies and I don't go there anymore. What I am finding is they have become big triggers. Last night I was replying to a guy I spent 11 years with meeting at the park almost daily and our dogs grew up together. There was no social connection really outside of there. Both our dogs are gone now and it dawned on me that our communication really does nothing for me but trigger memories of a very happy time that is now gone. What we talk about is pretty meaningless. He doesn't even ask about my life, it's kind of a newsletter of his. So I started looking at a couple others and saw that they create anxiety whenever I reply to them. I decided last night I have to cut these people from my life, even tho it is just cyber connections. It was getting too disheartening mentioning a little something of my struggles and no response to it at all. Now, for being in the loneliest place I have ever been in my life, I thought I'd want to cling to any communication I could get. But this isn't worth it. I read about and have experienced those that inject themselves unsolicited, but this is a new one I have to act on. Just seeing thier names in my mail makes me groan. So, even in grief and utter loneliness, there are more ways for it to intensify, but maybe this will help too. I have lots of time, but it's too draining always giving (feigning interest when there is none) getting nothing in return. At least the people that dole out advice I can say something to about how they don't get it. It seems like a small thing, but nothing is in this new world. The slightest pebble can feel like a boulder. Ah, the princess and the pea! A much better analogy. ok, my word salad of the day.

Those are my worst days too, Gin. I think I don't want to see anyone, but the days that happened I always feel more off kilter and cut off from the world late at night. I've tried going out to stores to be among the living, but then there is the chance seeing them going on with life is iffy it helps or not. I don't really have any local people to hang out with anymore. It would just be so simple if Steve were home. Problem solved. It's tough trying to solve the loneliness dilemna.

Mitch, this will be a confrontation. There are some people that require that and he is one. It should have sufficient when I turned down 3 invites. I also cannot keep allowing him to take what little enjoyment I get from an activity that gives me some santity. Plus, I'll admit I am looking for a target for my anger and resentment at life for taking Steve and this guy set himself up with a bright red target. Maybe it is a small gift from the universe. Lord knows it owes me one.

The city of Seattle rarely interferes with homeowner properties unless there are cars obviously leaking hazardous fluids. What we have is strips of land in front of of the house for a sidewalk and thin strip of grass by the street. We are expected to maintain that grass. Not a biggie when mowing, but anything beyond that I would tell them I don't even own that land. You deal with it. I can get warned when my overhanging trees obstruct pedestrians. I do take care of that as I bothers me as well. I know some people in gated communities that have the weirdest rules they have to follow, like they can't leave thier cars in thier own driveway, they have to in the garage! Talk about prying into your business.

A guy where I volunteer has asked me out several times. I dread seeing him when I go there. This is going to come down to a confrontation to end it. I don't find it flattering in the least because I am in mourning. I've always declined so now it is getting annoying and makes me think of How I am still in love with my husband and wake every day to the knowledge I will never see him again in this life. The thought of socializing in that manner is as far off my radar as another galaxy. I also don't like being perceived as a challenge. As the old saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea for guys like him. Just leave me alone as i have nothing to give nor want from another man. Also, those things happen with chemistry and I certainly don't feel that about anyone now. Only when I see pictures of Steve which is hard enough to live with. The closest I can get is touching a piece of paper.

Wow, go for it Karen! Can anyone say oxymoron?

Dreamwinds and Ana......what horrible things to have to do and have said to you. We know thier bodies are gone, but to phrase it they they don't exist is more than callous. Our emotions for them DO exist and deserve respect. Plus, how does anyone know the answer to that question? Some are sure, some struggle with what to beleive, but we sure as heck don't want someone to wipe them away so casually. Steves ashes came by UPS. It was very odd to have them show up an Amazon order. I don't think I could have gone to get them myself, tho. That took a lot of strength.

Wolfskat, number one rule in grief are there are no rules.

I've never been able to figure out the less obvious stuff. Being asked about Steve, having to do something with his things,seeing his picture, having a dream I expect a gut punch. But the times when there seems nothing obvious or apparent are harder because there is no preparation. I had that happen today by a supposed 'do gooder' who thought he would help me find a way to listen to his music again. I was so annoyed. Told him it will happen when it happens, being offered unsolicited help agitated me (I was where I volunteer and can get a small break from my reality) and to please stop trying to help me. I have to protect myself where I can. We all do. When I am hit with those out of the blue I am amazed how my mind even got there. I guessing because it's there all the time and there is a trigger we just don't consciously identify. We carry this 24/7.

They'll still find you tho! We can't outrun ourselves. I've tried too.